Nipples--Men and Sex

dash

KorynH,

Your reply saddened me for you and made so many thoughts swirl thru my head. First, I'm so sorry for the immense pain and loss you feel. I wonder how common this kind of response is.

You have to understand, though, that I don't feel that way. I don't have those kind of feelings at all.  I hope, in time, you feel better. Oh of course, there have been moments of bitterness, moments of frustration with my reconstruction. But I have never hidden and said hands off.

It could never make me "sick" having my husband lavish love and affection on any part of my body, rebuilt or not, numb or not numb or with partial feeling. I love to be touched. I love the sight of it very much. My eyes see my husbands large gentle hands on my breasts and my brain translates it to yummm. Now before my bilateral, that yummm would have had about 10 more mmms added to it. But I can't go back in time and change my cancer dx so I've tried to embrace the new me. And when I get nipples, it won't be for his enjoyment only. I will enjoy the sight during intimate moments and I will enjoy seeing them when I'm showering or changing and I will enjoy them peeking out from clothes....and knowing...hoping...it will turn him on even more makes me feel happier. I win, he wins, we both win.

There was a terrible period of time after my husband had an accident. We were told that there was a possiblilty that he would lose all sensation-- everthing from the lower back down. If that had happened, do you think he or I wouldn't have wanted me to massage or stroke his legs or feet because there was no feeling? No. In fact, I would have lavished even more attention on him.

juliempw

KorynH,

That's an interesting perspective which I'm sure many share, but it's the first time I've heard it.  As Bay said, if this is an emotional denial, I hope that you can get past it.  On the other hand,  maybe it's just where you are and that's okay.  

I agree with Bay, so much of my intimacy is based on visual feedback but even more, the fact that he's turned on, turns me on.  It's part of what intimacy is.  I also see this as a part of my body that has been transformed, much like having a child (the stretch marks, the extra flab, the saggy boobs etc).  I want my husband to adore/admire/love the part of my body that has been sent to hell and has come back so beautifully, different yes but still beautiful, not only because of how it looks but because of the strength and determination that it represents in me.  I'm not talking pink and cute, I'm talking the strength and power that I've gained from this experience.

The sensation part, well, I firmly believe the more it's touched the more my neurons will do their job and I will have as near normal sensation as possible.  If you don't touch them, the neurons will not know to grow and will therefore never gain sensation so I say touch away.

I respect your perspective and I hope that you will at least look at the other side as I think it may bring a more holistic point of view to your body and it can build an additional bond with your partner.  But again, we are all different. 

Julie 

suzdtoflois

Bayyy & Julie - Again, Thanks. I think you have hit the nail on the head with this one. That is exactly how I feel and can't wait until my DH gets on board and wants to touch. I really want to ask him to touch me, but don't want to push him away - again. I wonder if something were to happen to him (like the accident) would he want me to not touch him? Could this be why he doesn't touch? BTW, he doesn't want to talk about it either. I am trying to be understanding, but my brain keeps telling me that I am the victim here and I would do it for him. I would respect his wishes, if wanted touched - I would touch & if he didn't want touched - I wouldn't. I know that he is a victim too & I have to respect that he still has a lot to get used to.

Suzanne

Jaimieh

I think it takes some time.  When I first had my tissue expanders I would run into things and not even know that I was bumping into them.   At the end I could feel the skin around the tissue expander.  It was not the way it was before   but I don't expect anything to be the way it was before my mastectomy.  Now I have flaps and they feel like my old girls used to.  My feeling is not back yet as everything was cut again BUT I expect to have some feeling again. 

 I do not think it is sick or twisted to have my DH want to enjoy my body just like I enjoy his.  I think this is a very strong statement and is degrading towards others. 

dash

Yes, for a long time after my original implants(I went straight to implants-no expanders) I was numb--walking into walls too! After some time passed--a year?- I felt whispers of nice feelings many places on my implants breasts and my cleavage gave me delicious little thrills. Once when my implants became inflamed, I experienced intense pain across my entire chest and when it subsided, I actually had more feeling than before. Maybe it woke up nerves?

Anyway, after experiencing too many problems with the implants, I had a DIEP 3 weeks ago and already I feel like I get goosebumps and I've looked down automatically because it feels like my nipples(which I don't have!!) have turned on.

Suzanne, I'm so sorry. I understand completely how frustrating it is because I've gone through it myself. One thing that helped my husband was attending a breast cancer convention where he talked with other men. I think many men need support groups to help deal their wive's BC. BC really does affect the husband too. And another thing that helped us was when I bought a book on massage and some good oils and lotions. The book I have focuses on a different area for each chapter. I have to admit we really became addicted to face massage and have done that the most. We start with the face and go to the neck and chest and then go back up to the ears, scalp and the back of the neck and upper back. the massager leans back against the head of the bed with the massage-ee lying between their legs. The lights are low, soft music on. The chest part of it wasn't in the face chapter but I started doing it on him and he just automatically followed suit...

juliempw

Suzanne, Try to give it time.  It is so hard to be a victim and harder when you're partner is a victim with you.  Sounds like you are in two different places.  My DH isn't much for talk either but he's learning because I'm relentless in my questions.  That all depends on your guy and your relationship but it sounds like somehow the two of you need to find a common ground and communicate by talking or touching or both.  I love Bay's idea of men talking to each other, but I think I'd have to trick my husband into attending that one.  Sounds like you have a fabulous relationship, Bay.

