Haven't been on a date since my diagnosis.

Fearless_One

I never dated a lot to begin with, but since this all happened one year ago, I haven't even put myself out there.   I have a full head of hair now and am feeling pretty good physically.   But I just am not ready - I feel like no guy is going to want to stick around.    I had told one guy about it (that I had known for awhile) when it first happened, and he went the way of the buffalo when he found out.

It's different when you already had a bf or DH at the time of your diagnosis - but to start dating AFTER all this, I find it daunting.   Is this normal?   It's been a year.   I am 45.

Twinmom77

I think it's totally normal to feel that way. I don't think a year is that long. I'm not ready either, but for reasons other than/in addition to cancer.  I had a not so "dear" H at dianosis time, but I might as well have been alone.  We've been separated since my dx and I'm pushing to get this divorce thing over with so I can move on.  So that has my dating life on hold a bit right now.  I did go out with a guy a couple times and he was great - the cancer things didn't bother him - but we didn't click.

What I struggle with is, when do you tell the person?  If I tell someone right away, does it seem like I'm hung up on cancer and haven't moved on?  If I tell him a few dates in or even later than that, does it seem like I was trying to hide it?  I don't want to get attached to someone and then drop the bomb and have him not be able to handle it.  It's a tough call.

Melinda41

I was divorced and very single when I was diagnosed 9/09. I was seeing people "casually" (if you know what I mean) but I stopped that when I was diagnosed.

It has been a year of nothing in that department. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open myself of to a "relationship" or just go back to my "hooking up" ways. I am a uni-boober who has not started recon yet. I am in chemopause and there were no warm fuzzies going on down there at all.

My brother actually set me up with a friend of his. He had mentioned this guy before cancer, and recently brought him up again. So we have actually been seeing each other for the past month.

My hair is weird and fuzzy, I only have one boob and my stamina is still low. We have not been physical yet but he knows all my stats and I am optimistic that when the time is right, it will be OK.

Personally, my self esteem is not affected by my scars and such, I know I am OK. But, I do acknowledge that many people may not chose to start up a relationship with someone with such a physical oddity. But, I also believe that a guy who can overlook that is probably a keeper (or a guy with some weird scar fetish!).

Twinmom77

Melinda - it's funny, I always had the idea that a guy might run when you mention cancer because of the chance it could come back and he wouldn't want to deal with everything that goes with that - the chemo and other treatment, dealing with someone whose sick, and possibly losing that person, not because of how they looked.  How stupid and naive am I, lol!  I had heard of husbands and bfs leaving because they couldn't deal with mxs and the change in appearance, but I guess I just figured  the guys that left because of that were few and far between.  And maybe since my ex-H quit because he just didn't want to support me (not because of how I looked.  By that point he never looked at me or touched me anyway!), I thought most guys were like him and just couldn't handle cancer period.  Does that make any sense?

At any rate, like you said, I also know that I am OK as I am and I'm (mostly, like 95%) comfortable with my body.  If anything, cancer got me to appreciate the body God gave me cause you never know what's going to happen to you that could change it!

Fearless_One

Twinmom, I am sorry your NSDH (not so dear) was so unsupportive during this.   Shame on him.   I guess being with a NSDH is as bad as going through it while single and alone.

Melinda, like yourself, I also don't have much in the way of "warm and fuzzies" right now!   I am hoping that changes eventually.   Maybe with the right person the feelings can come back.   But when you are alone and anxious and depressed that doesn't help, right?

Melinda41

Interesting question....IF we are unappealing to the "less fair" sex, is is because of our disease and all it entails, or is it because of what our disease does to our appearance.

Maybe I am jaded, I assumed that the appearance issue was the hang up. BUT, I must point out that the man I was married to prior to BC would not have been phased by my treatment side effects. He would not have been phased since he wouldn't have lifted a finger to help me anyway. I base that on his behavior post C-sections and other hospitalizations I had during our 15 year marriage. If I was still married to him, my Mom would have still come to take me to chemo and stay to take care of the kids on days I stayed horizontal.

I also believe that most people assume once it is gone, it is gone (the cancer that is). I worry about it coming back but everyone in my life refuses to entertain that notion. It makes them feel better so I don't dwell on it with them.

So for dating after cancer, I figured it was the physical issues that would be a roadblock. I also have a fuzzy chemo curl and only have one boob and a yucky scar. If I was further out and had real hair and maybe two boobs, I may feel different. I guess I just assume that men are shallow.

