How to stop being mad

bejuce · February 2010

Does any of you have any tips on how to stop being mad at this disease? I'm sitting here in my office trying to get some work done but I'm having a hard time concentrating. I was getting to the peak of my career and now feel like I'm back to the bottom of the totem pool.

I am mad that breast cancer has robbed me of my career dreams, and I am mad that I can't have full control of how the disease will/will not take over my life in the years to come.

I am mad that breast cancer has robbed me of my ability to enjoy the simple things in life with the same innocence I had before.

I am mad that I have to be thinking about my mortality at 39 with 3 little ones at home.

I am mad that my husband feels more financial pressure because of the loss of income when I went to disability and that we won't be able to realize all of our goals.

I am mad that breast cancer has interfered in my ability to live freely without worrying whether I'll be here in 5 years.

I am mad that breast cancer has altered my relationship with some family members and friends.

I am mad at my body for failing.

I am mad when I see people with clearly more unhealthy habits than mine but yet are not hit with cancer or other life altering diseases like me.

I am mad that I am be headed for menopause much earlier than planned and that my sex life has changed.

I am mad that I can't see life with the same eyes again.

I am mad that breast cancer has put doubts on my faith.

I am mad that God, saints, angels, and other spiritual powers-at-be could not have stopped this from happening.

I am mad, mad, mad.

Any suggestions for getting out of this madness? \

Is time the only cure? When will I stop feeling this way? When will I go back to enjoying life the same way as before? Or is that too much to ask? When will I stop looking at dreadful stats and thinking that I'm doomed? When will I stop thinking that a recurrence is just around the corner from me? How do I go on at work? Everything takes much longer for me than it used to, I can't seem to focus anymore. How do I stay positive?

lkc · February 2010

Hi Honey, Yes it will get better the further out you are. Anger is good I think. It means you're in for the fight

.All in all it sucks, it's random ,and no one is to blame for getting this crappy disease. There is no explanation, no reasoning. The best is to get through treatment anyway you can, and beleive that you will be OK.

I absolutely was reeling from my dx initially , and wondered if I ever would be the same. I can say I am not the same, but I am sooo much better. You will be too.

Be kind to yourself. You will be around to see your little ones grow up.

janincanada · February 2010

Everyone is different, but I'll March 26th will be two years since I was diagnosed. I never feel doomed when I look at the statistics, I do have some anxious moments and then remind myself that these are guidelines. I fully intend to be one of the ones that beats the odds. I've had scares about reoccurences and my DH reminds me that I handled chemo once with grace and humour so I can do it again if I need to. A few of my close friends have struggled with mets, cone chose no further treatment, one rads only and one chose to have the chemo even when she knew she wasn't strong enough for it. I know in my heart that I would take every treatment offered to me if I reoccur.

I'm jumping around a bit in the order of your post because that's how my mind works now. I know of some women who have been perscribed meds for ADHD to help them concentrate. It might be something that would help you unless you feel that the source of your lack of concentration is anxiety. If Anxiety is the cause then you could try meditation and yoga. It has been invaluable for me, I feel more confident and less anxious.

I don't see life the same way any more, but the change is positive not negative. I appreciate my life, my friends, my family, my health. I truly mean my health because there are many things that I can do and I value my health more now. I exercise, generally eat well and take care of myself. Before BC it was easy to work long hours and put others before myself most of the time. Now I value my life and am doing what I need to be healthy. Before BC I took many things for granted.....now I wake up each day energized (mostly) and happy.

With regards to your sex life, cancer has improved my sex life. My partner and I value each day that we have together and what was pretty darn good has become wonderful.

My innocence may be gone, but it is replaced with a deep sense of appreciation and joy.

I hope that you can move beyond your anger. I hate cancer with a passion and wish that we could eradicate this disease. But it does not consume me or define me.

Texas357 · February 2010

For me, anger was also part of the process. I still get angry sometimes because I sure wish things were back to the "old normal" instead of this new one. Remember this isn't a race. You aren't obligated to find a way to be happy on command. Give yourself time to find your bearings, to brace yourself for the fight to regain as much of yourself and your life as possible. Be gentle with yourself as you learn ways to cope.

