THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!

PearlGirl

Mariegal...Congratulations on 5 years out.  You give me hope. I sincerely thank you for posting your news. My final chemo tx is scheduled for this Wednesday and I will be happy to have that part behind me. Then a GI consult to get my gut back in working order and on to radiation. Then a hysterectomy. Plus Herceptin until July 2011. It all seems never ending and still overwhelms me some days. When I melt down it's not over the cancer but over the sheer enormity of the task of trying to eradicate it. I'm sure you all relate to that. Which is why I'm here. Thanks for your continued support. 

chrissyb

Mariegal.....congratulations to you on being five years out!!!!!!  Great milestone for you.  Here's hoping that you have many,many more five year periods.Love n hugs to you.

Valjean

I was 26 years old when my beautiful Mother passed away from uterine/ovarian cancer.

I had no idea what she was really going through, what she was really feeling. I might have thought I did, but I didn't.

I remember going to see her in the hospital & telling her she'd be fine, she was doing fine, etc. I just did not understand. I just plain ass didn't know. And I didn't know what to say except that she'd be fine & that I loved her. I went with her to her doctor appts, probably sat there like a bump on a log, not knowing what to say or jabbering about nothing, nothing at all.

Then I went home & went on with my life.

My DD was 10 1/2 months old when I lost my Mom. I remember her sitting on her couch watching my DD play & she said, "I don't think I'll ever get to see her graduate."  (sorry, I'm crying right now. back in a min) Sorry..........anyway, I remember saying, "Oh, yes you will. You're gonna be fine." What the hell did I know?!? I was a stupid 26 year old girl with a DH & a baby, she was going through so much crap & I just sat there & said, "Oh, you'll be fine."

I totally agree, notself, that if one is not faced with their own mortality, they really do not understand what the other person is going through. (another cry break)..... They don't know what to say or feel or how to express themselves. I agree, some people are narcissistic. And others just don't get it, even with it right in front of their face. But, I truly think most just don't KNOW what to say & so they don't say anything at all & they just look the other way, make happy, & go on with their lives. And they leave us to go on with ours. It's easier for them that way.

I hope I am able to tell my DH & both of my DD's one day, if need be, that it will be okay for them to ............... I can't go on with that sentence.

Anyway, I hope I have learned from that experience with my Mother. And, yes, Kate, I really do think even though those things have happened to us by people we did not ever think that would come from, that we would be there for them one day if put in that situation. Because we are the better for it. We are the better person because we will know how they are feeling & can 'be there' for them.

WE WILL GET IT.

Wow, I haven't cried that much in a long, long time. Maybe I needed it.....

Sorry to unload......

I live everyday with the knowledge that I might not have 'been there' enough for my Mother. That is something I have to bear......

{{love & hugs to all of you}}

Valerie ♥

Valjean

Mariegal ~ This is a bit early, but just in case I get busy Tues, this is for you:

Five years, how wonderful! I'm so happy for you! May your life be blessed with many, many more.

{{hugs}}

Leah_S

I think notself has got it exactly - people don't get it because they haven't come to terms with their own mortality.

On the other hand, I think going through something difficult like this makes you better at saying  the right thing & helping people in difficult situations that aren't bc. A good friend told me recently that she and her husband have seperated. I knew enough to say only, "I'm so sorry about that" and just LISTEN because I knew she needed to talk.

Leah

PearlGirl

My soon to be 89 year old Mom was diagnosed yesterday with Salmonella after nearly 3 weeks of uncontrollable diarrhea.  It was most probably sunny-side-up eggs she ate at a local restaurant.

I have an app on my iPhone from the FDA regarding recalls. Not only have they recalled eggs in the past couple of weeks for Salmonella contamination but also some pistachios, alfalfa sprouts, and frozen mamey pulp (a tropical fruit often added to smoothies and other things).  All for Salmonella.  It's getting scarier by the minute.

ananda8

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redsoxfan

How wonderful, marlegal!  Congratulations!!!!

Anonymous

Bon- Early congratulations for making it through chemo and wishing you much strength in the challenges ahead.  I hope it all goes quickly and you'll soon be celebrating your 5 year "cancerversary" too!  Sorry to hear about your Mom.  Thanks for letting us know about the FDA app.  I will definitely check it out!

