MOJO Without Matrimony!

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  • holtbolt
    holtbolt Member Posts: 625
    edited June 2009

    http://www.aeroforceone.com/index.cfm/pk/view/cd/NAA/cdid/1177058/pid/1175576

    Can you guys help a BC sister out?  Click link to vote - voting ends at 5p... it'll only take a sec.. hope it's okay to post here.... trying to help my son after he helped me through chemo!  He's only 13 and he knows nothing about this! Vote often & forward?  TY so much!!! 

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2009

    holtbolt  did you win????.....

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited September 2009

    Hi everyone! I apologize for taking so long to post an update. It's been really busy, what with changing jobs twice (I am now in North Dakota, after a year in Kentucky) and a pretty darned heavy teaching load in both cases.

    I broke it off with my sometimes-SO (or perhaps we can say my so-so SO? Wink). He never visited me the entire year I was in Kentucky; there was always some excuse, and quite a large number of lies.

    What seems odd to me is that I am content. I am actually content being busy and being alone. I've come to enjoy being able to do whatever I want whenever I want to. 

    I'm not sure if I miss Mojo. We never really had any (which is why I suspect he had someone else, if not in person, then in desire).

    Today, if I find someone else or not, I don't really care much. But I'll certainly enjoy reading about everyone else's mojo!!! 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2009

    ROSE!!!! It's great to hear from you! North Dakota???? Whoa, chica, if I lived there, I wouldn't have any mojo either because it would be unthinkable for me to take my clothes off! BRRRRRR!!!!!! Laughing

    ~Marin

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited October 2009

    Hi Marin!

    You're right about it being cold here, and it doesn't help that winter came early this year. Cool summer nights can be good for mojo but there aren't enough of them before it turns to COLD. We've already had snow. They had more in surrounding areas but still... winter.....brrrrr! 

    There haven't been many recent posts to this thread. Has everyone moved on? Or is that old mojo gone? ;-)

    WR

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  • kriserts
    kriserts Member Posts: 224
    edited October 2009

    I just posted this in another group (the mojo group?). Since there are 22 pages here by now and I've missed the first part of the discussion, can anyone single women tell me that they've met guys who were okay with mastecomy? I'm 48, lost one breast, and have most of my reconstruction done, and am starting to date. I hear lots of general stuff like "the right guy will love you for you," but that's not really helpful. I'd like to hear some stories that are more specific--ie, it happened to you or a friend. Anyone?

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited January 2010

    I see no one has posted here in months and like kriserts I would like to hear how other girls are getting along with mojo after a mast. I am a bilat and wear pros and my experience with my bf at the time left a lot to be desired.

     Franie 

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited January 2010

    My doctor told me that the tamoxifen really puts the whammy on one's Mojo. I'm only just now beginning to think about the possibility of maybe dating again some time.

    Kriserts and Franie, I wish I could help, but I haven't really dated much after my mast and now have reconstruction (which looks perfectly natural) but am still content to be single. 

    Maybe someone else will reply.

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  • sam52
    sam52 Member Posts: 950
    edited January 2010

    Yes, there is hope......single mast, no recon,tamox followed by AI.......full acceptance by b/f.........and great sex!!

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited January 2010

    sam52 I am so happy for you. There may still be hope, I will keep trying.

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  • kater
    kater Member Posts: 526
    edited January 2010

    I havent really dated, lumpectomy......... arimidex dried me up big time so i dont even miss dating and relationship worries and problems.......but i really want to know, HOW IS FITCHICK AND HER GUY? I HOPE ALL IS WELL AND HOPE SHE WILL WRITE!

    KATER

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    Hello, my chicas! Kater & Sam, how the hell are y'all???!

    In reply to your question, my life is amazing and my man is still totally yummy! It's been nearly 2 years and I still adore him; equally important, he still adores ME! How cool is that? Even the sex is still exciting, though I will say that it takes some awareness to keep trying new things. As happens with so many relationships, things get old and one becomes comfortable with "old." Not me though...I had enough boring when I was married, so I make frequent efforts to charge things up.

    Yes, my darlings, life is good.....Kiss

    ~Marin

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited February 2010

    Marin !  i am so happy to hear that all is still wonderful 2 years later     wow what inspiration !  enjoy every day  !  xoxox

    julia

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  • jeaniept
    jeaniept Member Posts: 49
    edited March 2010

    Hi everyone--I was wondering if I would ever find a forum where single women could discuss sex and relationships after cancer. Thanks to Marin! I had a mastectomy on one side, then an implant done with tissue expander. The latter surgery was on Feb. 2nd. The implant (one of the new "gummy bear" implants) is REALLY uncomfortable still. Like a rock on my chest. (Am looking to start a discussion on that alone, I have not figured out how.)

