Mom doesn't want to talk about it. I do. Help?

Options
CanadianGrrl
CanadianGrrl Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello. Thanks everyone for all the caring and informative posts on here. Like so many, up late looking for advice.

My mother, 50, just told me her breast cancer is back.

She had a lumpectomy and radiation more than 20 years ago, and has been "in the clear" since then. I was young then, so I never learned much about it, other than that my mom survived bc.

Now, I want to know everything I can find out. I am someone who needs to ask many questions of my doctors. I read alot of books and magazine articles about health. My mother is completely the opposite. She also does not want to talk about it with me, because she says she does not want to upset me. So when I ask her questions, she says she doesn't know the answers. I get the impression she barely knows what she had way back then. All I know is that after many tests to confirm it, she is going for surgery to remove the breast. She tells me this is good news to her, she is thinking very positive, treating it like a treatable problem. Obivously, I am comforted by her optimism and want to respect her privacy, but also feeling queasy because I don't really know what's going on. It is difficult for me to make sense of all the valuable information on this website or in books, for example, when I don't know all her details. We do not live in the same city so I cannot accompany her to appointments and ask questions myself, or even give her a hug about all of this -- it's all over the phone and email. I am grateful she has family close by taking good care of her. She is a very tough cookie, but I imagine she must be scared. What scares me is not knowing everything I can about the situation so that I can help my mom.

First, how can I become more informed if she doesn't want to be, or to share it with me? I really don't want to accept being in the dark on this.

Second, what can I do to support her before and after the surgery? 

Third, what books would you recommend for friends/family of BC, particularly how to talk to them about it?

 Sending best wishes to you all, and thanks in advance. 

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited March 2010

    Hi CanadianGrrl -- I'm really sorry that your Mom's BC has come back.  It must be such a shock for her, and you.  This is probably not what you want to hear but I think you need to let your Mom choose the time to talk about it, if she wants to talk about it.  I know you want to do everything possible to help her.  When one first starts treatment a lot of control taken away -- it adds to the fear.  Right now she needs to feel some control.  Trying to make her talk about it will only add to her stress.  Give her time.  By letting her know that she can call you any time to talk is the best support you can give her.  Ask her what you can do for her and let her take the lead.

    Your local Canadian Cancer Society can probably direct you to some good resources.  Also, if you have a hospital nearby with a cancer clinic it probably has a support group for family member of BC patients.  Wishing you and your Mom all the best.

    Elizabeth

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited March 2010

     Since your mom is getting a mastectomy, I assume it is a recurrance or new breast cancer. If so, her prognosis is probably much, much more positive than my friend's situation.

     I went through a  situation 2 years ago with a (platonic) friend that has some parallels.  She was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer.  (She didn't tell me it was stage IV until about 2 months after diagnosis, but the vast majority of pancreatic cancer is stage IV.)  She was diagnosed in February, and I took her to all of her daily chemo/rad appointments the first 3 months, then about 30% of the rest. So I spent a lot of hours with her. She passed in Dec of that year. She, a postop nurse, knew her prognosis.  She never wanted to talk about the emotional impact of this, and only occasionally about the strictly factual aspects of her diagnosis.

    I don't think there is a pat answer that a person can give you that will be good advice for all families.

    In my friend's case, I chose to respect her need for privacy.  On 2 or 3 times, I forced the issue, and spent 30 seconds each telling her that I really appreciated her being my friend.  I later found out (really speculated) that from her physical actions when she was in hospice, that she had probably been traumatized growing up, and that probably explained her distance.

    If I was in her situation, I would want to tell the people that were close to me how much I appreciated their friendship.  But my friend did not.  I talked to a psychologist, and he said its common for people with serious diagnoses to be in denial - his mother was in denial from when she got a dire diagnosis until she died.  

    I decided that the best thing to help my friend was to listen and not judge.  That's probably a good idea in dealing with anyone with a serious diagnosis. 

    I would be very hesitant about 'forcing the issue' about her diagnosis until she is ready for that.  You may find at some point you choose to do that, but  that may cause emotional hurt, and you may lose some of her trust.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • CanadianGrrl
    CanadianGrrl Member Posts: 4
    edited March 2010

    Thanks both for the kind words and the good advice. Reading more posts here it seems this is a common concern -- parents not telling kids everything we'd like to know. I have several friends who have been in similar situations as well. It is very frustrating but I guess it's good to be reminded it's really not about me right now. I can only imagine how many people want to tell you what to do during this difficult time. I will try not to add my voice to that mix and hope once the shock wears off a bit she will open up to me. I am trying to tell myself if it's very serious she will share and until then I will wait for updates from her as they come...

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited April 2010

    Honestly? With all due respect, I think you should mind your own business. Don't pepper her with questions -- if she's anything like me, your doing so will make her not want to be with you and talk to you at all. If your mother doesn't want to talk about it, IMO it's her decision -- it's her body, her illness, her business. However -- telling her "OK, well, I'm here for you if or when you change your mind and want to talk, anytime" is fine.  Just be sure to wait for HER to bring it up, and when she's had enough give it a rest.

    Just my two simoleons....

    ~Lena.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • CanadianGrrl
    CanadianGrrl Member Posts: 4
    edited April 2010

    Thank you Madalyn for your concern. Yes, things are going well. My mother had a masectomy a few weeks ago and it seemed to go as well as it could. I visited her that day and she was in good spirits and not too much pain. She has since had the drain and the stitches removed and says she feels pretty good. A friend of hers has made her a foam prostestic to wear in her bra so she doesn't feel so weird going out in the world while she waits to have her reconstruction surgery. She has wonderful friends and family helping her around the house and with errands, etc.

    We have had the chance to talk about it a little more, although I'm pretty sure she's more interested in "putting on a brave face" for everyone around her than really discussing what is going on. She cries alot, so I know it's not all roses, you know? I have indeed indicated that I am concerned and there when she wants to open up. But you're totally right, not telling us things does not protect us from worry, it can make it worse.

    However, and if you'll pardon some anger here Lena, I do think is IS my business. I am trying to be respectful and supportive but we're talking about something that could kill my mother. And guess what: maybe me too! Our latest conversation included this wonderful gem: the word "gene." The surgeon says there was something "genetic" in the removed breast and she's going to see an oncologist in a few weeks to find out more. I have no idea what this means. Of course, when I ask anything about this She Doesn't Even Know the Details. She doesn't write anything down. Her boyfriend who attends these meetings with her doesn't write anything down. This is why when her own doctors ask her about her first breast cancer she can't even give them the details. This is why when I visit my own doctor and she asks me about family history, I can't even fill her in. (This is why I've come back here for some answers/advice...)  Of course it's her right to know/not know, talk/not talk. But apart from being scared for her, I have to admit the whole hereditary nature of this disease does make it feel like she owes me some answers as well. There, I said it! But since it's such a sensitive topic, I guess I'll just .....wait.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • CanadianGrrl
    CanadianGrrl Member Posts: 4
    edited April 2010

    Thank you again Madalyn. That is a very helpful answer. It's such a huge topic I've not been able to figure out the simple/basic questions. Yes, I think that if I ask her to do me the favour and find out these few things so I can tell my doctor, she will do it. Best to you as well.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories