Starting Chemo April 2009

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2010

    Oh Helen....since I haven't seen a shrink yet can I ask you this...what do they say about depression from breast cancer?  I mean..how can we NOT be depressed what the hell....we just had our mortality slapped in our faces and we still aren't sure about the future....I KNOW that we should just live day to day and try to enjoy each day..but dang...you just never know...and I know all about stepping out in front of a truck or whatever but still..how in the heck are we supposed to be happy..how do we become the people we were before cancer.??? 

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited July 2010

    Titan, after the psychiatrist listened to me for 90 minutes to hear what has been going on in my life, she said that my feelings, as a breast cancer patient, are not unusual at all. Certainly the shock of a bc dx, not just once, but two times, the chemo, rads, surgeries ... all of this is enough to cause emotional issues. Then add to that the issues we then have with recovery, relationships, work, financial etc. etc. ... it is quite normal. She said that more women are expressing these feelings (of depression) as a result of more women living longer following a dx of bc. (I guess that was good news). I've been sliding backwards for a while. She is hoping that the Wellbutrin will push me forward so that I can start taking better care of myself. She feels that it is a long term commitment - at least 8 months. Too soon to say if it has any impact but I'm hopeful. She also added this this is the only anti-depressant that helps with weight loss which goes to what you said.

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited July 2010

    Helen - I am so pleased to read that you have taken such positive steps to feeling better. I hope that this works for you and that you begin to see and feel an improvement.

    I think that it makes perfect sense that all the depression and feelings that we are having are normal. We have been through so much, it is hardly surprising that we have taken such a battering.

    Titan - I am not sure that we will ever go back to being what we were before BC, we just have to try and come to terms with our lives now. It is so hard, I am in the throws of panic getting ready for our trip and I had a major meltdown this morning. I was crying and shaking - my daughters were looking at me like I had just landed from Planet Mars! My short term memory is also particularly bad at the moment. I think that if I could find a way to relax, it would be so beneficial to me. I know that we should be happy, but I also know how hard it is to feel that way!

    Amy - waiting to hear your surprise!!!

    Hope everyone else is doing ok today. Hugs to you all and thanks for listening, Judy x

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited July 2010

    Judy, I do hope your trip helps you to enjoy some time away from the usual (& unusual) life demands. Our kids always want to see us be strong and they don't know how to respond when they see us struggling. But that is also a reality that our kids have to accept especially as they get older. It's really hard when they are little.

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2010

    Isn't it amazing that things like planning for a trip make us feel overwhelmed..we are going away for 2 days next weekend and I'm already freaking out about it...just everything I have to do to get ready to go have fun...I get overwhelmed over the dumbest stuff..then when I'm done with whatever I've freaked out about..I think..why was I so freaked out about it..

    I wonder why I say freak so much??

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  • BetsyBuzz
    BetsyBuzz Member Posts: 592
    edited July 2010

    Just checking in...life is anything but normal. My MIL is in the hospital, fainted with low bp, she has cellulitis and lymphedema. The cellulitus is very serious. She has been on IV antibiotics for the past two days.

    Our kitchen now has dry wall up so the house feels better. It was weird not having a ceiling for several weeks. I think the texture goes up next week. Then primer...then cabinets.

    We went over to my in-laws to cook tonight. I left half the food there thinking my MIL won't be up to cooking. My FIL can work the microwave but that's about it.

    Weight loss with Wellbutrin...humm...sounds interesting. Helen and Lena keep us posted. Even if you don't lose weight hopefully you will feel better. When I was on anti-depressants they really helped. I won't hesitate to start them up again if I start struggling. Maybe I'm still numb but I don't seem to be feeling down about much of anything lately. I'm just thankful my energy is finally back. Maybe I'm in denial and it's going to hit me smack dab in the face soon. Right now I'm just enjoying the life I have.

    Judy...my short term and long term memory still comes and goes. I think the more stressed I get the worse it is. I'm trying to manage my stress better but some days it's just plain hard! Have fun on your trip.

    Amy...I can't wait until tomorrow. Your surprise sounds fun!

    Titan - don't change your freakin ways...freakin is better than the other F Sealed word.

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2010

    Amy it is Friday!   Please tell us your surprise!

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited July 2010
    Just wrote a really long post telling you everything and it is GONE!
    Let me try again. Will post shortly.
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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited July 2010

    Amy - I am on the edge of my seat! Please come back!

    Reading everyones posts, makes me feel so much better. It is comforting to know that what I am feeling is normal (there's that word again...). My kids are 14.5, 12 and 8, so my eldest daughter is generally ok, but the others worry when I lose it. I have made pages of lists now so that I know what I need to do each day before we leave for our trip. I was at the supermarket at 7.30am today and have been on my feet all day (company again tonight : ) ) and then I was so tired, I have been snapping at everyone. I can hear myself, but just cannot seem to stop it. A good night's sleep would help me I am sure. Sometimes, I wonder why anyone in the house talks to me!

    Betsy - I hope your MIL feels better soon. Thinking of you.

    Hugs to everyone for a good weekend! If I can, I will come by later to see if Amy has posted again!

    Take good care, Judy x

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2010

    umm..Amy dear...?  It has been 3 hours...come on give it up.....!! 

    Judy..I feel tired too..but at the same point I'm hyper...I just can't seem to relax..I feel like I have to do something all the time.....it's driving me crazy.....

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited July 2010
    Drumroll........................
    Well ladies - here is my surprise. I was chosen to appear in the BreastCancer.org 10th anniversary video and yesterday was the filming. For a brief moment, I was a little like a movie star! (sort of)
    So here's what happened - a while ago, there was a post on the site asking for women who would be willing to come to Philadelphia to be filmed talking about BCO. I sent an email saying I would be glad to participate.
    A few weeks later, I had a call from the director in LA. She interviewed me for about an hour. She asked for an overview of my story in brief and then asked a variety of probing questions. She then said I'd hear if they had selected me to be in the film.
    So then about another week later I got an email saying I was chosen! I then received information about what to bring, wear, go, etc.
    So yesterday was the big day!
    I drove up to Philly which is about an hour or so away. As I drove, I reflected on the past 15 months since dx, all I've been through, learned, how I've grown, how my life has changed. I cried for about 45 minutes of the drive. Not sobbing, just more like weeping (which isn't like me at all) - as the emotion flowed from me as I reviewed the entire journey in my mind.
    They had rented a super modern townhouse (like an apt sort of) to use for the filming. It was up a crazy enclosed spiral staircase - really crazy. They had to take out a huge window to hoist up their equipment because none of it would fit up that stairway! So the big open living room (with huge ceilings, big windows) was used for the shooting. It was FILLED with equipment. I realized right away that my concept of the director asking me questions and one guy with a hand held digital camera wasn't quite realistic!
    There was a crew of about 12 people (director/producer/camera guy/asst camera guy/sound guy/sound guy helper/ light guy/makeup artist (!!!)/a few guys to lug heavy stuff around - not sure who they were exactly, and probably some I am forgetting). I got introduced around (and promptly forgot every single name) and then met the 2 ladies from BCO and 2 ladies from the ad agency that is running the whole campaign. They were really nice. My appt was noon, and when I got there, they were all getting ready to eat. I couldn't eat a thing. (Nice spread, though.) After lunch I had my makeup done. The woman was LOVELY - trained specifically in film/tv makeup. When she was done, I thought I looked like a 2 dollar hooker but she swore it would look good on camera! 
    Then it was time for my taping. I started to get nervous.
    I am usually a very outgoing, animated, upbeat, make everybody laugh type of person. But I found myself being very subdued, quiet, sober, as I answered her questions. She gave me some instructions to remember as I spoke, and that made it a little harder. And the questions were HARD. Like "Tell me exactly how you felt the very moment the doctor said "You have cancer." I would take a moment, reflect, try to compose a coherent response and then start talking. They stopped a few times to reload the camera, and then the guy would snap that clicky think in front of my face and say "Amy, Take Five" just like you see on TV!
    I felt tired by the end - it was challenging to put these complex emotions and this whole experience into words a viewer would understand. I talked A LOT about our April 2009 group and I wonder if any of that will make it into the video! We will have to see.
    They are using the tape for the 10th anniversary gala in Philly in Sept (with Harry Connick Jr appearing) but also are going to use parts of it for various PSAs (public service announcements) and ads as well. Plus it will be on Youtube so you-all can see my big film debut!

    Isn't that exciting?

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited July 2010

    AAmy...absolutely!     Can't wait to see you on u-tube..I'm so excited!  