    Anyway, my mojo has gone into the toilet. Diagnosis was June 19, 2009, and after that it was appointment after appointment, tests, selecting a doctor, then surgery, follow-ups schelps into Manhattan from an hour away for expansions...anxiety, depression, but also many times where I was on the top of the world for just getting through and being strong...all of us here know how exhausting it is. I got tired, and have been tired/dispirited  for 9 months now. Men have been the last thing on my mind, esp since the last one I dated split shortly after the diagnosis. (There were signs it was not going to work out anyway.) WIthout energy, I don't feel at all sexy; just kind of like I am plodding along.

    But how I miss the pre-cancer Jeanie! I used to love to flirt, dance, have a great time. When I go out now, I am just kind of quiet and stay a bit on the sidelines. I want off the bleachers, though!!!

    Last night I was "with" a male friend, a friend-with-benefits. He knows all about the surgery and implant. I kept my camisole on, and kept making sure it didn't slip so he would not see the scar and the "no nipple." I will be getting one in the next few months. Our encounter did not go so well; I was self-conscious. He was behind me and I placed his hands on both my breasts, over the camisole. I wanted to get him "acquainted" with my new shape. I think he was relieved. He said with a smile, "I didn't know WHAT to do with them!"

    What I am wondering, and have not heard addressed, is what it is like when you have had a breast removed and now have an implant--what is it like sexually? I have no sensation there now and hear that it will most likely not come back. Do you still involve the reconstructed breast(s) in foreplay? Have men been understanding? The breast right now feels like the 500-pound gorilla in the room, and in the past, I have loved being touched there A LOT, so it feels like a big loss.

    Any thoughts? Thanks to all you wonderfully strong women!

    xoxo

    Jeanie

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited March 2010

    Hi Marin!

    Thanks for the invite to this thread. I just spent many hours reading all the posts... 

    Looking forward to sex in the future, but I just may have to order the Mr big from Hitachi after reading here...

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited March 2010

    Jeanie, I have only had one date since my former bf dumped me after I lost my breasts. That was last week and he doesn't know I am wearing prosthetics. We are going out again and I don't know what I am going to do. To put it blunt I am sex starved but also afraid of rejection again. If I am touched I would feel nothing and if I take my bra off it isn't a pretty picture. Not sure what to do.

    Franie 

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  • jeaniept
    jeaniept Member Posts: 49
    edited April 2010

    Franie--So sorry to hear about your former BF. However, you can look at it like a  test that he failed...if a man is worthy of you, he will stick around. You are a whole, wonderful woman, no matter what has happened with your breasts, and I am guessing you are kick-ass strong and wise after your cancer experience, very desirable traits! The one who left me I had only been dating a short while. Like I said in another post, I was already seeing signs that it would not work before the diagnosis. (Self-centeredness and secretive.) We split pre-surgery. I was grateful for the timing, actually. If it was after, when I really needed the support, it would have been much worse. He told me in so many words that he couldn't handle it, that he was already under too much stress. I realized that this would also probably be the guy who would tell me if I had a cold to stay away and not give it to him...Sorry but I want a guy who will bring me chicken soup when I am sick!

    I have read on this site of many women who met new men and they didn't care that they lost their breasts or have reconstructed ones. I hope one of them checks in to reassure you. I have not had a date since I lost the breast and got the implant--I too am nervous about it! I understand about being sex-starved: though my libido has been kind of dormant since this health stuff began, I still have sexual dreams and desires, and I realllly miss being touched and held.

    About your upcoming date, I am not sure what to advise...I think you'll have to play it by ear. If it were me, I would not tell the guy too soon, but I also would not wait too long. If it was something that he could not handle, though it would hurt me a lot, I would rather find out and move on before I became really fond of the guy. Good luck and please report back!

    Jeanie

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    I need help...

    I met a man, last night was the first time we had sex... I was so excited and nervous but could not relax enough to orgasm. He was wonderful and took lots of time on me and seemed to think I was holding back and he counted 4 times I almost got there...

    I know it's because I feel insecure and getting to know a new person's body and what they like and dislike. I feel like a failure in some way. It has been well over a year since I had sex and while it was very good, I feel like it was disappointing for him. Does that make sense?

