Why are some people so mean?
I didn't know which forum was appropriate, but since this depresses me and causes me anxiety here it is: I had my final TAC chemo March 18th. I was, like most of you, traumatized to have lost my hair. I had long, naturally blonde hair all my life. It was a main factor in my personal identity and in the way the world recognized me. I was always viewed as being ultra-feminine and I I really do feel very feminine. When my hair started to come out in clumps I had it buzzed off. I started wearing beanies and scarves as the wig I have - while very attractive - is hot and itchy and I feel very fake while wearing it. The world now recognized me as a cancer patient. People would smile and move out of my way. Call me "sweetie". Look very sad as they eyed my two young children with me. It was disconcerting, but I noticed that the sight of me in that state caused people to stop in their busy tracks and become a little more gentle and human. It was kind of the herd mentality, the herd circling around the wounded member to protect them. OK, fast forward to now: I have maybe 1/4 to 1/2 inch of ash blonde hair coming in. I don't relate to the color at all and want my gold tones back AND it is getting rather warm. I'm frankly tired of covering my head and perceived as a cancer patient. I want this behind me. I want to get sun in my hair and recoup my hair color and I want to get off my chemo weight and get reconstructed after my bilateral masectomy. So, while taking a walk at the harbor I took off my scarf and let the sun shine on my seedling hair. Who'd have thought that such an act could draw such hostility! I was outright laughed at by two men and roughly brushed past by another! A few days later I went to the beach with my children. I took off my scarf after a few minutes as it was hot and I really just wanted that sunshine. Shortly thereafter a group of college students showed up and parked themselves close by. One of the girls looked at me and started laughing, "OMG! It's a dyke beach!" (her derogatory statement, not mine). The group proceeded to talk about lesbian sex loudly in very unsavory terms. I also drew the rude stares of all the people that didn't actually see the scarf before I took it off. Let me just say I support everyone's right to be who they are. I am apalled that any group of people are so stigmatized and treated so badly. Anyway, that is not who I am. So, anyway, when I left the beach I put back on my scarf and the world's perception of me switched back once again. I don't even know what to make of this. I've lost my hair and my breasts, I went through absolute hell, and now I get to be treated with hostility because my hair is super-short. All summer and maybe beyond. I am covering my head when I go about my daily chores, but remain uncovered at home and I do want sun on my hair to help return to my normal hair color. I don't know what to do. I don't want to yell out to the world I'm a chemo patient. I don't want to wear pink ribbons all over to give idiots a clue. I want to be normal me at the beach without incident. Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? I just want nothing more to do with cancer and identifying myself with it. I want to take off my dang headcovering. Wah!
Comments
-
((((Violet))))
I am so sorry that you have been subjected to this.
I remember the wise words of Diane (BadBoob67), may she rest in peace, when she experienced this type of behavior and told those horrible women they were "only one mammogram away from where she was."
-
Violet,
Well, my goodness you do have mean people living near you!
The two of us are very different people. I didn't mind loosing my hair [it was never well behaved, and I showed it!], have generally considered my body a way to carry around my brain, and live in a very progressive part of the country where being called a dyke isn't an insult. Who cares about our differences, your experiences are yours and yours have not been acceptable.
I mean.... who are these people? Where is it okay to loudly insult someone at a public beach and then talk about sex in front of young children? Where is it okay to stare at someone who is just going about their own business? No where. That is where.
I hope that you can find an interior-strength that allows you to believe that the problem is within these rude people and not you; and in turn gives you 'permission' to go to the beach with or without a scarf. Hey it is summertime and your kids wants to do fun stuff with Mom!
One caution though, be careful of sun! Chemo makes us very sensitive to direct sun and with your history of two cancers, you might want to discuss with your oncologist how much sun is safe. Now go find a festival to enjoy!
Take care,
*susan*
-
Violet,
I too had such pretty hair (I see it in your pic ! ) I think we are at very similar stages in our healing, as I too am more at the "she chose the hairstyle phase" vs. she has cancer. I will sometimes put my scarf on to provide a barrier between myself and wondering stares. I agree, there is more of a gentleness instead of judgement when people see you as a possible cancer patient. I live in in DC, and we are more like San Fran in terms of lesbian and gay residents, and I feel I blend in because we have a strong representation of cultures, sexual orientation etc.. a nice metling pot.
