Feeling BLUE...........

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jenn3
jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I have the personality of handle the situation you're in, don't feel sorry for yourself and laugh if you can.  Strangely enough I have managed to get through all of this w/o anxiety or depression medications, no sleep aids other than benadryl and with my head held high, laughing, joking and taking it as it comes.  I have had some bad days, but that was it, just a few bad days and I can usually bounce back. However, I've think somewhere lurking under all of my strong exterior and joking are some really pent up emotions.  I find that I've become overly sensitive to comments made to me about my hair growing, surgeries or progress.  Today while having a follow up MRI for an ongoing back problem rather than just laying there as I usually do thinking about what I'll do that day or working out thoughts I had these terrible visions of little cancer cells invading my body,  my heart started to beat fast and I started breathing really fast.  Thank goodness I was pulled out before I had a full blown panic attack.   I've noticed I'm becoming teary eyed at little things and nervous about my upcoming 1 year cancerversary. I normally have no problem talking about what I've been through and the importance of self exams as well as mammograms.  But lately, I just don't want to talk about, hear the word cancer or references to what I've been through.  The closer I get to my 1 yr cancerversary -I feel like I'm trying to run away - escape it as if it never happened. 

None of my family, friends or co-workers know I'm feeling blah!!!  They think I'm fine, continue to want to talk about "it", comment on my hair, consults with various recon drs, etc.  On the outside I guess I appear fine, but on the inside I'm a mess. I know I'll get through this we all do..............but, I feel as if I should be happier as I near the one year mark.  Instead I'm feeling blue...................

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited May 2010

    i hear you Jenn

    floatin down d'nile.  that works for me. 

     I REALLY don't like to think of such things.  still, I'd rather be where I am than suddenly exploded in a plane without forethought or planning.

    i need to maintain appearances.  my husband indicates that he wants to cry and dissolve into tears in a 'group of two' hug.. no thanks.  i need to get out of this spiral of sadness.. time usually works.. a few days of work, exercise and laughter and should be back to normal, cheerfully supporting my fam and getting things done in spite of things.. 

    i just have to constantly redefine normal i guess.

    good luck jenn

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  • coonie
    coonie Member Posts: 7,618
    edited May 2010

    (((Jenn)))

    Seems like I've had those "blue" feelings more in the last two years than I EVER had in my whole life. Our bodies have gone through so much.......with hormones (or lack of), surgeries, poison in our body, etc. I don't think ANYBODY could get through this experience without the blues. Just hang in there and know you're not alone in these feelings. Alot of us use meds for moods/depression and that helps alot, but sometimes nothing helps.  Like Apple said.....we have to realize we have a new "normal".....sorry:(

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  • Beanius
    Beanius Member Posts: 1,697
    edited May 2010

    jenn - thanks for your posting. I think the follow up MRI and one year will bring up a lot of feelings, and a whole range of emotion would be totally normal. I just had my two month anniv of finding out I have bc and still have many decisions and tx's to go. I think of how I'll feel down the road and I can so relate to the vision you had while you were in the MRI. Sometimes these thoughts get me down and I let the tears come out. That seems to make way for a more positive mood again. It comes in waves every day. I also find that going for a walk helps. I go to the beach and just walk and cry and talk to God. As apple says I have to constantly redefine normal...

    I so wish the best for you and that the blah feelings will subside again. I just hate to see you feel badly, but I totally understand. I think, follow your feelings and if you need time to not talk about it don't, and if you need to let some tears out then do. I get tired of talking with family about it too. I get into a good frame of mind, or into a good funny movie, my mind totally off it, and then someone will call and want to talk about it and I find I need to set limits so I get enough "time off."

    Thanks again for your post and I soooooo hope you will feel better soon.

    With all best wishes,

    Beanius

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  • gillyone
    gillyone Member Posts: 1,727
    edited May 2010

    Oh Jenn!!!!! So sorry you are feeling like this. I have been with you on this journey since you started the August chemo thread. We have all been through such a lot. And we all understand. Other people behave as if we should be back to normal by now, but the pre-cancer normal is gone. I recently re-connected with a friend after 13 years and discovered she, too, had breast cancer, diagnosed 2008. She still thinks about it often. I guess we have to get used to the new us. On the bright side, I do think about it less than when first diagnosed. Small steps!!!

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  • clariceak
    clariceak Member Posts: 752
    edited May 2010

    Wow, That's exactly how I feel.  Most of the time I do feel strong and use humor to get through, but I think I've only cried a few times since I was dxed.  I thought about attending a support group meeting (even through I 'm not a people person) but always backed out and I believe I was afraid of the strong emotions it might unleash.

    I recently read a study that was warning onc nurses to look out for depression in patients.  Of  course, it was the typical "flat effect" but then one of nurses said that cheerful patients made her nervous and should be looked at closely,  I thought about all the times I bounced into rad treatment, excited to tell someone about the next hike I was going on. But there was the day when totally broke down before having to go to the infusion center to have my port flushed. 

    If you're like me, I don't think you're depressed but we may be avoiding dealing with the underlying emotions beneath the positive exterior.  I may have to devote a night to watching "Terms of Endearment". 

