SO HOW DO YOU FEEL??

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Anonymous
Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376

I'm really so tired of hearing this queston from EVERYBODY..........Family members who call, neighbors, friends, they all ask the same question.  So I spent the year in surgery, chemo, radiation, lost all my hair and was bald, lost my eyelashes, now my hair is growing back, and I'm obviously looking better, in fact that's the other thing I keep hearing  YOU LOOK GREAT!!  SO HOW DO YOU FEEL??  When they say this I really want to say how the F&%k do you think I feel?  Do you really want to know or do you just want me to say "Fine"?? 

So much goes on him my head about this cancer thing and my new reality and all that we go thru here, but I am just so done with answeing this question all the time.  I wish I had a witty comeback without sounding too rude.image

Barb

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Comments

  • tamlyn110
    tamlyn110 Member Posts: 195
    edited February 2010

    Barb- I know how you feel. Mine is always You look good and How are you doing. I am so sick of answering those questions too.

     I know they think they should be asking us these questions but do they REALLY want to know or are they just being polite?

    Hopefully someone will come up with that witty comeback for us............

  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited February 2010

    I was asking my sister-in-law the Question, 

    HOW ARE YOU DOING, HOW IS YOUR HEALTH..... 

    She was shocked......Well, funny question coming from you, -so she told me.

    its like, I have lost the right to ask people about their health, but mine is suppose to be on display known to everyone.   She never phoned back BTW, -----ok with me. ( and my husband) 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Mamita49 ~  I luv it!  Your SIL must have been totally put off by your question.  I'm going to try that one.

    If she never phoned back, maybe she really wasn't that concerned about how you really feel.

  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited February 2010

    Speaking of Sister In Laws, I saw mine over the weekend (Husbands brothers wife).

    It hasn't been that long since we saw them (Xmas) but she was looking at my hair and said "wow, it is really curly." In a sort of ewww yuck way....then she said "well, how do you feel about that?" I'm thinking Really?? After everything I have gone through, the fact that I have curly hair is supposed to upset me?? It is hair, I used to be bald you stupid woman, it could have grown in pink polka dots and I would be happy.

    Ahh, feel better now. 

    Yep, some people are just stupid. 

  • jteach
    jteach Member Posts: 199
    edited February 2010

    Oh my gosh!  I totally understand!!!  How about the "How are you doing" question while looking at your chest?  Stupid doesn't begin to describe the audacity.  And it's WOMEN that do this!!! 

  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited February 2010

    Kerry........

     No words, LOL

    You are great...........

  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited February 2010

    Hi there Barb!

    Yeah, I've been getting the "you look awesome" "you look like a superstar" thing lately.  I sure as hell don't feel like it!  And even with makeup on I still feel very VERY BALD!!!!  I don't care if I have a wig on (which I don't wear very often)! 

    I guess really you can't blame people though, I mean what are they going to say---"you look like s&#t"!  No, I don't think so.  But it does get wearing at times when you don't believe it yourself!

    Hope all is well with you!  Any cute foster Danes lately?????

    Sharon :)

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited February 2010

    My reaction is according to who asks. If it's someone I know really is concerned so I answer honestly. If it's not, I just answer as  it's asked, "How are you?"  "Fine, thanks, and; you?" like they asked a polite social question.

    Stops them in their tracks.

    Leah

  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited February 2010

    Seems like there are 3 categories of people who ask these questions.

    First - "How are you doing" who are really thinking "I know I have to ask this question to be polite because this person is sick but I really, really don't want them to to answer the question. I don't want to know anything about this."

    Second - "How are you doing" who are really thinking "I sure hope they tell the straight skinny on how bad it all is so I can pass on to everyone else that I talked to the sick person and she confided to me how terrible it all is.  Boy I'm glad my life is better than hers!"

    Then there's the last group who really want to know and want to give support anyway they can.  I was surprised by a co-worker who not only asked how I was doing but then told me "You're my hero."  My response back was blunt - "Give me a break.  You don't mean that!".  But we started talking and he really did mean it.  This was coming from a guy who has met his goal of running a marathon in every state.  At times that meant running two marathons in a long weekend.  Now he picks his marathons and does the 80 and 100 mile races.  And he admires me?  Turns out he admires all the women going through this.  His Dad died of cancer without telling anybody or even trying to fight it.  So he looks at what we are going through and appreciates how we face it and fight it for our families. 

  • Let-It-Be
    Let-It-Be Member Posts: 325
    edited February 2010

    Kerry the "eww yuck" is killing me!  LOL!

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited February 2010

    I've always felt good and have this cute little "gooood"  ready to pop out.  I don't offer any more info and the conversation usually ends after they tell me how cute my hair is.  I was bald for a long time.. like 18 months.

  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited February 2010

    Funny - my boss sent me an email once a week through treatment that said "You are my hero" and the first day I came in without my wig he said "That's HOT!"  He was the last person I would have expected that from - you just never know.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Kerry ~ Yeah!  I know!! right? How the hell are you supposed to feel about that>  Your hair is growing back and healthy.  Mine is growing back so curly too.  I hate when they laugh though.  My daughter does.  But she's a hair designer.

    Pupfoster~ Your right about that, noone is going to tell you that you look like S%$#T.  But it does get old when they keep telling you how "cute" you look.  And yes I have seen some cute Danes lately,  I went to the Pet Expo to volunteer at the MAGDRL table! happy dog with bone  

    It was a great time!

    Apple ~ That cute little "good works too".

