There is no "right" attitude when it comes to breast cancer

Yes! At last an article that says telling other people they should a positive attitude can be umm   unhelpful.

lets' face it; between chemo, then als (for some of us) and the fear of reoccurence.. there  is definitely good days, and bad days. depression can bring on bad weeks, at least for me. when asked, on "those days " i say things can't always be roses.. or, somedays are more of a challenge than others.. i've been know to be brashly honest, even before b.c. so, most ple don't mind..and say sorry , hope things will be better soon. for the last 20 yrs. with m.s.; i've gotten "but you look so good" my good friends KNOW i make an extra effort when i'm not feeling good, makeup, foobs etc. so, they actually will ask me "what's wrong? you're all gussied up tonight. i really appreciate THOSE friends. the one's who insist on the positivity, they get the not so nice answers, like , believe me, i don't feel as good as you think i look..or much worse. i hate "faking" it, and try hard to just be honest with how i feel. i don't need any more phoniss in my life. don't know if that helps, but in everything, i think honesty is the best policy...    light and love, 3jaysmom

"Thinking positive" was the dumbest thing I ever heard for a cancer diagnosis.  As if someone elses (or mine) happy thoughts were going to cure my cancer.  My thoughts didn't cause my cancer and they sure aren't going to cure it.

Trying to move forward with dignity and respect for ourselves is probably the best we can do.  Celebrate the good days and mourn the bad ones.

When my DH says to think positive, I don't get angry, I know he means well ... but bless his heart, he just doesn't understand the fear.

Bren

This will be the second post I've made today that I might come back and delete.

The "positive thinking" stuff is designed to make the people around us feel more comfortable.  Most of us know that.  But once in awhile, we run into someone who truly believes (for whatever reason) that positive thinking is going to affect the outcome.

I know someone like that from where I used to work.  He's a super-religious person, very kind-hearted and generous, and seemingly happy all the time.  I saw him at a social gathering not long after I finished chemo.  I was still bald, and was wearing a nice outfit with one of my favorite scarves and long, dangly earrings.  (I looked much more gussied-up than usual.)  Everyone told me how "great" I looked.  When asked, I said I was feeing "great" as well, because it was true... that day. 

So, this happy-all-the-time person said to me, "You know, being positive like you are makes all the difference."  I responded, "Well, I'm not positive all the time.  Sometimes I feel downright grumpy."  And he said, "But, studies have shown that people who think positive thoughts have a better outcome."

I couldn't just brush this guy off.  He's a friend and former co-worker, he has a very good medical background, and he works with cancer patients.  So, I smiled and said, "Well, yes, I've heard that -- but I'm not so sure.  Sometimes I think it does me more good to just be honest with my feelings when things aren't going so well, and then get over it!".  (We basically agreed to disagree, that particular venue not being the place to engage in an argument about positive thinking.)

Where am I going with this?  About 2 months ago, a mutual acquaintance of ours -- also a very strong, super-religious (wear it on your sleeve), healthy-behavior, positive-thinking-type person went to her doctor because she'd been nursing too many aches and pains lately.  She's in her 50's, so she had just assumed it was due to age, her job, and her active lifestyle. 

Turns out, she has metastatic lung cancer.  Seriously.  A middle-aged woman who never smoked, doesn't drink, gets loads of exercise, and does everything right.  She has a 3+ cm tumor in her lung, mets in her thoracic and lumbar vertebrae and her hip, and a met in her femur that was so far advanced, it had eaten right through the bone and almost caused a pathological fracture.

She's had surgery to stabilize the femur, several weeks of rads to slow things down, and is heading into her 2nd round of a chemo regimen I've never heard of (the kind of stuff they try on people with late-stage lung cancer).  All her friends, family, and co-workers are still thinking positive thoughts.  Some have even told her they are sure she is going to be "cured".  (They offer religious reasons for their confidence, which I will not entertain here.)  I just shake my head, sigh, and send her my best wishes, kindest regards, and funniest stories. 

As Maya said, there is no "right" way to deal with these things.

otter

Otter, I always find your posts to reasoned and thoughtful. Please do not delete them.

