What about ESTRANGED DAUGHTERS AND BC INFO

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Medigal
Medigal Member Posts: 1,412

I was wondering how important it is for our daughters and/or granddaughters to know they have bc in their blood line when they fill out those forms for their doctors??  I have an adult "daughter" who upon her own decision estranged herself from our family about 30 years ago.  She is now 47 years old and either in menopause (I went early into menopause) or soon to be and my concern is if her doctor will be putting her on HRT without knowing that her mother was diagnosed with bc and if this can be dangerous for her.  I was also informed by a neighbor "years" ago that we have two grandchildren by her and her husband and one is a girl. How can my daughter protect her daughter if she doesn't know about my bc??  I don't even know the name of my granddaughter and wouldn't recognize her or her adult brother if I saw them on the street. 

We have no idea how to contact them or even what city or state they are in.  I was always at peace with "her" decision since I felt she had a right to live her life as she choose once she was an adult.  However, I had no  idea years ago that bc was in my future.  She used to know where we lived all our lives but several years ago we were forced to move to another state.  Should I be concerned about this issue??   All I want is for her and her family to be healthy and happy but what she has done by estranging herself from us has made it impossible for me to find her now. I hope I am just overreacting to my concerns due to the Arimidex.   IS there a real necessity for her to know about my diagnosis??   Thanks for any advice you can share.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2010

     It's important for everyone to know their  family history. She is at higher risk of bc (twice  the risk) because of your diagnosis of bc. You're a good caring mom to care about her health, even after all these many years of estrangment. Good Luck in finding out her whereabouts--I hope she appreciates your concern for her health.

    Anne

  • cbm
    cbm Member Posts: 475
    edited August 2010

    Hi, Medigal.  I agree with Anne that it would be important to disclose your medical information to your daughter if at all possible.  I don't think you are overreacting; in fact, if her father's medical history is of any importance--heart disease, for example, runs in family bloodlines also--you should try to offer that information as well.

    When I was in grad school I was kind of known as the student who could find anything and anyone on the internet, so let me offer you some suggestions if you want to get some info to her.  

    Start with Google, using the name(s) you know.  Just input her name and see what happens.

    Assuming she went to high school for some period of time, you might remember the names of her friends.  You can Google them.  You might contact the high school and see if the reunion committee has a recent publication, a Classmates site, a Facebook site, or if the high school has started a foundation, as many have done so in an era of budget cuts for amenities.

    Join Facebook, LinkedIn, and Classmates (Classmates may not be free).  Don't send out friend requests, though, but see if you can locate any of her friends or your friends from the old neighborhood.  You might send a message indicating that you are trying to send a message of importance regarding a health issue to her.  You might also find her among the friends of her friends, and be able to send her a message yourself.  

    Peoplefinder, Whitepages, and some of the other free phone book type sites are former-name sensitive, and former address sensitive.  That is, you might get a sense of where she is from a birthdate listed on the site, a former city she lived in, and you might actually find your own name listed among her connections.  Databases don't care about estrangement, relatives are relatives in the eyes of the government!

    Last, consider hiring an attorney who has access to more restricted information.  If you have her social security number, you will definitely be able to find her and your grandchildren.  She has certain rights as your daughter, as she may be your heir in the eyes of the probate court someday (or you, hers).  

    I can't imagine being in either your shoes or hers, but I know she may be feeling as you do.  She may have had her own bout with breast cancer already.  All you can do is try and know that everything changes and time softens us all.

    I hope this helps.

    Cathy 

  • Dilly
    Dilly Member Posts: 655
    edited August 2010

    Medigal, my bs & onc told me that my 4 granddaughters should begin mammograms at age 35; my only daughter is 46 and began getting mammos at 40.   It would probably be helpful to yours if you could get word of your dx to them somehow; but I also understand your dilemma, and your concern - am not "close" with DS's family either, and it's difficult keeping track of them. 

    Your daughter also carries the responsibility for her decision.  She has been filling out doctor's forms/medical information for years and years as an adult and parent herself, and she has a certain duty to her own children to know to contact you or your family and find out what health risks her dna carries.  So, even though you care, you may not be able to fix it; but it's not your fault if she doesn't follow through - in the age of all sorts of health information, personal responsibility, internet access, she as a grown woman must accept her own responsibility, too. 

    I hope your concern creates a "channel" so that perhaps she can contact someone out of the blue, and just "check in after all these years".  My best wishes to you on your lifepath. Peace.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited August 2010

    I wasn't going to say anything, but came back to this thread. Here's my take:

    She made the decision to remove you from her life. It's her choice and her call. If you contact her now with the very, very serious need to let her know about your cancer diagnosis, she may read it completely wrong and think you're asking for sympathy or a new connection.

    You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck with your decision, I'm really interested to see how you work this out! It'd make a good movie line as there is so much baggage involved.

  • Sue-61
    Sue-61 Member Posts: 599
    edited August 2010

    Try USA people search. I have found a lot of old friends on that site. I also am RN and can get into the MA board of registration in nursing, for example, to locate old classmaters. Good luck!