Along my journey, I have discovered many blessings. People I never knew cared, for example. I've learned to identify those blessings more quickly and to cherish them more deeply. I have learned what it is truly like to live out loud because living any other way is a waste of precious time.

Of course none of us wants to be in this position. But as Jan said, there are opportunities to find joy. I wish that for you!

everyminute · February 2010

I thing anger is one of the stages of grief - and we are grieving for what we lost. I TRY (not always successfully) to see what I have gained and what I have vs. what I have lost and will never get back. I usually do a pretty good job of that - I really do love my life and I fully intend to live it to the very last second - that being said I had a really tough moment today when I realized that I can not do a boot camp class - that may seem silly but it just really pisses me off that I can't do a stupid exercise class and that I am LIMITED.

So - I hear you. Time does, in my case anyway, make it better but it is just under the surface I guess...

Kodapants · February 2010

Bejuce;

Thank you for putting words to my feelings, I completely understand how you feel and know life will never be the same, I can't even think straight half the time. For me a part of me died the day I was diagnosed. I just maneuver through this maze called breast cancer.

Peace

Cowgirl13 · February 2010

Bejuce, it seems to me that you have really stepped up, shown up and marched on with a very positive attitude (i sometimes see your posts on the HER2 board). Also, didn't you just finish a study with a difficult protocol? I think you're anger is appropriate and its important to feel it and then it weill be easier to let go of.

I was in a real 'mad' today--I am still on disability and they were not able to hold my job. I have just started the process of looking for a job and the feelings that come up are really uncomfortable. I feel a lot of anger.

cherneski · February 2010

I hear ya. I am mad a lot too. But anger drives me. I HATE THIS DISEASE!

A few things that you mentioned that I have thought and how I try to think now.

I am mad that I have to be thinking about my mortality at 39 with 3 little ones at home. I have the advantage to realize each day of life is a gift, rather than zone out to the TV I get on the floor coloring, being ridiculous with my kids making real memories. Most ppl take each day for granted.
I am mad that breast cancer has put doubts on my faith.

I am mad that God, saints, angels, and other spiritual powers-at-be could not have stopped this from happening. The devil and his gang are hard at work, of course they want you to doubt God. Don't let them win. God is a Mighty God and he loves you! Just because you got sick does not mean he wasnt watching you. The war between demons and Angels is always going on, help your Angel out by continuing to have faith. Screw the devil.

I am mad that my husband feels more financial pressure because of the loss of income when I went to disability and that we won't be able to realize all of our goals. Money is just paper. Yes we need it, but really think about it. How much do we really NEED? Yes we want the comforts. I know if I had to really had to I could survive on much less than I have right now. As long as I can put food on the table, have electric, heat and a roof I am better than a good amount of ppl in the world.

But like I said before I get it. I really do. There seem to be so many women that don't get as angry as me. I hate cancer, I hate this disease. I hate that it is a big freaking bully that picks on everyone from little kids to old people. I hate the uncertainty that comes with it. I hate that at the age of 4, 5, 14, and 18 my children have learned first hand the pain that comes along with it. I feel your pain. All I can say is we are all here for you and we can lean on each other.

Hugs Deb

echosalvaje · February 2010

YES.YES.YES.....you've nailed it bejuce! All those things and more! But I noticed today while laying on a massage table having a loving and tender practitioner working her magic on me that as I arrive at my one year cancerversary, I am noticing less time spent being mad. Less time being filled with fear (oh no, it's not gone by any means) but I am truly living in the moment. I am breathing in gratitude for the time my treatment has given me and the knowledge that if or when I have to battle this demon again, I won't be alone. This disease has shown me where the grace in me lives. Unlike many others on these threads, I don't place my faith in any particular brand of God. I do know that I don't walk alone and unfortunately it took having BC to show me the truth in that.

