I cant pull myself out of this black hole
I was dianosed stage 3 bc may 09 had bil mascectomy went thur the whole 9 yards chemo,rad,and i have my breast reconstruction coming up in dec.i know that i should be grateful that i beat the big C for now,I feel more depressed than ever i feel like im sinking in this deep black hole and i dont know how to climb out, all i do is cry im still so angry!!! And so resentful I feel like Im pushing my family away b/c im so angry and i take it out on them all i really want is my old life back and i know that it will never be i need to put this behind me and i cant i dont know how please please help me!!!
Comments
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What you're feeling is normal! In the first whirlwind of diagnosis and treatment, it doesn't sink in until sometimes much later that life will never be quite the same again. We have to go through a period of 'mourning' for our old normal life and accept that we are different for having gone through this. It happens to people who have had a serious illness, survived a serious accident, gone through war as either soldiers or the people displaced by war; it happens to people who have been abused or physically or sexually assaulted.
We complain about our lives being in a rut, but when we get jolted out of that rut, it scares us. It will take time to establish new routines and settle into your new normal. It's OK to be sad or mad while that's happening. If you need temporary help through the worst of it, your doctor can prescribe an anti-anxiety med for you. Think of it like a cast for a broken arm - you don't like it, you don't want it there forever, but it's temporarily needed to help you heal.
And come back here and tell us how you're doing. We care about our fellow sisters in the trenches!
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vanisia,
You have been through so much and I think we all go through this stage sooner or later. So it's okay that you feel this way. I was in your shoes just over a year ago. If you're not already taking an anti-depressants, you might want to talk to your doctor about finding something that will help you. It took a couple of tries for me to find the one that worked for me. It's okay if you need something, it's a chemical imbalance and you just need a little extra help. You might also try some counseling, I had a few visits with one and it really did help alot.
It's okay to vent about how you feel. That's why I love these forums. I just wish I could have this place sooner. It really helps to talk to others who have walk down the same path. So, I hope this helps you.
Sending love & prayers. NJ
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vanisia, While it is normal to have many feelings of turmoil. Keep in mind that first of all... Feelings aren't right or wrong...... they just "are".
Having said that. The breast represents nurturing and there is much research that indicates that breast cancer may possibly be psychologically caused by putting everyone else before our own self or our needs! I would suggest to get some help whether it may be a counselor, or by listening to some healing tapes. I found Bernie Siegel to be wonderful as well as Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss, Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life". I tell people had I not read Louise Hay's book, I would not be here today and I truly believe that. Remember, You can beat this and it is so important to release any past hurts or thoughts as they no longer serve you! We can not grasp anything new when we are holding on to past hurts.
Everything is as it should be! I do not feel like a victim, but feel like a better person and I am so much more appreciative of everything and everyone I encounter. Keep a journal even of your darkest thoughts and then burn it or trash it and give it to the universe!
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Sweet vanisia,
We feel your pain loud and clear! It is so hard. Please let us support you, you are not alone! xo
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Vanisia,
You are not alone. I was diagnosed 5/08, had a bmx, 6 rounds of chemo, full radiation, 1 year of herceptin, failed reconstruction and now I'm on Femara. The whole time that I was going through treatment I think I was on autopilot and didn't have time to feel depressed. It's only been the last couple of months that I started to feel very anxious and have had to start taking anti-anxiety meds again. I saw my onc this week and he gave me a prescription for Effexor which I plan to start tomorrow. I am also angry a lot of the time and take it out on my kids and then I feel horrible. I keep asking myself "why me, what did I do to deserve this" I also think that it gets worse after treatment because people think "oh, you beat this so now you'll be fine" Nobody understands that our lives will never be the same no matter how much we want it to be. I think you should talk to your doc about an anti-depressant too. I've also been looking into finding a therapist that specializes in breast cancer. That might help you too. I hope you can find the right treatment for you. Always remember that this is a perfect place to vent. Us sisters need to stick together.
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Vanisia, you are not alone. During treatment we are going to one dr. or another, having this or that test or scan, having surgery, chemo, rads, meds and their side effects, when you list it you can feel the dark hole yawning open. Then add that you are never "cured". I agree with all the wonderful advice you have been given. I think antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs are medications designed to help you climb up that dark hole, I think they are especially helpful when paired with talk therapy, whether that be a LCSW, psychiatrist, or psychlogist. Use this forum as you would a support group, we have all been where you are and can relate to what you are feeling. You never need to feel we will not be here waiting to help you. Karen
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Karen, I don't see your dx, but just wanted to add, that even though my bc was considered locally advanced, my oncology group does believe in and use the "cure" word! I was told, I am cured, and I am believing it with all of my heart.
