My Ultimate Failure Not raising my kids right

Okay, first take a deep breath. Now another. You are not a bad mom!! My kids are only 2 & 4, so I haven't had any teen angst yet, but keep in mind he is 19, the same age you were making mistakes. It is so common for moms to think that any unruliness in our kids is completely our fault. That is just not true. It is sad and painful that your son is going through a rough patch, and maybe a long one at that. Please stay focused on the good you have done and modeled for him. You had a kid early, but worked really hard to better yourself and for him as well. You took in a niece who needed your love. And as hard as it is, you wouldn't allow your son's behavior to impact your other children. You have done very good things to raise your kids. Have you made mistakes? Well, who hasn't? It also may be that he is having a hard time dealing with your diagnosis. Has he had an opportunity to talk to anyone about it? In my area there are teenage get togethers for kids of cancer patients. He may be really scared and acting out in anger.

But please, don't beat yourself up.

Gayle

Deb, WOW are paths mirror each other once again,  the topic caught my eye don't usually post much anymore except for one thread,  but for you ALWAYS and espically on this topic,  I know from my pic's on FB you know I have a very diverse family, while my girls (now 27 & 29) are on their way to being WONDERFUL WOMAN  the road with them has been most bumpy to put it gently,  I could type here for hours and never even scratch the surface.  Like you when I was many moons younger I made so not so good choices,  the worst marrying and living with a man who was a drunk ,  physically abusive to me and so terribly verbally abusive to my oldest,  behavior I accepted or brushed under the carpet for 20+ years - I just tried to keep PEACE, Jaclyn was damaged for a VERY LONG time,  still today it makes me cry everytime (right now) I think about what I allowed her to endure, for a few years of her teenage years she used drugs of who knows what kind,  at 18 she was in my home living,  dating an abusive boyfried who almost slit her throat with a knife ,  anyway just to ake this story short I begged and pleaded to a local judge to Baker Act her.  By the grace of God and many many wonderful counsolors ,  that world is long sense past,  the drugs anyway,  she still has issues with men treating her as a lady should be treated -  my other DD the same issues. My youngest Amanda disowned me for a few years when I finally divorced the dad,  she thought I was the one at fault,  anywways she has come around now too.

Anyway I could go on and on,  just wanted you to know your not alone,  we make mistakes,  until the day I  go to meet my maker I will have regrets with the way I raised my daughters for many years,  I pray everyday now that they are learning enough now from me to correct the bad examples I set,  I fear daily that I will leave them one of these days and I will not have had the chance to fix al the wrong,  to set a better example.

I never raised a boy,  but maybe just from teenage girl experience and watching a few years ago my sister struggle with her son 17-21yrs age,  Is your son acting out - rebeling.  I don't know,  Deb just don't beat yourself up too much,  Yes there are parents out there who intentially hurt their childer,  but I know you just as I ,  were doing THE BEST YOU COULD.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

PS 9sorry for posting on Stage3 - but had to try and say something to your post) XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Deb,

I feel the same way about all these girls and the support we give each other here.  Parenting is SO hard.  My boys are only 9 and 7, and I can already see the difference between them like night and day.  My nine year old gets in trouble at school about once per week, he is disrespectful at times, and he doesn't seem to care sometimes about others' feelings.  I know it's nothing I'm doing because his brother is just more sensitive and sympathetic.  We have a lot on our plates with his dad's illness, so I know some of it is coming from that.  I do have him in counselling.  But still, it's hard to watch him constantly making bad choices.

Some day hopefully your son is going to come around.  But that choice has to be his.  We all have struggles in our lives, and choices to make, and it's up to him to make life what he wants it to be for him.  No excuses, no blaming you.  I like your attitude about tough love.  My little brother is 40, and unfortunately he is still making bad choices and there are still people in the family making excuses for him.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to make life better for the people we love, we can't save them from themselves.

Sounds to me like you are doing what you can, and that's all anyone can ask for.

Big Hugs

Bobbie

Deb - I think you have absolutely done the best you can. I know you want things to be different, but you are not responsible for the choices he is making. They are his choices.

My kids are still little, so it is not anything I have had to deal with yet. I really don't have any great words of wisdom, but I can tell from how upset you are, that you want the best for him. That makes you a great mother in anyones book.

Deb....just wanted to send you ((((((HUGS)))).....my kids are 11 and 23 (girls) and 20 boy....My son has been a challenge....Being a parent is not easy...but we do the best we know how to do.....some times it is enough, others, well don't know what to say....You have done the best that you know how to do....give yourself a pat on the back for it....you are a wonderful mom....take all the credit you deserve....sending  you a cyber ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))

Deb, I read your post earlier today and my emotions started churning. I felt anxious as I re-visited the intense feelings.....guilt, anger, dismay that I felt when my children were spiraling out of control a few years ago.  My two girls are now 24 and 26. My 24 year old is bipolar and has created a lot of havoc since she was 11. I have been insulted, threatened and assaulted by  her.  My 26 year old was a lot like your son.  She refused to live by the house rules. She left our home at 16 and couch surfed for a while, dropped out of school even though she is very intelligent.  She came home a few months later and re-enrolled in school.  She had a drug problem and we insisted that there be no drugs in the house. All went well for a while and then we discovered that she was blatantly violating the no drugs rule.  At that point we asked her to leave. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do as a parent. She did get a high school equivalency diploma and a job to support herself.  She was resentful and distant for a while, but has become a self-sufficient young woman and mother.  She still has struggles with her emotions and doesn't always make good choices, but nothing as disastrous as the road she was traveling 10 years ago. 

