THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!

Hugs Bon ... prayers behind the hugs too.  Hoping for a good update to end the week when I check tomorrow.

Bon - I am sending healing thoughts for your Mum all the way from NZ. Take care of yourself at this stressful time too.

Bon, I hope your mom is feeling better.  She is in my prayers and so are you.

Ladies, I don't mean to monopolize this board with my issues but I'm really not in a good place today.

Mom isn't doing well at all and they are finally giving her a long overdue transfusion. The meds to lower the potassium are causing even more diarrhea and the Salmonella isn't gone yet. She's really in a mess, literally and figuratively.

I had chemo Wednesday and Neulasta yesterday so this isn't a day when I'm able to do much for myself, nor for anyone else. My step-Dad will be with my Mom for part of the day but he, too, has physician appointments that he has canceled this week and we are urging him to get to the doc today. I can't imagine how I'd handle it if both of them ended up in the hospital at once!  My dear freind, Pat, said she will go sit with my Mom today while my Dad is gone and to give him a much needed break, too. I feel better for that, but it isn't the same as being able to be there myself.

I am trying to remain positive, even though my Mom feels so wretched that she is starting to doubt if she will pull through this. That is terrifying to hear. But I didn't brush it off and didn't tell her everything would be OK. I told her I love her and that maybe the transfusion will help to get things turning around. She now has 3 docs paying attention to her, rather than ignoring her symptoms for so long and none being willing to take responsibility for admitting her until she got to this incredibly low point.

Telling myself that cancer is indeed the culprit since it is keeping me from being with my Mom when I need to be there with her. I really hate cancer more than ever. Not Chemo, cancer. Have decided to replace Chemo as the big "C" since it is trying to eradicate the nasty, sneaky, lowly "c". The word cancer doesn't deserve any enlargement...it needs to be stomped into the ground like the snake it is. There should be an even lower-case for it...a sub-case so low that it becomes invisible.

I'm fighting on and absolutely grateful for your prayers and understanding. Please continue to pray for her with me.  My prayers are with all of you who are struggling, too. Thank you.  Bon

Bon, I'm glad you realize that you just can't do anything but verbally support Mom and pray for the next day or so. The timing of this is just so unfair ... you need to marshall all your energies and strength for yourself, but it's your Mom in the hospital   "These are the times that try men's souls" and all that.  aaarrrgggghhhhh  I love the line about how there should be subcase for the word cancer - never thought of it that way and it's so true!  Anyway, I'll pray that both you and Mom can find peace and healing today, and tomorrow, and all the days beyond that.  Hell, I'll pray for her doctors too so that they're able to use their best training to pull Mom out of this and put it behind both of you for good.  Hugs hon .. we're there with you in so much spirit.

I don't think there is such a thing as monopolizing the board.  We all have our issues and our times of need.  That is why we come here.  We are free to express what we feel and fear as much as we need to.  

Bon, I am praying that your mom turns a corner soon.  Please don't feel guilty because you are not well enough to sit with her all the time.  If she understands that you are taking care of yourself, she will rest easier.

aner18, I think we all feel that fear.  Not only when we go to the dr. but it seems to creep in at the most unusual times.  What's that saying, Once bitten, twice shy. Or something like that.  Cancer (with a sub-case C) will always be a little black cloud that hangs over us, no matter how well we move on with our lives after treatment.  Just one of the many aspects that is now our "new normal".

Scrabble, as Michelle says, "It sucks, doesn't it?" pretty much sums it up.  And anyone with cancer will appreciate the empathy.

My DH was feeling like I was "taking advantage" of the chemo to not do anything.  At one point I had called him from the grocery store to pick me up because I just couldn't get the groceries to my car and drive home.  He thought I was nuts.  But I made him go to my chemo/onc appt with my 4th round and my onc set him straight on how I was feeling and that rounds 5 & 6 would be even worse.  At that point, he started to worry about me more.  He didn't do more to help me with the house, just worried coz I slept all the time.  How many rounds are you having to do?  Which chemos?   When someone says chemo isn't as bad as it used to be, ask them when they had it.

Families and friends don't want to hear that we are worried and scared.  It makes them worried and scared too.  Especially DHs.  You know how men are, they just want to fix what ever is wrong and they can't do that.  So they ignore things, say stupid things or expect you to make them feel better by not complaining.  And that ladies, is why we come here!   Thank God for here and everyone that's here. 