There are so many things far worse than bc. I don''t feel like why did it happen to me, I feel perfectly normal and even more grateful for each day. Take the time to nurture yourself and do some small things to bring yourself pleasure, it just may help. If that fails, I think anti depressants are perhaps ok for a short period of time, but they just mask the problem. I highly suggest a counselor or support group. Go for a walk, scream, cry, get out whatever fear, frustration and/or hurt is affecting your inner peace!
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Vernisia, you have some great advice and supporters here. First, you are normal, compared to what we have all had to go through. I can say I have cried for the last eleven months, since I was diagnosed. My double mastectomy and lympnodes (removeal of 20, 3 cancer cells) surgeries started in March, 2010 my chemo's ended Aug 30th and I still have outburst of crying. But you know what, you're getting reconstructive surgery, hallelujah! Some of these ladies aren't fortunate to have the implants etc. I had carried old implants since 1980 and wore them on top of my muscles to the day of my masectomy March 2010. Then they put my new ones under the muscles and I knew after veiwing the results, that they were going to look more natural, round and full. To me the shape's are beautiful. Yes, I have seen some horrible looking areola's tattooed on the website. But, don't worry, today the surgeons have gotten better and better making them. Just have confidence in the surgeon that you select and ask a lot of questions, in how long they have been practicing, look up their history. Be sure and count see your cup half full, not half empty, i.e. count your blessings. I have never smoked or dranked in my entire life and couldn't understand why me Lord. But, what is most important, is YOU! You are true in Him and God is truth in you. Just pick up yourself everyday and thank the Lord for ALL things. For He says we can do nothing without Him, He'll get us through. We all are here for a reason and you are special, irreplaceable, no one like YOU. Smile, whether it is a forceful one or not, that is the real you, it'll make you feel better. Stay focused on your healing and you are a work in process! Anytime you want to talk, we are all here. God bless you and hang in there, joy will come again. It is tough, it is one of the toughest things we have all had to go through, but it is almost over. Until then, expect to cry, let it out, it's okay, God gave us tears to weep. Just don't give up, get up!
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For me, I hate not being the one who is in control. Cancer, took control and turned my world, and more importantly my families world, up side down. It just silently slid in there, took up residence and I didn't even know it had moved in. It's invisible. It's sneaky. And even though I've been told the eviction notice was served and the unwanted, uninvited tenants have moved out, the fear is always there.
People deal with this at their own rate. You go through stages: I used the 5 stages of grief to guage my progress. I think just by recognizing and admitting to what you are feeling is a very important step. You need to do some self analysis (or with a professional) and understand that anger and depression is normal but that you need to learn to direct and express your anger in a way that won't make you feel guilty. You are the person with cancer but your family is going through this as well. Parents feel guilty . . . I passed this gene onto my child. Kids feel scared. I remember my kid sister who was only 11 when my mom died from cancer, thinking she was at fault. It came out many years later. Apparently my mom had said "you'll be the death of me" (way before she was diagnosed with cancer) so in her 11 year old mind, it was her fault that she died. Husbands feel helpless. I'm the man. I should be able to fix it. Instead, each tries to hide their feelings and fear from you. You need to first realize what exactly it is that you need from each of them. And then tell them. I needed my oldest daughter to take complete control. We are both control freaks but I told her I just wanted her to take control. I didn't have the strength (mentally, emotionally nor physically) to deal with it. I needed DH to understand I wasn't mad at him but that I was furious and instead of trying to fix it, just sit back, let me vent but whatever I said, let it roll of his back because I wasn't angry with him but I felt he was the logical one who could let me rant, and then let it roll of his back.
And as someone mentioned, get yourself some antidepressants. I took Wellbutrin, used Ativan to sleep and when I was really anxious I would pop an ativan sublingual for instant calmness.