Valerie- I am so sorry about your Mom.  I know how hard it must have been to lose her.  I know we all have regrets about what we did or didn't do for those we love.  Your post makes me see the ones in my life who have disappointed me in a different light and that there's just a lack of understanding there.  I was just having a bad day but I know that I, too, would try to be there for anyone going through this or any other life challenge.  Knowing someone was there who could understand and empathize helped me get through this and that is what I would try to pass on.  That is why I love this site, and the women on it, so much.   

Lowrider54

Seeing Deirdre's post brought back so many memories...when I was first dx'd in 1999 and going through chemo...I recieved a call in August of that year from my step mom.  They had cut their vacation short as my Dad wasn't feeling well - terrible stomach cramps.  This was a man who DID go see the doctor and never waited until things were soooo bad.  He went and they had ordered tests and found he had a turmor in his colon - they wanted to do chemo and then remove it - he wanted no part of that and prayed and that night, it burst requiring emergency removal.  Well, the call was to let me know that they pretty much found cancer everywhere except in his lungs - I dropped to the floor in my house and just screamed - next thing you know, I am talking my dad through chemo and what to expect and making plans to visit (many states away) but I had my chemo scheduled every week with one of the weeks being only blood work and he wasn't ever home on that week.  He was home and then back in the hospital and home again and I didn't get a chance to see him but we spoke almost every day until an urgent call that he might not make it through the weekend - we all came in and he was in ICU - it was Halloween and I was still in my costume - I heard him say 'Who let the Nanny into my room?'  I leaned over and told him it was just his nutsy daughter dressed up for Halloween.  Turns out, it was one of his favorite TV shows.  That was Friday night - Sunday morning, you would have thought a miracle happened, he was sitting up bright, talkative we were all there and it was really great...the next Friday at work after chemo, I got the call.  2 months and 2 weeks and he was gone.

I was glad to be there for him, talking him through it, supporting him, encouraging him while I was going through it at the same time.  For those 2 months and 2 weeks, he had someone who did get it, totally and knew all his thoughts and fears - it must have been such a comfort to him, his daughter - a closer relationship does not exist.  I realize that now looking again at my own mortality for a second time - I have no one like that. That was almost 11 years ago and I am fighting again.  I shielded my young son from the pain of his pop-pop, it was enough for him to deal with his mom having cancer back then - he was a bit mad at me for that - this time, I hold nothing back and since he is now 21, we have very candid conversations about 'the end' and many things. 

I am blessed that my family and many of my friends do have some idea - yet, they still don't get it all and having this wonderful place to go to, fills the void.  Thank you all!

LowRider

somanywomen

Valjean, I know how you feel, I was 14 when my 12 year old sister was dx with a brain tumor (she passed away 3 years later)...I was so busy being a selfish teenager that I know I could have been a much better sister..I think about what I could-of, shoud-of, would-of done still to this day..It is truly one of my biggest regrets...We just have to make better decisions now...I believe that when I do see someone who might need a little help, I have no problem stepping in and asking if they are in need...I think maybe we both became better at this because of our experiences....

I think we all understand about living and mortality, we just never took it so serious until facing it for ourselves...Now the trick is to live fully until we have to face what everyone in the world will have to face whether they want to think about it or not...Maybe that is why some people don't know what to say, maybe it makes them have to think about thier own mortality.....

Lowrider... so happy that you and your Dad had that time togerther...sorry you are having to deal with this monster again....

Stanzie

Kate - I know what you mean in my mind I'm thinking of course I'd still be there and do whatever they might need but if it happened not really sure. My ex. used to say until you have to live it or make the decision you never really know what you will do. That is something I have always agreed with.

I had my two best friends in the world - women I felt and thought we would all die for eachother when it came to my divorce. They felt sorry for my ex and never spoke to me again. Now I could at least buy that a little if they had ever even been friends with him but they didn't ever know him very well. It was just strange. A therapist told me she thought it hit too close to their lives and it scared them. So could be. Perhaps helping someone with a cancer diagnosis is too scary for some people to even think about so they have to avoid. I think I'd be better if that was the case if they were honest enough just to say that. 

ananda8

Stanzie,

Your friends most likely never analyzed their feelings or the reasons for those feelings.  They just acted "thoughtlessly".

marlegal

Val, thanks so much for the early congrats ... it never gets old   As for wishing you could have done more for Mom, you said that you kept telling her you loved her ... as a mother, is there anything better to hear from your child?  That alone was, I am sure, a great boost to her every time she heard it.  Please forgive yourself for whatever you perceive to have been shortcomings, knowing that it was lack of knowledge, not lack of caring, which drove your actions.  And I too am so very very thankful for all the wonderful women I've met on this site in the last 5 yrs ... we rock!!

bennybear

Wow,  this is an amazing place,

 I too have been amazed by the lack of support from some.   But also amazed by the support of others.   I do try to keep perspective but it can really hurt,   one of my friends moved away without even a call to say goodbye,  I also had some colleagues treat me like I had typhoid.  

