THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!

I was 26 years old when my beautiful Mother passed away from uterine/ovarian cancer.

I had no idea what she was really going through, what she was really feeling. I might have thought I did, but I didn't.

I remember going to see her in the hospital & telling her she'd be fine, she was doing fine, etc. I just did not understand. I just plain ass didn't know. And I didn't know what to say except that she'd be fine & that I loved her. I went with her to her doctor appts, probably sat there like a bump on a log, not knowing what to say or jabbering about nothing, nothing at all.

Then I went home & went on with my life.

My DD was 10 1/2 months old when I lost my Mom. I remember her sitting on her couch watching my DD play & she said, "I don't think I'll ever get to see her graduate."  (sorry, I'm crying right now. back in a min) Sorry..........anyway, I remember saying, "Oh, yes you will. You're gonna be fine." What the hell did I know?!? I was a stupid 26 year old girl with a DH & a baby, she was going through so much crap & I just sat there & said, "Oh, you'll be fine."

I totally agree, notself, that if one is not faced with their own mortality, they really do not understand what the other person is going through. (another cry break)..... They don't know what to say or feel or how to express themselves. I agree, some people are narcissistic. And others just don't get it, even with it right in front of their face. But, I truly think most just don't KNOW what to say & so they don't say anything at all & they just look the other way, make happy, & go on with their lives. And they leave us to go on with ours. It's easier for them that way.

I hope I am able to tell my DH & both of my DD's one day, if need be, that it will be okay for them to ............... I can't go on with that sentence.

Anyway, I hope I have learned from that experience with my Mother. And, yes, Kate, I really do think even though those things have happened to us by people we did not ever think that would come from, that we would be there for them one day if put in that situation. Because we are the better for it. We are the better person because we will know how they are feeling & can 'be there' for them.

WE WILL GET IT.

Wow, I haven't cried that much in a long, long time. Maybe I needed it.....

Sorry to unload......

I live everyday with the knowledge that I might not have 'been there' enough for my Mother. That is something I have to bear......

{{love & hugs to all of you}}

Valerie ♥

I think notself has got it exactly - people don't get it because they haven't come to terms with their own mortality.

On the other hand, I think going through something difficult like this makes you better at saying  the right thing & helping people in difficult situations that aren't bc. A good friend told me recently that she and her husband have seperated. I knew enough to say only, "I'm so sorry about that" and just LISTEN because I knew she needed to talk.

Leah

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Bon- Early congratulations for making it through chemo and wishing you much strength in the challenges ahead.  I hope it all goes quickly and you'll soon be celebrating your 5 year "cancerversary" too!  Sorry to hear about your Mom.  Thanks for letting us know about the FDA app.  I will definitely check it out!

Valerie- I am so sorry about your Mom.  I know how hard it must have been to lose her.  I know we all have regrets about what we did or didn't do for those we love.  Your post makes me see the ones in my life who have disappointed me in a different light and that there's just a lack of understanding there.  I was just having a bad day but I know that I, too, would try to be there for anyone going through this or any other life challenge.  Knowing someone was there who could understand and empathize helped me get through this and that is what I would try to pass on.  That is why I love this site, and the women on it, so much.   

Stanzie,

Your friends most likely never analyzed their feelings or the reasons for those feelings.  They just acted "thoughtlessly".

Wow,  this is an amazing place,

 I too have been amazed by the lack of support from some.   But also amazed by the support of others.   I do try to keep perspective but it can really hurt,   one of my friends moved away without even a call to say goodbye,  I also had some colleagues treat me like I had typhoid.  

I am at a point where I realize it is more about them than me,  but it still is tough. 

My brother died of a brain tumour and I used to take him for his radiation treatment so it brings it all back when I had to go. Today,  I am finished but went for a follow up with my surgeon and burst into tears when I hit the cancer centre.

My daughter says I need to take time to deal with this,   I think she is probably very wise,  as I have been trying to avoid that.  

Thanks for being there, b

bennybear - your daughter is right - you do need to take time to deal with the emotional 'stuff ' now and it could be a long time.  Many women find that the hardest time starts once active treatment has finished.  That is when you have to face all the emotional 'stuff' that has been pushed to the back of your mind while you have been making decisions and coping with the day to day reality of physical treatments.  Visit us regularly if you need to share or vent - we understand and care.

Rae

I'm having a bit of a meltdown because my Mom is really very ill from the Salmonella and I am not in any condition to do much for her right now. It's maddening and annoying that the timing is so rotten.

But ladies, I've been reading your postings on the subject of dealing with relatives who were ill when you were all younger and some of you have regrets. Well, here I am, older, and I should be wiser having dealt with this cancer dx, too. But I find myself telling my poor, dear Mom the things we all hate to hear people tell us.  I say "Just do what the doctor says and you should be OK" or "If you don't drink you can't stay hydrated and you'll get sicker". What I should be saying is "Gee, Mom, I know you're scared. What can I do to help" Last Saturday she wanted to talk about being cremated instead of being buried in her already paid for crypt. And I couldn't deal with the thought of it. Instead I went and bought her some groceries she needed.

So my friends, cut yourself some slack and know that at least this one of you who should know better did not rise to the occasion. I'm ashamed of myself but I don't want to think of her not being here. She's my Mom. I just tuned out...la la la la la, fingers in ears, la la la la, I'm not listening, la la la la.  What a wimp I am!  I'll do better this week. Promise.

Oh bon, even if you did go get groceries I'm betting your Mom knows exactly Why you went to get groceries! I think that is one thing that never changes, Mom's know..... I'm so sorry she is ill from the Salmonella - that is very scary and you are right she does need to keep hydrated and when you feel bad sometimes you forget the basics. Anyway, you still can tell her you know she must be scared cause you are too.

 Not that this relates to your mom cause I'm sure she will be fine, but when my Mom was dying and because it was lung cancer that had moved to her brain, we sometimes wern't sure what all she understood and what she didn't. So we actually didn't know if she knew how bad it all was. Well, she did but between my two sisters and I she told us all different things and talked about differernt things with each of us. At the time I was surprised not I totally understand because we are all so different and she just knew us all so well. That is one thing I do not have regrets about and that is when my Mom was sick she knew I was there for her and was with her till the very end. I am so glad I was able to be with her. I know for some it just isn't possible and I believe Moms know and understand this too. Anyway, Bon - you are doing great and I believe she knows how much you love her and I'm sure she is worried about you too.  Hope she feels better soon and you too.

My poor Mom called me a couple of weeks ago and was in tears, apologizing for giving me the bad genes that caused my cancer!  I spent a lot of time trying to console her and telling her it isnt' her fault...It's the luck of the draw...One in every 7 women gets BC and I was # 7. My Mom, who is a breast (BMX 1981) and ovarian cancer (1952 ) survivor, was apologizing to me.  Didn't complain about what she had endured all those years ago. Just apologized to me. Amazing!

I phoned her just now and we talked a bit and I told her how sorry I am that she's been so ill recently (she just got over pneumonia and multiple rounds of antibiotics so they thought her initial diarrhea was from those drugs and never dreamed of Salmonella until about 2 weeks into this) and that I'm sorry I couldn't do more for her over this last couple of months, and I told her I am worried about her.  To which she responded "I'm so sorry for adding stress and worry to your life, especially now." 

I think Mom's just want the best for their daughters. I guess she will always know that I love her. I'm so lucky to still have her in my life.

Thanks for being here, Ladies. I feel lucky to have you all, too.

I have had a rough summer with dh and dd riding me on the whys and wherefores of my cancer.  It has been pretty miserable, until I realized they were just really afraid, as afraid, no probably more afraid than me.  I knew this  in a quick little second when my dd of 18 years( and bullet proof) of age came up to me with tears in her eyes and the expression of " I need you, Mommy; I am afraid" and told me she just wouldn't know what to do if  the cancer came back and I died.  Well, like her younger years when she had a nightmare and there just was no explanation on the whys and wherefores of that dream, I just took her in my arms and hugged her.  Yeah, I really should say we held onto each other.  Since then she gets it....DH on the other hand....!!!! lol

Bon ~ Oh, what a wonderful conversation you had with your Mother. She is very lucky to have you. Hope she is feeling better.

Jess ~ Hugging your DD. My DD's are 33 & 31. I, of course, always give them big hugs when I greet them & 'good-bye' them, but since my bc dx, I will go up to them at any time, at their home or mine, & just give them the biggest hug & tell them how very much I love them. I want to tell them often, and I want them to hear it from me often.

I also want to tell all of you how thankful I am for you.  

{[hugs}}

They admitted my Mom to the hospital in the middle of the night because she isn't responding to the meds for Salmonella and has become much more debilitated.  Please pray for her.