Understanding boundaries

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Talking2theWall
Talking2theWall Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Since my mom's announcement of her breast cancer diagnosis, she has been bombarded with well meaning suggestions and has pretty much blocked EVERYTHING out. She chose a couple of survivors to listen to who underwent treatment 10-20 years ago. She's 58 years old and relatively internet savvy. She listened to her MD who told her not to look online because "it will just scare you". I have suggested she get online here, but to no avail. She would not listen to any suggestions - even for things to look up. I feel terribly guilty because I recommended DIEP and she smiled and nodded but never learned anything about it. The day before her surgery, I realized she was having the TRAM reconstruction. She had no idea about the differences in recovery and she is so miserable right now. I feel like I should have pushed more, but I tried to respect her boundaries. She is now dealing with chemo and I feel like she is not interested in learning how to manage side effects and anything I recommend is quickly scoffed. I just want to point out, also, that I am now her only child as a result of my younger brother dying at age 18 (9 years ago) from a rare auto-immune disorder. I hate seeing her upset and uncomfortable but I feel like she is blocking me out. Any advice?

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  • KPhilli
    KPhilli Member Posts: 22
    edited March 2010

    Sorry that your mom is going through this. Sounds like she has been through more than her fair share over the years. I do understand how hard it is watching a mother go through this. From what I can tell, mothers with breast cancer do their utmost to minimize the effects on their children.  This can be very frustrating for us, particularly when we feel we have something to offer. I too have suggested to my mom that she consult breastcancer.org but she has not done so. Instead of feeling guilty/useless, I've come to the conclusion that my mom is on her own trajectory, with her own timetable, and she will address issues when she is able to. So I commend you on your respect of your mom's boundaries. What I have learned from reading on various forums here is that how your mom feels is what is critically important. She is lucky to have a loving and caring daughter.

    Take good care....and hugs.   K.P.

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  • daughterfuturesurvivor
    daughterfuturesurvivor Member Posts: 3
    edited April 2010

    I notice with my mom she also does not want to seek information. At the beginning of this someone told me it is a grieving process. At first it didn't make sense, but now I feel that is completely true. The first step is denial which prevents them from wanting to seek the information. Eventually I think they will get to acceptance.

    I have been seeking the information for my mom and passing along only what is needed at the current time. Maybe if you are noticing a certain side effect you can research what to do and provide it for her. My mom has to have a second surgery. I have read that iron is very important so I tell her this but also bring over meals high in iron.

    I hope all goes well for your Mom!

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  • kim1983
    kim1983 Member Posts: 2
    edited April 2010

    It may not be of any help but hospitals normally run a session for women in the same situation, they have tea/coffee and just sit down and talk.

    It has helped my mum immensely, she is also seeing a counselor to help her talk about stuff.

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  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited April 2010

    Hi Talking,

    I am a survivor, and I have 3 daughters.  I was very much like your mom when I found out I had BC. I did not want to explore the internet.  I actually came to this site, and did a little looking around, and decided that it was all too OVERWHELMING for me!  I did not come back to this wonderful site, until my chemo and my surgery was over (my mastectomy). I do think it's a great place to be.  Everyone is different in how they handle their diagnosis. I know women, who asked tons of questions, and researched everything!  That was not me, and it does not sound like it's your mom.  I put my trust in my team of doctors (all women) and followed their instructions to the T.

    You are a very supportive and loving daughter. Don't feel bad about any help or information you  may have given her, that was misleading as you think....you gave her the help she needed.  As someone who has gone through it all, 8 rounds of chemo and several surgeries, including a TRAM....just be there for her.  Sometimes she will just want to know you are there..esp dealing with the chemo.  For me, the anti nausea meds were great to deal with the side effects of chemo.  I did alot of sleeping.

    I hope she has recovered nicely from her TRAM.  I did very well with it. It's a long road...but so well worth it.

    All my best to you as a wonderful daughter, and to your mom as she beats this horrible disease!

    xoxo

    Lisa

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