  • Medigal
    Medigal Member Posts: 1,412
    edited August 2010

    Ladies:  I wonder if any of you can help me with my main concern here.  Does the fact that I was diagnosed ER+ PR+ Herp2neu etc. definitely mean that my daughters "If" they have the bc gene in them will also be the same ER+ etc. diagnosis??  If it doesn't then my concern about the HRT and birth control pills they may or may not take will not be justified.  Not everyone's bc is involved with hormones.  I won't be seeing my Onc until November so if you don't know the answer to my concern, I will see if he can explain it to me. 

    As Barbie mentioned, I would NEVER want my estranged daughter to think that after 30 years I am just trying to contact her to look for sympathy for myself or a new connection with her. Because of circumstances, as sad as it seems at times, our lives are not meant to be connected.  I was really trying to find a way to get the information she needed for herself and my granddaughter by other means than to contact her myself.  As another poster mentioned, she made the decision to leave our family so I feel she must accept the responsibility for her actions.

    We have always been in the telephone book and I am sure she can find us on those people finder things if it ever occurs to her to check out information for her medical records.  Thank you for your input.

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited August 2010

    If you got bc postmenopausally, then its more likely you had a sporadic case of breast cancer, not an inheritable one. Remember, only about 10-15% of breast cancers are thought to be due to single, inheritable gene mutations.

    I don't get along with my sister, and when I got diagnosed with LCIS, I asked the genetics counselor if I needed to tell my sister. I have a weak family history of bc. I was diagnosed at age 51, pre-menopausally.  My sister was aged 53 at that time.  My genetics counselor said that her screening shouldn't be any different because she should be getting annual mammograms anyway.  (My sister got diagnosed with a slow growing stage IV cancer in her liver - not breast or ovarian cancer - 3 years later.)

    Knowing my sister, if I told her my diagnosis and encouraged her to have yearly mammograms (I don't know if she has or not), that would definitely drive her AWAY from getting medical care because she wants to have total control of her life.  At this point, with her own cancer, mammograms probably don't matter.  She needs to live her own life.

  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited August 2010

    Have you had genetic testing? As Leaf said, your history doesn't suggest a genetic misprint-in which case,if you don't have a mispint, your daughter can't have inherited the defect.

  • cbm
    cbm Member Posts: 475
    edited August 2010

    Medigal, I am so sorry that I misunderstood your question.  I don't know the answer to your question about genetics.  

    Cathy 

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited August 2010

    I have to admit, I tend to agree with Barbe. She made a serious decision to cut off contact with you. If she's 47 ow, that means you're at least in your mid to late 60's. I'm sure she realizes that you and your dh have medical issues that come about with age that she should know about, so if she feels it's important she'll make an effort to find out. If not, that's a medical decision she has made and must live with.

    Leah

  • Medigal
    Medigal Member Posts: 1,412
    edited August 2010

    No I have not had genetic testing.  I thank ALL you wonderful ladies for helping me feel better about this issue.  Maybe I am concerned about something I have no control over.  Even if she or her daughter ever get bc it may have nothing to do with hormones.   I appreciate your taking the time to give me some peace of mine about this issue.  At my age, I don't need to bring more turmoil into our lives by trying to help her.  She is an adult now and I guess it is her responsibility to be concerned about herself and her daughter (whose name I don't even know).  This is truly a sad situation which I can have no control  over.  Thanks ladies for helping me look at this more logically.

  • pj12
    pj12 Member Posts: 25,402
    edited August 2010

    I don't have anything useful to contribute but just want to say I am sorry for this sad part of your life. You have done a good job of reconciling yourself to the loss of your daughter. I always benefit from your postings here and recognize the wisdom and knowledge you have to share. She has lost a lot in her decision to alienate herself from her family.

    Hugs, pam 

  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited August 2010

    hi sistas

    i see a lot of my sistas here and i just wanted to put in my 2 cents.I have a daughter who chose to ignore the family.I also thought at first she should know.I do have ways to get in touch with her BUT she had thyroid cancer and never let her own daughters know about it.I had to do the homework for my granddaughters(her daughters) SO I am not letting her know about this.she is 50 yrs.old.it was her choice to be away from her daughters and her mother.I dont have to tell her anything..this was after a lot of thought..I did forgive her but she would think i want her in my life for sympathy and i dont.im gonna let sleeping dogs lie without guilt.

  • Medigal
    Medigal Member Posts: 1,412
    edited August 2010

    Grannydukes:  Thank you SO much!  I will sleep better tonight after reading your post.  You seem to have been through it and found how just how to handle it.  I am all with you in "letting sleeping daughters lie!"  Sorry you had to have this experience with your daughter but at least I know I am not alone in this situation.  Thanks again for taking the time to reassure me. 

  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited August 2010

    medigal.i sent you a pm.i really dont like to put all my crap on the thread.

    K

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