I can't seem to move past my surgery

I am holding my hand out to you.  I have not had a mx, and only have LCIS.  But I can really relate being stuck/depressed/angry.   Only in the last  few weeks does it seems I've had some spontaneously positive hours.  That's in almost 5 years!  (I have other psych and physical issues - doesn't everyone?)

For me, a psychological therapist has helped.  Its been a very, very slow process for me, but we each need to do things in our own time and own way.  I got a physical exercise trainer. Both are not cheap, but very luckily I am fully employed at a good job.  

I think its probably good to have space to do what appeals to YOU, and only when you are ready to do something. I think its good to let yourself do things in your way in your own time.  

We can support your choice and cheer you on, whatever way you choose.

I've been in the same state of mind since my exchange in June, especially the "driveway" comment.  I think we're just supposed to feel so grateful to be alive that nothing else matters and no one can understand this funk we're in.  Like you, I never really felt like I had cancer.  I never felt sick, no chemo, no rads.  So it's hard now to feel grateful that I'm "better".  I just feel worse.  I have scars, fake boobs, aches, pains, etc.  How does that feel better?  What's interesting is as you go through treatment and surgery you read different threads related to what stage you're currently in- DX, MX, exchange, etc.  Well, this is the stage I am in and there are a whole lot of threads out there about this very thing.  So reading those helped me realize that these are very normal feelings.  A lot of them even equated it to a form of PTSD.  Our bodies have been traumatized in a way and I think anyone would take awhile to recover.  I think it is very similar to grieving.  Our friends and family decide it is time for us to move on and we're not quite there, yet.

Here's a short interesting article on medicineworld.org on the "Psychological Needs of Breast Cancer Patients"-

http://medicineworld.org/cancer/lead/11-2006/psychological-needs-of-breast-cancer-patients.html 

mom- Your DH is a very wise man.  I realize that I am feeling the same- not upset by the cancer but the surgery itself.  I have the scariest gene pool out there- cancer, heart disease, diabetes so I knew the odds were I would probably be dealing with some kind of health issue eventually.  Never imagined in a million years it would have been breast cancer and that I would also have to have a MX.  I have dealt with body image issues my whole life, too.  So now I look down and don't recognize myself.  How did I become this person?  It's difficult to wrap my head around this new reality of myself knowing I can never get back to what I once was.  I get so depressed.  And then I feel guilty for feeling depressed thinking I should just be happy they caught it early and I'm alive.  And then I get angry that I feel guilty because why can't I care about how I look just because I had BC when ever other women in the world can care about how she looks?  So it's an endless circle- depression, guilt, anger (wash, rinse, repeat....)

Mom3- I know exactly what you mean - I too look at women and wonder the same. I just got back from a lovely short vacation with a dear friend and we went to the beach with her daughter and a friends. Both girls are almost 16 and so beautiful and just early into enjoying being a girl. They both have boyfriends and were taking pictures non-stop and cute bikini pictures and it made me so sad. I of course kept it all to myself but it was hard thinking back to being a teenager with such a body and just seeing how pretty they felt about themselves and knowing I will never feel that way again. It is very hard. I know I'm waaaay older but I'm divorced 4 years now and would love to feel pretty and feminine but how with these newly recreated "breasts". I hope time will help !

I needed to read all these posts.  My BM with Tramflap recon was 2 years ago.  Today I went to see my p-surgeon to ask him to undo it all and put me back together like I was 'before' - I want to be whole again!  I ranted and raved and got angry for the first time since my surgery.  I thought I was the only one who felt like this because there are so many brave women out there who have it so much worse than me and they function!  I wanted to be one of them and I can't be. This post helped me understand that I am actually going through post tramatic stress because of my body being mutiliated.  No different than a solder returning from war with wounds both physical and emotional to deal with.  How do you get help for PTSD when you have no insurance and no job.  We worked hard all our lives and have a nice home, 2 cars, and a little retirement plan.  I'm 64, lost my job, COBRA ran out, and I'm uninsurable.  How to I get help?

I've never asked for helped before!  I was a strong woman, I thought!

WingsofJulia - I just read your other post about the tramflap. I'm so sorry but I'm glad you are telling people about your experience - perhaps also tell your story on one of the tramflap threads for others trying to learn more.

