About to have my port flushed and ready to lose it

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clariceak
clariceak Member Posts: 752
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer
About to have my port flushed and ready to lose it
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  • clariceak
    clariceak Member Posts: 752
    edited April 2010

    I'm halfway through radiation and I'm sitting here at the hospital trying to pull myself together and have my port flushed.  I've been feeling funky for the last few days and can't figure out why. I know women typically have a strong emotional reaction to the end of treatment, but this is a bit early since I still have 3 more weeks of rads.  Maybe it's being away from my kids for a month for treatment.  Maybe it's having difficulty deciding whether to have more port removed or not. 

    I feel like I failed my kids by getting breast cancer.   I can't stop thinking about different outcomes based on how old they might be.  If I make it five years then they will be X years old.  I feel so bad for moms whose children are even younger than mine (8 and 11). 

    Here I am writing above a article titled longer breastfeeding linked to aggressive tumors.  I did breastfeed my girls longer than six months thinking it was best for them and me.

    Was anyone else totally scared of their first onc appointment after treatment?  Mine will be the first week of May.  When I first saw her I told her I understood the seriousness of my situation and I didn't want to discuss the path report and only wanted to focus on treatment.  I'm just rambling now and trying to stop crying. It is so unlike me to cry about bc, and even worse in a public place.

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  • HairSprayMom
    HairSprayMom Member Posts: 251
    edited April 2010

    HANG IN THERE. I randomly lost it throughout treatment...totally normal! My little one was only 2 when I was going through treatment and it is totally a FREAK OUT situation. I see you were staged at 3B and so was I. To give you some hope, I am 2 yrs 5 mo out and except for healing problems with my recon I am NED! I think chemo just killed my immune system and my ability to heal. So look forward, I do every day! XOXOXOXO

    Regina

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2010

    I just want to say hang in there too!

    You are still in the thick of things, so to speak, and I cannot imagine being away from your family is helping things any. Allow yourself to have a little meltdown on occasion! What you are going through is awful and unfair, but certainly NOT your fault. Please, please do not blame yourself, or feel you have let your kids down. No one chooses this.

    Really, once you are done Rads, and you are back home, you will get back into your life, and things will revolve far less around cancer.

    You know, i used to play the same head games with myself all the time too. Try not to do that. It doesn't help anyone, and will just make you feel bad. Just take it day by day.  Don't think too far ahead of yourself, or worry about situations that may never arise.

    Anyhow, hope you are feeling a bit better now.  Remember, good times will return to your life!

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  • FCB
    FCB Member Posts: 21
    edited April 2010

    I was (and am) on a roller coaster emotionally too...when I have an appointment, a scan, a bloodtest, I read something or see something sad related to cancer or not...I try to roll with it and just cry when I need to.  I have a toddler, so sometimes I have to wait until I can have some privacy!  I just want you to know you aren't alone in how you're feeling.  But also wanted to reassure you: YOU DID NOT FAIL YOUR KIDS BY GETTING THIS!!!!!!  NO WAY! 

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  • kimber3006
    kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
    edited April 2010

    It has to be so hard to be away from your kids right now.  I've done the crazy things with imagining my 5 year old's life depending on how many years I make it, too, and Kerry's right, it just makes us feel bad right now about something that may never be an issue.  And you know what?  I'm sick of these studies.  We all have been doing the best we knew to do and we got unlucky anyway.  It's such a crap shoot.  Cry and let it out when you need to cry, wherever you need to - we've all earned that right.  Then focus on the happy parts of your life and how soon you'll back with your family getting on with a long life.  Hang in there!

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited April 2010

    Oh my gosh,

    I could have written this very post (and probably have in just a different form)!  I totally get you about feeling anxious now with treatment coming to an end.  I started to feel that way about 2nd to last chemo, and have been in a major funk since it ended 3/23.  I start radiation this Thursday and the rad onco already warned me a lot of woman go through a depression after.  So it sounds very common and very normal.

    As for me I wonder if I did something to cause this myself too.  I did a lot of experimenting with drugs in my teens, and then became a binge drinker after working at a restaurant for many years.  They have firm studies on how alcohol can cause BC.  So God knows I've thought about that.  I also have young kids (13 and 11) and think, how can I do this to them? It's so not fair.  I DON'T want them to lose their Mother!  Plus I don't want to go anywhere either!

    So, for now, I just do as I'm told and try not to overthink (it's been tough lately though).  Try not to worry too much about the onc appointment.  I'm sure you can set the tone there too with what information you want to hear.  Mine after chemo was really a lot less involved than I thought, and she did not go into prognosis, which frankly I didn't want to hear anyway.

    Of course these ladies here have helped me tremendously!  If you would like to feel free to PM me anytime.

    Take care,

    Sharon

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  • clariceak
    clariceak Member Posts: 752
    edited April 2010

    Thank you for your supportive words. It helps so much to hear from women who understand what I am going through.

    I had the good fortune to have a really wonderful chemo nurse flush my port.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm feeling withdrawal effects from the chemo.  I am still losing hair (eyebrows and lashes) six weeks after the end of Taxol so I know it's taking a long time to leave my body.

     Kerry - how did you stop the head games? 

    Most of the time I'm ok, but sometimes the cancer reel starts playing in my head and increases in intensity.  I'm taking long hike in Big Sur today to see if I can stop it.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited April 2010

    The best thing I have found is to decide on something when you are not in the middle of "the crazies". Something you enjoy doing, and is absorbing/distracting. If you even start the "what if's", make a conscious decision to stop yourself, and do the distracting activity. It could be watching some funny DVD that you love, or doing a crossword, or even playing Game Boy or something. Just don't even let your mind start "going there".

    It is very easy to get very bogged down in it all, and sort of wallow around in misery. I don't think it is denial to distract yourself.  I mean, we all get it, right. We know what could happen. But you have to find a way to keep on living, and living happily, in spite of all the mess. 

    And as for the "if onlys", I really have just drawn a line under them. I cannot go back and change things, much as I wish I could. So spending hours thinking about what happened to me (and I know a similar thing happened to you) is pointless and a waste of time.   So I just don't anymore.

    Remember also that i am nearly a year ahead of you, and it is a process, it does take time, I have had my fair share of meltdowns and crying. But I really don't do it much any more.

    Onward, and upward, you'll get there!

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