 Julie 

vision4utoo

I just had nip reconstruction and I am  very pleased with the results of the entire reconstruction results - I went in for simple TE, exchange with implants and nip recon - I was, admittedly, holding my breath about what these ladies were going to look like - they look much better than most of the reconstruction pix I have viewed! (I went out and bought a Thank you Card today for my Plastic surgeon!)

 I didn't think it would matter to me or make much of a difference - it did and it does!!!  I am not in a relationship or marriage at this time, so sex is not an issue - but I am sure I will still feel self conscious when the time comes, so yes, I am very happy with reconstruction.  The surgery for nipple reconstruction was very easy - much easier than the last 3!

 btw:  My breast surgeon passed away last week - I could not think of a more compassionate, wonderful man to tell me I had cancer and to perform my mastectomy - his memorial was beautiful and packed wall to wall for the number of individuals who held him in such high regard

Be well ladies!

vision4utoo

another comment:  These implants will never be the same as mine - but they are the new mine and the only true complaint I have is that they hurt when I roll over - hoping that disappears with more healing time!

suzdtoflois

Julie - I would have to trick my DH into talking with other men. He thinks I worry too much, and maybe I do.

Bay - Maybe a massage book would work for us too.

Thanks

Suzanne

dash

Suzanne, it might be worth a try! The facial massage is so relaxing and it's so natural to reach down and add some chest massage. I think it worked because it's a non-sexual. non-threatening touching. And hopefully he'll catch on and do the same to you...it may help him get used to the new you a little easier. Mine is a classic 70s book "The Massage Book" by George Downing. I found a great condition used copy.

Regarding the men talking, no way is my husband normally into it but when we went to this breast cancer conference for the weekend, we had to sign up for various classes and one of the classes was a men's class given by the author of Breast Cancer Husband (Marc Silver) Evidently, he made it so easy and natural to talk to each other and then we also met lots of couples there and the subject was BC so that's what everyone just naturally spoke about. No real tricks just the right time and place.

Julie, no I wouldn't say it's fabulous, lots of struggles just like everyone else. I think it's just that we've been going through the BC journey for a longer period of time so we've dealt with some of this stuff already. I hope the benefit of our experience can help someone else. Maybe save someone else some pain.

Vision4Utoo--woo hoo! Congrats, it's so wonderful to hear about someone finished and happy with their reconstruction! I can't wait to finally, finally be finished. Nippleless for 3.5 years and counting here! Ughh

typhoon55

Suzanne,

Does this bring back memmories for me.  During the expansion phase I asked my husband to just touch the expanders.  Well he just kinda poked at them which left me very upset.  HIs response was that he had to get used to them, they weren't the same.  Ah yeah.  But after a major crying spell we talked it out.Maybe he didn't want to cause my pain as I had a lot of pain in 1 side due to having rads many years ago.   Dh is now better.  We also did the massage after the exchange, where he touched around the area and I told him if I felt if or not.  This got him used to the touching the implant.  Now I just had nips done and showed him today what they look like.  He was impressed with the nips and said he can't wait to touch them.  I know he will also need time to get used to the new nips but I do recommend the gentle massage and touching around the area so he can get used to the new feel.  I actually feel very pretty with the new nips and areola!!!!

Janet

juliempw

Bay, Sounds like a great conference.  Maybe we'll get that opportunity sometime.  We had that book, boy was it helpful through the beginning of all this!

Vision, Love your outlook!

Julie 

suzdtoflois

Janet, yep - that's it exactly - will try the touching exercises and see if that helps. Just had what should be my last fill yesterday, so we should be scheduling the exchange soon.

Bay - I will keep my eye out for a conference around here, I feel like that would be the only way that DH would talk to other men about bc.

Thanks everyone!

Suzanne

Dejaboo

Bumping this Up.

Infreyred

I just had my nipples done after a bilateral DIEP. Kinda didn’t want them as it was fun to go braless and not worry. I did it as a “present” for my husband.

It’s all my own tissue, just pinched out and sewn with a butterfly stitch. The PS also fixed other imperfections (depressions) during the surgery, with fat grafting.

I have to say that when I look in the mirror I think it is all very sexy Nipples not huge so just showing a little is great I am 66 and never had boobs like this! And now my stomach fat is gone too I will have the tattoos done on 3 months It’s been a long road but grateful to have a fabulous PS who is also an artist

(Only prob now is a lower stomach bulge) Time and exercise will address weather this will need surgery

KCMC

Infreyred, thanks so much for your post. I am going in on Friday to have mine done. I had a bilateral DIEP done May of 2017. I am now ready for phase 2. I was just second guessing my decision but after reading your post I feel better. So glad everything worked out for you.