My BS flat out told me that was not an option for me - I have MS and he said I will need my stomach muscles especially as I age. He hates tramflap but used to do a lot of them and many women demad it so he does still do them however he has them talk to former patients who have regretted this procedure. One woman was an Olympic swimmer and she was concered about losing her back muscles so went for tramflap but now she is having horrible problems like the ones you describe.She went into the BS and asked to talk to other patients who want that surgery - perhaps this was her way of getting through it all. I know for some people, it seems to be a great choice and they are thrilled. I don't know enough to really comment but wanted you to know you are certainly not alone. 

Thank you for you post.  I too feel like you.  I am constantly in fear of the cancer returning, to the point of not being able to concentrate on work or school.  I try to take my mind off of it, but when I take a shower, try to get dressed, look in the mirror, I see my bald head and my mutilated chest.  I had a BMX in May with immed recon (TE;s) and developed an infection and now my PS says I have to wait 6-12 months before he can even put the TE back in much less the implants...that feels like forever.  It sounds like you have a great family.  My family almost acts as if I have been whining for five months and I need to get over it.  I wish someone knew how this felt.  Not that I would wish this on my worst enemy, but it's hard to explain to people the toll it takes on your confidence.  I do the same thing as far as emails, phone calls, etc.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  I am sorry for getting on here and complaining, but I just need to get it out and let you know that you are not alone.  I am going to try to get help with a PSychologist as well.  I think it will be a big help.  I think it sounds like it would be beneficial to you as well.  I hope you start to recover and feel better soon.  Take Care and know that from my experience thus far, what you are feeling is normal.  Take Care.  Allison

Mom3 and friends:

I can so relate to everything in this thread.  I had a bmx in Feb. - no recon.  I developed lymphedema in April and now have to wear compression sleeve and gauntlet daily.  I feel like a freak show alot of the time, to be honest.  I don't wear foobs...I go flat.  That's my choice.  I honestly am profoundly sad at times about what has happened to me this year...the surgery left me feeling mutilated, and then the LE took away the things that I really loved doing like gardening, cooking, etc.  I can do them, but I have to be very careful about not overdoing.  And I have been in flare mode all summer with a swelled up, painful arm, so I have not been in a good place. 

I opted out of recon. b/c I didn't want more surgery or possible complications.  Maybe I'll change my mind down the road, but I doubt it.  For ladies who do it and are happy with it, I say good for you - it just wasn't for me.  It's a very personal decision, and I just decided against it.  Having said that, there are some real big challenges to going flat.  People can look at me and tell I have no breasts.  Between that and the LE it's been a blow to my self esteem.  But you know, those two things - it's not me.  Those two things that are physically wrong with me are not the sum of who I am.  And if someone doesn't like how I look or is put off by it, screw them.  I'm not trying to be ugly here, just being honest.  Please forgive me if I offend!  But I have had to reject all the crap the world throws at me about beauty and about what really matters.  What matters is that I am okay with me.  And all things considered, I am.  If I could go back and undo the last 7 months, I would, but I can't.  This is what I have to work with here, and I'm going to move on and not allow it to ruin the rest of my life.  I have to tell you, my basic attitude about the whole thing is F#&#  you, Cancer. 

The biggest blow to me has been the LE and how it has affected my life.  I have been in constant pain all summer, going to physical therapy, and just got some relief from that, and am also going to see a counselor (the crazy-train kind). 

I am serious when I say this:  I am alive, I am grateful to be NED, and I know I am still beautiful even with this crap that has happened to me  Maybe I'm not physically up to what the world says is beautiful but I am seriously starting to not give a crap about what the rest of the world thinks. I am trying hard to enjoy the life God has given me, lumps (ha ha!!!  Literally!!!!) and all.   But I have been in a depression this summer, for sure.  At times, it seemed like I was standing in the bottom of a well and could just barely see daylight if I looked up.  So I understand where you are coming from.  I had begun isolating from people, and just feeling very removed from my life.  I think it's just part  of the grieving process, honestly, but I'm no shrink.

I wish I could give each one of you a big hug and take away all of this - I would do it for myself too!!!  I wish you all lots of blessings and good things...and lots of smiles and a carefree spirit...I'm trying hard to get mine back.

mom3band1g - I had to look a second time at your name on your post. You sound like me. I knew I had to talk to a counselor but kept putting it off. I kept asking everyone who they would reccommend and did nothing for a long time. I finally called up one nervous as anything. She got me in right away. I am waiting for our second appointmet. So far she talked to my doctor about changing my antidepressant. I also go to two different support groups. I am still greiving the whole cancer episode and it has been 16 months. As much as I hate talking about my problemsa, I know this is the road I have to take.