I am at a point where I realize it is more about them than me,  but it still is tough. 

My brother died of a brain tumour and I used to take him for his radiation treatment so it brings it all back when I had to go. Today,  I am finished but went for a follow up with my surgeon and burst into tears when I hit the cancer centre.

My daughter says I need to take time to deal with this,   I think she is probably very wise,  as I have been trying to avoid that.  

Thanks for being there, b

don23

Lowrider - I agree that this is a wonderful place to go! Everyone here gets it!

raeinnz

bennybear - your daughter is right - you do need to take time to deal with the emotional 'stuff ' now and it could be a long time.  Many women find that the hardest time starts once active treatment has finished.  That is when you have to face all the emotional 'stuff' that has been pushed to the back of your mind while you have been making decisions and coping with the day to day reality of physical treatments.  Visit us regularly if you need to share or vent - we understand and care.

Rae

Valjean

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.

Your posts are proof-positive of the compassion & caring & support that is in abundance on this site.

Bon ~ I agree when you say, "When I melt down, it's not over the cancer but the sheer enormity of the task of trying to eradicate it." And, I will add, "and the enormity of trying to move beyond it."

Bennybear ~ Very sorry for the loss of your brother. I just had my 4-month follow-up recently, got a good report & blood work was great. I should have been dancing all the way to my car, but when I got in it, I started to cry, right there in the parking lot. Still have my moments.

marlegal ~ My Mom & I were very close, her being an only child & me being her only daughter. I agree, it was a lack of knowledge, not lack of caring. I am still working on the forgiveness part.

somanywomen ~ Sorry about the loss of your sister when you were so young. I do believe those experiences are part of what we draw from to help us continue on our path.

lowrider ~ What a comfort you were to your Dad, I'm sure it meant so much to him to have that closeness with you during that difficult time.

I will continue to come to this site, & even if it is only to send a cyber-hug, then that is what I will do.  

{BC Sisters just get it}

{{hugs to all}}

PearlGirl

I'm having a bit of a meltdown because my Mom is really very ill from the Salmonella and I am not in any condition to do much for her right now. It's maddening and annoying that the timing is so rotten.

But ladies, I've been reading your postings on the subject of dealing with relatives who were ill when you were all younger and some of you have regrets. Well, here I am, older, and I should be wiser having dealt with this cancer dx, too. But I find myself telling my poor, dear Mom the things we all hate to hear people tell us.  I say "Just do what the doctor says and you should be OK" or "If you don't drink you can't stay hydrated and you'll get sicker". What I should be saying is "Gee, Mom, I know you're scared. What can I do to help" Last Saturday she wanted to talk about being cremated instead of being buried in her already paid for crypt. And I couldn't deal with the thought of it. Instead I went and bought her some groceries she needed.

So my friends, cut yourself some slack and know that at least this one of you who should know better did not rise to the occasion. I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to think of her not being here. She's my Mom. I just tuned out...la la la la la, fingers in ears, la la la la, I'm not listening, la la la la.  What a wimp I am!  I'll do better this week. Promise.

somanywomen

Bon..You can only do what you can handle, you have to take care of you first....My mom was in hospital about a month ago and every day I went to the hospital she would give me stuff to go do, some just silly stuff...I would look at her lying there and think, what if she doesn't make it, they had her all hooked up and could not give an answer of what was wrong with her, even though my mom can drive me crazy sometimes, I would miss her terribly if she were not around.....My mother got out of hospital and has been on two out-of-state trips since then, hopefully your mom will recover and you can discuss things at a better time ....Do what you can/want mentally and physically, believe me we are with you here and think you are doing great given this new world of ours......

Stanzie

Oh bon, even if you did go get groceries I'm betting your Mom knows exactly Why you went to get groceries! I think that is one thing that never changes, Mom's know..... I'm so sorry she is ill from the Salmonella - that is very scary and you are right she does need to keep hydrated and when you feel bad sometimes you forget the basics. Anyway, you still can tell her you know she must be scared cause you are too.

