Husband not caring

Susansnow

 I am heart sick for you on this subject. I had to ask my husband for a man's point of view. He said he may be wrong but it could be that your husband is afraid of losing you and his fear of that out weighs anything else. He could be distancing himself for what he may see as the ultimate end. Your son may be a reminder to him of that end. Fear is a strong thing.

Since your son is 18, he probably has already figured things out. All you can do is be the great strong woman you have proven yourself to be and be the great mom I feel you are. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Susansnow - my suggestion would be to go see a lawyer as soon as you can. That doesn't mean that you are going to divorce, but you will find out what are your rights and options particularly because, aside from everything else,  he may be causing you financial difficulties by going to the casino so often.

Your son, at 18, very likely is aware that something is going on.  There is nothing wrong with talking to your son about how he and you feel, while at the same time, not saying bad things about your husband, even though he has shown "poor form". Despite it all, that is his father.

Still, going to a lawyer can provide you with the facts you need to make a decision. It's a tough situation, but you've been through breast cancer treatment, so you can do anything!

Wow, I'm running across more and more people who's husbands are just being jerks!  Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!  My husband's never been very caring or empathetic, but he got even worse after I was diagnosed.  Told me I was using cancer as an excuse not to keep the house clean during chemo, went to his divorce lawyer the day I was at my third chemo, and on my 6th month cancerversary when I was feeling down he told me I had "a chip on my shoulder".  A few months ago (just one day after surgery) he told me I'd need to pay half the rent if I want him to move out.  I'm a stay at home mom to two preschoolers, how am I supposed to pay rent?  Get a job was his answer.

What have I learned through all this?  That I need to think of myself and my health first and foremost. That I don't need someone who can't be supportive during a really difficult time in my life.  This cancer is not killing me, but my husbands' meanness slowly is. As hard as it is to accept that the relationship needs to end, I'd rather be alive for my babies than be miserable with him!

Hang in there!  We are strong and we can do this with or without a crummy spouse's support!!!

Susansnow, your words really spoke to me. I know your pain and how hard it is to have to be so strong when you really need someone to be strong for you. I am always amazed at the lengths we women go to "try to understand" why men do what they do. We barely manage to tread water when we need to be using the messages we are getting through their behavior to make strong, protective decisions for ourselves.  Can you imagine reading discussions by men  about why their wives have disappeared emotionally, financially and/or physically after a doc shocked then with the scary, life-changing diagnosis of prostate cancer?

I was married to an unavailable man and stayed way too long trying to understand him.  It finally became clear he saw me as an asset or a liability according to how much I convenienced or inconvenienced his life.  When that light bulb went off, it took about 2 hrs. to have the conversation I had postponed for more than 16 yrs.  Fortunately, that happened when I had a hysterectomy years ago....before BC.

When my husband and I began considering marriage 4 yrs. ago, I asked that we have a straightforward conversation about what each of us bring to the table to make the other's world bigger and better...emotionally, financially and physically. It was a surprise to my DH but earned his respect and created trust and intimacy. Because of my past experience, I knew I would walk away if that conversation signaled any red flags for me.

I was diagnosed with BC a year ago.  I knew my DH was deeply affected by his mother's long struggle and death from breast cancer and my diagnosis evoked his grief and fear.  But, it would never have occured to me that was any reason...or excuse...for him to treat me badly.   And even if he did, I have no energy or desire to spend time on understanding, overlooking or changing his faulty and self-centered behavior.  As it was, we had the strong foundation of that early conversation and I knew I was with a kind and positive man.  His experience with his mother's illness made him more aware of how precious is time with those we love.  His experience of having my support during surgery a few years ago made him more aware of how important is support when one is ill.

If it gets too hard or inconvenient for him to walk with me in this struggle, I will see an attorney (my DH is an attorney and I know firsthand how important this is )  to protect my interests and future. Then I'd have a conversation to say "I won't waste my time trying to understand or justify your indifference and I won't waste energy trying to convince you I deserve kindness, love and support. I'm surrounding  myself with people who make my world happier and better. I love you for the gift of our son and the good memories we have and so I want you to get on with your life, too.  So move forward and out with my best wishes..by next Monday. Amicable, fair... and considerate to give a weekend for moving.

