What Would You Do?

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SpunkyGirl
SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Okay, ladies, you are great sounding boards, so here goes.  Right now, I work three days a week.  My DH sleeps most of the time, but we never know when he's going to be up and downstairs.  Right now, I pay a private agency to send someone in mornings for 2.5 hours and then hospice comes in the afternoon to check on him.  The instructions I usually give to the morning person are to do any laundry that needs folding, sweep, empty the dishwasher, etc.  I almost always have her make him a breakfast and just put it in the fridge if she doesn't see him.  Honestly, most of the time, there isn't that much to do, but I'm paying good money to make sure this person is doing "stuff".  Well, one day a few weeks ago, he came down and found her sleeping on the couch.  Today, he happened to be up during the time she was here (which is unusual for him) and said that he came downstairs to find her watching the soaps on TV.  When I came home, his breakfast stuff was still out, the dishwasher hadn't been emptied, and his leftover eggs were way overcooked.  You know what?  Cancer has given me a soft spot.  This girl is a single mother to a five year old, I know she doesn't get paid much to do this job (you know the deal-I pay the agency a lot more than she sees), and she confided in me that she recently got a DUI the night before she came over for a scheduled day.  So, she's a mess.  Part of me is outraged that I pay good money to let someone sleep/watch soaps on the couch, and the other part of me says "let it go, it's not that important".   I am inclined to call the agency and fire her tomorrow.

Am I out of my mind?  What do you think?

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2010

    P.S.  I guess as I read this, I come to the realization that I have a not-very-responsible person on the premises and that I may one day need this person to make some serious decisions in my absence......

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  • weesa
    weesa Member Posts: 707
    edited November 2010

    hmmmm...a tough one. I love the fact you have a soft spot despite all you have been through. Whether you fire her or not, can you give her this letter--or one like it-- or go over with her in person how she comes off to you? If you feel she is incapable of self-realization, of improving herself for the sake of her child, then I vote to get rid of her, but let her know why, compassionately.

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited November 2010

    Spunky...the biggest concern is, is this person capable of providing the care that you husband needs or might need on a given day.  She got a DUI the night before she came to work for you...so was she hungover when she came to you....I agree with Weesa, have a talk with her, give her a warning...tell her that if she does not meet expectations, you will need to find someone else to do the job.  Yes its hard to see someone in her shoes financially, but then again, she needs to be responsible. 

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  • 116
    116 Member Posts: 108
    edited December 2012

    Hi, I am a supervisor in a long term in-home care agency. It is not OK for this gal to be sleeping on the couch. I know you have a heart and understand that she is a single mom and dealing with some personal problems. This is not your problem. Your problem in taking care of your husband. Simply call the agency and tell them that "for personal reasons" that this caregiver is not a good match for you and ask for a replacement asap. That way you do not have to feel responsible for this gals future if that is what is bothering you. They will just reassign her somewhere else and you can end up getting a fabulous worker that is just what you need to put your mind at ease, so your do not have to wrorry about your husband's care. Of course you could also tell the agency the reason that you do not want her back, that is up to you. The truth is that the next time they run a background check on her, which the agency will do on a regular basis if they are doing thier job. She will no longer be able to work as a caregiver because of her DUI. At least if it is a good agency she will not be allowed to continue. It is a liability issue for the agency. Do not hesitate to call them right away and ask for a replacement. There are a lot of fabulous caregivers out there. Sometimes it take a few trys to find a good match for you, but as long as you are polite and speak nicely (not call up screaming at someone, not that I think you would do that) then the agency should be more than happy to work with you until you are happy and satisfied. If they give you grief, then change to another agency. You are welcome to email me anytime if you have anymore questions. Right now there are plenty of good caregivers looking for work.

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  • 116
    116 Member Posts: 108
    edited December 2012

    PS You mentioned paying for the care, I am not sure where you live or what your income is, but there are programs that can help pay for this kind of care if you qualify where I live. Let me know if I can answer any questions about this.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited August 2013

    I am a little inclined to say call the agency and replace her as well. That is why you use an agency, right, so they can deal with things like this. You wouldn't even have to give a reason if you don't want, you could just say she isn't a "good fit'.

