Husband not caring

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  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited February 2010

    After I was diagonsed with BC, my husband stopped talking to me and our son 18 years old. I had to go through all the Chemo and Rads treatment by myself. I finished Chemo and Rads three months ago. My husband started not coming home for two or three days each week. I asked him why and he would not respond at all. I asked him if he is seeing someone and he would not respond either. What should I do and what should I tell my son about his father not coming home? Anyone has such husband? Please help!

  • mebrown
    mebrown Member Posts: 74
    edited February 2010

    Susansnow

     I am heart sick for you on this subject. I had to ask my husband for a man's point of view. He said he may be wrong but it could be that your husband is afraid of losing you and his fear of that out weighs anything else. He could be distancing himself for what he may see as the ultimate end. Your son may be a reminder to him of that end. Fear is a strong thing.

    Since your son is 18, he probably has already figured things out. All you can do is be the great strong woman you have proven yourself to be and be the great mom I feel you are. 

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

  • Leah58
    Leah58 Member Posts: 159
    edited February 2010

    I am also heartsick for you.  I agree with mebrown.  Also, keep posting and allow us to support you.  Your husband may be distancing himself to "protect" himself but he is being thoughtless when you really need his loving support.  A diagnosis of breast cancer is not an automatic death sentence.   We all have great hope with the treatments available today.   I hope that he works out his problems soon.   I hope that you have family or friends to support you.  Take care.  I am praying for you.  BB

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited February 2010

    Thank you Mebrown and Leah58, I think that Mebrown's husband might be right. My husband lost both of his parents for liver cancer. He might be afraid of losing me again. But I cannot understand why he left and stopped talking to me and our son at all. I am actually better than a couple of months ago. I was so depressed then. I am very lonely until I found this forum. I read a lot although I did not post before. I felt encouranged, peaceful and strong each time when I read your postings. I prayed a lot too since I know God is always with me.

  • mebrown
    mebrown Member Posts: 74
    edited February 2010
    I'm like you Susansnow when it comes to reading mostly. As you can tell I do not post much either. There is already so much to read on here and so many questions that get answered just by reading others comments. I get lonely sometimes even with a somewhat supportive husband. He is also fighting cancer (2 years now). I guess my main downer is he likes to talk to women on the net. He did it before my dx but now it seems to bother me more now that I feel incomplete. I'm insecure and have told him but he still continues. He now stays up most, if not all, night and sleeps most of the day. It is probably a combination of his worrying about his cancer not going away and worrying about me but it causes me some sleepless nights. I also pray a lot because God is the only one that is always there and listening. This forum is the next best thing. Smile
  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited February 2010

    Mebrown, I feel sorry that some men cope with stress in such a bad and disrespectful way. My husband goes to the casino after work almost everyday. He comes home after middle night around 1 am each day or some days he did not come home at all. This has been going on about 1 year. I am thinking to divorce him, but he refused to sit down and discuss about it.  He simply walked away each time when I try to talk to him about any matter. Please take care of yourself both mentally and physically first if you cannot change your husband's behaviour. I lost sleep for some nights too because of the trouble with my husband. But I try to ignore him and concentrate on my health and my son first. We should not blame ourselves with other people's weakness or fault. Take care.

  • Kodapants
    Kodapants Member Posts: 139
    edited February 2010

    I totally understand  how you feel.  My boyfriend of 12 yrs distanced me and then stated he did not want to be even friends. I have been devastated to say the least.  He made it look like it was me who did not want him around. I haven't seen him in 8 months and NEVER want to.

    I never want a man in my life that doesn't want to be there.  As I have seen even some friends and family backed away.  Cancer is the lonely experience.  I have to ask myself what have I learned from this test of faith? Well I have a better heart,  more empathetic and understanding.

    I work where terminal care is given to cancer patients,  I am a better nurse for knowing the pain and fear of this disease.

    I also took care of myself physically,  I won't let myself go,  no matter what! and thats for me.

    Best of luck-pm me anytime,

     Kodapants

  • lassie11
    lassie11 Member Posts: 1,500
    edited February 2010

    Susansnow - my suggestion would be to go see a lawyer as soon as you can. That doesn't mean that you are going to divorce, but you will find out what are your rights and options particularly because, aside from everything else,  he may be causing you financial difficulties by going to the casino so often.

    Your son, at 18, very likely is aware that something is going on.  There is nothing wrong with talking to your son about how he and you feel, while at the same time, not saying bad things about your husband, even though he has shown "poor form". Despite it all, that is his father.

    Still, going to a lawyer can provide you with the facts you need to make a decision. It's a tough situation, but you've been through breast cancer treatment, so you can do anything!

