Why are some people so mean?

violet7

I think there is a cross-section on self-righteous middle-aged males who think deep down that women exist to be attractive and fit their expectations.  I feel sorry for their wives, especially when they get cancer and lose their looks for awhile.  This sort of cruelty is the last thing that we need while we are just trying to get back on our feet and enjoy our days.  I have found that middle-aged women are the absolute kindest.  I, too, have met with a lot of unexpected kindnesses.   know I ought to focus on those interactions, because there has been more kindness than cruelty.  The 16th I conducted an experiment and went for a walk with my kids at the harbor in a Komen ribbon pink jersey and the reception was different.  I did not want to go this route.  I wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened.  Pink reminded me of the medical torture process, but the other day I can see where pink is an armour and makes you feel like you have the pink army behind you.  So, I guess this is what I'll do for the next couple of months - fly that pink flag - until I have normal short hair. 

blissidbee

so my hair is finally coming back - the clumps are gone...it's about half an inch long all around...was feeling really good about it..have started to go out without the scarf or the wig or the hat..it's all so hot and phony...first day at the supermarket w/o a headcover...what relief...but i get yelled at by a woman because i didn't smile at her when she nearly ran into my cart, and at check out, her daughter kept pointing at me and loudly saying 'mommy, is she a boy? mommy, is she a boy?' the mother just looked at me. i finally had to tell the child no, i am a cancer survivor...then burst into tears...nothing from the mother. NOTHING..i don't know why this, out of so many other misunderstandings, has touched me so deeply...maybe because if i had been lucky enough to have a child...

i beg god every day for help..for compassion...for me and for you, my sisters in the struggle. please help us be strong. please help us get through this. please don't forsake us. we need love too. in the midst of this descent into a world no-one should have to visit, i pray for myself and all of you, that we might become more blessed among women, not more cursed.

Shrek4

I think I would have asked the child, out loud, "are you an idiot?" and just wait for the mother to reply... but then I am very waspish.

violet7

Aw, Seeka, I feel your pain.  I hope the mother of the child went about her day and took it all in and has become more compassionate.  And Day, I wish I could get up more waspishness, I still can't believe it when it happens and I think of something to say after.  Usually, anyway.  My hair is still freakishly short apparently, because I'm still getting the looks with the snickers unless I'm cloaked in protective gear (i.e. a pink ribbon tshirt), then there are looks, but deadly serious ones and often hugs from other survivors or their family members.  Some days I wake up feeling good about my appearance and head out into the world in a nice outfit and a pretty pair of earrings only to be utterly defeated by the end of the day, unless I'm sporting the breast cancer poster child look.  I really, really can't wait to hit "normal" short hair here and put this behind me.  And get my breast recon.  My hair grows so dang slowly.  Oh, good news, though, the color is looking closer to my pre-chemo color the longer it gets.  Hugs to you both.

Shrek4

I already have in place what attire I will be wearing when the hair starts growing a little bit - long flowing skirts and blouses, kind of robe-like. Nice make-up and big ear-hoops. And a face that will say "and you are......?"

Can't wait. It's been a long time since I've stared people down.

mumito

Wow I can't believe these stories how can people be so rude?  I traveled extensivly right through chemo.My hair all fell out while I was on a mediteranian cruise. I bought a scarf in greece and wore it at night to dinner.Most people commented on my making a fashion statement.I guess I was lucky to never get a rude comment or a gawking stare.

BrokenHeart

Girls, I think some people are just born mean, unkind and cruel.  It seems to make them feel better by putting others down.  I have a condition that sometimes I 'appear' drunk with, and have had some horrid things said to me.  I tend to think 'well at least now there is a quick way to find out who has a heart'.  Sad how many people don't.

RegulJ

Stared down an old lady in the grocery store the other day. I was heading toward the checkout and she was in the main asile just looking at me (I have hair but it is very short) so I just kept staring back, and as I passed and looked over my shoulder there she is still staring and then she just "happens" to get in the checkout line right behind me.

She never said anything but I could just feel her looking at me. UGH

violet7

Madalyn and Day and Regul:  I love your innate confidence.  Love it.  I am truly trying to get to that space.  I love your avatar pic< Madalyn   Mumayan, when I wear a scarf people are particularly kind to me.  It's like wearing sky-writing that says "I have cancer" and people - even mean people - are sympathetic.  But try going out with 1/2" of hair and no breasts and the game changes.  Suddenly you are making a political statement that a surprising amount of people take offense to.  Or they just plain don't like bad haircuts.  I've encountered a lot of kindness as well, and I should focus on that.  It definitely does show who is kind and who is an ahole pretty quickly.  {{{{Hugs}}}} BrokenHeart, that's just so wrong.

chumfry

Wow! It's amazing what some of you have had to put up with! I've been bald twice and I can't remember anyone treating me like that. Maybe it's because I live in Minnesota (where everyone is "nice") (ha-ha), or maybe it's because I live in the same town as the Mayo Clinic so people are more used to seeing sick people.

I got called "Sir" a couple of times but that happens to me even when I'm not bald! LOL (I'm 5'10" and carry an extra 50 pounds. And I wear no makeup.) In my ignorance, Violet, I would have guessed that someone as petite and beautiful as you would have no issues like this.

I do remember hating that battleship gray color that came in first. Actually, there was maybe a quarter inch of white, silky peach fuzz that was followed by maybe a half-inch of pencil-lead gray. After that, my hair came in the same color as it was before, brown with silver sprinkles.

I'm glad to hear that your normal color looks like it's coming back, Violet. Can you tell if it's getting curly? That seemed to help make it look less like "little-boy hair." I went to my hairdresser during my "little-boy hair" phase and she trimmed it up a bit to make it look more "on-purpose" instead of "tragic accident." <grin> Sculpting gel helped a bit, too.

Hang in there, girls! It *does* get better. But I do wish I'd been there at that beach, Violet; and at Walmart with you, Debbie. I would have punched those ignorant jerks in the head. (Sez the tall, hefty farm girl.)

Janeluvsdogs

Take comfort in the fact that your hair will grow back but they will be stupid forever.

skmarm

I, too, was devastated by losing my hair with chemo.  I have always had a rather public position in our community (and at times, controversial) and I did not want this very private battle to become public also.  I have dutifully and faithfully worn my wig, despite outrageous heat...

Without going into all the details, I had an altercation with a community member who would not let my car pass through a community festival to get to my home (and I had a festival parking pass prominently displayed for that purpose).  It was unseasonably hot, I was going through chemo and had run to the pharmacy for Immodium for severe diarhea.  He wanted me to go back and park in the parking lot and walk (about 1/3 mile) and refused even when I told him that I was very sick and just needed to get to my bathroom (in my house, about 30 feet away).  He did not believe I was sick (asking "where is your handicap sticker?") and in desperation, I pulled off my wig to display my bald head and informed him that I wasn't handicapped - I was a chemo patient.  Then I lost control of my bowels - in front of him and others who had gathered to watch - parked my car and walked the rest of the way to my home. 

As if that wasn't humiliating enough, he has made a public issue out of it and I find myself defending myself - even to my employer (who is a wonderful person, let me add - he just needed to know the truth of what happened from my lips).  Wouldn't you think that anyone who caused such anguish for a cancer patient would have kept his mouth shut about it???  I certainly didn't tell anyone about it.

There is no law that says I have to wear my wig while bald.  When did the sight of a bald woman - tall, short, thin, heavy, older or younger - become officially "offensive"?  There are enough indignities to cancer - it is too bad that mean spirited people must create more. 

skmarm

P.S.  Ironically, the man who was so offensive is short, overweight...and bald.  He needs to watch out...because there is a God...and she has a wonderful sense of humor!

Shrek4

skmarm... I would have run him over. No joke.

skmarm

Run over him!  Why didn't I think of that?  Must be that chemo brain thing I've got going on, but that would certainly have been the thing to do!

What is so surprising to me is why I feel the need to be apologetic for my act of "shocking" everyone by whipping off my wig.   Apparently, that was viewed by bystanders asan "unnecessarily shocking" act.  Are they kidding me?  Shooting radioactive dye into breasts that nursed my children, pouring poison into my veins...having green fingernails...having NO fingernails (or eyebrows or eyelashes)...a constant bloody nose...diarrhea for 3 months...pumping more radiation into my breast in one afternoon than most people do in their lifetime...if they want to be shocked, be shocked about what people have to do to fight cancer.  Then maybe they would add their voices to the call for better and more effective treatments...instead of hurting our sisters with their hurtful words.

Sorry....I just don't think heart patients ever feel the need to apologize for having heart disease, like we feel for having breast cancer.  My bad attitude is what happens when you wear a wig in 105 degree heat!!!!!

Shrek4

....that's exactly why I said I would have run him over. Of course, with the car in low gear, to give him time to step aside if he so wished (lol), but kept going until I'd have gotten home. I got to the point (well I wasn't far before to be honest rofl) where I care about me first, others after.

Edit: just been talking with my boyfriend about this whole thing. You should sue the crap out of him for extreme mental anguish, public humiliation, and everything you can come up with until you destroyhis life...... At the point the things had happened you could have called a cop and have him arrested for what he was doin. Jaywalking being one of the things.

friscosmom

violet - thank you SO much for starting this thread. I started going out "topless" in early June. I never went bald, I just couldn't do it, but when summer hit in Texas I just couldn't stand the wig any more. As soon as all the bare spots filled in on my head I started going out in public with no wig, I had about 1/2 inch of stark white hair on my head (it's about an inch and a half now and still white!). My very first outing was to Walmart, I put on my makeup and a pretty set of earrings and felt pretty good about myself, all things considered. Though I expected to get some looks I was not at all prepared for the number of rude/offensive people I encountered. I was started at, pointed at, and two different people make "freak" comments sort-of under their breath. I was so uncomfortable but was determined to finish my shopping. I continued through the store avoiding eye contact with anyone and when I got back to my truck I just broke down in tears.

When I told my family and friends about my experience they assured me that I was just feeling sensitive and that surely anyone with a brain would know that someone with hair like mine was a cancer patient. Well... I think the key to that logic was that these idiots clearly didn't have brains. It was only after my husband was with me when an acquaintance asked me why I decided to do that (as she pointed at my hair); that he realized that people don't automatically know that my hair "style" is not a choice.

I continued to go out in public even after that really bad first experience and the stares and comments have continued though I do get the occassional very nice comment; like the convenience store clerk last weekend that told me how much she loved my hair and wished she could pull something like that off.

I was still wearing my wig to work up until about two weeks ago. The very first day I went in without the wig I was sitting in a meeting and one of my co-workers that I have worked very closely with for the last 12 years walked in, reached her hand out and introduced herself to me. I was initially taken aback but quickly recovered, reached my hand out and introduced myself. She just about hit the floor and I'm sure was completely mortified but the whole room had quite a good laugh and it ended up being a very funny ice breaker.

I wish I had the nerve to say the things I would like to say to those that stare, roll their eyes or otherwise are rude. I guess I sort of did just once when three teen boys were passing me in a mall and one pointed me out to his buddies and busted out laughing. I just gave him a very nasty look and said "really?". I doubt that even registered with him but it did make me feel just the tinest bit better.

Thanks again for this thread. I hate that others are going through the same thing but, as with everything else with this nasty disease, its sort-of comforting to know I am not alone and there are others that understand what I'm going through.

violet7

Hi Chumfry!  It's good to see you again!  Alas, I'm not a petite girl, I'm a formerly curvy size 12 girl.  Without breasts, I'm a hippy girl lol.  I like that "brown w/ silver sprinkles".  I can't tell if my hair is gettimg curly or not.  The back wants to veer off at an odd angle, but individual hairs are matchstick straight.  It's seems very thin, though.  I hope it thickens up.  Skmarm, that is UNbelievable!  I am so sorry.  How ignorant!  I'd love to add another set of tiretracks to you girls' handiwork.  Madalyn, absolutely, I realize that a good portion of this treatment is gay-bashing.  I absolutely support everyone's right to be themselves, and I was aware of some of the things that gay people have to contend with, but the true extent of it is amazing to me.  Some of it is "You look funny."  But, yes.  I am actually a little afraid of being beaten in parking lot for having "butch" hair and the nerve to go around without breasts.  I know that my hair will eventually grow where these ignorant. perpetually stupid people won't inadvertently confuse me with their targeted group, but I will never forget how incredibly cruel a percentage of the population are to people who don't fit their mold, and especially to women who don't look the way society tells them to look.  Friscosmom,  {{{Pink Hugs}}} to you.  I, too, have cried in my car after a couple of these incidents.  I was thinking that TV and movies really aren't doing cancer patients any favor.  They portray the chemo patient as bald - ok, easy for the common folk to get:  bald=chemo=cancer and with scarves and beanies, etc.  Again = cancer.  Then, suddenly the TV/movie chemo patient takes off the head covering and has a cute little "edgy" haircut that's several inches long.  I was in the mall recently and a few feet away from me there was a huge advertisement for the children's hospital with a bald child w/leukemia on it and I got a funny look right there in the vicinity of this poster.  I'm amazed by everyone's stories here (and Minnesota sounds like a very civilized place lol, that is beautiful).  I want to cultivate a tougher attitude.  I keep telling myself I'm going to go around with a "cut-you-up" kind of attitude, and when confronted with ignorance be like "don't EVEN mess with me" and rip my shirt open and go, "This is the last knife fight I was in!  Wanna piece of this mo-fo!!!!"  But I just wind up crying all the way home instead lol.  Thank you all for being so wonderful.  As Jane says, our hair will grow back, and they'll still be stupid.  It must be an awful little, narrow world those people live in.  I'm trying to feel sorry for them instead of victimized.

violet7

Skmarm,  You really ought to sue.  And maybe consider writing an article to your local paper, especially since you have a prominent place in the community.  Maybe relay your story to the Susan Komen organization and get the pink mafia after that little squat. I told a couple of friends about what happened to you and they are also apalled.  It is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS (and I doon't just go around capitalizing my letters for nothing lol).  {{{{{Great big hugs}}}}} to you.