    I am sure a lot of the reason you have her in the house is for your peace of mind - regardless of the housework she is not doing, you don't have peace of mind that someone responsible is in the house with your Husband.  You need to be able to leave in the morning and not be worrying that everything is OK at home. This woman doesn't give you that.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited November 2010

    Spunky, after dealing with my inlaws 'help', i can attest that some of the employees are substandard.  The agency markets themselves but in reality ... well, ick.

    I would ask for an immediate replacement.  You have every right to get what you pay for.

    (best wishes for you at this time in your life and my prayers).

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited November 2010

    Your "PS" says it all, Spunky.  You're obviously a very compassionate person, but also a very smart person, and she sounds like she has substance abuse issues.  She should in no way be in your home unsupervised. 

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2010

    Thanks ladies.  As always, you're right on the mark.  Pam, where do you live?  I'm from a "holler" outside Charleston!

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited November 2010

    you have to consider that if there are drugs around, she should not be near them.

    (apple who knows of a hospice nurse that 'collected' comfort kits)

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  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited November 2010

    Unfortunately I've been involved with some real tough decisions about letting people go where I work.  I think it's important to look at it from the other side.  Although it may seem like you would be handing her a terrible blow, it could be the message that she needs.  You can't take responsibility for her bad decisions and you don't want to enable her so she continues to make bad decisions.  If the agency fires her it may be the wake call that she needs to change herself.  If she is going to be out in the work place then the sooner she understands that she needs to meet expectations the better.  Only then can she move on to better possibilities such as jobs with increasing responsibilities or maybe some further education.

    In the meantime, by letting her go and getting someone else, you are opening up opportunities for another individual.  Maybe the next person has more personal problems but they are dealing headon with their issues and take their work seriously.  They may be very appreciative of the work because they know how important it is to them financial and for their self worth.

    First, think of yourself and your needs.  They are real and should be the most important thing in your life.  Then, if you are like most people, you feel guilty about how you are impacting someone's life so think about how you are giving them an opportunity to improve and grow.  Whether they use it as one of life's lessons or not is something that you just don't have control over.

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited November 2010

    Having gone through this with the care of my father recently, I know the "standards" many agencies use for their workers. Let's face it...on the low level, most are unskilled workers with little other prospects. I'd go back to the agency, too, and let them know it's not a good fit. I'm sure they have others to send, but be aware that you may have to go through a few before you find someone who is right. The good ones get snapped up and aren't always available right away.

    Your husband deserves better care, and you deserve peace of mind that his needs are being met. 

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  • Mom3
    Mom3 Member Posts: 170
    edited November 2010

    Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

    If you really feel like  you wnat to give her another chance, let it go. If it happens again and she screws up, let her go.

     This way at least you know you tried.

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited November 2010

    we had a similar situation with a careworker who was taking care of my mom.  she was let go. having a soft spot for this gal won't help her. maybe the best you can do for her is to help her be responsible for her behavior and how she works.  life isn't like that....you are paying good money and your home and DH need care while you are away working to make money to pay for stuff like this. 

    hang in there*

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2010

    You're all so right!  I called the supervisor today and  I think the conversation went just fine.  She told me that people often call asking for a different provider, and that she did have a conversation with this girl about her actions, so hopefully it will make a difference in how she chooses to do her job in the future.

    Thanks everybody!  What would I do without you!

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited May 2012

    Hi Spunky, sorry to take so long to get back to you, I haven't learned the best way to track messages...lol I really have chemo brain, everything seems like a challenge!

    I'm in Morgantown.  A very sad town this football season, lol! 

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited November 2010

    Sorry I didn't see this earlier, but it looks like you have it handled.  The only thing I could possibly add is that she isn't being responsible and I know you have a soft spot because she is struggling.  However, you need to look out for yourself, DH and your family first.  I wish you luck and hope that all works out.  ((hugs))

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  • kimf
    kimf Member Posts: 334
    edited November 2010

    Bobbie, Just popped in and saw your post. So sorry your DH is sleeping much of the time now. And bummer that your caregiver was herself sleeping on the job. What a let down. I think you made the right move personally by letting her supervisor know about the situation. You do need to look out for family first. I love that you have such a soft heart about it, though. What a sweetie to even second guess what to do. I would have been on the phone the minute I found her sleeping the first time. I admire your desire to give her second chances!  Think of you often and pray for you and your DH! Kim

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