Starting Chemo April 2009

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  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Yay..Lena on going topless!  I bet it felt good didn't it...come on admit it!!!!  

    So..do you remember your grade on that psych exam?   I can just imagine!   

    Geri..could look with your new foobs..my sis in law has new ones and you just can't believe how real they look...I haven't really seen all of them..just part of them...she has offered to show me but part of me still says...they are "Her" foobs....and its not like she should go around flashing everyone...

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    Geri - good to hear from you! You must be relieved that those drains are out! Hope you continue to feel stronger.

    Whenever I read posts about reconstruction, I wonder if I will ever do it. I do not feel very brave when it comes to having surgery....

    Hugs to everyone and have a good day! Judy xxx

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2010

    Glad you all liked the story. That was one of my best escapades, the kind that makes me almost pee in my pants laughing when I remember having done it.

    Judy -- about photos and books:  THERE AREN'T ANY, and if I have my way in this, THERE WON'T *EVER* BE ANY. Please remember:

    Pictures:  I do not even own a camera (never have!)), and I refuse to buy one now. Everyone who's seen me so far seems to think I look great in short hair but since I can't stand it, and I hated having my picture taken even when I LIKED the way I looked, well, there's just no way in hell I'll be letting anyone with a camera near me, much less spending MONEY for one.

    Books: I don't want to get into the publication scene at all, plain and simple. I have no intention of submitting any of my writing to any publisher in any way shape or form (and don't get any ideas: I don't want anyone else to think of doing it FOR me). The fact that I'm dying of breast cancer does not make me "special" or any of my shenanigans or memoirs any more salable than anyone else who can construct a complete sentence. When I tell you my stories in here, sweeties, consider it to be more like us -- a bunch of friends -- all just sitting around in one of our living rooms having coffee or drinks and chatting:  I'm just being entertaining in my twisted sort of way when I have the energy to do it.

    OK? Thanks. :-)

    Maybe I still need time to REALLY get used to it, but, while there IS a certain kind of relief in going out topless, the "freedom" of not having to bother with the wig is kind of cancelled out by the feelings of "old and ugly," which I'm having a really hard time reconciling myself to being. Maybe in time I'll be able to accept it and not feel bad about it, much like anything else in life that's unpleasant (such as not being omniscient or infallible) but one "just gets used to it." Well I'm a long way from being used to THIS and don't know if I'll EVER be able to make the full transition.

    Geri -- actually you're brave (or crazy LOL) to be doing what you're doing. I am, or should I say I WAS, a 34C (not sure what I am now: my left breast is normal, same size as before the cancer, but my right breast is shriveled/malformed from the cancer, and I don't wear a bra at all ever anymore), -- when I THOUGHT I was going to have a mastectomy, I ended up deciding against reconstruction when I saw all the "extra" surgery and recovery time it entailed, because I'm unwilling to endure pain for anything which is cosmetic only. Heck the only reason why I didn't demand "TAKE THIS FRIGGIN TUMOR-BREAST OFF ME ANYWAY!" when my oncologist said mastectomies only helped Stage IV patients when they had open sores/tumor breakouts was because I'm too much of a sissy to deal with pain, discomfort and disability unless it's forced on me (and even then, I whine) -- so if doc doesn't think I need it, I'll gladly skip it. Well -- you couldn't get reconstructed to be the size YOU wanted to be? Like if you think C is "too big," couldn't you have said you wanted to be an A or a B? Well, I hope you're feeling better and better each day. How long till you're "normal"? ;-)

    Betsy -- how's the physical therapy going, and how are you feeling?

    Anybody else out there -- or are you all out enjoying the beautiful summery weather? Gosh, even I went out for a short walk around the block when I got home from today's injection/after lunch.

    Probably will catch you all tomorrow to let you know what happens at the oncologist's. Hopefully he''ll take me off the injections!

    Feel good, and don't do anything I wouldn't....

    ~Lena. 

  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited April 2010

    Lena - good luck with the oncologist - hope you can get off the Lovenox.

    Alaina - Yeah, no Herceptin this week!!! or ever!!!!

    Helen - any progress on the hair?

    Amy and Judy - I hope you had as nice weather the past few days as we have had - and I was soooo ready for it

    Betsy - How are u?