It's amazing to me that people can be so judgemental....yet I am not suprised. Just saddened by it all.
I went to Pride last weekend to support my friends who are gay, and rocked my short hairstyle
But I think it's easier said than done. My thoughts are to do what you have the strength to do...your only obligation is to take care of yourself..As much as I would love to chastise those that try to shame another person, one thought would be to empower yourself. You could bring pamphlets about breast cancer and go over and hand it to them with gentle words to bring a face to this disease. I do wear breast cancer pinds, and intend to do so from hear on out. I have a great T shirt that says "fight like a girl" which my best friend who is gay wore to work in my honor. He was a hit
If you are done with identifying yourself with cancer...then you are close, maybe wear your scarf as more of a headband, with your hair peeking out or pretty tiny barrets, little butterflies/dragonflies, throw on pretty earrings and necklaces, and rock a pretty bohemian look with a long flowy dress (what are they called?) I too am carrying extra weight, and I'm having the most problems with that right now. People like to make sure I am aware of it...so I get that kind of mean, rudeness. That's my current battle.
I can say one thing, one or more of the group that made comments will come out in the next few years...you struck a nerve with someone who deflected their fears on to you.
keep up the spirit!
traci
-
p.s. Traci is right... you did [and will have again] very pretty hair. I should have mentioned that.
:-)
-
Violet. Hugs. You are right where I was last year. I never covered up when I was bald, but almost did at the hostile short hair phase. People only half believe me when I tell of the stares, shoves, stopping in the street to stare or make fun of you. I had the exact same experiences you are describing. I still get loud people at work saying, what is going on with your hair it is different everytime I see you. Insisting I resit for a picture for the work website "because you look so different now." Thanks, I was unaware of that. What is there about hair that brings out such violent emotions in some people? I notice it never happened when I was with DH or a group of friends. Bullies only pick on you when you are alone. I switched hairdressers from the one I had been going to for years because the whole time I was there trying to get some shaping of the mess growing in she went on and on about how ugly it was growing in, too dark and with too much grey. Nice. I'm still mad at myself for being so cowed I actually tipped her like usual when I left. I've resisted any straightening or coloring. Just dont' want any messing with anything, still working too hard to get my old body back. It's grown out some, still obviously in an awkward growing out phase. People think they know what it feels like because they've grown out a short cut. Not the same at all starting back from bald with multiple layers that grow differently as hair follicles come back in (to say nothing about being pounded with Tamoxifen). To say nothing of the curly.
It is hard. Don't know what to tell you except hang in there. It does start growing faster after that first few months. You are almost exactly a year behind me. By the end of August it was still short but past the hostile phase. I never thought it was worth the time to say anything to hostile or rude people. Just pity what it must be like to walk around with that kind of meanness inside you.
-
(((Violet))) I'm shocked and appalled at the behavior of those people! I'm so sorry you had to go through that!
-
About a month after my last chemo, I accompanied my DH to a local home building supply store. I was still trying to find my equilibrium (still looking for it, some 4 years later) and I just slapped a cap on my peach fuzz that was starting to grow in. The door greeter just glanced at me and saw jeans, T-shirt, and ball cap and greeted me as "Sir." I stopped in my tracks and told her that I was not a sir but a woman recovering from chemo for breast cancer. It may have been a little mean of me, but I was just not in the mood to be called "sir" right then.
A month or so later, my DH took me to a local buffet restaurant When my hair started growing in, I'd given up my wig and only wore caps if it was chilly out. This particular day I wasn't wearing a cap. While we were waiting to give our order, I overheard some men at a nearby table talking about my hair. Three of them were staring at me with open hostility. The fourth one, seeing me looking their way, smiled at me and said loudly, "Well, I like it!" Those men left before we got seated, or I'd have gone over and informed the lot of them that I was recovering from chemo and my hairstyle was not of my choosing.