    Does anyone have suggestions for helping me relax enough to let go and fully enjoy sex? I seem to remember it took me a long time to relax after I got married and after a few years sex was very good. I do not want to wait for years to have sex become really good again.

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Let me just add:

    He knows about the breast cancer and the bilateral mastectomy. I am not insecure about that stuff -  I think it's all the other stuff going on in my head...

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2010

    Kimberly, congrats on making it to bed. I am so sorry you couldn't relax and and have an orgasm. I had my second date the weekend before Easter. I haven't written as I got no where. As we were hugging, kissing and he was rubbing what he thought were my breasts I had to tell him that wasn't me. He looked puzzled and said you are wearing a padded bra to get that large and I said no my breasts were removed and I wear prosthetics. That killed the mood and all was lost. Didn't get as far as the bed. We talked for a while and I guess he was a boob man. Oh well may someday. 

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Franie! I am so sorry about your date...

    Can I ask why you have chosen not to have reconstruction? The reason I ask this is because at my local support group we (really just me & 2 other women out of 50) are focused on boobs right now. I just got my implants 2/18 and on 3/11 & 3/25 two of my friends had their BMX with reconstruction done by my PS.

    We are all about the new boobs and sizes and I am so excited to get my awesome nipples built that I have told my friends they can come to all my nipple appointments with me. They are getting filled right now and are interested in my results.

    At first one of the women stuffed her camisol after her surgery to look the same, but now she is just showing up with her tissue expanders. We are all so focused on self image and the loss of our breasts and what we will look like, etc.

    It pisses me off when a woman who had a lumpectomy says breasts are not important or who you are... Let her say that after having both her breasts removed! I KNOW from expierience that it is a HUGE self image thing and she should not be voicing her views to women who are dealing with different issues from hers.

    Big Freakin Whoop! a god damed lumpectomy is not the same as a BMX.... I know because I had a lumpectomy first and the difference is not the same as the BMX. She had no place speaking about this to my friend... I certainly would not lecture someone on a treatment that I had never had!

    I was livid last night at group when some one was trying to tell my friend how shallow she was... 

    Now that I vented... Have you been considering reconstruction of any kind?

    I had a skin sparing bilateral mastectomy and have sensation all over my new boobs. I can't call them breasts, because I breast fed my children, so these are new boobs that aren't trying to kill me.

    Please PM me if you do not want to post about this...

    Kimberly

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2010

    Kimberly, a mastectomy whether a single or double is much different than a lumpectomy. At times I think a double is better than a single. No, I haven't considered reconstruction. For me it may be difficult as I chose not to have skin sparing surgery. I am as flat as one can possible be and don't know if I want to try and stretch my skin that much. As I read other threads using expanders seems to be a long and painful process and not always with good results. For now I am either going to be flat or wear prosthetics and for me flat isn't a viable option. I guess I am to vain as I had large breasts since I was a teenager and they are a large part of who I am or was. I was not slutty, but did take advantage of my assets so to speak. I really look and feel good wearing my prosthetics, but this dating and sex thing is a problem. Maybe I should take an out of town excursion and go out flat and see what I attract. lol

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Franie! That is how we (my friends at group) feel. My blond friend is having a hard time because she was always the Blond with the Big Boobs and no one ever expected much out of her (she is extremely smart) and her identity has been taken away (even temporarily). We ( maybe just me) are dealing with this by being obsessed with nipples right now!

    I was so pissed that some one who had a lumpectomy would call her shallow... I chose to go bigger with my reconstruction to help my self image... my husband of 23 years decided to leave me 2 months before the cancer diagnosis... I have tons of baggage! My self image has been improving the more I get noticed by men....

    I have to agree that a double MX is easier than a single - I wanted to have a matching pair... I can not compare the new boob to the old boob because both are new! But the loss of the erogenous zone is weird. At least with one breast you would still get turned on by nipple play.

    Have you checked into flap procedures with an implant to augment the flap? I have friends who are going that route because radiation eliminated the TE & implant option for them on just one side. If you have not had to have radiation, you might get good results no matter what you have heard. How many consults have you had with plastic surgeons?

    I had the TEs in for 4 months and yes, it was painful but so worth the results!  My exchange surgery was painless and I had immediate comfort from the gels I chose. I went with the biggest I could get - 800 cc that gave me a 38DD or if I lose a few more pounds I can comfortably go with a 36DDD I do not look overly big in clothes and wonder why all the bras are minimizers??? I want to look big! These new boobs balance out my hips nicely.

    I am with you on using the assets... That sounds like a great idea to try an anonymous public outing with out prosthetics. My first night out with the new boobs was disappointing in a way because I expected men to look at my chest as much as I did!

