Promise me..

Fitztwins

When it is my "time", please don't do a death watch? No posts and candles for prayers...if you do anything just funny stories..

no, I am not on my last leg, this has just be weighing on my mind.

Janis

thinking of debman.

Rico

Fitz, are you okay?

Fitztwins

I am fine! Just watching as other women get to this point. I just don't want it. =0)

no worries. I am a planner! trying to control EVERYthing in my life.

elliem1207

janis,

that's an unfair request. you know that is what we do. you are well liked and respected on these boards and we will do it anyways. it's just the way it is.

ellie

xx

Alpal

Elliem, was your reply to Janis in jest? I hope so. If not, it just says "We'll do what makes us feel good and to hell with what you want". Janis, if I thought I was going to be around when your time comes, I'd promise to stick up for your wishes. Too bad, that I'm 62 and since you'll be living a looong time, I'm afraid I won't be here. BUT - I'll help you haunt anyone who didn't do as you requested!

konakat

I understand what Ellie is saying -- that we need to express our sadness when someone we know is dying.  I also can understand not wanting the vigil bit -- simply a lighting candles, prayers.  A thread of memories, of "did Janis really say that...", or "Janis helped me with....", "I loved that thread she started....".  That would be more of a celebration of all things Janis.  Lots of swearing and beoching too.

Does this sound good Janis? 

Elizabeth

xox

Member_of_the_Club

I promise to only post if I've been drinking.  Does that make it OK?

elliem1207

alpal,

i didn't mean any disrespect to janis. i would respect anyone's wishes

janis,

if i offended you i'm sorry.  there are alot of women on this website who need to say prayers, and light candles because this is how they deal with their fears,sadness, grief, and i think some of these women would do the "death vigil" as you call it, not out of disrespect for you, but because it's what they need to do to cope. that's all i meant. 

ellie

xx                          

Annie62

Janis-

I agree that I wouldn't want a death vigil.  I find the vigils and daily checking in during final days to be a little creepy. I understand that the posters want the families to know that their loved ones are not forgotten by us, but one post with a memory or to reach out to them is all I would want. I think prayers are great for those who have expressed a spiritual or religious life, but not every one feels the same. I don't post much anymore, but I do read, especially posts by people I remember from when i was first dx. I don't post on these threads unless the person had a personal impact on me or they might remember me. I really hate the posts that say "I didn't know so and so, but I hope ....". If there were few  posts, that would be a nice gesture, but if there are already dozens of posts from people our sister knew from these boards or chat, what does that add for the family or our sister? It seems only for the benefits of the person writing it.

I don't mean to start a rumpus with this post, but this has been on my mind but didn't feel I should post it as I'm stage iiic, not iv.

Annie 

ElaineD

I rarely post now Janis, but this thread echoes my sentiments. I would hope that your wishes are respected (and that the need to respect them is a long way distant yet!) I too find the long vigil type threads bewildering, and they likely comfort the posters more than the recipient, who after all is too ill by that point to view the threads. Surely if members need to light a candle, a real one is more apt? This can be done quietly and with respect either in the poster's place of worship, or in their own homes. Alternatively, perhaps the prayer/vigil type of threads should be placed in the relevant section, rather than on the stage 1V board, where non participants may feel guilty for their lack of input.It's just a matter of etiquette really, but an important one.

GracieM2007

Fitz...absolutely, if that is what you want.  Although like everyone else, I think that time is WAY, way away.

Fitztwins

Drunken posts always accepted. MOTC.

Ellie, I was not offended.

Maybe it is comforting to others, but to me, it seems ...I don't have words to describe it. 

SandyAust

Ok then Janis.  I will just eat a really good sandwich in your honour.

....if I still have my teeth by then.

CapeBretongirl

I promise (((Janis)))            xoxoxAngel

Fitztwins

Sandy, thank you.

May we both have dentures before I go....................

Enjoy every sandwich!! xo

3katz

Fitz - gotta agree with you about the vigil. And you don't need to describe it - we get it. But playing devil's advocate here (& I mean NO disrespect): you have touched the lives of so many people on BCO and people really care about you. So it is natural they will want to "keep watch" 'cuz they have no control either. I do sincerely hope your wishes are respected - & I think they will be. But people express their sorrow in many different ways. I'm one that doesn't keep watch, I don't send prayers due to lack of religion, but do wish the best for people. And I always raise my glass . . .

Besides - echoing the sentiments of others . . . that time is a long way off.

2timer

Some of the posters here are more well known and post more than others so if they disappear for a while people start to wonder what's going on.  This is why Timtam started her contact page.  If someone is in hospice or dying or whatever and they've been around a while it's only natural for people to show their concern.  And they only way they can do it here is through their posts (and possibly card showers).  When I called Stephanie these past few weeks, it was clear that she wasn't going to be logging on and it was also clear that her neither her family nor friends would be logging on to read the posts either.  But I knew there were people here who cared about Stephanie and were wondering how she was doing.  And Stephanie was kind enough to leave her contact information on Timtams site.