 Not that this relates to your mom cause I'm sure she will be fine, but when my Mom was dying and because it was lung cancer that had moved to her brain, we sometimes wern't sure what all she understood and what she didn't. So we actually didn't know if she knew how bad it all was. Well, she did but between my two sisters and I she told us all different things and talked about differernt things with each of us. At the time I was surprised not I totally understand because we are all so different and she just knew us all so well. That is one thing I do not have regrets about and that is when my Mom was sick she knew I was there for her and was with her till the very end. I am so glad I was able to be with her. I know for some it just isn't possible and I believe Moms know and understand this too. Anyway, Bon - you are doing great and I believe she knows how much you love her and I'm sure she is worried about you too.  Hope she feels better soon and you too.

raeinnz

bon, Please don't be so hard on yourself - you are not a wimp.  You are using every ounce of your physical and emotional strength at the moment in a fight for YOUR life and you will run out at times.  Your Mum knows how it is for you and I'm sure she appreciates that you are able to be as much support as you are. I agree with Stanzie - get things out in the open - tell her you are scared for her and that you understand why she would be scared to.  I can understand why you didn't want to think, let alone talk about her death, burial etc - it is just to close to your own heart at the moment. I have to drive past our local hospice to get to the city and for about 12 months after dx I used to get a panic attack when I passed - sweaty, heart pounding - it was the thought of ending up there I just couldn't handle and sometimes I just didn't have the strength to face it and drove an extra 10 miles so I didn't have to go that way home.  You can't change what you did in the past but you can change what you do in the future - I am taking you up on your promise to do better this week!

Thinking of you - hope your Mum recovers quickly and you can get back to healing you.

Rae

PearlGirl

My poor Mom called me a couple of weeks ago and was in tears, apologizing for giving me the bad genes that caused my cancer!  I spent a lot of time trying to console her and telling her it isnt' her fault...It's the luck of the draw...One in every 7 women gets BC and I was # 7. My Mom, who is a breast (BMX 1981) and ovarian cancer (1952 ) survivor, was apologizing to me.  Didn't complain about what she had endured all those years ago. Just apologized to me. Amazing!

I phoned her just now and we talked a bit and I told her how sorry I am that she's been so ill recently (she just got over pneumonia and multiple rounds of antibiotics so they thought her initial diarrhea was from those drugs and never dreamed of Salmonella until about 2 weeks into this) and that I'm sorry I couldn't do more for her over this last couple of months, and I told her I am worried about her.  To which she responded "I'm so sorry for adding stress and worry to your life, especially now." 

I think Mom's just want the best for their daughters. I guess she will always know that I love her. I'm so lucky to still have her in my life.

Thanks for being here, Ladies. I feel lucky to have you all, too.

marlegal

Now THAT was a wonderful post    Yup, Moms just get it, and luckily we all do.  Hugs buddies

jrgolomb

I have had a rough summer with dh and dd riding me on the whys and wherefores of my cancer.  It has been pretty miserable, until I realized they were just really afraid, as afraid, no probably more afraid than me.  I knew this  in a quick little second when my dd of 18 years( and bullet proof) of age came up to me with tears in her eyes and the expression of " I need you, Mommy; I am afraid" and told me she just wouldn't know what to do if  the cancer came back and I died.  Well, like her younger years when she had a nightmare and there just was no explanation on the whys and wherefores of that dream, I just took her in my arms and hugged her.  Yeah, I really should say we held onto each other.  Since then she gets it....DH on the other hand....!!!! lol

raeinnz

bon  - you did keep your promise!  You rock - I hope you both feel better now. 

Valjean

Bon ~ Oh, what a wonderful conversation you had with your Mother. She is very lucky to have you. Hope she is feeling better.

Jess ~ Hugging your DD. My DD's are 33 & 31. I, of course, always give them big hugs when I greet them & 'good-bye' them, but since my bc dx, I will go up to them at any time, at their home or mine, & just give them the biggest hug & tell them how very much I love them. I want to tell them often, and I want them to hear it from me often.

I also want to tell all of you how thankful I am for you.  

{[hugs}}

Stanzie

Bon - So happy to read you last post!!!!

PearlGirl

They admitted my Mom to the hospital in the middle of the night because she isn't responding to the meds for Salmonella and has become much more debilitated.  Please pray for her.

Stanzie

Oh I'm sorry! Please keep us updated.