Nipples--Men and Sex

I originally had them reconstructed in April '08 and they flattened to almost nothing, which is pretty much what I'd asked for.  However, I changed my mind after discussing with my husband and delving deep regarding his true feelings, then decided to have them re-done.  I had that surgery this past November, and am very glad I did so.  Having palpable nipples makes the breasts feel so genuine to both of us, and even if I cannot feel him touch them, I enjoy it that he is enjoying them.    Highly recommended!!!!

My husband is very happy with my reconstructed breast, other than the fact that the nipple is very soft. Looks good, but not much substance. He definitely gravitates to the "natural" breast. I will be having PM on the "natural side," and I intend to have more substantive nipples made on both. He says that the one thing he misses on the reconstructed breast is the feel of the nipple. One of the things that's helping me deal with the thought of going thru this whole recon thing on the other side is that I can have good nipples on BOTH sides. I'll be happier, for myself and for him!

I had a nipple made a month ago, an easy surgery. Just the nipple, out of scar tissue, the areola will be tattooed. DH and I are happy with it so far. DH still kind of ignores the reconstruction and goes for the natural one, can't blame him. But we are both amazed at the illusion that the new nipple creates. That is sexy. It really does stop being a surgical site and becomes a breast. Go for it.

With the whirlwind of decisions being made immediately after a cancer dx, I had assumed I'd go the "safest" way possible - no nipple sparing or recon, just tattoes later......until I asked dh his opinion.  His view was entirely different - nipples all the way, but only if considered safe.  I had a bxDIEP and spoke with PS surgeon about nipple sparing.  With all the precautions they take, it made sense to try.  Of all the things we're checking now, 2 weeks post-op, dh is possibly the most thrilled as to how good the nipples look.  I'm glad for him, I've got to say, since I still don't really care, and there is no sensation.  This whole process effects both people, so both people count.

Sarabhealed - sorry no answer but I'm facing exactly the same choice now, although getting a silicone one moulded here in Oz requires some research, it is not a standard option.  I really appreciate you starting this thread because it really is an important part of the decision I'll be making too.

I ordered my fake silicone stick-on nipples from Amazon.com....you can order them directly from the company at

www.lovefifi.com/p-525-natural-nipples.aspx

They were more realistic looking than any I had seen.  They were $25 plus shipping.  When I got my recon nipps done I sent my fake ones to another sisters here on this site. 

I too originally thought no nipples.  Enough surgery.  But after some time thinking about it and talking to DH I decided to go for it.  DH has started touching the new foobs now.  In the beginning he just barely poked them.  It was he who said he can't wait for the nipples.  I also think this will make my new foobs be more "normal" to me and when I look down I won't see the incision lines but fipples. 

My PS does what I think is also the butterfly cut, or the origami cut.  He just takes the skin around the incision line and cuts and turns and sutures it.  He said no problem but that he has to work around my other biopsy sites. 

Janet

Sara ~ I just had my nipple (unilateral Diep) done the week before Christmas, and I'm really glad I did it.  Like every other step of treatment and reconstruction, something about getting it done just gave me (& my DH) such an emotional lift -- like we're another step closer to being "normal" again.  There were weeks when I wasn't sure I would bother having a nipple made, but I'm so glad I did.  And  it was such an easy procedure -- done in an operating room (@UCLA), but awake (just had a local anesthetic) and chatting with my PS.  Absolutely no pain -- went Christmas shopping the same afternoon.   Deanna  

Minnesota, How do you avoid having soft nipples with reconstruction?  How can they make them feel more real?

Shay, I sent you a response to your PM.  My first nipple recon completely flattened out and we tried a few things-- Radiesse, fat grafts underneath---finally I had them re-done in November.  With a re-do, there is some scar tissue, so the nipple is made of more than just thin skin.   My doctor also made the new nipples hollow and then filled them with fat grafts, to give them more projection and substance.   It seems to have worked very well, as it's been 3.5 months and they are exactly what I had hoped they'd be. 