At the same restaurant but on a different visit, I went into the ladies' room. This may have been the same day I got called "sir" because I was wearing the same outfit. As I was washing my hands, another woman came in and got all flustered when she saw me. She just wandered around as if she didn't know what to do with me there and finally went to the sink and started washing her hands. I guess she was waiting for me to leave before doing her "business." I caught her eye in the mirror, glared at her and said tersely, "BREAST CANCER." You could hear an audible thud as her chin hit the floor.
Yes. People can be mean idiots.
-
{{{{{{Hugs back}}}}}}}
kmmd, that is what I'm trying to say: it just amazes me that hair can raise such a response in people. Bald, people think chemo, get a little fuzz in and suddenly you are a political punching bag. I live in Southern California. The two times I've taken my scarf off were in Orange County and in San Diego County. The men were all middle-aged, and, as I mentioned, the others were college-aged. Susan, I agree, nowhere is where these things should occur and I definitely know that the problem is in these people. I wish I were ballsier that way, but I'm sensitive and I also wouldn't like for things to escalate if I'm reactive. The first time I was alone, the second my kids were in the water, so I was sitting there alone at first. I am so, so sorry about the mets. Squidwitch, I've been thinking since this morning when I posted and I think I may get myself a t-shirt to wear while my hair gets long enough to wear a barrette or a pretty headband. I belong to a Unitarian Universalist church; the church is very active in supporting everyone's right to be who they are. The hostility in the energy aimed at me was just astonishing. I think that by August or September my hair will probably be just plain old short hair and I'll be in the process of reconstruction, but, in the meantime, ( I do mean "mean'time, lol) I think I will wear a t-shirt. It also helps explain the ugly lumpy mess of a chest I have going on, I can't find a bathing suit that'll work. The masectomy suits are so expensive. {{{{{Big Hugs}}}}} -
Mrs. Bee, our posts just crossed paths. Isn't it just amazing? I'm sorry any of us have had to go through this. No one writes much about this phase in breast cancer books either. I guess I'm going to have to develop an attitude.
-
Violet, I don't want to suggest this is equal to what you experienced- it's certainly not- but when I hit puberty I got to be a little chubby. I lived in California and loved going to the beach with my family. I sometimes got mean comments, some from adult men, about my weight. I still remember them. I struggled with low self esteem for a long time after that.
It seems like in CA people are a bit meaner if you don't fit that surfer girl ideal. I moved to the east coast, still chubby, and people were much nicer, go figure...
-
Violet,
My hospital gift shop has a t-shirt you might just love.... normal colors [i.e. available in non-pink] with the slogan: "I didn't survive cancer to die of stress."
Would you like me to send it to you? Just let me know what size and PM an address. I will be back at the hospital for my next treatment on July 1. The proceeds of this gift shop are given directly to the oncology department, so I never mind purchasing something from the nice volunteers who run the shop.
Let me know...