    Post-op day #6 for me - sore, but tolerable, drains out yesterday, and I actually drove to do a few errands today.  Didn't take pain meds for 12 hours, did what I had to do, and then back home and got that Percocet in me and took a nap.  Feeling better now.  No one is saying how long until I feel or look "normal" yet, I figure I'd wait till next week and then quiz everyone.  Judy - whatever you want to do is the way you should go.  I knew from the beginning that at some point I would want reconstruction, but that was just what felt right to me.  The nice part with this is that you can not do it at all, or decide years from now that you do want to, so no need to decide a "forever" right now.

    Early bedtime ladies - keep the faith

    Geri

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Good Lena!  keep the stories coming...all I know is when we say tell us a story Lena  you oblige..I sit back and giggle and enjoy the whole damn thing...I love them so keep 'em coming..

    I guess we will just have to reconcile to the fact that we will never see a picture of you....I have a picture of you in my brain anyway....we can just leave it at that.

    And about going topless..I liked my wig!  I looked good in it..I got carded when I bought wine at the store..but even though I looked good I like my own hair back now..even though I don't get carded anymore...and probablylook closer to my age now..whatever..old is old and I guess we have to be gracious about it.

    Did most of you have Taxol?  Did you have leg aches for a while after chemo...for a long time?  Sometimes I still feel a little creaky but not sure if it is leftover chemo se's or....just being 50?  It is better than it was but I don't like it at all.

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    Lena - we are just happy to be entertained by your stories here and they will go no further, no worries there : )

    Geri - glad that you are getting out and about a bit. I may think about it in a year from now, but for the moment, I am staying as I am. Not too happy with the way I look, but I try not to think about it for the most part. Thanks as always for your kind words and support.

    Titan - I had taxol and the pains were awful. I do suffer with joint pain now, especially in my knees, but I am not sure if that is taxol related. I still get phatom pains from the nuelasta in my jaw bone - yuck!

    Alaina - all done with Herceptin?

    Helen - any hair updates for us?

    Betsy - how are you doing? Amy - how are you doing?

    Hugs to all for a good day! Enjoy the sunshine! Judy x

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2010

    Sorry I don't have time for a "real post" at the moment, but I have to tell you all the good news:

    NO MORE LOVENOX SHOTS!!!!!!!!!  :-D  :-D  :-D

    ~Lena 

  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited April 2010

    Finished Herceptin today!  Kind of can't believe it. What a year this has been. And it is so comforting to come here and know you ladies TRULY understand.

    For the first and ONLY time, the port gave a little bit of trouble, but they finally got it working. The nurse cried in my arms when we said goodbye. I promised to come back and see her.  there is a stage IV lady there that is on my same schedule and we have sat together every 3 weeks. She will be on Herceptin forever. So we didnt' make too big a fuss about it being my last time in front of her, but rather out in the hall, to spare her feelings. It was a sobering reminder of how serious this all is.

    BUT what a happy day for me! Port comes out 4/26 - can't wait!  I feel very emotional today - not really happy or sad, more just emotional and relieved.

    I would never have believed I could do this - BUT I DID. And I did it mostly with courage.

    Thank you all for being there.

  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited April 2010

    One more thing - remember a few weeks ago I asked if anyone had tried the moisture-wicking menopause nightgowns?  Well, I ordered two, a long sleeve and a short sleeve. With the heat wave we've been having, I've only worn the s/s one. While I wouldn't call it a miracle product, it does seem to be helping.  They weren't cheap, but i felt I had to invest in anything that might help me have a better nights' sleep. And so far, I do feel cooler.

    I ordered from here if anyone is interested - http://www.lunarradiance.com  but you can just google 'menopause nightgowns' and a variety of online stores come up.

    Hope this helps somebody.Wink

    Amy

  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2010
    OK I have a little time for an actual post now...
     
    Amy -- CONGRATS on finishing the Herceptin! :-D And that's great about getting your port out soon too! I wish I could get my port out but my oncologist thinks it should stay. Um yeah right, like I'll ever do chemo again! And no one uses it for anything else -- it's a Power Port, its documentation says it can be used for blood draws and scan contrast injections, -- I wish they WOULD -- but nobody EVER uses my port for those things so I get stuck with frickin needles ANYWAY -- so if that's the case I wish I could get the darn port OUT then, I'm sick of the sight of it and tired of feeling it get "bumped" when I try to use my iBook case's shoulder strap.
     
    That moisture wicking sleepwear is gorgeous -- I clicked your link and looked at it, but it's way too rich for my blood. 
     