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010
    Oh and another thing that drives me nuts is DH's cousin.  Every time he comes over he looks straight at my chest and asks,  "so are you all done with the reconstruction surgeries yet"?  He is just so obnoxious because he really thinks he's showing concern.  I just want to slap him!
  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited February 2010

    I think that there are those who really care and those that want the inside scoop.  The ones that want the inside scoop I either answer with a short "I'm fine"  or tell them straight up "I don't let my mind go to place you're asking about". The ones that care I'll give them the truth - having a good day, bad day, blah, blah, blah.  I get tired of it.............. and I sometimes wish they would just leave me alone, but I guess it's human nature.  Then.......... there are those who have to keep reminding me of my short hair, curls and how it's growing in almost every day - those are the ones that are really bugging me.  Yesterday it seemed everyone had to tell me the hair on the crown of my head was slightly sticking up.  Really???? Like I didn't know it..... There isn't much I can do with it so I leave it alone.  But.......... I haven't said anything mean yet because I know they mean well. 

  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited February 2010

    too cool, Sherri,

    I love your smart answer. I would have probably standing there with my mouth wide open......... 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2010

    Sherri ~ Good comeback.  Yep there are those times I just feel like slamming them with the whole picture, but then I don't want to hurt their feelings for showing concern.  Especially when you know they mean well.  But they just don't even have a clue. 

    I've been reading over some of the other threads and some of them are making me feel like this whole subject is just so trivial compared to what some are going thru right now.  I just read somthing over on Stage IV and now I'm thinking my issue over people asking how I feel is  nothing compared to what someone there is dealing with.  Anyway thanks everyone for all of your support.  I luv you all.

    image

    Barb

  • cherneski
    cherneski Member Posts: 726
    edited February 2010

    Kerry I think you should get an award for not BI#$@ Slapping her!  OMG!  REALLY.

    Anacortes~ I so agree, I had an old girlfriend come in contact with me in the middle of chemo, I trusted in her and at first she seemed like a God send.  UMMM NOPE she really just wanted to get the scoop, help in a slight way so that she could say she helped, she started offering to help coordinate meals and such with  my family and friends, then would tell me how no one would help her, come to find out she never returned anyones calls.  She was just a glory hog.  Yep done with her.  She still calls me, I just dont answer anymore.  No time for HS games.

    Sherry~ Very nice I like it.

    Barb~ It is all important to us at different points in time.  We can still sweat the small stuff cause it gets so freaking annoying and overwhelming.  But when it is time to drop everything and help a sister out we do.  No second thoughts it is automatic.  That is where we have the advantage on the average Jane.  Dont ever feel bad about your feelings, they are yours.  We have all lost so much to this damn disease dont give it that too.  Love ya

  • Billynda
    Billynda Member Posts: 121
    edited February 2010

    I seriously just get sick of hearing myself complain.  I think that's what I'm going to start telling people.  When they ask I just say fine, and then for some reason it seems that everyone asks but how do you really feel.  In my situation, although I have been known to be a bit naive sometimes, I think the people who ask really are sincere so I wouldn't want to say something mean or even just to shut them up.  I think they'd understand though if I just said I'm doing ok, I just really am sick of hearing myself complain about it.

    And Kerry - the last 3 posts I have read from you on diff threads have made me really LOL:)  I really would be ecstatic if my hair came in with pink polka dots!!!  :)  That would be awesome!

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2010

    Yeah, one of my neighbors saw me yesterday and looked at my chest then at my head and said "you look cute"   Ugggg,  I just let it roll off. 

    image

    Barb

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited March 2010

    ha ha... i just came back from the petstore.. had to buy some bugs.

    one of my favorite gals there (they're all gay and flirt with me something fierce) asked how i was doing.. she said i had a poodle cut.. with the fondest intentions.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2010

    apple, did you tell her you're not a poodle??Smile  My cousin-in-law is up from Va and she made a comment about my hair too.  At least we have hair now.

    image

    Barb

  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited March 2010

    I keep getting the "oh you look great" line.  Should I REALLY believe that????  I mean I'm NOT walking around bald, and I HAVE lost some weight, but I don't think I look great.  Still just stubble on my head---have one more Taxol left.  When did you girls start getting yours back???

    Sharon :)

  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited March 2010

    I had stubble when I finished Chemo, and once I was in Rads it was long enough to go topless. I look at photos now and think it was really still very very short, but I was just happy to ditch the wig. it propbly took a good 6 months to look like an intentional short hair style.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2010

    Kerry, I was the same way in Rads, but now my hair is just long enough to look like a "Bad short curly hairstyle"Undecided  And I still get that "you look great!" awww your so cute".  Yuk

  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited March 2010

    Well, I am nearly a year out, and now it looks like a very bad old lady perm! (no offence intended) BUT, it is hair, it blows in the breeze, and I love it.

  • Billynda
    Billynda Member Posts: 121
    edited March 2010

    Grrrr, I went to the gas station the other day and the idiot said, "why did you cut your hair so short?" - I told him, I didn't want to, I'm going through chemotherapy and it all fell out - he just smiled and nodded, he probably didn't understand me.  How rude!

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2010

    Billynda, did he speak English?  You must have been so annoyed. 

    image

  • Billynda
    Billynda Member Posts: 121
    edited March 2010

    Not very well!  He was Indian.  I was, why ask if when I tell you, you're not really going to understand anyways???

  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited March 2010

    It really seems like it is always the women sticking their feet in their mouths.  Men for some reason as how I am doing and don't comment on how I look.  It is pretty obvious that I still do not look like myself so why even go there.  The whole bc deal is just too close to home for women maybe. 

     And, Kerry  your hair does not look like an old lady perm!!!  Pink polka dots maybe LOL.  

    Billynda - I hear you.  I think I need to stay away from gas stations.  More often than not I get called sir or looked at oddly.  

    I am trying to use this whole bc thing as a growing experience from the inside out.  I think that my looks, even though they were only average were a huge part of my self esteem/confidence.  I need to focus on other areas of myself to try to regain my self esteem.  

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