*susan*
-
Susan, thank you so much for your kind offer. That is a good slogan to live by, actually it underlines where I should be at with all this. I was so looking forward to this summer with my children, not doing anymore chemo, and knowing that I am here and cancer-free for this summer is a source of serious joy - and who can say if I get to see the next summer or the next - I want to live this up to the fullest. I can't let a few cruel, ignorant people mess up my precious summer. There are also people who are kind no matter what. My mother just ordered me a couple of t-shirts from Komen. I think pink is probably going to be my beach/walking color this summer so I can not have the hostile energy directed at me. But, thank you so much for the offer and for thinking of me. I'm sorry you are back on treatment. My friend's step-mother was Stage 4 breast cancer. They told her there was nothing more they could do for her. Well, that was 15 years ago and she is very active with yoga and gardening, runs a business. Always keep Hope because I hear these stories all the time. Aw, Sparrow, I feel your pain. It's very true: CA peolpe are mean in general when it comes to physical perfection and lack thereof. I'd like to say that it is unbelievable that any grown man would be so cruel to a young girl, but I'm afraid it is believable. And the world's perception really does change the way you are treated, especially in such an image conscious place. I was a size 5 until my early 30s when I had children. The difference between treatment as a size 5 and a size 12 (and a size 14 post-chemo) is astonishing. Add no hair and breasts to the mix lol. You are a pretty woman, Sparrow, and I hope low self-esteem is no longer an issue. I had issues about men's treatment of women based on appearance before, and this just amplifies it tenfold. It makes me distrustful, and I wonder if a man really can love a woman for who she is inside. I'm trying to set all my negative feelings aside now though, and be grateful for the many kindnesses in the world - and I hope to attract more of that and more kind people in the future. I hope to have a lovely summer. Ivorymom, I admire your courage. You must have some stunning bone structure going on to carry off the look, it isn't an easy look to carry off. I am not successfully carrying it off lol. My hair was my best feature. I miss it even more than I miss my breasts. I'm a real mess right now, having gained more weight during chemo (I've got 13 lbs. of it off and I want to continue back down to a size 8 before I do my reconstruction). Last year I had stage 1B1 endocervical cancer, so I had a radical hysterectomy (my cervix, uterus, ovaries, and 1/4 " of my vagina were taken). The way I was cut left an flap of lumpy fat and skin going on. I went into insta-menopause, so I heat up and turn red and sweat - very attractive quality lol. Then, less than a year later, the breast cancer. I had a 23-hour-outpatient bilateral masectomy. I came home and it became evident I was bleeding to death, so back to the hospital for emergency repairs (then they kept me for 2 days). It's all very lumpy too. And although I'm triple negative after the surgery pathology, I was hormone positive for the biopsy, so I'm on Aromasin just in case - so keep those hot flashes coming. I just want to have a good summer without getting treated rudely. You ladies are so very kind {{{{Group Hug}}}}
-
Sorry too for your treatment. And how unfortunate that our lesbian sisters must endure this kind of treatment on a regular basis. I'm sure that they are more prepared to deal with it, but it is wrong and rude just the same.
One of the things that I did when I starting going out commando in my new short hair was to start wearing a pink breast cancer bracelet. I notice that people look at me, then catch a glimpse of the bracelet and figure it out. I've had other women who have very short hair by choice tell me how much they like my hair and that they think it displays self confidence.
I love the comeback above attributed to Diane (BadBoob67), that they were "only one mammogram away from where she was." That is hilarious!
-
I wish I could have been on that beach with you and punched that girl in the face!!!!
I am truly sad and sorry that you had to experience that. I have not struck up the nerve to go out without my scarf and my hair is also very short. I hope that if I am in a similar situation that I will draw upon your experience and stand up to totally ignorant people like that.
Sending you a BIG HUG!!!!
-
Violet, you are such a sweet wonderful woman. I am about one year ahead of you and much older. You had me reminesce about last summer. My last chemo was 3/2009. By summer time (and I live in Florida) it was hot and I really just didn't care anymore. I stopped wearing scarves to work (didn't like a wig) and as my hair grew back, I just let it show. Mine was very gray when prior to that, I had it colored blonde. I was just so glad to have hair, I didn't care. I also have completed all reconstruction since, but had my tissue expanders in at the time.
We are not called survivors for being wimps. I don't know of any man who could survive what we do. We have battle wounds to prove it. I wore pink almost completely until this summer. When/if I got stupid comments, I loudly reminded whomever said it that if they would like to go through losing their breasts, taking poison, losing their hair and then having new breasts made, I would be all for that for them. You have a right to speak up, you've been through battle. At the beach, it actually would have been funny to hear you yell back, "Yeah, I didn't know that either, but I guess they let us who have been through breast cancer and chemo come here." Would have shut them up pretty quickly and even maybe given you an apology. But remember, most people are so self-absorbed, what may seem like they are looking or saying something may have nothing to do with us. Take care of yourself and your children. Find a new freedom to say what you think when it is needed. You've earned that.
Today, I went grocery shopping with a top that has a built in shelf bra. My scars from under my arms showed. I've not gone out like that at all since having all this. I noticed some looking at them, I didn't let it bother me. I've been through battle and these are my scars. I wear them with pride. I'm alive and healthy today. You hang in there girl, you are a wonderful strong woman.
-
meg8000. I agree, makes me very sad to think about what our lesbian sisters must go through. It was actually a lesbian friend of mine who pointed out to me that the reason I was getting such a hostile reaction was that people were assuming I was gay.
Sparrow, what you had to say just broke my heart.
Violet, the title of the thread actually says it all. why are some people so mean.
-
Violet,
You sound stronger and determined to have a fun summer. Knock it out of the park! Your kids are mighty lucky to have such a wonderful Mom. Let us know what you guys do together.
All the best,
*susan*
-
Many of us think we live in a progressive society because we "pass" by societal standards. I have "normal" hair, "normal" clothes, figure, etc. But many of my closest are lesbian, and they live this every day. I was once at a beach where a man threw a rock at my friend's head, screaming "ugly dyke!"
Unfortunately, society has a long way to go. But there are always cool people along the way, like the gal who told a person here that she looked beautiful bald. As women, we tend to remember the bad, and not the good!
-
Meg, Your silver hair is very pretty. Mine is coming in a nondescript ash blonde, which is why I want to "go topless" (w/o headcovering), to add some gold. I'm going to go pink for the time being. I guess it's not over until you can not worry about being beaten in a parking lot. I agree with the general consensus. This really highlights what lesbians must have to endure on a daily basis. It is so wrong. I knew there was hate out there, but I never would have guessed that it is so extreme. RegulJ, thank you for the hug and the punching sentiments
I hope I can store up a few comebacks just in case some cruelty gets past the pink t-shirts. It just takes you so by surprise. Thank you, Mary! You are a wonderful woman as well! The other day I spoke about distancing myself from the whole cancer experience, but I am seeing why the pink army is so militant, and how we are all sisters and a supportive community. I feel stronger, Susan, thanks to you guys! MHP70 - unbelievable, the treatment one human will inflict on another. As I was saying, I looked ultra-feminine before this. I had long hair and 36 DDs. My daughter took my avatar pic just before chemo. It's one of my last "Hair Days". Months later, I'm the same person on the inside, yet I'm treated so differently, w and w/o a scarf. I know quite a few lesbians and gay men, but my closest friends are heterosexual. So, I had no idea that it was this bad. It is absolutely unacceptable. I have definitely experienced the kindest of the kind during this process, as well. I am trying to focus on that. I have met some of the sweetest people through this all. You are so right, Meg. You guys are all such beautiful souls! -
Violet.... I am having a bc.org binge day (not very often I can scan through posts like this with 2 teenage boys wanting the computer....hence binge!) When I read your posts (I've seen them on other threads) I feel like I can palpate your pain! I lived in Pasadena until 6 years ago, when we got out and moved to an island. I was blonde too. My new hair is dark. It is amazing to me, how many people comment on this, asking me if I will "get rid" of the luxurious brown steaked with gray. These are all people from my "old life." It's weird, because I look at all of the photos of my past, and am shocked to see the "new" photos since my hair has been back. I was blonde...really a long haired surfer girl. Now I am a darker Pacific NW Island girl. I also could not wear a wig.... pretty much was bald, or wore beanies during chemo. Hair does grow....and it changes....and you can always change it back. You are so dear, and sweet. And we all live with so much fear. Do with your short crop of hair what makes you feel good. Find a good colorist. Loreal now makes a hair color without amonia. Try that...... if it makes you feel better, that's what it is all about!!!!! You won't believe how fast the hair grows!!!!!!