Suzanne

Not all men are the same when it comes to reconstruction.  I have read post where the women say that their DH loves their new breast.  Some men can accept them and some cannot.  My DH is one of those that cannot treat them like they are a part of my body.  Since I know that he is uncomfortable with them, I wear something when we are intimate.  I am trying to put myself in his shoes...I know it is hard for some men....so I am not making a big deal out of it.  I had nipples and grafted areolas done trying to make them look as "real" as possible...I did it because I wanted to but also I thought DH would see them differently.  No way...he has never said a word about how they look...it would be nice to hear him say that my doctor done a good job.  It is not worth getting depressed over...been there done that.  We have been married 33 yrs this year and we love each other and that is all that matters....also I am cancer free....

Sorry that you have only been married just 2 years...that has got to be hard on both of you.  Maybe he will change when you get the implants.  The best thing you can do is not to push him.  Dress sexy and see what happens.  The best to you...we all go through some tough times

Linda

Suzanne,

I don't have nipples yet but I recently posted the same question on another thread.  After listening to other women, some thought, and discussion with DH, I  came to the conclusion that men need to get to know them.  I think for men there is an emotional trauma, as women we talk about that, as men, I'm not sure they know how to process it.  These darn things almost took the most important person in their life away from them, it's a little hard to like em.  

Beyond that, we want to have the old sex life back, I'm sure it'll come but I'm impatient.  There have been many times that I end up in tears after sex because he didn't touch them enough or I thought he touched them only because I wanted him to, not because he wanted to, so I decided to re-introduce "the boobs".  After sex, I asked him to touch them, massage them, tickle them because I wanted to reintroduce touch and sensation.  I explained that it feels different when he touches because when I touch, my brain is processing what my fingers feel and therefore over compensates for what my breasts do not feel.  If he touches, my brain has only the breast sensation to process.  While he's touching I tell him how it feels to me and he tells me how it feels to him.  (We are not this kind of couple typically!) but somehow treating it in a non sexual way has helped both of us get to know the new me which is slowly leading to more interest in the foobs.  

Prior to BC, my DH wasn't as interested in my boobs as I thought he should be and I thought it was because I had "mom boobs", after a long conversation, I've discovered that he's not a boob guy.  He likes em, of course, and he's much happier that I have them than if I didn't and he likes the squishiness after exchange a million times more than with TEs but they are not a major key to his sexual happiness.  I was under the misconception that boobs were an obsession for all men, when in fact, it's more my obsession than his.  Saying it now, I think "duh", but it was a huge revelation for me!

In the end, like so many, he will not be terribly into them until they have nipples.  It's funny all my life I thought BIG boobs were important, now after all this expansion I learn that it's really all about the nipple, at least for my DH.

Sort of a rambling, round about answer but these are my thoughts. 

Julie 

Julie & Bayyy - thank you so much for your thoughts!

My DH, like Julie's, has never been a boob man - I know that, I've known it all along. He used to tell me that they were nice to have, but not necessary to be a certain size - size didn't matter. He told me the other day (on the phone) that he is ready to start massaging them for me, however he hasn't touched them yet. I haven't said anything to him about it because he had told me previously that he would do it at his own time and it would be quicker if I didn't push him. So I wait.

When he actually gets to the point when he can touch, I will try what Julie stated in her second paragraph. More than anything, I don't want to push him away.

And yeah, I would love to have the old sex life back - just need to pray for more patience, along with everything else.

I was originally going to have a diep without nipples in Stage 1.  Then, I just assumed that I'd just have nipples tattooed on later.  Nipples were not a big deal to me, and we'd not discussed it as a couple.  It's funny how each one in a couple can have such very different perspectives.  When the doctor suggested nipple sparing in Stage 1, I was kind of shocked and had to think about it overnight since I'd truly never considered it.  That's when I found out that it was a big deal to my husband. I knew he was a breast guy, but for some reason it wasn't clicking to me about the nipples being so key.  Live and learn.  

By the way, TimTam (member) has a double password protected web site you can go to and see reconstruction of all kinds including nipples posted by the members from bc dot org. It is very helpful. Send her a message to her to gain access.