Anyone Else Feel This Way?

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YramAL
YramAL Member Posts: 1,651
edited June 2014 in Stage I Breast Cancer

Hi-

I was diagnosed with IDC in December, Stage I, and I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. My lymph nodes were all clear, and I had the Oncotype DX test with a result of 11, so I chose not to have chemo. I am currently doing radiation treatment. I have been very public with my friends, family, and coworkers about my diagnosis and treatment. They have all been wonderfully supportive.

My issue is this-people are always asking my how I am, and when I say that I am feeling fine, it seems like they don't believe me. I feel very fortunate in that my cancer was caught early, and I am feeling confident that my oncologists and I have chosen my treatment wisely, and so far, I have not had a lot of side effects with my treatment.

It's almost as if people are expecting me to feel/look sicker than I really am. I almost feel guilty that I don't feel worse! Perhaps I am in denial?

Mary

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  • Morgan513
    Morgan513 Member Posts: 664
    edited February 2010

    Mary--The same thing happened to me and I even did chemo.  I felt great, looked healthy and people just didn't get it.  I even had one friend ask me if I was in denial!  I think that there are misconceptions out there.  

    Just think at what a role model you are by being healthy and doing so well during treatment!

    Lorrie 

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  • idaho
    idaho Member Posts: 1,187
    edited February 2010

    Don't you dare feel guilty!  I dont know how old you are but a few years ago if you had cancer you looked like crap...  the end.  Everyone had chemo back then - no matter what - and that usually makes you look like crap.  I am so greatful that you are feeling well, and I am thankful that I looked the same during surgery and rads.  If you are in denial....  keep at it! I also think that people find it easier to grasp that you have cancer and help take care of you  if you look like crap. Weird but true!    Wishing you peace and health!   Tami

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited February 2010
    Lorrie is right! I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or look on me as a 'poor cancer victim' either, I just wanted them to think of me as 'me'. I did chemo and radiation and was fortunate to be able to keep working and keep up a pretty normal schedule throughout (and I didn't look like crap either, I might add Smile). I think those of us who can get through treatment 'OK' can be a good example to others; and if they end up facing the same thing, it will give them encouragement (if she could do it and be OK, I can too). One way I found of deflecting questions/comments about myself was to answer briefly, "I'm doing alright (or whatever)" and then start asking them questions about themselves, "How's your daughter?", "Where did you get that new sweater?", "How is the new job going?", etc. etc. As most people like to talk about themselves Wink, I could move the conversation in a different direction. Good Luck! Ruth
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  • Tanyar
    Tanyar Member Posts: 29
    edited February 2010

    I am happy to hear that others have the same feelings.  I had a bmx April '09,with te reconstruction, elected not to do chemo.  Recovery was a struggle, just sitting for 5 weeks but as I explained prior to surgery, its just a speed bump in the road of life.  I am open about my surgery, recovery and reconstruction.  Electing to do dimensional art in lieu of nipple reconstruction I hope I can share with others facing the beast.  I feel God has chosen me to travel this journey to help someone else with theirs.  I am triple negative and know the chance of recurrence is high but will deal with it if it returns.

    PEACE be with all the sisters in battle and recovery.

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  • YramAL
    YramAL Member Posts: 1,651
    edited February 2010

    Thank you everybody-I guess I never really looked at it as me being a positive role model for other people going thru breast cancer. And Tami-you're right, years ago, if a person had cancer, they looked like crap and I think that people still think you should look like crap if you have cancer.

    I'm 50, BTW, and I told my oncologist's staff that I love it when they call me "young"!

    Mary

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  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 5,758
    edited February 2010

    Mary:

    Don't feel guilty, feel blessed that bc isn't taking over your whole life.  I had to get mx in Jan but was able to get back to work fairly early compared to others.  I have a phrase pasted all over the place at home and and my desk at work "may my blessings I enjoy help soften the pain of sorrow and convert tears to joy and appreciation".  Be thankful!  Be joyful!  You are alive! 

    My onco said chemo would only reduce my recurrance rate by 1% and not worth the risk.  He wouldn't have given it to me if I begged.  I'm just thankful for the OncoDX testing available now or I would have been through chemo. 