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited July 2010

    Amy, that is indeed exciting. I'm so glad that you were chosen because I just know that you spoke well and that you represented not only yourself but all of us with great poise and dignity and honestly. I'm am also very excited to see you on tv or youtube.

    Judy, don't be so hard on yourself. We are all entitled to good days and lots of bad days when we need them. I'm sure your family loves you no matter what you do or say.

    Enjoy the weekend everyone. It's a long weekend here in Toronto

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited July 2010

    Amy - sounds amazing! I look forward to seeing it!

    Titan - take it easy this weekend : )

    Helen - thanks for your encouragement - you are very kind.

    Have a good weekend everyone! Hugs, Judy x

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  • Alaina
    Alaina Member Posts: 461
    edited July 2010
    The Bucket List!

    If breast cancer does anything, it makes you keenly aware of your own mortality. And when you start thinking of those "things" sometimes you ponder the things you want to do before you die. You start making your "bucket list."

    I prefer to think of these things as "things I want to do while I'm still ALIVE!"

    I promised my BFF & SisterInSurvivorship Dana (WingsofHope here on bco.org) that I would share in doing as many things on her bucket list as possible!

    So tomorrow, Dana, Tracey, and I are going JET SKIING!!! I've gone between being terrified and thrilled, and am leaning heavily on thrilled right now!

    Simply put, I CANNOT WAIT! This was not an item on my personal bucket list, but I am so honored and priviledged to be by Dana's side as she checks this off of HERS!

    You already know two of the things on my bucket list; learn Spanish and learn how to play the harp. Ooooh, I'm so dangerous! LOL!!!

    Anywhoo! Talk to me!...what's on YOUR bucket list?

    Wheeeee! And off we go!....

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  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited July 2010

     Hi Alaina,

    What a great question - and you're right, it's not really a "before I kick the Bucket" list in a bad way, because we will all kick the bucket some day, even if we live until our 90's.  So...the list is really those things we always mean to tell someone (like how we know we hurt them 20 years ago when we were much younger and we keep saying "one of these days I'm going to tell her how sorry I am about that", places we want to see, but never feel we quite have enough money set aside to do it comfortabley,(news flash...we will NEVER feel that way)  acivities (like jet skiing), that scare and thrill us at the same time, a random act of kindness that we really want to do, but always keep forgeting. 

    So, thank you Alaina, I am writing my bucket list today, not when I have time, not when I get around to it, but TODAY!  And then I am going to start working on it right away.

    The first thing I have procrastinated about for 34 years is not asking my nursing school roommate, and the saver of my a** so many times when we were teenagers, not to be in my wedding party, because I thought she lived too far away to be able to get to the dress fittings, arrange my shower, bacherlorette party etc.  So, I left her out.  Of course, she and her husband and parents were invited and came to the wedding, and we never mentioned a word about it.  I have lost touch with all the other bridesmaids (all 7 of them - not exactly a small wedding), but my friend Nancy and I are still close.  In two weeks, she and her husband, and my "boyfriend" Kevin and I are spending 4 days together in Vermont to celebrate (we are celebrating Nancy and Bob's 40th wedding anniverary, Bob's 65th birthday, my finishing Herceptin and Kevin and kevin and my 10th "being together" anniversary.  This is when I will try to make ammends for excluding her from my wedding for all the selfish reasons that young adults do those things - not excusing me, but I know she'll understand how this has been weighing so heavily on me all these years.

    Next step is to make arrangements for next winter to go to Australia - first I was going to go for my 25th wedding anniversary (which never happened - made it to 24 years), then it was my 60th birthday - oops, chemo got in the way, and now I was going to wait 3 1/2 more years for my 65th birthday - well, Alaina got me saying to myself, the hell with that, I'm going to go whenever I want to!

    So, let's hear it girls - follow Alaina's lead and write up that bucket list and let's compare - and Alaina, bless you for bringing this up for me, and for being a bucket list buddy for your friend!

     On to other things, since I haven't been on the boards in a while.  I'll get the crappy news finished first.  My 61 year old cousin (same age as me), just passed away after being diagnosed 3 months ago with stomach cancer - hardly had time to absorb the diagnosis and she was gone. The funeral is Tuesday, and all my brothers will be here - even the one from North Carolina, so it will be good to see them, even under such rotten circumstances. 

    My friend Bonnie with the stage 4 lung cancer (can ther ever be any good news!), had her port placed Tuesday at Sloan and started her Chemo on Thursday.  Right now she is in the "I'm strong enough for anything" phase, and far be it from me to burst her bubble,but I will be here if she needs me.