I would like to say that one year after my mastectomy, I got my groove on with this new guy. All my parts worked, he did not recoil in horror when he saw my scar. I am still in chemopause so I didn't know if my body would do what it was supposed to do, but it did (and it did it well!).

Twinmom77

WHOO HOO!!!! You go Melinda!!!

Fearless_One

Melinda, I am very happy to hear that your new man didn't care about all that - I hope I can meet someone who will feel that way about me (having a BLM in a few weeks).   I am in chemopause, too, so haven't felt very warm and fuzzy.   I am hoping with the right person those feelings return and everything "works" again.

Fearless_One

Melinda, I am very happy to hear that your new man didn't care about all that - I hope I can meet someone who will feel that way about me (having a BLM in a few weeks).   I am in chemopause, too, so haven't felt very warm and fuzzy.   I am hoping with the right person those feelings return and everything "works" again.

agada

I have not dated in a long while.  I dont like my appearance after reconstruction.  the reconstruction was good, but the scars stink.  When DO you tell someone you are dating that you had cancer? I am afraid to start dating again because I dont even know what to say to a man about having had cancer.  I would like to go out , but that might never happen again.  I dont think men want "damaged" women.  I sound so jaded.  Its just the way I feel. Sorry.

Agada

Melinda41

Agada, you don't sound jaded, you just sound tired ((Agada)).

I watched a Lifetime movie this weekend with Ricki Lake in it, "Matters of life and dating" or something like that. It was about a single woman getting back into dating after mast and recon. It was a pretty good flick, I could relate to much of it.

I have asked two male friends about the actual boob/scar thing, here are their words of wisdom (lol).

Guy A: has had sex with woman after uni recon and told me that it didn't phase him at all. But, that he needed to be reminded which boob didn't feel anything and to concentrate on the other one. (I find it interesting that it wasn't obvious to him, I think men can be pretty oblivious sometimes OR I need to find that woman's plastic surgeon!)

Guy B: Says he is a legs and ass man and really pays no attention to boobs. I find this amazing, but it seems to be true. He came over for a visit one day and I was in my robe and didn't have my boob on. I realized this after he left, I called to him to see if it freaked him out and he said he never even noticed. That is so odd to me, I have a saggy D boob on one side and nothing on the other. He said he did notice my ass, but not my booblessness.

So that is my male friend input on this matter.

As far as when to tell a guy that you are interested in or dating... for me, I would tell them pretty soon. BUT, I only have one boob and I have chemo hair and I still do treatments. So cancer is still pretty obvious in my life. I also tend to be painfully brutally honest and like to get all my garbage on the table from the get go.

The new guy that I am seeing knew before he met me about my cancer and uni-boobedness. We have a mutual friend and I wanted him to know that before I even met him. If that is going to bother someone, I'd rather know up front before I invest anytime. I think it would suck to get to know someone, start having feelings for them and then have them bolt when they found out.

Fearless_One

I would not tell a man unil things got fairly serious.   I just wouldn't tell someone that during casual dating.   But that's me.   And I definitely wouldn't tell them during an intimate moment.   I would wait until a non-sexual time - like during lunch or a hike, etc.

Agada, you (we) are not damaged.   I think it will turn some men off, but only the ones who would leave us if we got sick again.   The man who doesn't care about it will be a man who won't bolt during hard times.   And scars fade significantly in just a year or two, from what I have seen and women I have spoken to.

franie

I am a bilat and wear prosthetics. I was afraid of dating and felt rejected on more than one occasion. If I didn't tell and he touched my breasts or held me I couldn't tell and didn't react. If we got romantic it became obvious when my blouse was unbuttoned. I am a DDD so a man that is a boob man can't miss me. If I told someone in advance I was treated like I was damaged or would break. So I don't know what the correct answer is. I was ready to give up when a lady on this forum gave me more encouragement. I didn't give up and found a wonderful man. He is a boob man but doesn't have a problem with my prosthesis. I still can't feel anything but he enjoys them and that is all that matters to me. Don't give up !!! It is so nice to have a relationship again.

Fearless_One

I also think sometimes a man might just not quite know what to do or is afraid he might hurt us - and we may mistake that for lack of interest or being turned off.   Could that be?

gingersfavorite1

interesting discussion....   I dated a guy for much of last year.   We stopped seeing each other after the holidays - for reasons that had nothing to do with BC.      He had actually found my lump early last fall.    We were not in touch for quite some time.    He did however (after awhile)  email, and ask how I was doing and how my test results went, etc.    So I kept him posted by email, on the mammograms, biopsy and then the cancer diagnosis.    He expressed his sympathy and concern, but was incredibly upbeat, optimistic and supportive.