    Titan -- LOL, my grades in my last 2 years of high school were so bad I came down to a D average -- I'm pretty sure they only let me graduate just so they could be rid of me already! Taxol -- well I did have a taxane in my chemo cocktail but it was Taxotere, not Taxol. Interestingly, I saw my chemo nurse in the cancer center while waiting for the result of my blood test and she actually thinks my creaky achy joints are residual from my chemo -- even though I don't recall having that particular SE when I was still doing the treatments! I recall having had severe muscle fatigue, but what I've been feeling for the last couple weeks is painful JOINTS. It hurts like hell to get up and sit down -- my knees are the worst! 
     
    Geri and Betsy -- how are you feeling?
     
    Helen, are you with us?
     
    How's it going, Judy?
     
    OK, gotta go, my simmies need me!

    Have fun, and don't do anything I wouldn't.... ;-)
     
    ~Lena. 
     
     
  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    My knees hurt sometimes too!  A couple of months ago..if I sat too long  and then stood up.well..I felt like I was 90 years old...it is getting better but not best...when/if I run both knees have sharp pains in them..I don't like it..sucks!

    Lena..so glad the shots are done!  Time to celebrate with the "Rat"..hey???

     Ok..here is my story..went to have my hair shaped up and colored today..you guys have to know that I have never ever colored my hair...until I didn''t have any....anyway..the last time it was done it was 1" long..now it is 3" long...I can't believe it but I'm a freaking BLONDE!  What a shock!  My dh was in the shower when I came home..and his jaw just dropped...He said that he will just have to get used to the new me...one year ago I had frizzy black/gray hair..then I was freaking bald, then I had a cute wig., then I had one inch of hair that was kinda spiked and brown/blond...now.well I just don't know..I didn't expect it to be so light..anyway..here goes:

     A blonde was asked..."Which is closer..the moon or Florida?"  after thinking. for awhile the blonde said...The moon!...Why do you think that..she was asked...and the blonde replied...BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE FLORIDA!    

    Being a blonde now (though a fake one)...this almost makes sense!

    Have a great weekend everyone..I get to work at a Rotary event this weekend...big antique auction..though my Dh thinks it is all junk.

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Amy..forgot to say congrats on finishing the Herceptin...yes..it has been quite a year..now we are coming up on the anniversary when we actually started chemo!  Yuck!...Thinking back none of us really had a clue what we were going to go through!  

    And like you said Lena..chemo again?  Well I don't know..I hate to think of doing it again..I hope none of us have to do that again....none of us deserve this..then...or now..

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited April 2010

    I'm here .... lots of stuff going on. I think I mentioned my DIL's mom passed away a few weeks ago.....another bc tragedy. Tomorrow DIL's sister is having surgery....Crohn's Disease .... but they are still in such grief and their mom always took care of everyone so it's a tough time for them. I'm going over to take care of the grandkids so DIL and DS can go to hospital to be with sister.....And a big reorganization at work so not sure where I'll end up when it's done. Hair is still pathetic but I'm using minoxodil so hope it will help. Time to go to sleep. I'll post more over the weekend.

  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited April 2010

    LENA - Yeah for you - no more Lovenox!

    And Amy - no more Herceptin!

    It's so nice to have things to feel good about.... 

    Like Titan being a blonde!

    Helen - we just have to keep calling for the hair fairy to watch over you. I hope your family situation gets better soon and that work turns out ok for you.

    As for me, things are slowly getting better.  I have a little concern about the color of the non-cancer breast, but I'm thinking it's purple because of tissue bleeding.  I'm keeping an eye on it though.  This has been one of my quietest weeks since dx as far as doctor visits go - we start up again next week, so I think I'll just enjoy this time while I have it.

    Have a good weekend everyone, and thanks for all the support.

    Geri

    I hope your family situation gets

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    Hi all, just passing through before the weekend : )

    Geri - glad you are feeling a bit better and that you are enjoying a quiet week! I hope the sunny weekend continues for you ....

    Lena - YAY! No more shots! Thanks for asking, I am doing ok I think. I am starting a part time job on Monday and am quite looking forward to it.

    Amy - YAY! No more herceptin! You must be so relieved. I remember when I started chemo on 21st April last year and could barely see to the end of the day, let alone a year down the line. I remember on my last day, (27th July), we were all very emotional and the nurses gave me a crown to wear! My husband wore it actually... There were some women there who had just begun and another woman who I had spent a lot of time with. She was due to finish before me, but then they had to extend it for another 8 or so months and I felt so bad for her, that I also took my tearful goodbyes outside. I don't think there are any words to describe how horrible this whole experience has been...