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Mantra - I agree with you on that one.....men think they can FIX everything and when they can't they grow distant and quiet. The family are definitely affected and I am sorry about your sister whom took your mother's death upon herself. I know one thing I had to do and that was take sleeping pills. I got a prescription for that and it may knock me out for six hours, but if I want to rest longer, I just take another one for another six hours. We need to REST! I know the anti-depressants, most of them are something you have to wean off of. But do note, that it is a probable need. I had an EKG before chemo and after the 4th of 8 treatments, my EKG had changed. I took the stress of hurt, mental and physical pain upon myself and it all effected my heart . I still haven't got a read out on it as yet, but they had postponed my last surgery until I seen a cardiologist. This crap isn't funny and there isn't anything to enjoy out of none of it. I am with you it is not of God, it is a stranger within and we have to fight it from taking us over mentally and emotionally. We are here to do! I hate my bald head that is finally getting hair but it takes forever, I lost half my nails due to Taxol frying me (that's my fingernails and large toenails), they are taking forever to grow back as well. I did immediately realize to keep my hands over my head during chemo treatment, which helped the chemo not to stabilize itself in my hands. Why does anyone have to go through this, we don't know, but we can support each other and bring out the best for our\the ending. We have to look at our future as well and whole, patience is the hardest, outside of the treatment. I have wanted to go through all of it alone and have, I am glad I had chose to do it. Venting is important and we need friends and family to hear us, WHEN we need to do so and that is a lot. Their support is wonderful, but when we want to rest, we need to rest mentally and physically.
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I do not believe that breast cancer is my punishment for putting my family first. However, up until I started taking Tamoxifen, I was as positive and happy as a person could be under the circumstances. Now, after 3 months on this drug, even on 20mg of lexapro, I am almost suicidal and hopeless. It is from the damn Tamox---so what the hell I am supposed to do, live like this for the next 5 years while I ruin my daughter's childhood?
Before the tamox, I could handle anything. I hate this shit.
By the way I had BX and reconstruction, not going so good.
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I won't bore you with the history of the medical traumas I have faced in my life. However, the "why me" has now changed to "Oh! Here I go again!". You see if I have learned anything about life from all my "near death" experiences is that life is all about the "survival of the emotional fittest". We can either get used to that horrible, boring, depressing black hole or decide to just keep climbing OUT each time and put whatever energy we are left with into caring for those we love and who love us. IMO life is not about being happy. That is what we humans "want" it to be about but this need to be happy is what throws us into the black hole. As long as I can survive to make my loved one happy (in this case, my adult daughter) I will refuse to let the black hole swallow me up. I know my thinking is abnormal and probably irrational considering how we are supposed to think but it keeps me going and that is what is most important. You need to figure out "what" is really the main focus of your life. If it is only about being personally happy, you may have a difficult time climbing out of that black hole. If it is about surviving "no matter what" then you can and will come through your bc a stronger person to face the next problem whatever it turns out to be in your life. So take the hand of someone you dearly love and pull out of that black hole determined to be there for "them".
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Crazy Kittie, I don't think of bc as a punishment, but perhaps as a manifestation. There are so many choices. I notice you are stage ! I have a dear friend who is a 14 year survivor who did it totally holistically after surgery. I would also suggest that you read Through Rose Colored Glasses by Donna Deegan. She is a news anchor from Jacksonville, FL. , a 3 x survivor and probably in her mid 40's. I think her story is inspirational and uplifting. Do your research and see what options you may feel comfortable with.
I hope you can find some peace in this journey. Hugs
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I have been reading several topics and don't know where to start. I could post replies on so many and need so many answers. I finished chemo the end of july of this year and feel more anxious and depressed now. I just want to sleep all the time. And wake up with hair and energy and somewhat normal life. People think that once chemo is over, things are fine. I don't want attention, or do I ? My marriage is very disconnected and that is probably most of the problem right now. I need to talk with people who know what I am going through. I am on tamox, was supposed to take Herceptin, but had to stop because of low EF. am worried about that too. Not being able to continue it at all. Am having the other breast removed and complete reconstruction in January. Keep thinking I will feel better after that. Maybe.
I hear other women say they are much stronger, better, enjoy life more.... I haven;t gotten to that point yet. When does that come? I know everyone is different, every cancer is different, etc. But I am not better because of this disease. I'm trying to eat better, but when I don't, I think, "is this making the cancer cells grow"?? I want to live my life and not be always thinking about BC every minute of the day. When does it get better. ? Very unorganized, random thoughts. Sorry. Thank you for listening.
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LLL-6500
I have so much to say but I don't have time to say all that I want to. I can talk a lot.
But what I do want to say is that my fiance and I started reading the Breast Cancer Husband book together and it helped a lot. Maybe you can reconnect with that. It's your time together and it's about what got you disconnected too.
