THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!

Raeinnz,

True fear factor for me but loved it all the way. In FL all we have are ditches to catch the water and everything is flat! I live in S FL so the highest hills are probably the sand dunes! Loved, loved your countryside and the flowers were just gorgeous!

Talked with one of my sisters today. She's got problems of her own so didn't go into much detail of my schedule of appointments.... they're never ending at this point. Glad I have a cat!

Raeinnz, If I didn't love all 4 of my sisters I would let you have one... probably would have growing up! Love chatting with you.

I'm the only one in the family w/BC. Sorta freaked them out because I'm in the middle per se. One sister is an onc nurse so she calls every so often to see how I'm doing, especially when I was doing the rads. She seemed to know at what point I would be "tired" or "really red". It's nice but still it's hard to express what's going on day to day.

Glad I've got all you!   It's friday here (not sure what day NZ is in - Sat?)  going to watch a movie! A girlie movie! Want to eat popcorn but it's not on the 'good' list....

I hope no one minds if I jump in here - I too have had OUTRAGEOUS responses to my dx.. but I've seen this now from the view point of a patient as well as the view point of a child of a father going through treatment and ultimately dying of bc..  When my Dad was dx'ed I was the "strong" one  in the family, I lived in a different state but tried to get home to see him every 6 weeks..  He stayed clear of the subject and I thought that perhaps it was because it was breast cancer (and that he didn't know how to explain that he had a disease that usually refers to women) or that he was protecting us, his children from the worry.  Either way I cooperated in his silence, but there was an understanding underneath it all - we both knew what this was and we both knew that he would be leaving us soon..  I often wonder now, having experienced the fear myself, if I could have helped him by trying to talk to him about - help him process it..  But I also feel that I did the same thing to my own children, tried to protect them from it, and it wasn't until my son came to me after my surgeries and chewed me out for not letting him understand the full nature of my illness.  How unfair it was to leave him out of it - that he could have (and would have) been there for me had he known - yet I always thought he WAS there!  He was of course right and I see now that everyone just tries to do their best and their thoughts are usually for the other person.  What ever that person needs from me I try to give even if I think that is silence..  I felt very alone with my dx and after my experience with my son I realize that I had put myself there in that silence as some sort of "protection" for my family - but I did feel alone and terrified - how different would it have been if I had allowed my children in to help soothe me..  I guess I will never know and neither will my Dad may he rest in peace.. It's a complex issue - how much do we want to say, how much do we want our spouse or significant other to jump in and "help" us, how much fear do we want those who love us to see..  Too complex for tonight - I think I'll try to find a bottle of that wine you guys have been speaking about.!!  Best to all, Deirdre

Yup life is what's important somanywomen!!  Thanks for the reminder!!!!

deidre - I did let my daughters 'in'.  As a family we are like that - life is discussed and this was no different so we had a round the table talk to start with and then over the days and weeks it turned into spontaneous discussions whenever one or all of them wanted to know something or if we found out some more information.  We discussed my treatment options and prognosis but also what impact this dx would have on them. Their reactions have been totally different from eachother and typical of who they are ie one has been terrified of losing me ever since and has become very careful of me, one asked question after question after question for months until she knew as much as me about it all and the other one has hardly said a word but I know she is concerned not only for me but for the implicatons for her.  Having the information may have taken away the fear of 'not knowing' but I am not convinced that it has helped them cope any better emotionally - it was still a huge shock for them and they still have fear for me and always will.  The talks did prepare them to cope well with the physical aspects of my treatment and the disruption of the household though.

wow, what a cool thread   i love when i just click on active topics and find something like this.  i'll be 5 yrs out tues, 8/24 and i can remember like it was yesterday feeling all of a sudden like i was one of "them" until i found this site and the chat rooms and these boards.  it was weird, i was a mix of  being strong and being really selfish, feeling like i had a "pass" to be bitchy and demanding! i confess that some of the bitch is still with me, and i kind of like her!  i was strong because i wanted my dd's (25 and 26 at the time) to be proud of me, and i wanted to be proud of me and i wanted coworkers to be proud of me.  but then there were days when i just melted in hub's arms and let him "do" for me and thank god he rose to the challenge.  and the cool thing now - i still need all of you for the crap like LE that comes in that no one else can talk about like we can so yes, they have no idea, but thank god or karma or buddha that we DO have an idea, and we can talk about it and laugh about it and cry about it and just ... be        love and hugs to you all

I thought I was open in my discussion with my family until my brother got oral cancer.  I called him every day and we discussed his treatment.  I would then tell my sister about the conversations.  She was always surprised by the SE's of radiation and chemo.  I realized then, I never really discussed my own treatment with her.  It was invisible to her.  She seemed to be sad that she didn't know because I never talked about it.

I think my DH is wishing I'd return back to the land of the living and stop posting so much on this site as well.  I told him even though I'm done with treatment I don't feel I am finished with BC.  I don't think he realizes, yet, that this experience has changed me forever.  All I know, though, is when a whole lot of family and friends went MIA during treatment, I could always come here and find solace, compassion and understanding.  How do you unplug from that and why would you want to?

I have a new oncology assistant whose first words out of his mouth were you know this cancer is not cureable. DUH.

marlegal,

Congratulations on FIVE YEARS.  How absolutely wonderfulllllllll.

CONGRATULATIONS MARIEGAL!!!!!!!

One of my family was not interested in my problems.  She told me "Everything is always all about you."  She isn't interested in my brother's oral cancer surgery or treatment either so it isn't personal, she is just has a classic case of narcissism. 

My other family members, except my DH, did not get it.  I got the standard platitudes and they certainly would have been there to help, but still today, they don't get it.  My brother with oral cancer (from Agent Orange) knows what I have been through because he has recently had to follow the same path.  I was happy to be able to use my experience to walk down his with him.

People don't get it because they usually have never come to terms with mortality. I can understand because I had not faced it until my diagnosis.  I would like to live as long as possible, but now I know for certain that I will not live forever.  That is the knowledge we all avoid until we are forced to face reality.  This is why, for my family at least, "they have no idea!!"