  • carol1949
    carol1949 Member Posts: 562
    edited February 2010

    Susan,

      I think most of these points are valid.  I know that my husband distanced himself from me, and I think it was mostly based out of fear.  His Mom passed away from pancreatic cancer just a few months after her diagnosis.  Both of my brothers passed away from cancer within 6 months of each other.  So, I think his only experience was with people NOT surviving cancer.

    In general, I find most men have issues dealing with death and/or illness.  I guess that is where the "Steel Magnolias" term came from.

    I found  a couple of books very helpful in my journey.... and YES,  I do feel we all have our own journey in this life. 

    You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay was wonderfully inspirational and made so much sense to me.

    Also, The Artist's Way by Julie Cameron is most helpful in dealing with whatever life hands us, or whatever we manifest in our own life.  My oncology nurse told me it was required reading in one of the workshops they took!

    Some would say pray for him, if you are of that nature.  Even though I am a Christian, at this time, I think it is most important to put yourself first for perhaps the first time in YOUR life!

    He may come around and he may not.  But, my guess is he is just scared!

    Hugs and Peace to you.

  • Twinmom77
    Twinmom77 Member Posts: 303
    edited February 2010

    Wow, I'm running across more and more people who's husbands are just being jerks!  Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!  My husband's never been very caring or empathetic, but he got even worse after I was diagnosed.  Told me I was using cancer as an excuse not to keep the house clean during chemo, went to his divorce lawyer the day I was at my third chemo, and on my 6th month cancerversary when I was feeling down he told me I had "a chip on my shoulder".  A few months ago (just one day after surgery) he told me I'd need to pay half the rent if I want him to move out.  I'm a stay at home mom to two preschoolers, how am I supposed to pay rent?  Get a job was his answer.

    What have I learned through all this?  That I need to think of myself and my health first and foremost. That I don't need someone who can't be supportive during a really difficult time in my life.  This cancer is not killing me, but my husbands' meanness slowly is. As hard as it is to accept that the relationship needs to end, I'd rather be alive for my babies than be miserable with him!

    Hang in there!  We are strong and we can do this with or without a crummy spouse's support!!!

  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited February 2010

    lassie 11 has given you valuable and accurate advise.  Here is mine.  Find an attorney, follow the financial advice of that attorney, change the locks on the doors to the house and serve your husband with a kick out order.  Tell your husband he can come home when he is ready to be part of the family.  Give him the names and numbers of support groups and psychiatrists so he can get help.

    In spite of what some believe, this is not normal behavior for a well adjusted man.  Your husband's behavior is a sign of much deeper problems; problems you cannot and should not try to fix.  Your son will support you in this. 

    The goal of this action is not divorce but to take stress off of you and to get help for your deeply disturbed husband.

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited February 2010

    Thank you all for your suggestions, sharing and caring. I will talk to a lawyer to see what I can do. I just feel that even I have to end the marriage, I want to end it in an amicable way with my husband. I do not want any fight with him if possible. I really try very hard to forgive him rather than blame him or anybody. I understand that he might cause my financial difficulty because of his gambling problem, but I am not ready to handle all this to a lawyer. I will talk to a lawyer to be prepared at the same time.

  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited February 2010

    Best wishes, Susansnow

  • mebrown
    mebrown Member Posts: 74
    edited March 2010
    Susansnow - how are you doing?
  • MrsBee
    MrsBee Member Posts: 124
    edited March 2010

    My DH is sitting here with me while I'm reading, and I shared this thread with him.  He says Susan's husband may be scared or feeling guilty.  We did notice when we went to cancer support groups that this kind of thing seems to be a common problem - that often men don't deal well with wives/girlfriends getting a cancer diagnosis.  We both encourage you to speak with a lawyer, Susan, and protect yourself and your son.

    Hugs,

    MrsBee

  • Octobergirl
    Octobergirl Member Posts: 334
    edited March 2010

    Susansnow, your words really spoke to me. I know your pain and how hard it is to have to be so strong when you really need someone to be strong for you. I am always amazed at the lengths we women go to "try to understand" why men do what they do. We barely manage to tread water when we need to be using the messages we are getting through their behavior to make strong, protective decisions for ourselves.  Can you imagine reading discussions by men  about why their wives have disappeared emotionally, financially and/or physically after a doc shocked then with the scary, life-changing diagnosis of prostate cancer?

    I was married to an unavailable man and stayed way too long trying to understand him.  It finally became clear he saw me as an asset or a liability according to how much I convenienced or inconvenienced his life.  When that light bulb went off, it took about 2 hrs. to have the conversation I had postponed for more than 16 yrs.  Fortunately, that happened when I had a hysterectomy years ago....before BC.