I am in the same boat of feeling so---feeling nothing. I don't think if someone said, "Here, go to Hawaii for a month, all expenses paid," that I would feel better. I would still NOT be the person I used to be. I still wouldn't look the way I used to look. I would still have no boobs. I would still know the innocense of thinking "the monster doesn't exist" is gone forever. And I would still know that at ANY given moment, my life can change ALLLLL over again...
Sorry for being Debbie Downer. I'm trying to pull myself out of this.
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Laurie,
I am listening and thinking of you and sending you love and support. It does get better sweetie. When I was in the thick of it I didn't think it would ever get better, but here I am , through the grace of God and family, feeling strong. Hang is sister! You are not alone! xo
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lovemyfamilysomuch,
Thank you. I have good, high energy moments, and downer, lazy times. I really think I would so much better with a partner who made me a priority and who I share similiar values, ideas, morals... I have a lot of friends, Thank God, but everyone is busy and has their own issues and busy schedules. I am going to try and start exercising and only "resting" if I really need to, not because I don't want to do anything. I need to eliminate this stressful feeling. I know it is not good. Thank you !!
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I can so relate to what you are saying. Okay, here is the image. You are in a dark hole and having trouble getting out. I am reaching down my hand to you. You got it? Okay, hold our collective hands and let us help you out. It will get better!! The stress is so hard. Have you tried yoga or meditation?
xo
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lovemyfamilysomuch~
Wow, I love the imagery that came to my mind with the "collective hands and the dark hole." I will finish my Herceptin next week and I still find myself in the Black Hole at times. I started a Yoga class at Life with Cancer and am finding it very helpful with my stress level...
Thanks for being there sisters!
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Thanks for the imagery!! I am having a better day. A girlfriend had planned on calling me this morning and we were to then start working out and call each other when we were done. I actually did some yoga exercises on my Wii Fit and a couple balancing "games". Then I went and spent the money on Nioxin to see if it will help with my hair growth. And bought some biotin as well to help with my nails cracking and splitting--- very painful. I had a salad for lunch (which is so unlike me) and at the moment... feeling ok. I hope all of you out there are having a good day.
Ang 7--- At my support group last night, we were given a brochure for a Yoga studio who specializes in breast cancer clients... Pilates, yoga, etc. I am excited about checking this out in my area, however, will be having surgery again in Jan. so may wait til after that recovery. Good to know there are people out there trying to keep us in shape....
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Lovemyfamilysomuch! Wow, what a beautiful thoughtful gift! Thank You from the bottom of our "hearts" as we reach " all " of our bc friends who may feel like they are at the bottom of a hole!
It does get better! I am living proof and feel like nothing was ever wrong with me!
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LL6500- I totally relate to what you were saying. I'm usually the positive, energetic/creative one and since my stage 1 diagnosis in July, subsequent, left mast and 2 rounds of chemo...sometimes I just can't pull myself out of the black hole. Some mornings, I'm just paralyzed with fear and the thinking and thinking and thinking... why? why? and how unfair this is to my beloved family... How dare this happen to them.... I feel dehumanized/dewomanized.... It's awful!!!! BUT lovemyfamilysomuch... you gave me a positive image to pull me out. Thank you! My dear husband (DH) has helped so much.I just hope he can maintain through all this madness. Another lady I met has asked me to go to an exercise class with her but I just can't bring myself to....I just want to hole up at home and wait this out...ARgh!!! I know.. I know.. I should go to the class... I'll try again next week. Ok So now after a morning of being paralyzed again... I'm going to put on my wig and go out and look for an exercise thing for the Wii. You girls have motivated me. I am truly not alone... but wish I were... if youknow what I mean...
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Try Belleruth Naparstek's visualization and affirmation CDs or downloads. I use the Chemotherapy one and the General Wellness. Very powerful.
www.healthjourneys.com
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Yes.. I know all about the thinking, thinking, thinking. And just wanting to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over and everything is back to the way it was... hair and all. I know this is all still new and things will calm down, but at the moment, there are so many unknowns yet and a lot of appts. and surgery and decisions to make in the coming months. I am more secluded and want isolation more now than when I was going through chemo. --People assume once chemo is done, you are back to normal, your hair is as it once was, and everything is fine. That's NOT the case. And I feel more isolated now than previous months. I don't want to go out unless I have to. And my son is starting hockey and i want to go to his games, but am feeling anxious about being around people I don't know and who don't know me. One good thing is, most people will be wearing a warm hat in the rink, so I will fit in as far as that goes.
Hope all have a peaceful night.