Big hugs,
Daff
-
Hugs in return Daffodil (I love your nom de bloom lol). It's wonderful you got a color you like: luxurious brown sounds very pretty. I got an ash colorless color. I'm going to try to lighten it in the sun, then I may look into color. I need to go with blonde as my eyebrows and eyelashes are blonde and I'm superfair, even the ash washes me out. The islands up off of WA are beautiful. I've never been, but I've seen pix. Wasn't "Practical Magic" filmed up there? People can be weird about hair. I have experienced a bit of weirdness from family members concerning color and length in the past, like my father has a weird fixation on my hair. He told me in the past to never cut it and likes to describe me as a blonde Scandinavian. I can always hear him "And it's NATURAL". I'm sure I'm a big let down now lol. He averted his eyes when I took my cap off to show my step-mother that my hair is growing back. My 11-year-old daughter is just a doll, though. Last night she said, "I think your hair is cute. It looks like you have a baby's head. You're my cute baby." I'm sure by the end of the summer my hair will be long enough to stick in a pretty clip or something and in the fall I'm going to get reconstructed, and this will be in the past. But, really, the new girls will be enduring this nonsense. There should be a t-shirt that says, "I was not going for this look." {{{Hugs}}}
-
How about reminding these idiots that God has a great sense of humor and he does do paybacks.
-
Definitely. I need to get quicker with the comebacks.
-
Meanness and compliments. My experience was devastating. About 2 weeks after my followup breast cancer surgery, I ventured outside for the first time. My chest and arms were quite painful. There was no way I could wear a brassiere. I took my dog out for a walk at a local mini-mall, Sunday morning, 6 AM, when I expected to see no one. I am 59 years old and slightly overweight, with large breasts (breast & 2/3).
A woman, dressed up in her Sunday best, coiffed, nice suit, etc. crossed my path. She started shouting at me from several dozen yards away "You are disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself." She was referring to the fact that my breasts were bouncing in my loose fitting sweatshirt. She thought it was obscene. As she got closer, I shouted back that I had just had breast cancer surgery. She said "So what, I don't care. Go home and put a bra on. You look disgusting." I went home and cried for hours, the next day also. And I did not leave the house again until I could comfortably wear a bra. People are cruel, they judge on looks or expected behavior.
On the plus side, I always had unmanageable, thin, limp, straight as a board, baby fine hair that was graying. When it fell out and came back in the 1st time it was platinum blonde and curly. I brushed it out into wavelets. While waiting in line to pick up a prescription, I received several compliments about how beautiful, silky, wavy my hair was, who was my stylist. One gentleman complimented on my "perm". Oh, and by the way, while I was wearing hats, no one ever said anything or even stared at me. Also, my hair color changed with the chemo: AC gave me platinum. Taxol made half my platinum turn jet black, a strikingly overall silver gray effect. Gemzar made my nape/back hair turned auburn. My natural color was dark brown (mostly). Then I had 6 months of platinum white/jet black on top and sides, auburn/reddish brown in back, then my natural dark brown started coming in every where else. Time for Lady Clairol! BTW, I promised myself that I would never complain about my hair quality again, if it just came back in, and I haven't.
-
Aw, Janice, I'm so sorry! What a nasty woman! I'd like to see her after breast cancer. I'm glad you got some good hair colors going on lol. It's really amazing to observe people's reactions when you are wearing a scarf or hat versus when you go without and your hair is completely gone or in the process of coming back.
-
I'm SO SORRY you had these experiences! Honestly, there must be a huge disconnect in manners in some parts of the country. I not only never drew a stare when I had my scarves on, nobody ever seemed to notice when I took them off. Like you, I couldn't wait to do it and when it was about 1/4 inch, I threw them away.
I don't think I turned a head, not one time during chemo. No herds protecting me and nobody making fun of me. I work in a middle school too - even the kids didn't remark.
I didn't want to lose my hair but it wasn't devastating. It's grown back silver (I'd been dying it auburn for so many years I had no idea it was that color) and I'm surprised, but I kind of like it.
Tomorrow I find out if cancer is in my other breast. I would prefer not to do this chemo thing again but will if I have to. I'm glad I don't live where you do!
-
Maybe not having any breasts adds to the effect. I'm not only flat, but sunken in on one side. You look very nice with practically no hair, more like Jamie Lee Curtis or something. I do not. I think the closer you get to Los Angeles the meaner people get where appearance is concerned. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. It's crazy to think that cancer could grow in the other breast while you are still in practically in treatment. I'm crossing my fingers for a good report.