We all work things out differently. My experience has taught me not to waste precious time trying to understand or change a  person who has no desire to change. 

Susansnow, you and your son are in my thoughts everyday. It is time to focus on you and your son. You can teach him by example to respect women. Take care of yourself!

Molly

Oh Susan, I can't imagine being treated like that by the man I love. My hubby has been so supportive, he does all the housework, cooking etc. for me. The hospital is a 3 hr. drive and he takes me every time and waits patiently while I do my thing.

He rushed home from any job he does to make sure I'm ok. He was the one who got me to the dr. and dx. I was too scared to go, he says: We'll do this together..

Susan, the amount of anxiety you are experiencing because of this situation is really not good for you or your son. I feel you need to take action and relieve the situation. The key word here is "Acceptance"  Accept that he's never going to reply to your questions, he will keep on doing what he is doing. Its really all up to you. I know what divorce is like, it hurts a lot, its another end to an era in your lives but sometimes its unavoidable. I wouldn't tip your hand to him again, I'd go get legal advice before I did or said anything. Here in Canada we can call a lawyer for free advice before we hire him, hope you can do the same. See your MD also and talk to him/her about your stress level.

My dx had thrown me into a panic attack and I am having trouble calming down. This website helps me a bit and friends and family I can talk to also. We're here for you if you need to talk.

Best wishes, Marg

Susansnow - Your are right, your health is the most important thing right now. Are you about to finish treatment? How much longer do you have? I myself am half way through.

Susansnow, my heart goes out to you.  Having to struggle with the emotions of what you are going through physically and emotionally, plus not having the care and support of the one who is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health, breaks my heart.  Take care of yourself first, and I would not focus on divorce right now....let him do his thing, and you take care of yourself.  As you suggested, your marriage is most likely going to end, but at this time, you don't need to be hit with double the stress of cancer and divorce.  Unless it's more stressful with him there, as you said, you do try to ignore him....then there is the financial burden of being alone (which is where I am!), which is also so hard.  I know I'm kind of rambling, but bottom line is to take care of yourself first.

I was dx in March, surgery April 27th.  I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years, and can count on 1 hand how many times I've seen my "male friend" since I was diagnosed.  I have cried alone, I have been angry about having to deal with this alone (in which his response was "we all have things we are going through, you need to be more positive!!!"), I have gone to my appointments accompanied by my daughters and my best friend, but not once did he offer to go along with me.  I have told him that if he can't handle this, then it's really "okay" to just end this so-called relationship now rather than later.  He said he doesn't want it to end...He also had the nerve to say that even though he's a "boob guy", he will still love me after I have breast surgery.  I think his big thing is that he doesn't want people to think he's a jerk for leaving a woman with BC.

I just want him to go away (kind of).....but, I am just going on as though nothing is different, because I am being selfish right now and just dealing with the DX/surgery/treatment.  I will deal with him later.  Even if we could work things out, I think I would always resent the fact that he kind of has disappeared through all of this. 

I am in the same boat as far as the lack of support from my huband. I started my cancer journey 4 yrs ago and my husband ahs totally detatched himself from it.

He has made statements like "I want my wife back". The problem is I am not the same person. I suffer from neuropathy in my hands and feet and Post Chemotherapy Cogintive Im pairment. I had to quit my job which I loved because of these lingering disabilities. Yes, most women see these symptoms pass but I happen to fall into the 13% that do not.

I first of all want to say I have always been the strong one and can identify with your hurt that when you needed your husband most....he checked out.

I am glad to have found this forum because it validates the things we are facing in our own lives as a result of our cancer.

I have no answer for you and I wish I did. I have decided to focus as best I can on the things which I can change, that bring me joy and make me feel productive. I am struggling but will make it.

Feel free to send a personal message if you like. I don't know how we can help each other but as BC partners, it may help to have someone to unload and listen.

Harmonykate

It may be worse to think you must depend on someone who does not care for you and is in fact undependable .