I have walked in your shoes and I understand the feeling of failure but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. As parents we only have so much control and at 19 the amount of control you have is minimal.  The choices that they make are theirs.  We cannot protect them from themselves....they need to learn from their mistakes.   My Ex is an enabler and a rescuer which does not help them to grow.  As difficult as it is you have to let them succeed or fail...we can support them but we cannot do it for them.   My daughter told me recently that she "got it, and actually thanked me.

 THOSE DAYS WERE STILL THE DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. Hang in there....I just kept thinking that if I condoned her behaviour she would never feel the need to change. I will be thinking of you.

Deb, just adding my 2 cents of experience. My oldest, a boy, is almost 24. His father and I divorced when he was 10, and we came to live with my dad. As his father figure, my father did not do the "dad" stuff, but did set down rules in the house that my son was to follow.

When he got to that awkward age of 18-19, my son decided that he didn't need to follow the rules anymore. He dropped out of college and didn't try to find any employment. My father gave him three months and then threw him out of the house. Thankfully, there were no drugs or alcohol involved, and he was able to find a home with a friend. Still, he continued to not seek any kind of work and just basically lived off the allowance I sent for food.

He's always marched to the beat of a different drummer. He's had interests that would boggle your mind, and often pursues them intently, but they're not the kind of things that lead to great jobs. I've tried to help by paying for career counseling in order to see if those interests could lead to any kind of career. Well, they can, but you need an advanced degree.

A couple of years ago, he was hired for a good-paying position in NYC, and 3 months later the recession hit and he was laid off. He was out of work until last summer when he got a temporary job in California that lasted until this January. He's back living with his friend in NJ, but has no employment again. I'm afraid this might be a chronic thing with him.

But his attitude towards me has come full circle. For a while, I was the worst mother in the world in his eyes. Apparently, he thought I should have endured a marriage to an unfaithful man who didn't love me anymore and didn't value his children and left us. Spending time with his father recently, and seeing him through the eyes of an adult have changed that. After my recent recon surgery, my son spent a week here helping me with my recovery. Yeah, he still slept until noon, but he was here to do things like cook dinner and clean up...and he is the only one that plays our piano, so it was great to hear him practice almost every day.

So give it a couple of years. There's something about those late teen-early twenties that make some kids even more rebellious and confrontational. Thankfully, for many of us, they're away at college then and we only have to put up with it at holidays, lol. But then there are the ones who are drifting...we worry about them because they don't seem to have an anchor in any good port. The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open. When he's ready, he'll be back.

I had my first child (a son) a week after I turned 19.  Got married to the father 3 months before he was born -- his dad didn't think it was important that it was "legal" since we loved each other.  Yeah, right.  I was so naive...  Had my daughter at 22.  We lived below the poverty line until the kids were 9 and 6.  The reason that changed is I graduated from college (thank God for the Pell Grant - it paid for everything!) and got a job.  Got divorced from their worthless dad when they were 12 and 9.  In those 12 years their dad held 15 different jobs.  You'd think with all that free time he would have been involved in their lives but he was too busy trying to figure out the world's problems and talking about quantum physics.  No one mattered but himself.  Realisticly I was trying to raise 3 kids.

From the very begginning of being a parent I was scared of the teenage years.  Why?  Because I was a lousy kid myself (and that's being kind in my description).  There was no earthly reason for the things I did -- I was raised in a stable home, given love, discipline, attention, support, not spoiled, and at times being given things (such as going to band camp) that were a stretch on our income.  So why was I such a jerk?  As a new mother I still didn't know the answer and I was so scared that I was going to get it back in spades from my kids.  But the one thing that I did know was that now, as an adult, I had gotten through all those selfish, destructive things that I was doing and had returned to being the person my parents had raised. 

So I started my parenting journey with the thought that if I did a good job when they were young (i.e. before they became teenagers and I had no control) by giving them love, attention, support, discipline, then no matter what happens when they are teenagers at some point when they become real adults (sometimes that can be in their 20's or 30's) they'll return to their roots and how they were originally raised.

So how did the teenage years go?  For the most part I got lucky.  And I know their are some people who don't think luck has anything to do with being parent but I firmly, firmly believe that when they are teenagers there are too many influences coming from peers and other adults which can affect a child at the wrong time and cause a poor decision to just escalate.  Their is nothing that we can do as parents.  It's just plain f***ing luck.  My poor parents didn't get any luck with me.

My kids are now 32 and 29.  Wonderful adults despite their mother who went through her own selfish crisis when they were teenagers and did way more drinking than I should have.

So my message to you is that it is NOT your fault.  I know that you can never remove the guilt - but I sure hope you can lessen it.  Things happen that we have no control over. And we didn't cause those things to happen.

More importantly, though, I do believe your son will eventually become an adult and return to his roots.  Once he understands who he really is he'll remember the things you told him when he was young.  Then it'll be time to let him return to you and you can start talking again.

Oh Jancie your post really got to me.  When I responding to Deb I wrote about my oldest and just mentioned my youngest who is bipolar.Wow your post touched a nerve.  My daughter was diagnosed at 11 and at 16 moved in with her father beacuse she didn't like my rules.  I wouldn't condone her dating a 26 year old man that every policeman in the city knew by name and knew his car.  It wasn't becuase he was a recruit or anything positive.  I had the audacity to put a club on her car that her father gave her because she was using it to skip school and encourage other kids to skip with her.  I was personally relieved when she moved to her Dad's except that I knew there would be no rules and she wouldn't be help accountable for her actions. 

It was heaven not to lock my bedroom door and hide my wallet.  It took me about three years to begin to sleep through the night without waking suddenly because of a sound outside or my cat running around. 

While she was living with me and after I have had to learn that it is her life.  I can guide her, but the path that she chooses is her own.  At the moment she has it together and is in University.  I hope that she will succeed, but it isn't guaranteed. She is now 24 and we do visit.  She now lives 6 hours away but does visit occasionally.  She will stay at our house and I am anxious when she does.  I'm grateful that my DH has my back and is there.  He teases me that I usually sleep quite well when she is at our house, but he sleeps like sh**. 

Being a parent is incredibly difficult and when your child (whatever age) does through a rough patch we tend to internalize it.  We have to remember that it is their live, not ours.  My heart goes out to all of you that have told your stories on this thread.  Love to all and keep doing what your heart/gut knows is right.

Hi Deb. I have been following your journey and "  know ' you to be a smart intuitive no BS person"

I too had  a child @ 19. I think we've all had lesons to be learned in life. The reality is that we all do the best we could, given the circumstances. I lived with  alot of regret, feeling that I could of given more, done more, blah, blah blah. Now my grown daughter is challenged with a teenager herself and completely " gets" her childhood.

Please be kinder to yourself. You did everything to yhe best of your capabilities. You'll see, it will play itself out.

All I can say is that the older you get the smarter you Mama becomes! Of course I did not figure this out til I was 21, married, and with a child of my own! Now I have 2 teens (and I am as dumb as a rock to them) and a 4 yr old who still thinks I'm a damned Genius. Hang in there he will come back around once he can understand your perspective.

XO,

Regina

I raised three sons with a Navy husband who was mostly not here..

they go through some difficult stages and times and they can make

motherhood seem like a no win job. You are smart to use tough love

when you need to...don't let those words get you down...they do it

to themselves..They have to pull up their big boy pants and get on with

life...ultimately they are responsible for their own choices..they have to

play the hand they are dealt..and so do we moms...btw..oldest is

40 (sales rep)..middle is an MD and third a high school teacher.

None of them figured out what they wanted to do until their late

twenties or early thirties...I think somehow an extra ten years of

unproductive time has been put in their lives 18-28..we didn't

have that luxury..sooo hold you head up and stand strong...

Hugs all around,

SoCal

Deb - I was pretty bad as a teen too for a few years.  At 17 I rode from NY to CA on a Harley with my first true Love,  way tooooooooooooooooo much Booze ,  I did do a few other things,  but not into all the drug stuff that was so available,  went to many a bike jam and rode around topless - thats what you do at a Harley Convention -  LOL, ,  how ironic now.  Anyway I was raised by 2 great parents, strict Polish Catholic home -  I just rebelled.  Who knows why any of us do the things we do.  Oh yeah I never did tell my girls those tales ,  I am pretty sure they still don't know that.

I know I broke my parents hearts for a few years,  caused them worry,  sadness and sleepless nights,  but like you didn't know that until I had the same worries. 

X0OXOXOXOXOXOXOXO -GIRLFIREND.

Deb - I apologize for not responding sooner, I wanted to - when I first read your post I was at work and felt I couldn't take the time to respond. 

I am such a straight arrow now that people that I've met later in life find it hard to believe I was a rebel or just don't know. I was a rebel as a teenager - I didn't know why, but I hated the world.  I got involved in a really bad crowd. I ended up pregnant at 16, had my oldest daughter when I was 17.  I traveled a pretty rough road.  Unfortunately, my poor Mom was at the other end of my anger.  My ah-ha moment did come when my oldest was about 2 years old, I cleaned up my act (even went to college for a few years), worked hard to provide a better life for my family and have become a better person.  I went through a lot of counseling to help understand my anger, but it had to be me who helped myself - My mom couldn't do it for me.  I guess what I'm saying is it sounds like you've done everything you can for your son - loving him being the most important of them all.   Now it's time for him to figure things out.  And...........as a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to watch as our children (no matter what age), stumble, fall and sometimes break things through the path of life.

There is no rule book on parenting, we do the best we can with what we have and it sounds like you've given your son everything you can for now.  My heart is with you...........(((HUGS)))