    Titan - Blonde! Good for you! Now you must def buy an outrageous dress for the wedding. The new you!!! Fabulous! Enjoy it!

    Helen - I am so sorry that your family is going through such a hard time. I am sending you ((((HUGS)))) and hoping that the hair fairy comes your way very soon!

    Hope you all have a lovely and sunny weekend! Dawn - where are you?

    Hugs to all, Judy xxx

  • BetsyBuzz
    BetsyBuzz Member Posts: 592
    edited April 2010

    Wow.. you ladies have been busy.

    Lena - loved your story. I can just picture you up on those desks. Glad to hear the Lovenox shots have ended.

    Titan - just this past weekend I've had chemo bone pain again. Not bad...but boy did it bring back memories. I was thinking it was AC but it could be bone pain from Taxol. All this time I thought all the bone pain was from the neulasta shots but now I'm thinking it was from chemo.

    My compression garments seem to be helping but man...talk about feeling old. Compression garments are definitely old lady bras. I swear they go up to my chin and down to my belly. It's truly disgusting. The night wear is even worst. It looks like heavy quilted oven mitt in the shape of a ping pong paddle. My dh says it looks and feels like an alien...a boob hugger.. It's about the most un-sexy thing I've ever seen. I bought a cami with a pocket that it fits into...TG it's black so it doesn't look too bad. BUT...they help keep the swelling down so I guess looks aren't everything. I have to admit...I too am struggling with this new fat body, all the new ole lady paraphernalia . My Shirley Temple curls don't help much either. Lena...I can relate to old lady and ugly.

    Amy -Congrats!

    Geri - I'm glad you are feeling good.

    Time for bed. Sweet dreams all.

    Betsy

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Betsy..compression garments..well....there goes the old sex life huh????  Our mothers would probably loved those 30 years ago when we were out and about! 

    Lena..still giggling about your story of dancing on the desks... I think my dh is maybe thinking of having them come take me away...I can't tell him because he just wouldn't get it...great guy..just doesn't understand why I come on here and post...that's ok...if I didn't come on here for my sanity and to rant and just talk a little..I probably wouldn't be the person I am in my every day life..which is someone actually coping....Lena..you just sound happier in your posts...I love it...

    Helen..sorry to hear about your family..you have just had way too much to deal with...big hug to you sweetie...and I bet you are having such fun with your grandkids....I hope to come on here and tell you all about mine someday.  Come on Helen..tell us about them!  You are a g-ma...brag a little! 

    Judy..as always...you are a comfort to us all!

    Geri..you look like you are kinda blonde also...It is fun isn't it??  I think my dh secretly likes me as a blonde....poor guy...a year ago I had friizzy black/gray longish hair, then I was freaking bald, then I had the blondish straight wig, then I had 1" of brown/blond hair and now this...He has a hard time finding me in the grocery store because he has to remember what my hair looks like now!  

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    Hi all, how are you doing today on this gorgeous sunny day?

    Betsy - I loved your post.  It made me smile...I hope that the garment is helping at least.

    Geri - hope you are still feeling better.

    Helen, how are you doing today?

    Titan - What a year! So many changes, it is just crazy! You are so right though, writing and visiting here, makes such a difference to my everday life.

    Hope you all have a lovely Sunday! Hugs to you all! Judy xxx

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited April 2010

    Hi everyone. It was a gorgeous, sunny day here in Toronto with temperature about 17 C (mid 60's F). I picked up my grandson and spent the afternoon with him. We went for a long walk to a playground where he enjoyed the slides and swings and then we walked to a gelato place and had a snack and then played soccer in the driveway. He did not want to go home and cried when I left him. While I felt bad for him, it was nice that he enjoyed spending time with me. I took my hat off and he said my hair looked strange (which it does -- very thin and it doesn't do anything) - he said I should put the hat back on so no one would laugh at me. Five year olds are very honest.

    Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Back to work tomorrow.

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Oh Helen..your grandson sounds like such a "little man"....Sometimes I wish I could go back for just one day when my kids were that age....they are so awesome and like you said "honest" at that age....maybe someone day I can come on here and talk about my grandkids...I guess if you can be a grandma Helen, then I can to!   And he likes soccer....!  That is even better...!

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    What a lovely posting Helen! I know that we all have daily challenges to face, some are harder than others, but those moments are so precious. You are right, the honesty at that age is priceless...