     Celebrate and feel good on your good days!  It may help someone you know who is diagnosed later on and you may touch someone's life without knowing it.

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  • YramAL
    YramAL Member Posts: 1,651
    edited February 2010

    bcincolorado-you're not kidding about being thankful for the OncotypeDX test. The first oncologist I saw recommended chemo because my tumor was over 1 cm-1.5 cm. to be exact. That was pretty much her only criteria for recommending chemo. The 2nd oncologist I saw(and the one I ultimately chose to go with) was the one who recommended I take the Oncotype test and I'm sure glad I did. I was mentally prepared to do chemo while I was waiting for the test results, so it was really strange to accept that fact that I didn't have to do it.

    I was 49 when I was diagnosed through a routine mammogram. I couldn't even feel my lump when I knew exactly where it was. I like to think that I am a prime example of why women should get mammograms starting at 40. 

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  • Susie123
    Susie123 Member Posts: 804
    edited March 2010

    I have a stage 1 grade 1 diagnosis. I work with the public where I see many who are not as fortunate as I have been so far (of course with BC that could change tomorrow). I do feel guilty. A few days ago, a sweet customer with a big smile on his face as he noticed that I was back at work and he was so happy for me. He knew all the questions to ask, you see his wife and daughter both died from BC. It suddenly went from a happy time at my diagnosis to a very sad one because or his wife and daughter. I know he had to be thinking, why couldn't my girls have been this lucky. I felt so bad for him, and I did feel so guilty..How do you deal with that?

    Susie 

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  • Raili
    Raili Member Posts: 435
    edited March 2010

    Mary, YES, it has been like that for me, too!!  So many similarities - I was dx'd in November, stage I grade II, lumpectomy & SNB (and 2 reexcisions), clear lymphs, about to start rads, great support from friends and fam.

    Sometimes I'll run into an acquaintance downtown, someone who knows me enough to have heard through the grapevine that I have BC, but who doesn't know me well enough to know what's really going on with me... and they'll ask, "How are you?" and when I say cheerfully, "Great, how are you?", they get this concerned look on their face and ask, "How are you FEELING?" or some other re-phrasing of the question, like they don't believe me that I'm great or don't think I understood the question.  Sometimes they stare at my chest for good measure.  I use Ruth's strategy of quickly shifting the focus of conversation!

    I occasionally have my days/moments when I am a crying mess, but I'd say 80% of the time, I really AM feeling optimistic, happy, healthy, and well!  And if/when you are feeling great, EMBRACE IT!! :)  Certainly there's no reason to feel guilty for it, and we're not in denial!  We are instead revolutionizing people's views of cancer, you know?  I've worked with kids for years and kids are a big part of my life.  Many of the local children know that I have cancer, and yet, I am still running around in the sunshine with them, playing and laughing like always, and it's great that they can see/know that while "cancer" is a big scary word, everyone's experience of cancer is clearly different, and I am still ME, still doing pull-ups on the playground bars...

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  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 5,758
    edited March 2010

    Susie123:  I work with someone whose 1st wife died from complications after developing BC.  She had invasive cancer when it was caught and the side effects of chemo actually caused her to develoip  a brain tumor and then after they dealt with that then she developed congestive heart failure.  He is a wonderful and caring person and realizes that everyone's journey is different through this medical nightmare.  I wasn't sure how to break the news in my office (it is very small) since his wife had died but he was so supportive and continues to be.  He has now re-married and his new wife is equally supportive and caring.  It is all different for all of us.  We all have different pain levels too.  Try not to feel guilty and be happy you are making it through the to the other side and a "normal" life again!

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  • HopeL
    HopeL Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2010

    My favorite response to, "Oh, I'm so sorry" was to turn it on them and ask, "WHAT? Did YOU do this to me?"

    Obviously, they hadn't, but once I started laughing, they laughed. A sense of humor goes a long way in dealing with folks that don't quite know what to say or what to expect from their friends with bc.

    I never walked around with the back of my hand on my forehead,, faining dramatic ailment but I met a few that did. Let's just say, I'm still here......

    BTW, no offense taken.. but, if you have chemo and look like crap, believe me, you really know when you've made it to the other side the day you eat yourself out of a pair of jeans and find yourself shopping for bigger ones! LOL!

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