    When my husband and I began considering marriage 4 yrs. ago, I asked that we have a straightforward conversation about what each of us bring to the table to make the other's world bigger and better...emotionally, financially and physically. It was a surprise to my DH but earned his respect and created trust and intimacy. Because of my past experience, I knew I would walk away if that conversation signaled any red flags for me.

    I was diagnosed with BC a year ago.  I knew my DH was deeply affected by his mother's long struggle and death from breast cancer and my diagnosis evoked his grief and fear.  But, it would never have occured to me that was any reason...or excuse...for him to treat me badly.   And even if he did, I have no energy or desire to spend time on understanding, overlooking or changing his faulty and self-centered behavior.  As it was, we had the strong foundation of that early conversation and I knew I was with a kind and positive man.  His experience with his mother's illness made him more aware of how precious is time with those we love.  His experience of having my support during surgery a few years ago made him more aware of how important is support when one is ill.

    If it gets too hard or inconvenient for him to walk with me in this struggle, I will see an attorney (my DH is an attorney and I know firsthand how important this is :))  to protect my interests and future. Then I'd have a conversation to say "I won't waste my time trying to understand or justify your indifference and I won't waste energy trying to convince you I deserve kindness, love and support. I'm surrounding  myself with people who make my world happier and better. I love you for the gift of our son and the good memories we have and so I want you to get on with your life, too.  So move forward and out with my best wishes..by next Monday. Amicable, fair... and considerate to give a weekend for moving.

    We all work things out differently. My experience has taught me not to waste precious time trying to understand or change a  person who has no desire to change. 

    Susansnow, you and your son are in my thoughts everyday. It is time to focus on you and your son. You can teach him by example to respect women. Take care of yourself!

    Molly

  • GryffinSong
    GryffinSong Member Posts: 439
    edited March 2010

    Susansnow, I'm coming late to the conversation, but hope you are doing ok. I'm so very, very sorry for all you're going through. I really, really have a hard time accepting this behavior from your husband. If he wants to stay with you he needs to man up and be responsible for his part of the relationship. Please don't settle for an unavailable man. I would never tolerate a husband who stayed out all night without a reason. You deserve love, respect, and caring. I hope that you find it with family or friends, since your husband is seemingly incapable. In my opinion it doesn't really matter why he's avoiding. What matters is that his neglect of you is completely inappropriate in a life partner. I would even call it abusive.

    Hugs and good luck!

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited March 2010

    Thank you Mrsbee, Octobergrace and Gryffin Song, your words warm my heart. I did ask my husband for a divorce, but he would not respond. What I hope is to sit down to have an amicable end of the marriage. But he would not talk to me at all. I am really not ready to go to the court through a lawyer to get the divorce. I am also concerned if the court decides to sell the house, my son will be in hardship since his friends live in the neighborhood. I do not have the financial capability to afford a house for my son in the neighborhood. I am looking for a job now and if I go back to work soon, I might be able to afford a house. Thanks for all you encoragement and suggestions.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited March 2010

    Too bad so many of us have these terrible experiences with the men who are supposed to care about us. The man I was seeing for almost 6 years just disappeared after promising to stick with me through bc.  One minute he told me he cared about me and the next minute he was gone. I think it hurts more than the bc itself.

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited March 2010

    Had mammo and ultrosound last week and have to do a biopsy next week. Scared and depressed. Starting work next Monday and afraid if can stand the 8-9 hour work every day. Husband getting worse not coming home every weekend. Tried again to talk to him and he still didn't respond. Not knowing what his intention is.

  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited March 2010

    SusanSnow,

    It doesn't matter what your husband's intentions are.  What are yours?  You need to figure that out. 

    Talk to your son about the options.  You will find him helpful and supportive and he will want to protect you as a man and your son.  Don't bad mouth his father (not that you would) but tell your story to your son in a truthful and factual manner with a minimum of emotion. He already knows most of it anyway and probably under almost as much tension as you are.  Let him help you by giving you his advice. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

  • Marg33
    Marg33 Member Posts: 13
    edited April 2010

    Oh Susan, I can't imagine being treated like that by the man I love. My hubby has been so supportive, he does all the housework, cooking etc. for me. The hospital is a 3 hr. drive and he takes me every time and waits patiently while I do my thing.

    He rushed home from any job he does to make sure I'm ok. He was the one who got me to the dr. and dx. I was too scared to go, he says: We'll do this together..

    Susan, the amount of anxiety you are experiencing because of this situation is really not good for you or your son. I feel you need to take action and relieve the situation. The key word here is "Acceptance"  Accept that he's never going to reply to your questions, he will keep on doing what he is doing. Its really all up to you. I know what divorce is like, it hurts a lot, its another end to an era in your lives but sometimes its unavoidable. I wouldn't tip your hand to him again, I'd go get legal advice before I did or said anything. Here in Canada we can call a lawyer for free advice before we hire him, hope you can do the same. See your MD also and talk to him/her about your stress level.

