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  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited January 2010

    Brenda, I think a lot of what happens as a person is dying depends on what directions were left by the individual or how the next of kin feel.  When my brother was dying, we limited his visitors to only those few, other than family, that we knew he would want nearby.

    I have left clear instructions to both my husband and my daughter that I do not want a "gaggle" of "vigilers" when I am dying.  Just family and one or two others that are like family to me. I, like you, feel this would be a major invasion of my privacy.  If people want to console family members, they can do it outside in a waiting room. 

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  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited January 2010

    I cannot imagine that someone who is sick would want 20 people hanging around.  Dying is an intimate experience and I would only want to be with the people I am most close to.

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited January 2010

    Seriously? 20? I would like my BFF there. DH, not my kids, unless they want to be.

    20?

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited January 2010

    When my mother was dying, there were a lot of people around...she had seven children and we all came, some with spouses. It was a large house so there was room for everyone, and we slept in shifts. As long as she was concious, we tried to have a few people with her, told a lot of stories, had many reminiscences.

    The night after she slipped into unconciousness, my husband called me home because he was tired of caring for our children by himself. I went to pick them up and planned to bring them back with me, but I then got a call that my mother had passed. My father and the hospice nurse were the only ones with her at the time. I think it was a very peaceful moment to go, considering all that had gone on for the previous week.

    When my father died this past September, the only ones with him were my sister and her husband. We had set Dad up at her beach house because he really loved it there, and both she and her husband were retired and could be with him fulltime. My BIL was an MD, so he was able to monitor my father's decline, which was rapid in the end. In the middle of the night, my sister was holding my father's hand. He turned, looked at her and closed his eyes, and was gone. It was so peaceful.

    I think it was interesting that considering both parents had lots of people around them for so long, that they died with such a small number present. If there is such a thing as having any control at the end, they seemed to have purposely picked moments when the crowd wasn't there. 

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  • pookie61
    pookie61 Member Posts: 257
    edited January 2010

    My kids are older so I will leave it up to them.  If I was still able to hear, I would love to hear my kids read to me or just talk.  If I could still perceive touch, I would want them to hold my hand.  I would also like friends and family members to be able to do the same, preferably in small groups. 

    As for a lot of people around, I will leave this decision more to my spouse.  If it comforts my spouse and family to have more people around, wherever I am, then that would comfort me as well.  Regardless of whether I am conscious or not. 

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited January 2010

    He died yesterday evening at 5;45, but there were still a lot of people there.  Tll of his sex siblings, their spouses, children. his children and their separate mothers.   I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who finds offense in this kind of last of respect of privacy.

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  • blondiex46
    blondiex46 Member Posts: 5,712
    edited January 2010

    Who knows what happened that you don't know, maybe he discussed it and honestly that is quick from Christmas to the other day, maybe they were trying to deal with it.

     Actually I was thinking about this the other day, guess you think about it more and more when you have no idea how long you will be here?  Anyway,  not sure how I want it handled before the end, after I am done know that part.  I don't have a husband, no family except for my kids (5) and grandchildren.  My son never calls me I have 16 year old twins and he calls to talk to them, my daughter I do talk to a couple of times a day, but when my adoptive mother was dying she said she didn't want a viewing, she wanted people to see her when she was alive not at a viewing after she was dead.  I did have a memorial service tho and she was cremated.  I do want a  memorial service to help them all with the closure.  As with the end, I know I don't want it to be at their houses where they are taking care of me, especially if they don't bother with me now.  I just want to be here for at least 2 years til the twins graduate from high school, will that happen who knows..

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  • pee
    pee Member Posts: 456
    edited March 2010

    I think the whole vigil thing is barbaric as is the funeral home scene.  I want no vigil.  Just family and close friends.  I want to be cremated and have a memorial service that is filled with good and funny memories and stories about me.  I want people to party and laugh and enjoy the memorial day.  Then I want my family to spend some time together and pretend I am there nagging at them to get things cleaned up and properly put away so that they can begin to heal and go on with their lives.  This board is making me do a lot of thinking and hopefully a long time before I need to deal with these things.  I think that we do need to handle things asap so that we can then put that part of dying aside and concern ourselves with living.  Now, to just follow through on my own advice.