    I started working today! A big step forward for me! I think it went well. It is part time and I am back later in the week.

    I am not sure I could have got this far without all of you...

    Hugs to all for a sunny Monday!

    Judy xxx

  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited April 2010
    Judy
    CONGRATULATIONS on going back to work. GOOD FOR YOU!
  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited April 2010

    Have good news to share - pathology report negative on the prophylactic mastectomy!  Had my surgical follow-up today, and my wonderful breast surgeon had the report all copied and ready for me to take (she knows me well enough by now that I would want a copy to look for myself!).

    Herceptin #40 tomorrow, and plastic surgery appointment on Thursday (hopefully will graduate to a bra instead of the ace bandage that has me wrapped like a mummy - don't get me wrong, small inconvenience compared to the good news!).

    Still a little uncomfortable with the implants, but better each day.  Breast surgeon thinks they look symetrical, and there's still a fair amount of swelling, so she said don't even think about how they look now - 6 months to be able to tell. 

    Thanks to all of you for being here and just listening when the scary thoughts creep in. 

    Geri

  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited April 2010
    Oh Geri I am so happy for you. It's all downhill from here....................Laughing
  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited April 2010

    Judy, congratulations on going back to work. Hopefully it will go well. I find it to be a distraction - better than sitting around thinking of myself all day. Geri, glad you are recovering so well.

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    Judy...yay on going back to work...who would have ever "thunk it" that work would be what we need to do?  It is just part of the new normal....going to work, hanging out with the dh and kids or grandkids or pets or whatever...appreciating it all a little bit more maybe??? Even things like cleaning out the fridge or washing windows...sometimes I think..a year ago I didn't know if I would be able to do this kind of thing...and now here we are..doing this stuff....not sure I like the cleaning part..but glad I can do it....! 

    Geri..yay..it should only get better for you from here...I'm so glad for you!  It has been over a year for you dealing with this...

    Umm...I have always been confused about the "down hill" thing...Down hill is easier but then why do people say..he/she is "going downhill" when they are doing badly?  Is it something with our crazy English language???

    Helen..I have a picture of your little grandson in my mind...he must be such a cutie....I have a 2 year old niece and I just love her...!  She is going to be flower girl in my dd's wedding...and I think we are having more fun picking our her dress than my daughters!  Your grandson wouldn't happen to be in Ohio in around a year would he?  We need a ringbearer and haven't found one yet!

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited April 2010

    My grandson is going to be the ring bearer at my middle son's wedding this June....and his sister who will be 3 by then will be the flower girl. And yes, they are both adorable children.

  • JudyNaomi
    JudyNaomi Member Posts: 1,413
    edited April 2010

    Thanks everyone for your good wishes. I am feeling good about working again, just being able to do it. Although, today I am already feeling the crazy juggle! I seem to be very busy, but I shouldn't complain. A year ago yesterday was my first chemo and back then, I wasn't sure I would ever get out of bed again!

    Geri - so pleased that you are on the right track - keep feeling stronger!

    Hugs to all of you wonderful ladies!

    Judy xxx

  • inthemoment
    inthemoment Member Posts: 538
    edited April 2010

    Hi Judy - I hear you about work.  Quickly fell into old habits of working more hours than I planned to, checking my e-mails for work when I was supposed to be off, etc.  I was so glad to be functional again that I didn't listen to my body telling me to go slow.  Doing better with that this time around, since I can't work right now because of the recent surgery, but I'm already looking ahead to going back. Just remember to take care of you first.

    Geri

  • Titan
    Titan Member Posts: 2,956
    edited April 2010

    OMG..did you guys see a thread someone just posted on here?  This Billy Joe person said that cancer is a conspiracy and that we are all aliens...funny stuff...I did respond to this person..said something about too many ativan's and admitting that yes we are all aliens and asked this person what planet they were from...funny stuff....I was laughing my rear off...

    Judy..that is right..take it a little easy at first but you will be fine.

    And...about the first chemo..we are all coming full circle here and I will have to admit that I'm freaking a little....a year ago we all had our FIRST chemo...the word CHEMO just freaks me out just to hear and type the word...Yikes...oh well..hopefully it did its job for all of us and we never have to deal with THAT again....I have to admit that I really was in total ignorance of the whole thing when it came to chemo....it was like the word was always spoken in hushed tones...and then we were to to HAVE IT?   So many people have preconceived notions of what it is and I have to admit these preconceptions had me freaking...it really wasn't bad as I imagined...

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