    I would prefer not to think about my cancerversary.  I don't even know what day I was dxed.  I remember my sister saying it would be easy to remember because of blah blah.  Why would I want to remember. As we regain our strength and our hair grows, it is tempting to behave as though this was just a bad dream.  But just think.  In a few years, your anniversary will just be a time to visit the boards and encourage the newbies with how far you've come.

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  • Susie123
    Susie123 Member Posts: 804
    edited May 2010

    I've had a blue weekend too. I've actually cried some, for seemingly no reason and that's just not normal for me. I don't know if it's lack of hormones or one of those dark times when possible recurrence is on my mind. I had my first routine (3 month) onco appointment Thursday and he said my tumor markers are about as low as he has ever seen. But then he went on to tell me my liver enzymes are high. I don't drink at all, so naturally my mind goes to mets. I go back in a month to have the liver enzymes checked again. Wouldn't it be great if we could just put all this behind us and move on to a normal life. You think you're feeling really good, and then out of nowhere, you're sitting here crying. I'm just grateful that the feeling really good times are actually most of the time. I hope yours are too..

    Susie

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited May 2010

    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in these feelings and I'm sorry for all of you that are having a tough time as well.  ((((HUGS))) to you!

    I think part of what is happening is I just want to be done with it - I am so tired of talking about how curly and long my hair is getting, when am I planning on recon (yes people ask this question), how am I feeling and so on.  I want to just wake up feel good, go to work, do my job, come home and have that one day happen without the "C" word.  But....... it doesn't, there is always someone who wants to talk, if not about me about someone else. 

    The upside of today is after my post I remembered I made plans with my older daughter to see how she's decorated her place (new furniture) and lunch.  So.... I saw the new furniture and how well she's decorated, then we went for a walk along Magazine St and had lunch.  It was nice to sit and talk with her, just the two of us. 

    I guess the anniversary of "the date" is what has me feeling upside down. 

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited May 2010

    Jenn, I had a terrible time in the lead up to "the date" last year. I was Dx 3 days before Halloween and then both my kids had their B'days, then it was Christmas. So, in all the preparation for all these events I was constantly reminded of the year before. It was awful.

    Good news is, the day came and went and once it was behind me I felt so much better. Subsequent anniversaries have not produced the same anxiety.  So, hang in there. Distract yourself by doing things that make you happy, like you did with your daughter today. Better times are ahead!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2010
    Jenn,  I can sure relate  -  please get help.  I know that you're in a  low place and getting the right help is so important - in addition to getting the medications that help you to feel better, talking about what has brought you to this place will help. Although it seems hard right now and the moutain you're climbing seems too high.  You can and will get through this.  (((HUGS)))).imageBarb
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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited June 2010

    It's ok to feel the way you feel. There will be good days, there will be bads days. Soon there will be way more good days then bad days and even before cancer we had bad days. The good news is your 1 year out and doing really good!

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited June 2010

    Hi Jenn,

    Boy do I know what you mean!  I just finished rads last week and it's so weird to look at the road ahead and getting life back to "normal" whatever that is.  Sometimes when I'm asleep I forget about the cancer, and then I'll wake up and think to myself s#$t, I have (HAD---hopefully) cancer.  It's so weird.  I even dream of my hair being long again, and then I wake up and look in the mirror and it all comes back again.  BLAH!  And I know people mean well, but they do sometimes say things that irk me.   Seems to me that everything you are feeling is totally normal.  It's almost like PTSD---you've been at war, and it's gotta come out somewhere!  Glad you could come to us to vent. 

    Hope you are feeling better soon.

    Love,

    Sharon

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited June 2010

    hi jenn

    keep coming here and venting...expressing your feelings is just so important.  aftercare...and after the trauma of Dx...treatment....etc....it is just all so hard. i remember keeping a positive outlook during all the "stuff" we do....and then when finished....i was really stressed.  it is kinda like falling into a hole....and wondering when you will hit the bottom.  there is no clear cut way to feel during all of this....from 1 year out...to 3 years out...to 5....to 8...to 10.  i think we "adjust" and continue to live our lives the best we can.

     be kind to yourself.  just be where you are....you are doing great. 

    diana50

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited June 2010

    Thanks to all of you for your support.

    For whatever reason the anniversary of the date seems to be looming overhead, which has caught me off guard because I thought I had been handling it well. I guess now that I'm my life is not revolving around treatment and coming back to "normal" I'm struggling to find the old/new me.........

    I am staying busy. Over the three day weekend we went to a ball game, a friends house on the river and a boat ride, dinner out, errands and always fun - cleaning closets. 

    Hope everyone is having a good week and again thank you.

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited June 2010

    Hi Jenn - I don't have anything really to add.  I am just thankful that you posted as I too am going through a particularly tough time.  Their advice also helped me.  This whole bc crap just takes over when you least expect it too it seems.  I am setting some goals for June which typically help me get out of my funk.  I had some further reconstruction surgery last week and I think the anesthetic messed my head up and maybe it just brought things down from the closet so to speak.  Not sure.  Keep doing things you enjoy.  And, thanks for posting!!

    Hugs,

    Bev

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