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited March 2010

    I just want my Mom and oldest sister at the end.  I don't want anyone to see me so decrepit.  Remember me as alive, not dying.  No memorial, no nuthin'.  When I think of my BFF who died years ago the first thing I see in my mind's eye is her in her coffin - I have to force myself to think of her as she was alive.  Who'd MC my memorial service anyway?  I don't belong to a church so why put a stranger or someone who knew me through that?  We didn't have a memorial for my Dad -- Mom and Dad agreed on that but Mom did get some flack over it.  I say f-off to them!  So cremate me, mix up my ashes with those of my cats and send me off in the wind.  Remember me as alive, not dead or dying, thank-you very much!  Only vary from this if it is something my Mom wants, otherwise, no fanfare, no vigil, just let me go.

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited March 2010

    I can just see my mom having a hissy fit...she would like the funeral home. rosary thing...not me.

    No funeral home visitation. 

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  • kenzie57
    kenzie57 Member Posts: 207
    edited March 2010

    Janis my dear:  Your wish is granted.  Be sure and keep the funny post and comments coming so that we have plenty of ammo!!!

    Love ya,

    Linda

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited March 2010

    Ok I may get in trouble for posting on this thread but I just have to say this...Konakat I too have thought the very same thing for myself ever since my mother died when I was 8 years old....I don't want flowers, a fancy schmancy casket (who besides the worms are ever gonna see it again after I'm buried anyway??) and nobody at a dais boo hooing and giving a eulogy and saying things about me they have no idea about.......I know I am only stage 1b here but I know I am going to die one day too....It's the only guarantee we have in life besides taxes......I want my DD and DH and family to remember me as I was when I was alive and kicking not how I may or may not be when I'm dead or dying.....And Janis, my dear friend, if I could I would send you flowers from me to enjoy every day before you can't enjoy them.......I wish I had thought to do that before Kbug passed but I know she understands......Love you all more than you know.........

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  • pattih
    pattih Member Posts: 631
    edited March 2010

    I recently went to two funerals. Both passed way too young 53 and 60. One a very simple memorial service at a funeral home. FIL was cremated, 3 songs, Reverend preached for 20 minutes, 1 person spoke for 5 minutes and I gave a rocking eulogy for 7 1/2 minutes. Yes, I timed myself. With the exception of the Rev.'s 20 min. spiel on being saved it's the way I want mine. Pictures and reminiscing and more food.

    The other funeral was beautiful. Full blown Catholic with a layout and visitation, funeral the next day then the internment at the cemetery. This was how I was raised BTW. I was only at half of it and was emotionally exhausted. I can't imagine my husband and two kids having to go through that . So I wrote a "my thoughts on funerals" report . Nothing too concrete as I stated that it was for them and what they wanted but not to go all $10,000 casket. Save the $$ for their college.

    A friend of mines grandmother passed. She was in hospice and it was a huge family. Grandma loved game shows! The whole family 20+ gathered for her final hours. Ironically her favorite game show was on when she passed so the whole family sat and watched Jeopardy one more time with her before calling hospice. I thought it was great.

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  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited March 2010

    no, no death watch, but I would like to have friends and family around ...not to look at me or entertain me, or even talk nonstop, but to hang about chatting, remembering, just being there working on knitting or crossword puzzles. .... what ever seems right and appropriate at the moment. I also want to be left alone, quiet time with those special to me. I hope people will celebrate my life, the good, the bad and the ugly and the silly. sharing with those who mght not know that particular story...a really wonderful cocktail party.

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  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited March 2010

    Here is a link to the Advanced Planning Tool Kit prepared by the American Bar Association.  It really helps one thing of the little things as well as the obvious.  There is even a section on how to discuss things with family and how to be certain family actually understands ones wishes.

    http://www.abanet.org/aging/toolkit/

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