    I think I an starting to maybe, just maybe, feel a little better since the Herceptin is over - the muscles and joints still hurt, but I am hopeful that time will ease the pain.

    It is an absolutely beautiful day here in the Northeast, so I am going onto the deck and read, but I wish all of you a good weekend, and work on that bucket list - thanks again Alaina

    Geri

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited August 2010

    Hmm..bucket list..well I will have to sleep on this but I know I want to go fishing in the ocean..going to this fall..off a pier but the ocean nonetheless....My DH said he would put the shrimp on the hook for me so we are good to go.

    I also just want to love my family and friends to pieces and hug them and be there for them...you guys are included.

    And Alaina...I have never been jet skiing before but..I hear your A..s**8s8..will be as sore as heck from bouncing around...we expect to hear all about it....you go girl!  And have fun! 

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited August 2010

    Geri..my brother in law died of lung cancer..he was only 47...yes he smoked but he was still only 47..that is still young to die from lung cancer...I hate cancer...and just because he smoked doesn't mean that he deserved to die...

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited August 2010

    Geri - so sorry to hear about your cousin - our thoughts are with you! I hope Bonnie finds her treatment manageable. I know that she has a good friend in you!

    Now - the bucket list.....Alaina, great idea, definitely, gets you thinking : ) I have always wanted to learn spanish too, I also want to learn latin/salsa dancing and I want to fly in a plane across the Grand Canyon. So that is certainly something to be getting along with : )

    Titan - I don't think anyone deserves to have cancer, I remember telling my friends when I was having chemo, that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I used to be a smoker, and always worried about lung cancer, but you are right, even if you smoke, you don't deserve to die.

    That's all from me today, I may be off line for a few days, but will catch up again soon.

    Hugs to you all and have a wonderful Sunday!

    Judy x

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  • Alaina
    Alaina Member Posts: 461
    edited August 2010

    All I can say is MOST.FUN.EVER!

    More later when I get the pics!

    Have a glorious Sunday everyone!

    Alaina (and I'm loving everyone's bucket list ideas!  Keep 'em coming!)

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited August 2010

    Good for you Alaina! So pleased you had fun!

    Take care all, Judy x

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  • Alaina
    Alaina Member Posts: 461
    edited August 2010
    Pics from the jet ski adventure --> JETSKI
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  • BetsyBuzz
    BetsyBuzz Member Posts: 592
    edited August 2010

    Hi all,

    It was a wonderful weekend in the NW. Today was a perfect weather day, mid 80's. I harvested some beets and red cabbage and took it over to my IL's to make some Borscht. Yum...yum. The beets were oh so sweet.

    Amy- congrats on being a spokesperson. Sorry it sounded sort of stressful but it did sound interesting. First Chelev...now you. Wow we have some celebs on this thread.

    Alaina - I tried looking at your pics but just ended up in the facebook login. I logged in but had no idea how to follow the link. Can you or anyone else help me? Ya...I'm a Luddite.

    Judy - have a great trip.

    Re: my bucket list...I've never really thought about it before. I wanted to climb Mt. Hood when I turned 50 but didn't do it. Now I just don't think I am physically able to do it. Hell...I have trouble walking around the freakin block. I've been having weird leg cramps lately. About a week ago I had a terrible time at night. First in one leg then the other. Now it seems to have settled in a funny shot on the right side of my right leg. Last night it kept me up most of the night. It is very frustrating. Anyone else having cramps? Should I be worried about a blood clot? Lena...what did it feel like when your's was dx? I'm probably just getting worked up over nothing. It's probably just age. Oh yeah...I was thinking about the bucket list. Well I do want to go to the Galapagos Islands one day and Arches National Park. I also want to learn to hula hoop again. I've lost my touch. That's all I can think of right now. Alaina I'm glad you had so much fun.

    Hope you all have a great week.

    Betsy

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  • Alaina
    Alaina Member Posts: 461
    edited August 2010

    Apparently if you click the link from here, bco.org, it forces you to log-in, and be a member of Facebook.

    It only does it from here, which is very odd to me.

    If you'd like to see the pics, send me a Private Message here with your email address, and I will send you the link from my gmail account.  You will be able to see the pics from there.

    Alaina 

    BTW ~ Today is my 500th day as a survivor!  YAY!!!