Having not seen him in months, and my BMX coming up in June, he asked if we could meet for dinner.    We did - and it went very well.    I was taken aback (in a good way)  when we were discussing my plans for reconstruction surgery down the road and he casually threw in  "well I wanna see the new ones!"   LOL.

He stayed in touch through surgery, sent me a very sweet card, and has continued to stick around.    We see each other every week or two now and it actually feels better (to me) than our first go-round.   I am more relaxed, more confident and just more myself with him now.     He said early on  "hair or no hair,  boobs or no boobs,  you'll still be incredibly sexy."    And better than that, his actions have backed up his words.    He has been affectionate and caring in every way - and the intimate part of our relationship has been as good as it ever was.  Chemopause has caused dryness that I never experienced before, but I've found solutions to that temporary problem as well. 

Who knows what the future will bring, but for now this is a very good thing.    I just wanted to share, because there are guys out there who'll love ya regardless.    I do think that the fear of losing their significant other is a large part of their concern;    not just the cosmetic aspect of it.   Good luck on your journey ~

Fearless_One

The thing is, you were seeing him prior to your diagnosis.   I think it must be much different when you start dating and meet someone after your treatment/surgery, wondering how they will respond to your body, what they will think, etc.

I know many husbands who stayed with their wives after their diagnosis and many bf's who stayed with their gf's.   I don't know as many women who found someone and entered into a relationship after diagnosis and treatment.   Is it our fear, or is it a detriment in the dating world?   Honestly, I do think men can be shallow, so I guess I will find out after my BLM.   But I know I shouldn't gauge all men by the actions of the one who left.

Melinda41

Fearless: I get where you are coming from. Guys who stick around is a different deal than guys who will start up with "us".

In my opinion (based on very limited experience), I think it is our attitude about our body that will set the tone for a guy's acceptance. Generally speaking (lumping all men together which is wrong, I guess haha), I think the guys don't want to deal with a woman they have to constantly reassure. I think they may be more willing to overlook the scars BUT they don't want to deal with a woman with low self-esteem that they have to constantly pat on the head and say its OK.

I think I will conduct a man-poll between my male buddies and see if my theory is correct.

CandyB

It is so good to feel like I'm not alone.  I'm 51, single mother of 3, 2 teenagers still at home.  This whole intimacy thing is terrifying to me and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, ladies, so please wade in here and help me.  I have a very good male friend and we're in that sort of awkward spot between just friendship and dating.  We both were married for over 20 years before our respective marriages ended (absolutely not related to our friendship, I swear!) so are very cautious on the relationship thing.  He knows all about my cancer and was a very good friend through it all.  Called to check on test results and spent time with me the day I found out my diagnosis.  Called every day for a week after my surgery and kept checking regularly.  Brought dinner over for my kids, sisters, and me.  Truly a good man.  But I haven't told him the specific details on the changes to my breasts after a bilat MX and I'm terrified of bringing it up.  How do I do this with someone who I can talk to about anything else, but this?  He cares about me, but on the physical side, maybe this will matter.  I'm not one to hold back, I usually have to say whatever's on my mind so this is bugging me and I need to be done with it. 

I know I only want to be with someone who doesn't care that my breasts aren't Playboy material.  But it feels like I'm making my way through a mine field here.  I'm not crazy about my new breasts, but the way I see it is that they are WAY better than a breast with cancer.  And I'm so much more than a pair of boobs!  So, ladies, any advice on how to handle a friend/something more than a friend on the foob issue?  I guess what I want out of this is to know now how he might feel, before the "more than friendship" part goes any further and we could still hang on to the friendship. 

Claire_in_Seattle

Hi Candy,

I have both breasts but my left one is still recovering from radiation.  Trust me, Main Squeeze doesn't mind in the least.  He also didn't mind the hair loss and lack of energy I had during active treatment.  I did have the major benefit of feeling like a desired woman all the way through.

First of all, hope that all goes fine as you go to the next step.  For what it is worth, you don't sound that different than a neighbor of mine who as a widow, went off for a weekend with a guy she had met on a trip.  And she had never been with anyone other than her late husband.  Talk about a smile in her voice!!!!

We are all less secure about our appearance as we get older.  I would bet he is too.  I think in the broad scheme of things, your new models will be a non issue.  In fact, he may have a few scars too.  So take it slowly.

In your shoes, I would gently tell him about the physical changes from this treatment, and mention that your breasts are very different now in that they......   You might want to mention another thing he can do "to get you going".   Anyway good luck, and let us know how things go.

I think all will be just fine, and wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't worried about losing you.

Anonymous

I think that would be the reactions of many others but that would also be a test if he really loves you if he can accept you beside the fact that you were diagnosed. They should try counseling manly to accept you for who you are.

Melinda41

Candy:  First, do you know (or have a hunch) that he is interested in a romantic relationship as opposed to being just good friends. Good friends are hard to come by and I agree that you don't want to mess up a great thing with an unwelcome romantic advance.

I find that brutal honesty works best for me, but I may be very weird. Perhaps you could ask guy "Hey, I want to take my post cancer bod out for a spin, should I pick up a stranger or would you like to help me in a test drive?" Uhmmm, I would say that, but maybe that wouldn't work for everyone.

Have you two been physical at all? Making out or anything? I do think it is awkward when you have been platonic for a long time, making the switch to romantic is very weird.

Could you say, " I feel myself having romantic feelings for you and I want to know what page you are on so I can adjust my thinking if you are not looking for a romantic thing".

So first, have you established that you are on a romantic path and then second, navigate the physical thing.

kadee

No you shouldn't .  I do believe it is a shock to them at first. However,if they are worth being in a relationship with once they research it and go thru the stages of finding out about a loved one having an illness then they will be supportive.  If they are not then they weren't worth it.  I just had my blm on Monday... the man Ive been dating for over a year is still around even though I tried to get him to go when I got my diagnosis cause of some probelms we had previously when i was healthy.  I just didn't want to have to deal with those during chemo or an alter body image. To me it would had been easier for him to leave me then than leave me abruptuly after my blms. Hes still here taking care of me at night. I have not let him see me yet though and won't for awhile.  It bothers me to see myself at this point. feel better this afternoon though after seeing my plastic surgeon. He assured me that he will be able to match up a nipple to the one my doc decided to leave with my suprise. she decided to do the nipple skin sparing on me during my surgery on the breast without the cancer.  the other breast is gone nothing but scar but Plastic surgeon can fix it after i heal from radiaition .  This is going to be at least a four month process so well see if my man sticks around with me thru it.  Hopefully and prayfully Ill find that I haven't wasted the past year with him when I was healthy cause I care about him quite a bit.

Fearless_One

I think it will be much different to enter the dating world post-cancer treatment/surgery as opposed to having had someone there for you while you were going through it.   It's just not the same thing.   They already know you.   They may or may not have already seen you naked.  They may even already be in love with you.   But to go out and start dating when there is no one in my life - I am going to find that daunting.    But it is comforting to know there are such good men around.

agada

Thank you all for your positive support.

Agada

CandyB

Thank you for the input, ladies!  I have two very good friends and a sister who have been through BC, but all 3 are long time married and just don't get this part of how daunting it would be to tell and show a new man that your body is different.  So, I brought it up last night with my friend (we volunteer together at a food pantry and have dinner afterwards).  Melinda, yes, he and I were already on the same page about where we think we're headed, and how scary it is.  I'd practiced what I was going to say, but still got very tongue-tied and had a huge knot in my stomach.  His reaction was #1) It won't matter, #2) He'll let me know if that changes after he's actually seen what we're talking about, but he doesn't think it will, and #3) Are there any special operating instructions?.  #3 made me laugh.

 I think actually having a man see my breasts will be a whole other nervous step, but one step at a time, right?  No guarantee that it won't bother him, even though he doesn't think it will.  No guarantee that we'll survive this friend to lover shift.  But I haven't found a whole lot in life that does come with a guarantee.  The good news is that I feel hopeful that there are good men out there who have integreity, are kind, and are not completely shallow.  I've been told repeatedly that where finding single men my age is concerned "there's not much out there".  The cancer thing just makes that even harder.  But it's not hopeless!  I'm going for it.  With a smile on my face!

gingersfavorite1

quote:    ....... I haven't found a whole lot in life that does come with a guarantee.  The good news is that I feel hopeful that there are good men out there who have integreity, are kind, and are not completely shallow. 

That was my hope - in sharing my story.   I realize it's different that we knew each other before - yet he had every opportunity (while we were split up/not communicating)   to disappear and not ever have to deal with this issue.    Instead . . . he returned and drew nearer to me.