Another thing I have noticed recently is the honesty around my condition. There is a back and forth for me about not wanting to talk to people about my cancer and then REALLY wanting to talk about my cancer. Hating that I still have my port in and secretly hoping people notice it because it's my badge of honor. There is a "hey, look at me, I'm doing cancer!" vein coursing through my mind and body. When I get real honest about what I do with that it's embarrassing.....but it's truth. And the truth I discovered today while laying on that massage table is that I am letting go of my ego around people noticing, and that's a good thing. I am happy to see myself not care if no one sees what I'm going through. And to me this means I am sincerely moving on. I am thrilled when I notice that there is something else to focus on besides BC and I love when I can look back over a few days and realize that I didn't think about it once.

Mad? You bet! Fearful? Yep, that too. Not letting it rule me, FINALLY!

apple · February 2010

i just think of my friends and family with horrid disability.. mental retardation, paralysis, blindness and feel that i have it good.

we get a life and use it

diana50 · February 2010

i think that what you are feeling makes sense. there is a point where it seems to really surface...usually after treatment...and once you begin to feel a little better and try to get back to your "old ' life.

well, i am 8 years out. i have to say i have gone through so many emotions...so many feelings and "states" of being. i have wanted to help people on these boards...by saying something that will help...but i also know that this is all kinda a process of time...healing...and acceptance.

i was at the top of my career when i was DX. doing international humanitarian work with children in eastern europe. so, i had to stop...i had to stop doing what i thought was so important...and focus on having a life-threatening disease. i could hardly deal with it. i was off work for 10 months which was horrible for me .

looking back, i have found a couple of things that have helped. : 1. acceptance that i am mortal. that i can die...that i need to live each day and be grateful for the day. sounds kinda weird but now, i really believe in this. 2. i realize that my relationships with my significant other...my family...are really vunerable. that anything can happen at any time. to me...or to them. with that in mind...i just really find joy in the "here and now:" without a lot of expectation for the future. 3. my faith in God, for me, and i know everyone has different beliefs...but i do believe in God and know eventually i will re connect with the people i love and who love me. that brings me peace.

i do each day. i have had close friends who have passed away from breast cancer. i still have hope that things will work out. i don't like this disease..i hate this disease. i hate it that it takes young mom's and grandmothers away from their loved ones. BUT, i don't give up. i try to do one good deed a day...to help others and to move me away from myself.

i am not afraid of cancer. i used to be. i used be angry...frustrated...hated everything about this. ...but, now...after these years...i have come to terms with this. i am glad to be alive today. i am glad i can cycle...can see my valley...can be with my loved ones....and that is all i have. just today. and for some reason..that works for me . it didn't used to...but now it does. i think time has helped.

please hang in there. there will be better days ahead. don't give up.

diana50

Claire_in_Seattle · February 2010

Dear Bejuce....

I think you are most mad about not being able to go back to where you were in life. And the short answer is "no you can't". But that is always true. Life goes on and we go in different directions.

I don't know how to get you to look forward to possibilities and not backwards to what once was. But that is where you need to go. This may be a career change to something more rewarding. Or a move to regain your place in another environment. You will get there.

The money will sort itself out. Hard on your husband, but others have it much harder.

I nearly got killed crossing a street in my 20s and since then have never taken life for granted. The three youngest children in my family and two other families all died before they were 25. So there are never any guarantees.

Before you complain too much about early menopause, I can tell you that PMS in your 40s is no bargain.

The challenge I would give you is not to look backwards but move forward first by figuring out how to be "better than ever". That is, to channel all that energy into creating a new and more meaningful life for yourself. I am sure you have the skills to do this. Also convinced that visioning is a critical part of the healing process.

My own recommendation would be to start with your sex life. I am blessed to have someone in my life who keeps me in lots of Os. I am sure that there are things that can help (lubricant? more foreplay? hot undergarments?). Equally sure that your husband will be thrilled to help in any way he can.

BTW - don't try to do this with a house full of prying children.....arrange a "date night".

This could also be a quick win for you to start the ball rolling in other areas.

