Remission & Recurrence

oh, i know exactly how you feel! having to struggle with this ambiguity every day is so hard. i am so happy to be through with treatment and to have 'no evidence of disease'. yet it is never completely out of my mind that in fact, i could be dying of this disease. probably (65%) not! but maybe (35%)! it is an ongoing challenge to live each day normally, and to embrace the life that i'm getting back now that im feeling better, and not to dwell on the 'dark voices' as i call them. every ache and pain puts me in a really bad place mentally. but i tell myself, what i have is today.....be happy and feel good today! it is crazy...i think the not knowing, and having to move forward with optimism and normalcy, is one of the hardest aspects of all this. i've been stuggling with it...thanks for posting this. another thing that's hard is all the very well-meaning people who congratulate me on being 'done' with cancer, since i finished my treatment. usually i just thank them and agree, yes, it's so great, but there's a part of me that always wants to say but it could come back and kill me! i hope this gets better with time. just trying to focus on the good things...working in my garden, working in my son's classroom, the stuff i missed out on the last nine months.

i am 8 years out. it took me awhile to come to peace with all of this. part of the problem is even after you finish treatment, it takes your body awhile to really recover. when your body doesn't feel good; i think that fear of relapse really rears it ugly head. add hormone tx and you feel even worse because of all the changes in your body.

what has helped me the most is this:"  i have been telling myself over and over that i will deal with relapse WHEN it occurs. i try to live in each day and not get too far ahead of myself and avoid the "what ifs"  i know if my cancer comes back; i will return to treatment and fight. in the meantime; after each "clear" oncology appt; i just focus on each day and move forward. i live in earthquake country and they are ALWAYS talking about THE BIG ONE...i can't be scared every day...but i can be prepared and know i can deal with what comes my way...earthquake or cancer.

i think you have to give yourself a little time to work through these fears. my experience is acceptance and knowing i can "deal" helps me get through each day.

don't give up. hang in there

It took me about 3 years to be at peace with having had cancer.

Now I keep in mind that I am cancer free, unless and until, they tell me otherwise.