    As it turned out, I still attracted leg men... Not one of the men stared at my chest (disappointing) but commented on my  legs & hips (driving them crazy). I was so hoping to have a boob man appreciate my PS's work...

    I am sorry your date fizzled... I ended up telling mine I had BC via video chat on the Internet after our first date... When we had sex I kept my bra on... if he wanted to take it off I would have let him, but I think he enjoyed my cleavage a little. I just wonder if when my bra comes off how weird it will be to go for the nip and not have anything there? I still feel like I have them and feel like I have the high beams on when I get cold.... I am so excited to have my new nips built in a few months!

    This whole reconstruction process has been wonderful for my head... 

    Please do not let other peoples stories scare you... Recon was painful, but I got drugs to help and it was so worth it in the end... 

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  • franie
    franie Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2010

    Kimberly, wow 800cc, we are the same size so you do know what I am feeling or I guess to be more correct missing. What size were you before your surgery? I really haven't done a lot of checking on recon as I am concerned with additional surgery. From what you are saying maybe I should try flat, a short skirt and spike heels. haha At least if I attracted someone they would know what they were getting. You sound like a determined strong person, I am like that except for dating and I guess I don't want to admit my real, visable assets are missing and I am going to have to learn to accept that.  

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  • nosurrender
    nosurrender Member Posts: 2,019
    edited April 2010

    Kimberly, I totally agree with you. There are so many options out there!

    Franie, definitely look into options for surgery if you think you may want to go that route.

    I am recovering from my second recon right now. It is worth it to me. I have had breast cancer twice and I am not going to let it get in the way of me living the life I want.

    As far as dating, I am sorry about your experience. There are good men out there. You will find the right one.

    Kimberly, you sound like you really went for it! Good for you!

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Hey Gina! HELL YES I DID!

    Franie - On my wedding day I was probably a 34 A then gained weight and with that came bigger boobs. I was biggest while breast feeding my children. Then I gained more weight... I was maybe a 36 C ? Now after cancer and losing weight I am at a 38 DD but really need to be in a 36DDD. I love these new girls! It has been so good for my head. Not only was I tossed aside after spending 25 years with a man who did not want me anymore, I lost both my breasts! I have so much baggage.

    I am on the picture forum under Yippee Squishy if you want to see what the 800cc look like.

    My PS would ask me each week if I wanted to be bigger and as long as I could take the pain I went bigger! I loved my tissue expanders they were so amazing! I woke up from my exchange and went to Olive Garden on the way home from the hospital for dinner!

    Let me know if you want any info on my reconstruction.

    Big Hugs 

    Kimberly

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Franie - I just posted a 7 week post op in my favorite bra in case you wanted to see the new girls...

    I love them!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited April 2010

    Hey chicas...I'm at work and can't post much, but let me quickly address the orgasm and self-consciousness thing, at least superficially. I'll begin by saying that you don't need to have had BC and a mastectomy to be self-conscious and unable to orgasm, as I'm sure you know. It's all about your mindset because once that's fixed, you won't give much of a damn about what anyone, including shallow males, think. Of course, when you're being intimate with someone you care about, it becomes more important, but even then, you need to find your own comfort zone, in your very own skin, in order to truly experience the full pleasure of your sexuality.

    In the meantime, I do highly recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand ( http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-electric/hitachi-magic-wand-g-whiz-comboa ) and then maybe a smaller, battery-operated one for fun as a couple. Then you're sure to ALWAYS get there and won't be worrying about that aspect at least Cool!

    ~Marin

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  • musiclovermom
    musiclovermom Member Posts: 452
    edited April 2010

    Thanks Marin!

    I know it is all in my head. I had too many thoughts rushing around to let go and relax. He was very kind and patient - he took a long time on me. I am hoping for a better time tonight.  Just thinking about sex tonight is fun. I think I am too scared to get too attached to this man. I am working hard at keeping my feelings in check. We discussed this a little last night and hopefully it will help.

    I am at work too so that is it for now! Wish me luck!

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  • sweatyspice
    sweatyspice Member Posts: 922
    edited April 2010

    Just popping in to say that anyone who had a lumpectomy and told a woman with a mx that she was vain should be bitch-slapped.  When you have a lumpectomy, you have a choice.  You choose lumpectomy - and its associated higher recurrence risk - precisely BECAUSE you're too "vain" to let your boob go.  At least that's how it was for me.

    Sex?  What's that?  You're all braver than I am.

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