Haven't been on a date since my diagnosis.
Comments
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I know I am lucky in comparision as my best friend (also single) has bowel cancer and is very ill. I am trying to support her and perhaps I have spread myself a little thin and done too much. I had some 'me' time and feeling more positive now. I, too, got dumped by bloke had been dating for 3 months when he found out with the 'you need more than I can give you speech'. However, I am taking this as a blessing as he obviously wouldn't be supportive over anything major and I could have found out years later. I think it is natural to feel scared to put yourself out there after treatment and if you are older too, so the combination of both is tough. I am lucky to have 2 sons, who are real men and despite not living that near, have visited and cooked and cleaned for me and my friend, as well as phoning us every day for a chat. So good men are out there! P.S.Have just had my dressing off and looked at the scar. Who ever would think that your boobs could be that colour!
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Hope is right - better to be alone than with some shallow guy who is going to bolt if we get sick again or who isn't going to be supportive through the toughest time in our lives.
Also, I would think that by our age (we aren't kids anymore), that most of the guys we date are going to have some sort of health issue (albeit not as horrible as BC), so it's not like we are dating 20 year olds in the peak of health. So maybe a man who has his own physical struggles would be more empathetic, just food for thought.
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Boy, getting a man while well is hard enough, but with a bc dx????
I am not only a cancer patient; I am also crazy - lol! (Read profile)
So how good a catch does that make me??
I actually have dated since dx, but nothing has come of any of the dates. I do not mention my health, and I am of the opinion that it isn't the man's business until I feel something or he feels something - or we make love (excuse me, can someone please tell me what sex is? I've forgotten, it's been so long. Think I'll need a dictionary....)
Right now, the dating is fun and helps to keep my mind off of things. After all these years, I only recently realized that I am something of a commitment-phobe, which is a shame, because I am dying to be married, and it would be nice if if could happen before:
1) I die of cancer
2) I die of insanity.
I have this awful feeling that my poor husband would be the victim of a con. Oh well, I will try to look as nice for him as I can. :-)
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Ah geez Athena ... we are so much more than the requisite "baggage" each of us carry. I met my boyfriend before my diagnosis .. but I was carrying a load of other stuff around with me. We met on-line while I was doing one of my frequent geographic moves after my divorce. (I didn't just move from town to town .. I moved from state to state!) I went from San Diego to the east coast .. buying and selling homes along the way. All this is in a span of 3 years!
He had his own stuff he was carrying as well. So we just picked up all the baggage, had a look at what we were carrying, tossed out stuff we didn't need anymore and stored the rest in the basement.
We've been together now 5 1/2 years through my dx, his losing his lifelong business and lots of other bumps in the road.
I am so much more than my cancer. Along with the cancer and my at times neurotic behavior .. we weathered the storms ... both of us are so much stronger than the baggage we tote along with us.
Hugs to you,
Bren
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Hugs back, Bren!
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Interesting you guys!
Gwendelyn - It's true, we do want someone to be there for us. Since my first breast cancer surgery and my divorce, I have had: to put my mother in a nursing home, go to court to remove myself from guardianship of my older brother, my scanner broke, one of my printer's broke, my riding lawnmower caught on fire as well as later the trimmer, my clothes dryer quit, the starter on my car went out, the heater in my car when repaired had to have the dash removed in order to have the heater fixed. Upon top of this I was working on remodeling my batheroom for my own chemo gift and had to do everything TWICE. What a horrible hard seven months. Fact is, I am so glad that I have faced this all alone. If I had been with anyone, they would of run off anywhere, bode or no bode. My last surgery this coming surgery and then getting my tattoo's. My hair, eyelashes started coming in within three weeks after my last chemo of eight. Finally on my way up....ALONE. I do have my two best friends and daughter. By the way my brakes are squeaking.
Also the boob color, have you noticed when we are sleeping on our reconstructed breast, the scar tissue & the new areola's the surgeons made us, turn red!!! I found out that if you use ointment with the zinc in it, it helps fade out the scars.
Fearless - True, older men whom may have some physical struggles, should be more empathetic and make better partners.
Athena - You are really funny, love your personality! I too am a commented phobe, been married all my life. The key is to stay so busy that you really don't notice being alone at times.
Binva (aka as Bren) - There is a song for ya "So glad you made it" by Shania Twain, we're happy for you.
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I am just so disgusted by some of these men's reactions to BC and surgery, I don't even know if I want to meet anyone anymore. Maybe alone is way better.