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LLL6500 Absolutely!!! want to wake up and its over...... But not yet...
Go to the hockey... I went to a couple of cross country meets with my son, and I sure feltbetter pretending to be a part of the real world. Try not to be anxious....enjoy the games and wear a lovely soft hat!
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LLL -6500 I read your post and it has been two and a half months since I did my last chemo. Yes, I like to stay in bed a lot too and each time when I get up, I wish I could see a substanial growth in my hair and nails. My hair finally made it to a finger's width, though my right temple area, looks as thin as it did before.
I am concerned for you when I read you are taking Nioxin and Biotin and that you are having another surgery. B's do cause faster growth and cancer cells loves to feed off of fast moving cells. If you are still going through your treatment, it is probably best for you not to take these. I am leary of even taking them the next five years while I am on the Ameridex. My onclogists said to take a mutiple vitamin and do not overkill what we are trying to do. I think you need to talk to your oncologists about this as well. I am getting good results just keeping the cuticle of my nails soft and open (that were damaged through Taxol). The toenail curticles were horrible trying to get the cuticles pushed back and opened (I think I spent an entire thirty minutes on each foot), the other night. Follow them with an oil, vitamin E or olive\jahoba oil. Buffing your nails causes them to reattach, rather than detaching. Never slide anythink underneath your nails (i.e. if they look dirty, use a cuticle brush only). This could cause the weak nails to detach again. Work on them daily, do your nails in the morning and your toenails before going to bed. Everyone should wait until they finish their treatments though, i.e. do not stir the growth up, until we are finished with our chemo treatments.
Excercise is great for your body, to keep your muscles buidt up. The doctor says that the chemo treatments can cause the muscles to weaken. I love going to the fitness center and finally getting to work out. I go in tired with a long wig and switch to a short wig for the pool (the synthetic doesn't seem to get damaged with the clorine). I just use a cheap wig, with a mesh underneath. I do gain energy during the work out. Keep a positive attitude and stay busy, but get a lot of beauty rest.
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vanisia ... your feelings are perfectly normal. I tell people that getting through treatments - surgery, chemo, rads ... you operate on autopilot. When it's over you have to live with it. Like you I am still in mourning for my former life. I have lost a lot. I've had bc two separate times and had to do surgery, chemo, rads -- 2 times. It sux. This is a good place to come for support. We understand. I have no magical answers and everyone finds their own way. I'm still searching for mine and am working with a counsellor and taking whatever drugs help. Don't beat up on yourself.
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i am feeling really depressed this week. i finished my chemo 2 1/2 weeks ago and i have surgery on jan 5th. i am so scared that the cancer will spread in this 8 weeks but the doctors all say that 8 weeks is perfectly safe. i am having a bilateral masgtectomy and lymphnode reamoval. then i will be getting 6 weeks of daily rads. i am now on herceptin for 1 year and start tamoxifen, i think this week. i just want this surgery overwith and get the cancer out of me, but they said that 6-8 weeks was recommeded because i need recovery time and my hemoglobin is low. i am so depressed becasue i just keep on thinking that this will spread in this time, both my onc and surgeon say that my time span is perfectly safe,but i can't help myself but worry. i need to stop thinking about bc! that is all i am thinking about! i want my old life back. i feel sorry for my kids seeing me when i cry. i try not to, but i just look at them and hope that i will see them grow up. i have to get my self out of this state. i have only been really bad this week. i guess i keep on hoping that i will see my kids enjoy many more christmas holidays.
jackie
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Oh Jackie I wish I could give you a hug! I think your worries about it coming back are totally understandable. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think this time of year is hard because it is wrapped up in so many traditions and memories of the past (remembering loved ones). My sister always tells me to try to start a few new traditions of our own. (Coming from a large family sometimes I have felt my kids (2) have missed out a bit) I haven't really started any new traditions, but it has made me aware of trying to create a warm loving home. (I posted something like that today on the Illinois thread.) Children are resilient. Your concern shows you are doing your best for them. Try to take time out and do something nice for yourself today. Maybe do something nice for each of them giving them their own special day. Just thoughts. I am sure the other ladies here will have great advice too. Just trying to help. Cathy
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Jackie~
We are here for you...
I just finished my Herceptin last week and I am just starting to think about trying to make my life "normal." My kids still seem like they are in a "haze" at times and I know we all need to work through this. I am trying to take things slowly and just enjoy whatever good times come along.
Good wishes are being sent your way...
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