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited August 2010

    Hi everyone! I am back from the first of our two trips! We had a few days at the Lake with friends and it was just wonderful! We had been there last year, just us, and it was a hard week, I wasn't eating, and still felt very sick. This year, we had a ball though - swimming, boating, eating, drinking, laughing! Just perfect. The kids had a great time and now we are unpacked and ready to start packing again for round 2 - not complaining though!

    Betsy - I too get leg cramps, usually in the night when my leg moves out of the duvet and it gets cold, the pain can be awful and I usually wake up screaming! It may be worth checking out though if you are worried. I do find that for a few days after I have had it, the pain lingers, like it has hurt the muscle and needs to settle again. I hope you feel better soon.

    Alaina - 500 days!!! Good for you, and all of us!!!!! Here's to many many more Smile

    Hope everyone is ok today, I will come by again in the next couple of days.

    Hugs to you all, Judy x

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  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited August 2010

    Just a quick hello to everyone - made my appointment to see a new oncologist as I had promised myself I would when the Herceptin was done, so I'll "interview" her in two weeks.  Leaving on Sunday for a few days in Vermont at a lakeside resort with friends - soooo looking forward to it.  My friend Bonnie started her chemo for her lung cancer last week (Thursday).  All hipped up and feeling reat for two days (steroids - we all remember that), and she crashed while I was on the phone with her on Sunday - got shaky, nauseous and was home alone - now she has to leave her husbands cell phone number for me as we are not geographically that close that I can run over there.  Yesterday we buried my cousin - 61 years old (my age) with a 3 month diagnosis of stomach cancer - such a hard day..I am still very emotional tonite, but again, I think you can all understand.

    Judy - so glad you had a nice time on your first get-away.  Where are you headed next?

    Alaina - you go girl! 500 days...now that's reason to celebrate.

    To all my April friends, have a good night, and if I don't come on for a few days, know I am thinking of you, but sunbathing on vacation while I'm thinking Laughing

    Geri

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  • BetsyBuzz
    BetsyBuzz Member Posts: 592
    edited August 2010

    Happy Thursday everyone! I'm taking a day off today, a much needed rest. I plan to do some laundry, pick out the knobs and pulls for our kitchen, meet my DH for lunch and play in my garden. My kinda day.

    Geri...I am so sorry to hear about your cousin and Bonnie. Sending you a big {{HUG}}. I'm not sure how I would be doing if I had to re-live last year's experience so soon. It's hard to go through it but also hard to witness it and be supportive. Especially, when you are still feeling beaten down by your own experience and other losses. {{HUG}}

    Judy - glad to hear you had so much fun. I hope your next trip is just as much fun.

    I think I agree with you it's just left over pain from the initial leg cramp but it's been almost two weeks. It seems like it should be getting better and it's not. Oh well...it's not keeping me down so I have nothing to complain about other than it messes with my sleep. I wake up hurting and can't get comfortable. 

    How's everyone else doing?

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited August 2010

    Hi everyone!

    Geri - have a wonderful trip next week. I am so sorry about your cousin - it must have been such a difficult day for all of you. I am thinking about Bonnie and sending you both (((hugs))). I hope that you relax on your vacation.

    Betsy - your day sounds perfect today! I hope you are enjoying it. Let me know how your leg feels over the next few days.

    That is about all from me today. Hugs to you all, take good care, Judy xxx

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited August 2010

    Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a few days but have been reading and keeping up with you. I started the Wellbutrin and I think it is helping. It hasn't changed the things that bother me but it seems easier to function. And so far, thank goodness, no se's so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it continues.

    I went out for a nice walk today with my new daughter in law and her mom - then we had lunch and just yakked. It was a lovely way to spend the day.

    Take care.

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  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited August 2010

    Helen - so good to hear from you and to hear that you are finding it easier to function. Glad, also that you had a nice day out with your DIL and her mother. These moments are precious!

    We have been busy preparing for our trip (I know...it seems like we have been doing this forever : ), it is that "small thing turns into huge challenge" issue ), but everything is under control. I am looking forward to a relaxing Saturday, I feel like lying around and reading my book. We have no company this week and are having lunch with friends tomorrow, so I have not spent too much time in the kitchen this week - hooray!

    I hope that everyone is doing ok and I am sending you all Hugs!

    Have a good weekend all, Judy x

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