    My dx had thrown me into a panic attack and I am having trouble calming down. This website helps me a bit and friends and family I can talk to also. We're here for you if you need to talk.

    Best wishes, Marg

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2010

    Thank you Notself and Marg for your suggestion and support. I did talk to a lawyer. I still have not made up my mind to ask a lawyer to end my marriage. I am scared of the recurrance and metas. I want to deal with my health and illness first and do not want consume too much of my efforts and time on the divorce. I learned that a lot of husbands left their wives who were diagnosed with BC. I try to ignore my husband who is one of the coward ones.

  • mebrown
    mebrown Member Posts: 74
    edited April 2010

    Susansnow - Your are right, your health is the most important thing right now. Are you about to finish treatment? How much longer do you have? I myself am half way through.

  • Susansnow
    Susansnow Member Posts: 11
    edited April 2010

    Mebrown, I finished Chemo last September and Rads at the end of last November. I have been on Tamoxifen. I had biopsy on April 2 for the other breast and am waiting to see my Onc next week to know the result. I am working half day and worried that I have to go through the Chemo and Rads again.

  • janny99
    janny99 Member Posts: 119
    edited April 2010

    Susansnow, my heart goes out to you.  Having to struggle with the emotions of what you are going through physically and emotionally, plus not having the care and support of the one who is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health, breaks my heart.  Take care of yourself first, and I would not focus on divorce right now....let him do his thing, and you take care of yourself.  As you suggested, your marriage is most likely going to end, but at this time, you don't need to be hit with double the stress of cancer and divorce.  Unless it's more stressful with him there, as you said, you do try to ignore him....then there is the financial burden of being alone (which is where I am!), which is also so hard.  I know I'm kind of rambling, but bottom line is to take care of yourself first.

    I was dx in March, surgery April 27th.  I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years, and can count on 1 hand how many times I've seen my "male friend" since I was diagnosed.  I have cried alone, I have been angry about having to deal with this alone (in which his response was "we all have things we are going through, you need to be more positive!!!"), I have gone to my appointments accompanied by my daughters and my best friend, but not once did he offer to go along with me.  I have told him that if he can't handle this, then it's really "okay" to just end this so-called relationship now rather than later.  He said he doesn't want it to end...He also had the nerve to say that even though he's a "boob guy", he will still love me after I have breast surgery.  I think his big thing is that he doesn't want people to think he's a jerk for leaving a woman with BC.

    I just want him to go away (kind of).....but, I am just going on as though nothing is different, because I am being selfish right now and just dealing with the DX/surgery/treatment.  I will deal with him later.  Even if we could work things out, I think I would always resent the fact that he kind of has disappeared through all of this. 

  • mebrown
    mebrown Member Posts: 74
    edited April 2010

    Susan - I pray that you will not have to go through any more chemo or rads. Keep being strong and you will beat this.

    Janny - I'm so sorry you are going through this without his support. I am glad you have your daughters and best friend. Even with a man in your life that tries to be supportive, it sometimes feels like you are alone. He tries but cannot fully know what you go through. I have cried alone as well but this web site has helped me through the tough times because the ladies understand. There are so many strong women here.

    I am thankful to have all the strong ladies on here. I feel like such a weakling at times. 

  • harmonykate
    harmonykate Member Posts: 3
    edited April 2010

    I am in the same boat as far as the lack of support from my huband. I started my cancer journey 4 yrs ago and my husband ahs totally detatched himself from it.

    He has made statements like "I want my wife back". The problem is I am not the same person. I suffer from neuropathy in my hands and feet and Post Chemotherapy Cogintive Im pairment. I had to quit my job which I loved because of these lingering disabilities. Yes, most women see these symptoms pass but I happen to fall into the 13% that do not.

    I first of all want to say I have always been the strong one and can identify with your hurt that when you needed your husband most....he checked out.

    I am glad to have found this forum because it validates the things we are facing in our own lives as a result of our cancer.

    I have no answer for you and I wish I did. I have decided to focus as best I can on the things which I can change, that bring me joy and make me feel productive. I am struggling but will make it.

    Feel free to send a personal message if you like. I don't know how we can help each other but as BC partners, it may help to have someone to unload and listen.

    Harmonykate

  • di431
    di431 Member Posts: 65
    edited April 2010

    I don't know what's worse, having someone not care, or having to depend on someone you don't care for.

  • ananda8
    ananda8 Member Posts: 2,755
    edited April 2010

    It may be worse to think you must depend on someone who does not care for you and is in fact undependable .

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