Good luck. - Claire

carol1949 · February 2010

Bejuice, You made a great start at getting over being mad! Write down your feelings, just as you did.... keep a daily journal of your most private thoughts. I actually kept 2 journals... one of the bad feelings and then I burned them and just gave them to the Universe! Try at least each day to write down and/or say at least 3 positive statements, affirmations, or anything that speaks to your heart. Believe that you can be healed, cuz you can!!!

I have a dear friend who is a 12 year bc survivor who did it totally holistically and she was inspirational to me in this thing.

I also would encourage you to read Donna Deegan's book - Through Rose Colored Glasses. She is about your age and is a 3 x survivor! You can Google her and read about her. She is a news anchor from Jax, FL.

I am so fortunate, that I have an oncologist who uses the word " cure".

You can be healed, and you deserve to be healed. I also found the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay to be very helpful.

Whatever speaks to your heart.... music, dancing, prayer, anything, but just like the Bible says, Whatever is good, think on these things! None of us are going to get out of this life alive! Yet, none of us have an expiration date stamped on our feet.

Peace and Love sent to you, my dear!

KerryMac · February 2010

Wow, there are some great responses here.

I think it is normal and even healthy to be mad as hell. What has happened to all of us is hugely unfair. It is. But then life is unfair. All sorts of terrible things happened to people every day. And you know, worse things could have happened to us. We still have our lives, we still have our mental functioning, we can still see, we can walk.

Yes, cancer takes a lot. Our lives have changed forever, for no good reason. But you do need to learn how to go forward with what you still have.

I still have anger about all of this, I am not saying I don't, but like others have said above, I try to think of what I still have (happy, healthy kids, loving husband, comfortable home, nice life etc) and what I have gained (friendships, deeper appreciation for life, etc) rather than what I have lost.

Whenever the "why me's" strike, I remind myself that we never ask ourselves "why me" about the good things life has given us - why were my kids born healthy, when others aren't; why was I born in a wealthy country, with every opportuntiy, when others aren't; why do I have access to the best medical care in the world, when others don't.

If you think that your anger is interferring with your life, and becoming consuming, I would suggest maybe get some counselling. I know it helped me.

Give yourself some time, and concentrate on all the good things you still have in your life. It will get better!

Pure · February 2010

My husband was diagnoesed 3 weeks after we were married. He lost his job and we went broke.

5 days after returning home from Chicago celebrating 10 years of being cancer free-I was diagnosed.

I was mad-soo mad. I am not anymore. I think I just understand now that horrible things happen. That I was never innocent. God doesn't make these things happen but he surly can give us the strength to handle these events.

When I get down I think of those who have children going through cancer and I thank God for my blessings

My son came to me yesterday and said, " I think God knows exactly what is going to happen in life-that it's all laid out" AKA God has a plan. I was inspired by him saying that-being 9 and hating church he sure did seem to hit it on the button. I know I have to have faith in that.

Life marches on..... So will you.

Pure · February 2010

Also-Deb-excellent post-you nailed it!

apple · February 2010

may you have a strong foundation when the winds of change shift

this song is so nice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P22cMZFvJAs

lexislove · February 2010

Now, I know most might not believe me when I say this....but I was never "mad".

I did feel extreme fear and sadness though. I even decided on taking a low dose of Effexor for 6 months to help me out a year ago.

I can see why you would be mad though. I really can.

I think with any strong feeling....it just the time thing. Time heals it really...really does. And your husbands credit card to shop..lol Tongue out

bejuce · February 2010

Thank you, thank you, thank you, wonderful women of this board for your words of encouragement and support - they meant the world to me. This journey is like being in a constant seesaw, with its ups and downs, ups and downs.

Yesterday I was down and frustrated as I'm headed into surgery tomorrow to remove my gallbladder (found out I have gallstones after my Valentine's dinner) and am confused as to whether I should do an oomph at the same time. I was also down because we have been thinking about moving closer to work and the cancer center, but can't really afford the house we want because of the temporary loss of income. I was also down that something my husband said made me realize that deep down he (and his family) feel ashamed of my disease. I was also down that I can't please the people at work like I used to as I can't work at the same pace as before (at least not yet).