Wow. And I thought it was just ME that got irritated when so many suggested that I should have a positive attitude. I was actually told, "Well at least your going to LIVE"! Wouldn't we all just like to walk around with a positive attitude. If we were all able to do that we would have no need to be here talking!!!! I agree with the idea that we deal with our feelings as we feel them and get past them as we can. In our own way and in our own time. Feelings also cannot be ignored and stuffed away. They will only surface down the road in another form.

Amy

I'm a generally optimistic person. I was optimistic after I had thyroid cancer; didn't prevent me from getting BC, but it helps me feel better about myself.  It's a 'me' thing. Comments from others about me 'being positive' just get on my nerves. I realize it's mostly something people say when they don't know what to say, but after hearing it10 times in a row it gets old. I'm an adult, and was, I think, well socialized as a child.  I therefore no longer need anyone to tell me what kind of attitude I should have, or what I should be feeling. 

I've always thought that the advice to "think positive" really means "be optimistic, cuz if you're not, you're bringing everybody down".  Maybe I'm wrong about that?

Sometimes, for sure, Linda.  But mostly it's just a thing to say, like "put jewelweed on poison ivy" or "suck on a lollypop to quit smoking" - and I'd say most people believe it.  Personally I haven't actually looked in to how your attitude effects cancer specifically - if at all.  But if someone asked me if being optimistic, seeking out laughter, and other "positive" behaviors and attitudes effect your health, then I would refer to the many studies that say it does.  No way can watching "Dumb and Dumber" cure cancer...but it might strengthen your immune system and your heart, and allow you to better tolerate your therapies and resist infection and thereby....cure or arrest your cancer. 

I never thought about it before.  *I* think having a positive attitude can be helpful with dealing with cancer as a small factor.  What I do *not* believe is that a positive attitude is something within the control of most people, you have it or you don't generally - our personalities become rather hard-wired.  If you have it at least part of the time, you are quite fortunate, cherish it.  You are lucky.

I saw something on the American Cancer society page that I really liked - it addressed this and said that attitude has no effect on cancer treatment (it didn't cite sources) and that many people with cancer feel bad because everyone tells them to be positive.  I mean, most folks with breast cancer do well these days, and not a one of us - not a *sane* one of us - is skipping around like Mary Sunshine.  So it makes sense.

If we're perky and positive, it makes it a lot easier for people around us.  I have my doubts that it does so much for us - if there are studies showing a better outcome for people with positive attitudes, maybe it's because brave cheerful cancer patients get better care from doctors, nurses, family and friends because they tend to go the extra mile for a patient who is positive.  And frankly I like myself better when I'm positive, but I also allow myself occasionally to have those bad cranky "why me" pity party days.  Too many people don't want to allow us to have those bad days, and that's what's really irritating about this whole positive attitude thing.

I have a friend who was recently dx with Stage IV prostate cancer.  Unfortunately both he and especially his wife have bought into the idea that all he has to do is maintain a positive attitude to have a good outcome.  The sad thing is that he's actually refusing various treatments because they both feel that his positive attitude will carry the day for them.  I can understand refusing various treatments if you've thoroughly researched the pros and cons (I declined rads after a lot of research and soul searching even though one of two rad oncs strongly recommended them).  But he's not declining it knowledgably as a result of research they've done - he's declining it because he thinks his positive attitude is the equivalent of life saving medical treatment. 

But when you think about it, that's the logical conclusion if you take the positive attitude stuff literally - just forgo all medical treatment because your positive attitude will cure you.  

Ah Pam, you are so right! But then the chemical imbalance in their brain requires the pharmacology that is so readily available. So many people don't realize how much chemistry is part of our life process and shun those who are depressed or angry without chemical assistance.

So I stand corrected.

NatsFan wrote: "...better outcome for people with positive attitudes, maybe it's because brave cheerful cancer patients get better care from doctors, nurses, family and friends because they tend to go the extra mile for a patient who is positive."

I have to say that my experience has been the opposite.  Being optimistic (and doing lots of research and being knowledgeable when I go to the doctors) has led to less attention for me, I think. They all (medical community, family and friends) see me as independent and self-sufficient. As one doctor said, I don't "need a lot of hand holding". I've even been asked to help other patients when they're afraid of certain treatments (e.g. having the port put in, chemo). I don't mind that, but it feels very lonely sometimes...

My bathtub saw a lot - it is a great place to cry