I am tired of being strong

Anyone do any research on traumatic events in your life at the time cancer started?  From the information I was given on my 4 mm DCIS, it said it would have taken 7-8 years to become that size which coincides exactly with a totally unexpected divorce from a 30 year marriage which was the height of a traumatic experience in my life.  Couldn't have turned my whole any more upside down than it did.  So I was just wondering if anyone else has found a past event to coincide with the start of their cancer. 

The only real stress in my life is this stupid BC (other stuff just doesn't compare).  I had been told this first time which put me at 22 for trauma.  Hmmm, graduation, off to Europe, having a blast with friends, few responsibilities.  This time puts me at 45, successful business, happy, healthy ( I thought), great daughter and husband.  I get tired of all the reasons blaming us for our BC, it's not our fault!!  There must be a zillion suggestions of things that cause it.

I hear you dsj. I made the same mistake when I first told my brothers. Instead of telling them the truth (such as fear, anxiety, etc), I tried to comfort *them* by saying don't worry, it's pre-cancer and I'd be fine. Then I hardly ever got calls from them checking on me. Two month later one of my sister-in-laws said to me "I thought you don't have cancer". By then, I was smart enough to correct her "yes I do have cancer. Why else I had surgery and why else I do radiation?"

What I learned? Never tell anyone I have DCIS again. Just tell them I have cancer. If they care to ask, tell them it is early stage, but I still have to do surgery and radiation. I feel scared. I feel tired. I am not the usual strong person anymore.

I had a similar experience with trying not to worry family with my diagnosis, emphasizing it was very treatable, prognosis is good and all of the other things the doctors say to you to help you pull it together after diagnosis. I think after the initial shock of hearing the word "cancer", most of them seemed to get the idea that it wasn't that big of a deal for me.

After more tests and reading, I mentioned I was planning on a mastectomy and people were really surprised. I have had to emphasize that I really need their support, that this is very hard and that even a phone call can be very helpful to my husband and I.

Unfortunately, we are not geographically close to any family anymore. Five years ago, hubby's job transferred us to Florida from California and we don't really have many friends here....more like acquaintances. It worries me a little since everything I read says let family and friends help. Ahhh well.....I am stockpiling casseroles in the freezer and trying to streamline the house in preparation for recovery. 

 I miss having close friends who live nearby so much though, and I really appreciate being able to read other women's experiences on the boards. I found several local support groups and that has helped me feel less isolated, but I think they will be even more help after surgery as I learn to live with the idea of this lifetime risk of having cancer again.

I have some family and one dear friend who call me often, bless their hearts. It's amazing how much a phone call can life your spirits. On the other hand, one of my oldest friends, a friend since childhood, can not bring herself to call me at all. Her sister has had breast cancer twice and both her parents died of cancer so I'm guessing its more than she wants to deal with. I'm not really sure, but am focusing on the positive and getting past the hurt.

I'm also starting to realize that most people I know don't know much about breast cancer and the diagnosis and treatment details just confuse them. I think back to the people I've known who have fought breast cancer and realize how little I really understood about what they were facing, so I understand and I'm even more grateful for the few in my life who do want to know more and will listen to all the details because it really helps me process this emotional roller coaster ride. 

More and more I'm starting to think that the most helpful support is from another cancer survivor. I don't feel strong and brave either and I never know what to say when people ask "How are you doing?" I miss who I used to be and I wonder if I'll ever see a "self" I recognize again.

But, If I can just get a reconstruction plan worked out to my satisfaction with the PS and have my surgery at least I will have taken the first steps.

You are right.  Things will never be the same as they were before.  We will never feel as safe as we did before we were diagnosed with cancer.  But what choice do we have?  We go from here I guess.

 I think I am a bit like you in that I try to make light of any serious situation involving myself.  I don't want to be the center of attention in that way at all.  But along with that, I think I was in a lot of denial and that's why it's been so difficult emotionally.  Today was the first of my 11/33 treatments where I didn't have any tears while I was at the clinic and didn't cry all the way home.  Maybe I'm coming to grips with it finally.