-
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. People can be so mean. During chemo, in the warmer months I chose to go bald. I got stares everywhere I went, but no one said anything directly to me. Depending on what mood I was in, sometimes i'd smile at them but mostly I'd stare at them right back.
the meanest thing anyone did to me was a Wal-mart. during chemo, I was bald, wore a mask to prevent catching a bug and was wheeling around in one of their motorized carts because I was so weak. This man and woman passed me a couple of times going the other way in the aisles. I'd stop on the side of the aisle and patiently let people pass me if there was not enough room for me to go through. In another isle, I passed them again and the man stopped and berated me for blocking the aisle. And sarcastically yelled at me that I was good at getting in everyone's way. I was not nice in my response. I couldn't believe someone would do that to a stranger who was so obviously sick. I spat back that I didn't care what the ____ he thought and told him to get away from me. Then I turned my head from him. They walked off in disgust and smirked at each other when I looked back at them. . I started shaking I was so mad. I just sat there til I calmed down and then finished my shopping. It's something I'll never forget. It taut me their are very mean people in this world. Thankfully most people are not like them.
Deb
-
Aw, Debbie, you should have run them down with the cart. It's astounding. I'm so sorry. The level of rudeness in society is amazing. What even happened to common courtesy? What happened to gentlemen? I went for a walk last night at the harbor with my children (w/o a scarf) and observed behavior as I went along. There were a lot of kind people who are just plain kind people. Of course, people who don't notice others around them, which is fine, and people that stare and snicker. I've found no that middle-aged men are the worse and the most obviously rude. One eyed me up and down and rolled his eyes. Anyway, by the time it was time to go home I felt like crying. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Out of the 100s of people I encountered yesterday there was maybe a dozen people that were rude or snickered or whatever. I know I should focus on the good people. When I go for a walk next time I'm going to wear a pink ribbon t-shirt in lieu of wearing a t-shirt that says "I've just been through hell, lost my breasts, lost my hair, may still lose my life, I did not chose this look, I did not get in a fight with a scissors and lose, how about you don't stare and snicker and let me enjoy the sun on my head and the beautiful evening, I'm so tired of scarves and I just want to put this behind me, let me, ok?" I know this will pass and I'll soon have normal short hair and I'll be reconstructed and these same people won't even see me, I'll be a typical suburban mom again. But I know what I've seen in a cross-section of the population and it's ugly and sad. {{{{Hugs to you, Debbie}}}}
-
Violet, ((((Hugs)))). Thanks. I, too, think that middle aged men are the worse. Both bad experiences I had during chemo were from older men. Why is that? I wonder.
In the other incident, I work for a periodontist, in the front office. I chose to wear a scarf on my head cuz it was cold that day. The one and only time I tried a scarf. This guy came to my desk to check out from having his teeth cleaned. He saw me and spouted out, "What is this? Middle East day, or something?" I sat there stunned, as the hygeinist explained to him that I had breast cancer and undergoing chemo. You should have seen his face. He had the look of horror that he'd just inserted his own foot in his mouth. I never wore a scarf again.
I hated having anything on my head in the warmer months. I live in Biloxi, Mississippi and it gets HOT. Even in the springtime. I'm out of the norm, I think, but never once did I wear a wig. I never even got one. A good friend let me borrow one, but I never did put it on. besides the 2 really bad experiences, I had several good encounters. Alot of people kept telling me my bald head was beautiful and that I had a beautiful shaped head. It did make me feel alittle brighter, although I knew they were only being polite and I didn't look beautiful. lol. For me, the stares I got affected me differently, depending on what kind of mood I was in. They were always uncomfortable, but sometimes I hated being the center of everyone's attention as I walked into a room. I just wanted to blend with everyone else. Other times, I held my head up high, and thought: yeah, look at me! I have cancer and I'm battling it! -kind of attitude. It was like an emotional roller coaster ride.
And yes, I should have mowed those Wal-mart patrons down! Flat as a pancake, and than go, "oops". lol
Take care,
Deb
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team