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I am always surprised when I read other women's stories on here that sound just like me - I guess it's nice to know I'm not alone, although I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I am also in the process of a divorce from a man I actually married a couple of months after diagnosis. At the time it was, WOW, a man who is willing to get married despite my health issues? Because of that, I (stupidly) overlooked other serious problems, which did not go away but got worse, and now I'm going through the divorce.
Athena, I've also got the problem of being crazy (I'm BP as well). My biggest worry used to be telling potential partners about the BP. Now I've got this to disclose at some point too. I can't help feeling like damaged goods.
Although at times I feel like it would be nice to have someone hold me and let me know I'm still desirable, there are just as many times that I'm grateful that I don't have to take care of someone else right now. My two girls are enough work!
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Hopefloats - You made me laugh too - I wonder what your DH would say to you being wary of commitment - lol!
Fearless - I have zero expectations about both men's and women's reactions to illness. Experience with family members teaches me this. I go in not expecting them to understand and, despite what I said above, I feel NO obligation to disclose unless or until I feel comfortable doing so. I haven't done anything "biblical" since my breast reconstruction, but honestly, if/when the time comes and I am not particularly close to the man, I might mutter something about having reconstructive surgery without mentioning bc unless they ask. And I really won't care what they think as long as I get a good lay. Funny, I used to detest my old breasts so much that I think they were one reason why I didn't lose my virginity until college.
txstardust: In a way I feel like damaged goods, but in another I realize that "damaged goods" is a relative term. Illness is not a person's fault. I do not have a criminal past, I am not a drug user or addict and I don't have seven children from six different marriages or something.
I am not going to make my illnesses a litmus test for someone - that I feel is unreasonable. Most decent people, if they care, will be nice about it. I truly believe that. The trick is to wait until it is the right time and not to make the disclosure too early in the relationship. In the past, men have been very nice about my craziness.... Luckily, I tend more towards mania than depression, unlike most bipolars.
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I know you are right, txstardust, about illness/damaged goods. I am usually such a positive person, I can't believe I feel like this but I do. Hopefloats, your life sounds a bit like mine! I empathise with the Clapton song 'if it wasn't for bad luck wouldn't have no luck at all!' Looking forward to being able to sleep on my boobs, still at the prop 'em up on cushions stage because of the swelling.The upside is, I have never had such a good clevage, perhaps now is the time to buy the little black dress and go out after all!
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Athena, like you, I haven't been "biblical" with anyone in ages. I hope I remember how to do it, lol! And also like you, I don't plan on telling anyone until I am really ready which probably would not be for quite awhile - def not in the early dating stage.
I expect I will like my new foobs - I always wanted to be a little bigger, I just wish it was under different circumstances, but I think I will be happy. Seems many of you are happy with your re-con.
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On top of everything else, please don't start me thinking that I won't remember how to have sex, make love, get "biblical", or whatever. I've been thinking it'll be like riding a bike, even if it's been a long time you still remember what to do! Athena, the idea of having a dicitionary is very funny. Why doesn't English have a good word/phrase for sex? Sex is kind of clinical. Make love is misleading because I don't think having sex creates love. Don't get me started on the f--- word. I have images of pausing mid-action to thumb through a dictionary.
BinVA, I love the way you put the idea of baggage. Glad I have a big basement to store the stuff I don't need any more.
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CandyB .. love the basement analogy too. Do you ever go down there and start to clean stuff out? It's like taking another look at all the stuff we carry from place to place.
About men .. if you're doing the on-line thing, it takes awhile to meet someone you like that way. I did it when I lived in Utah after my divorce and met some nice men ... just not for me. I don't think a first date is the time to air our health issues. I can't imagine a man sitting down at a first date talking about his prostate problems! I have other health issues besides cancer that are longstanding ... and I didn't discuss those on my first date with my boyfriend.
Bren
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Aww, Candy, I was just teasing about "forgetting how" ....*hugs* I'm sure when we finally do it again it will be great!