People need to express themselves and these boards are a lifeline to many women (and men) affected by this disease.  Maybe some people consider certain threads to be "vigils" but I think of them as a way for people to get some kind of closure.  How many times has there been a thread on someone who hasn't posted in a while?  Ok, I'm running on and it's probably because I'm feeling defensive about starting a thread on Stephanie when she was in hospice.  I never meant it to be a vigil; I was worried and I wanted to share the information I got with others.

I respect your opinions and your wishes.

hollyann

Janis, I will light a candle now and pray for a long time til your time and all my other stage 4 sisters....I don't know about any body else but I have had it with losing all these beautiful sisters....I am praying for a cure for all!......I am realistic enough to know that stage 4 is the last stage but I have met a couple of stage 4 women who have been that way for at least 10 years and are till kicking.....I didn't ask how ...I was just happy to hear they were ok for the time being and getting on with life.....I will respect your wishes Janis on the no vigil wanted, BUT I am also praying that time is many many years in the future.........You mean too much to too many women and men on these boards.....

sjack, please don't feel defensive.....What you did was a kind gesture and it helped alot of us say goodbye to Steph when we couldn't say it straight to her.......I for one appreciated it......I will miss Steph so much......If any body needs the address to send her family a card at the funeral home please PM me......

spar2

I promise Janis also, maybe a maxine post a week.  Just do us a favor and hang around.

Well put hollyann and so glad you are back safe from your trip!

dmacw

Janis I will be long gone before you but if I am I'll bitch up a storm and swig some wine or tequila down.

Donna

Analemma

Way to go, Janis.  Thanks for bringing this out into the open.  Greg and I were talking about this a couple of weeks ago, how it seems such a primitive thing to do, keeping a vigil, and the irony of doing it by internet just cracks me up.  The thought of the death vigil, like we've had several of recently, just weirds me out.  I've told my sons, don't hang around the house with droopy faces, tell jokes, horseplay, just like you do.  I've made it a point to talk about it in casual conversation.  I do make jokes about it.  After all, dying is a pretty ordinary thing, when you look at the whole plant and animal kingdom, they don't make much of it.

riverinerabbit

I am not sure what a vigil is ? But all I know is an acknowledgement from my husband to you all to say I've gone will be all that I could wish for.

X 

p.s. I am on palliative care. 

ElaineD

It seems like quite a few of us feel this way, river. "Vigil" seems to be a thread posted when someone is at the end, and people daily post "thinking/praying for you comments". It certainly makes me uneasy too.

Fitztwins

I equate it to a death watch. When one of us takes a turn for the worst, and people come out of the woodwork to post for us.

My DH will not post when I am gone. I have to leave that to my friend.

riverinerabbit

Janis, I've been reading your posts in the palliative/hospice care forum, and what concerns me, is you are spending too much time worrying. To my knowledge, you've not been given those final words yet," sorry, there's nothing we can do for you any more." It's a different stage of this journey, and you are trying to anticipate and you cannot. I am there, its not somewhere I wish on any one. So stay away from worrying about this and live in the now.

I am very straightforward as you know, and this forum is not for you right now.

With love and respect.

River 

  

riverinerabbit

Janis, I've been reading your posts in the palliative/hospice care forum, and what concerns me, is you are spending too much time worrying. To my knowledge, you've not been given those final words yet," sorry, there's nothing we can do for you any more." It's a different stage of this journey, and you are trying to anticipate and you cannot. I am there, its not somewhere I wish on any one. So stay away from worrying about this and live in the now.

I am very straightforward as you know, and this forum is not for you right now.

With love and respect.

River 

  

Fitztwins

Thanks River. I worry, but I am more of a control freak that has to plan everything out! I know it wont matter once I am gone to me, but I just can't help myself! 

vivo

Eleane I couldn't understand what the vigil is...and I was trying so hard to understand what Janis was tallking about. So Janis it is true that whoever becomes a member of this forum remembers FOR EVER the "ONES" that are:

always mentaly close to us without even trying 

laconic but really usefull in advices

trustworthy for suggestions

intra power that makes one feel sure about the quality of the forum

You are a gifted person that really can touch the hearts of others from so many miles away (don't get embarrashed). So as a gifted person one can distinguish you from the crowd.You cannot do anything to change it. I don't hide you that I was stronly thinking of you when last week got back in the posts here. Is it bad?Every time you post is like a sunbeam and I was wishing you could answer my questions. Sorry if it is annoying but it is true. I want you to be good and all the others is nothing for me.

vivo

I just wanted to add our lihes are not soapoperas... Janis

vivo

lives not lihes

Analemma

My brother in law is in hospice, he found out he has gastric cancer just a few days before Christmas, and has an inoperable intestinal blockage.  My husband went to see him today, and said that there were almost twenty people in the room, even though his brother is unconscious.   Is this typical?  I certainly don't want this kind of vigil  when I'm dying.  I didn't know if this is what we do, never having been involved in  watching someone die.  I really don't want a room full of people watching, with me in the center.  It seems such an invasion of privacy.  Am I wrong in feeling this way?