Mother-in-Law refuses to be diagnosed, now what?

I feel for your Father-in-Law, it seems he is desparate to get his wife to seek help, but you can't force someone to go to the doctor. My father resisted doctors for way too long when his "chest infection" kept on not getting better despite repeated antibiotoics, because he just knew he would be told to quit smoking. By the time he was admitted as an emergency with obstructed bowel due to build up of ascites fluid, he already had secondaries to liver and brain, and he was dead within six months. He didn't want any aggressive treatment. If he had been diagnosed earlier, he might have just had more years of endless hospital visits and worry, so who am I to judge what he chose?  I don't say that to frighten you, more to show that actually it's her body and she must be so so frightened. i don't think you are absolutely entitled to any information if she doesn't want to share it, but equally your poor father-in-law is in need of so much support in his awful position. And also your wife and her brothers.

Do you think she would consider non-western medicine, and if her condition does turn out to be cancer, do you know if it might have anything to offer? Its not something I know much about.

I want to say two other things, BeingChange. First, her decision and its conesquences are not your fault, and you sound like you are doing everything you can to support them both as the best son-in-law you can be. Second, you and your wife are in my prayers, may you be guided to good decisions and words of comfort. Your love counts as much as medical treatment.

Here's my take:

She approached her daughter and told her about the lump. That could have been a "cry for help". Maybe that was the opportunity to help her. With the mother sayings "it's probably nothing" she wanted reassurance from her daughter. Otherwise, why even mention it? Why should your wife "know about it"?

With years of depression and mistrust of doctors there is nothing you could do to get her in for treatment. From all I've read on these threads, my guess would be she has 2-3 months at most. When "whatever it is" is breaking through the skin and "eating up body parts (nipple)", then it is pretty aggressive. Not to say it's cancer. A spider bite is a very good guess! 

You don't lose weight with early stage cancer necessarily. I've had over a dozen family members dies of cancer of one form or another and have almost seen it all. Is this a cry for attention? Your wife hasn't even seen her mom's chest has she? I can't see her dad telling her to "say what she needs to to her mom" if the dad thinks she has 6 years left! Very mixed messages coming through.

I hope you get a visit out there to assess what's really going on. Maybe your father-in-law is just getting verbal info from your mother-in-law and he hasn't seen it at all.

When my dad was dying of lung cancer he took every treatment they would throw at him. He felt terrible for the last 2 years of his life. He didn't LIVE for 2 more years, he DIED for 2 more years. It doesn't sound like much except emergency treatment could possibly slow the tide on what is growing on your mother-in-law. MRSA? Infection? Cancer? Mastitis?

Good luck. Your family will be added to my prayers. And no, I'm not a doctor and don't pretend to know exactly what's going on, but you asked for thoughts and these were mine. 

I am so sorry.  I have known two women who died from breast cancer.  In one case, the woman refused all surgery and relied on "natural" methods.  I'm sorry that I can't recall how long it took--I don't think it was a year but that sort of thing depends greatly on how virulent the cancer is.  Some take longer than others.  In the other case, the woman had surgery but refused radiation or chemo.  She died with brain mets, not recognizing her family.  In both cases, the family members suffered as much or even more than the patient but one can't make an adult see a doctor and be treated.

I would second what Claire says:  if your wife and her siblings want to see their mother, do it now.  Best case, you have made a short trip for "nothing," worst case you got to see her and be with her before it was too late. And maybe by being there, you will get a better feel for what the circumstances are.

Good luck.

Sorry if my initial response was a bit blunt and tactless, and thank you to everyone else who has teased out some of the threads of what i was trying to say. It is shocking how we have all had people close to us in similar positions, and I hope my reply didn't offend anyone else here. Your replies helped me process some of my dad's choices which are still quite fresh in my mind, being only four years ago. When Gran broke her hip at 82 she lived abroad, and at the time i was a single parent with a small child, but I made the effort to visit her, and I have to this day never once regretted it, going to see her while she was still alive. As it happens i was also able to go to her funeral some three years later, but if it had to be one or the other, i would still choose to visit earlier not later.