Yes it all sucks...Bon, I am so sorry all this is happening with your mom while you are going through chemo. I like your signature line- you don't have to be brave- you just have to show up. I got soooooo sick of people telling me how brave I was. Chemo wasn't something to be conquered- just endured.

Firni I empathisized with your story about the grocery store and having to call your husband. I remember trying to go for a walk with dh in the neighborhood (think its was day 5 or so on round 5 of TAC)- I just hit a wall a couple blocks from home and couldn't go another step. back to home was uphill and I just couldn't do it. dh was with me and said do you want me to go get the car? I felt so helpless- couldn't walk a couple stupid blocks! I managed to make it home with a few breaks- why did we buy a house at the top of a hill!

I am lucky my dh is very understanding and beyond patient- I was dx 6 months after we were married and he had been with me every step of the way- he's very thoughtful and took really good care of me. Sorta conviently he was laid off work after my surgery. he got it up to a point, but I did have to learn to be more direct about what I needed help with. Things like really needing him to vacuum- we have 3 cats and the hair builds up quick- normally one of my duties as I am the one it bothers- and it still bothered me but I didn't have the energy to do anything about it.

Little things still set me off- I wish I could just put it all behind me. Today was my aunts bday and I went to her facebook page to wish her a happy birthday. I saw she had changed her profile pic - looked like she was doing a bc walk- tshirts with pink printing- so I looked at other pics she had- one where she had a thing on the back of her shirt saying who she was walking for and it had my name on it and it just set me off bawling. I'm very touched as I'm not very close with this aunt but it also just set off a flood of emotions and self pity. I still have such a hard time coming to terms with having got bc at 35 (I don't know that the age really matters that much- it sucks no matter how old you are).

I am a year out of treatment and still struggling. I come here daily and don't post all that much.

I am so grateful for all of you. You will never know how much your support means to me right now. Thank you for praying for my Mom.  Bon

Alyad, I can sure relate to the going for a walk story.  I still don't take my dogs for a walk because I can barely get 5 blocks.  I'm 1 1/2 years post chemo and I still get that extreme muscle fatigue.  I am able to do the grocery shopping now tho .   Walking the dogs is something that DH will do.  And vacuuming.  I haven't done that since my mx.  I'm supposed to do the 5K Memory Walk for Alz. for my job and I'm not quite sure how that is going to happen.  

Last year at the Race for the Cure, I volunteered to direct people to various places so I wouldn't have to walk.  I think I'm going to have to do the same thing this year too.  No one had my name on their shirt tho.  

Bon,  hope things go well with your mom,  it sounds like you have a great relationship and she is as concerned about you as you are for her.   My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I am really sorry about how difficult this must be when you are in the midst of so much yourself. 

 My mom turned 90 this year and I had gone to Hawaii to heal a bit from the surgery before the radiation and she fell and ended up in hospital.  I felt so helpless and yet in a weird way it was good because I physically couldn't be there.   As women I think we are so used to putting everyone's needs first and it is really hard to look after ourselves. 

When we can't we feel like failures,  yet it is so important to look after ourselves too or we won't be any good to anyone else. 

Scrabblelady,  I totally got what you said,   I know I am fortunate that things have gone well,  but it is not easy to feel lucky when one has endured,  countless tests, biopsies, surgeries, radiation and fatigue.  Yet I don't want to be a whiner,  but it sure is nice to hear from people who get it,

 I find I dont' always have time to write but I sure like to visit you all and appreciate your insight,  empathy and help in making this journey more manageable. 
MY husband has been great,  but I know he is getting weary and isn't sure how to help me,  I have been really bent out of shape about returning to work and starting in a new position.  

Thanks for being there, Brenda

hub has been pretty good for 5 yrs but i can see he's tiring of the whoel "cancer' THING

I had my 5 yr annivy last tues .. i have been friggin going nuts all week ... i know 5 yrs isn't what it used to be, but it is still pretyt friggin wonderful, right? but i really think he's tired of it

he dooesn't mind if i hang with you guys or even trave, spending money l... as long as i don't talk to HIM!!!  anyone else??

BTW Mary, you are up pretty late

thanks Traci ... and Lisa/Liz .... LOL at me being up late ... some Fri or Sat nights that's what I do and so glad to seee u GF ... I'm turning in now though don't worry