Candy,  I am glad you got that talk out of the way.    Fantastic  you're on the same page!    And am optimistic / hopeful for this new branch of your journey - way to go! 

Melinda41

Candy: "special operating instructions" LOL, that is very good. My guy asked the same question. I warned him about my port, I figured that would be pretty freaky if he found it accidentally.

I did ask one guy friend about this and he did say that the woman sets the tone for how the guy feels about the scars. If the woman is very self conscience and freaked out, then the guy will be more antsy.

Keep us posted Candy and have fun!

Gwendelyn

My husband left me two years ago (I'm 54). It took me a year to feel like dating and then I broke my leg and ankle extremely badly. I just started dating again and got diagnosed with DCIS! I am beginning to wonder if there is a hidden message somewhere. Thanks for the postive posts, I have been feeling really sad about the end of my lovelife even though my friends tell me I am lucky to 'only' have DCIS and I know I am but ...

kathleenm

I was diagnosed at age 45 with Stage 2B left breast followed by a left mastectomy, chemo, radiation and reconstruction (completed 12/09). I had planned to start dating again before my diagnosis. My children were older and it felt like the time was right. My diagnosis put a stop to all that. I went through my treatment pretty much alone. A cousin helped drive me to my first four chemo treatments. After the reconstruction I felt so physically unattractive. I was hesistant to work out again. With the encouragement of a couple survivors, I started working out again and gained my confidence back. I signed up for online dating and have dated a couple men. One man I dated a few times. On the third date I told him about my history of breast cancer. He seemed to not mind. He had his own issues with his back which didn't hold him back. We both had the same attitude about staying healthy despite our medical histories. Well we had one more date and went hiking. Something felt changed and he was emotionally distant. I never heard from him again. I know it was the breast cancer. I'm still hopeful of meeting someone though I haven't dated since him. It's difficult knowing I not only have to meet someone compatible but they also have to be able to accept my history of breast cancer. I understand they aren't worth it if they can't accept that part of me. Singles support groups might be helpful for us singles dealing with not only breast cancer but having to do it alone.

Fearless_One

Kathleen, I am sorry he jetted after you told him - this is the kind of thing that I guess we have to prepare ourselves for.   Not every guy is going to be all understanding and supportive (Ginger got a good one!).   Uggh, I hope you meet a really great guy ....clearly, he wasn't.

Gwendyln, I know you don't feel "lucky", but you are.   DCIS, while still scary, has such a good prognosis.   I have a friend who is 53 and his wife of 20 years left him a few years ago.   He is just starting his "new" life, too.

Hopefloats41725

Kathleenm, sorry the guy jetted you!  Well, don't feel alone, you probably read my ex minister boyfriend subject.  We never got that close either.  Mine was there for the mastectomy, but then one touch of the breast...he felt the stitches of the new nipples being made and in one hour he exited.  Two days later, later he came back and said he didn't have time for me, that I needed someone that could be.  Am I still in mourning, going on seven months?  The answer is yes, I keep asking myself why, when everything seemed to be perfect and he seemed to be my soulmate.  To you and others...think...is there someone in your past that YOU left behind that might still be the one that got away.  I thought of someone...I dated at sixteen, now I am 59.  Then wasn't a good time for us,I had good reason to of let him go and broke his heart.  I finally got brave enough to connect to him, I sent him a letter.  He was available and still crazy about me back then and still is today.  Do I want to pursue it, I don't know, still dating though.  He had gained about sixty pounds, that was a downer to me.  But when he realized I was available, he went back to lifting weights and walking two to four miles a day.  With each date, he is more and more appealing to me...slimming and slimming down...still BUFF!  We are doing the same thing that I wanted to do with my ex minister boyfriend (his or my loss, I still think it is mine).  We go out to eat, church fellowship, then we go for coffee to know each other better.  Currently, I am ready to start dating him outside of church as well.  

Our first encounter, after fourty three years, I told him up front about my cancer and the coming chemo.  I then put him on the back burner, supposedly to finish my eight treatments of chemo.  Guess what..too lonely, I called him twice during that time and he came right up.  We are seeing each other every two weeks due to him living thirty miles away.

I also divorced after thirty one years as soon as I found out that I had cancer.  Still he comes around and talks about the convenience of living together.  I prefer to stay single verses being with the opposite person, whom is non affectionate and not good for me.  Their way or no way.  You and us should ALL hang in there.  I like the name "Fearless", go straight ahead, go for the right one, whom will be there for US!