But today, after reading your messages, I'm feeling better and strong for my surgery tomorrow, hoping that it'll be as simple and easy as it sounds.

Thank you so much!!!

Marcia

blondie45 · February 2010

bejuce - VERY well said. I could not have said it better. I am also struggling big time right now and can't get over the anger. I bought a book Mind Body Prescription or something like that and have just started reading it but hope it will give me some helpful info. My herceptin was stopped after being on it for 6 months. It has turned my world upside down. I was doing fine counting down days/weeks left to this summer and the entire game plan has changed. I think somehow we need to take it day by day and not look so much to the future but I wish I knew how to tell you to do that. I need to learn that myself at this point.

lava · February 2010

I think being angry is normal. I also think being angry wastes time, i.e. your life. One thing that helps me is simply to watch the daily news and see all the people who have worse trouble than me. Also, I was a pediatric hospital pharmacist who cared for kids with cancer. I saw many cancer kids die. Enough said.

KerryMac · February 2010

Marcia - hope it goes well tomorrow.

Diana63 · February 2010

I just wanted to say you ladies are amazing, no matter how or what I an feeling I can come here and read something and feel better. I feel so blessed to know you even if its just in cyber space. I told my husband the other night without all of you I would drive him up the wall. Anyway I luvs my BC ladies Laughing

Bejuce, All of these ladies hit the nail on the head, its ok to be mad it helps you fight.

Stand

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Rascal Flatts

gfbaker · February 2010

Marcia,

I am an earlier stage than you, but I get a lot of the issues you had brought up. I was 38 also with a 10 month and 2 1/2 year old. I was so pissed, so scared. How could this happen to healthy me?

Flash forward to now, and I still have moments I'm not thrilled about the situation. I have lost my innocence, but now I am more focused on being happy about the things I do have. No one has a guarantee on long life, I just know that better than most. Even though I got cancer, I also got a loving, wonderful husband, 2 adorable children. Not everyone who is cancer free has a good life. I guess I figure that if nothing else, cancer can't have my happiness too.

Good luck on finding the right path for you. I wish you peace and happiness.

clariceak · February 2010

Marcia - You're so right. It is like being on a seesaw. I hope your surgery goes well.

Overall, I don't feel angry. I was pissed about the medical care I received in the beginning but channeled that anger into advocating for changes in breast cancer screening at the local hospital. I have found that if I channel my anger and frustration into a cause that might benefit more people it helps me cope.

And I don't think why me. It's more why not. I survived some statistically improbable life threatening situations when I was younger which made me realize bad things don't just happen to other people. Surviving a gun to my head and two fishing boat sinkings gave me the extra years to have a family that I adore. I'm grateful for that.

Bugs · February 2010

I had anger. Lots of anger. I guess the only thing that has helped me is to get through it and realize that these feelings are completely normal. Time. Time is the biggest help of all.

jenn3 · February 2010

I've never been angry......... I know it sounds strange, but I have not experienced the anger part of this disease. I've been mad or upset at different situations, but not the disease. I've also been afraid.......... have been sad at times..............and had some self pity days, but not real anger towards the disease. I don't know if it's because of the struggles we've been through in the past that helped put things into a different perspective, I'm just out of anger or if I just haven't reached that point. We all experience this the same and yet differently..............

Bejuce - I am glad you're feeling better now, but am still sending (((HUGS))) you way, we all need them from time to time.

apple · February 2010

thinking about you Marcia.. wishing you a turn toward the up and up (as they say here in KS)

ananda8 · February 2010

deleted

karen1956 · February 2010

I didn't get angry until after I finished Tx.....and still haven't quite gotten over being angry....BC has taken so much away from me.....one day, hopefully, I will get through the anger and all the stages of grief.....

ananda8 · February 2010

I look at all of the suffering in the world and anger about my cancer doesn't arise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnECh6dC4Cw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I2-xZrm_MM

How to stop being mad

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