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Athena, Fearless and BinVa - Gosh, girls you crack me up! BinVa really did, when she said, we wouldn't want to hear a guy tell us about his prostate cancer on the first date. My problem which is over with and done, is I told my entire high school class! Why? Just adjusting, traumatized as we all have been, lonely, wanted friends...sometimes we reach out to anyone. My high school class supported me, the girls would say, just wait and the guys will be just knocking at your door. It disclosed that two of my classmates guys had cancer, one recently died while I was in treatment. And it also disclosed some of the girls that were survivors as well, that are still in hiding. I am with you though, we shouldn't discuss the "C" word with any new future acquaintances. My gosh, I was telling everyone I met (guys or girls), strangers or not. I wasn't looking for anyone, just wanting to understand why people the closest to us, sometimes hurts us the most and some desert us. We will never find out that question. I find out, instead of asking that question and carrying the load on our own shoulders... pull your shoulders back and stand up. We are experienced in shame, suffering and being overcomers. Some may never experience what we have or understand what we have went through. We have learned patience and we'll wait for the right someone! Personally..... if they aren't good for me, I don't want them!
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It wouldn't bother me if a guy told me about his cancer on the first date - even before my diagnosis, it wouldn't have mattered to me. But men are....well, different. And I need to remind myself of that, I guess.
I think it will be fine...and i see some amazing reconstruction - beautiful boobies:-)
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I am wondering why my cosmetic doctor hasn't suggested a time for my tattoos. Such as I was looking at my incisions tonight, it looks like the right one is an inch lower than the left one (bumpie that is). So if this is true, difference will be more prominent after the tattoing. I have to pull the right breast muscle up (only not the left) for them to look in alignment. Well, just wishing and praying that I'll look proportioned when it is all done.
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I know how you all feel. After divorcing my ex in 2009, I was dating a guy for about a month when I told him of my (then) diagnosis (prior to having surgery). He told me that he couldn't date me anymore because I "freaked" him out (mind you he's a nurse!) and that I wouldn't want him to date me just because, "He felt sorry for me".
What a bunch of BS. Now I'm Stage IV, probably won't ever date / love again.
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tateranova - We wish you the best in your treatment and health. May you have a perfect text book knowledge in your surgery ('s) as well. Men can be so mean. One key we must do is, keep on smiling, they can't see the hurt in us that way.
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Wow, Taterranova....I am so sorry. Unfortunately, this scenerio is all too common. I don't know why women seem so much more accepting of this in a partner (or potential partner) than men seem to be.
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UPDATE: so that guy that I liked that went AWOL during my treatment resurfaced. Said how he wanted to be there for me this time (my hyster/ooph surgery is next week); then stopped calling again. I feel so stupid I let my guard down with him.
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Fearless_One,
I'm sorry you had to go through that again with him. Youu've moved on? I get angry with myself too but I will not "settle" - I guess I'll just wait. I hope all goes well for you during surgery and wish you luck!
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I don't know what his problem is....now he is calling again, wanting to stay posted on my surgery....he blows hot and cold....grrrrrr
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I want so much to share my life with someone - I know that sounds corny, but I truly do. I have been alone much of my adult life, and I guess it's been lonelier since BC.
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Hi:
I've been wondering exactly this. I was diagnosed in June 2008 with Stage III. It's been a while since my last relationship (okay, a reeeeeeeaaalllly long time-I was hurt about 10 years worth-I know, crazy) and, after treatment, was ready to date. Boom! Diagnosed with Stage IV (Bone Mets only) in August 2010. So now, what do I do? I'm ready to date but, when do you tell the guy? When you meet him, on your first date, when he sees the multiple scars (DIEP Flap reconstruction) for the first time. What's appropriate? I don't even know how to date now, let alone date with Stage IV Breast Cancer. I'm 51 years old. Oh, and by the way, how DO you meet men these days?
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Treso, your guess is as good as mine. For me, I definitely would tell him before being intimate. I would tell him in a casual setting, not in bed - but that's me. As for where to meet men in our age group, I have no idea. On-line dating can work if you are fairly good-looking. I don't think I am very good-looking, so I didn't have much luck with it. But I always say everyone should at least try it.
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Hadley, that is very sweet of you, and I think I am beautiful on the inside, but I am not physically beautiful and men have to be physically attracted to you for starters. I would say I am maybe a 3 or 4 since BC. A 5 with a wig on.
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For those convinced they will never meet their soul mate:
Also, Louise Hay "Empowering Women" and "You Can Heal Your Life" are amazing books that everyone should read to regain that self-love that we seem to lose after so many years of being told we're "not good enough". "Everyday Positive Thinking" is another great one.
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TwimMom77 - GREAT article! Thank you. I am there and have found this man who has bestowed positive things in my life and helps me enrich each day. We have merged our lives and are learning and growing daily...and I am blessed and thankful.
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One - that's awesome, good for you! It's hard sometimes, but usually when I start feeling lonely I try to remind myself that he's out there somewhere and we're on our way to eachother. All in good time!
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