Spousal issues....

In mid-November I was diagnoised with DCIS.  My surgery [lumpectomy] is now set for February 1.  The "delay" was a combo of research, holidays and assorted crisis in the form of additional tests necessitated after BC diagnoistic tests raised other issues.  But I'm fine now, really, down from a high of three cancers to a low of one.  Yippee.

Household background:  I work outside the home, my husband works inside the home.  We have three kids at home--12, 10, 8.

Since original diagnois my husband has accompanied me to ooddles of appointments.  And he has given me lots of hugs. I really appreciate it.  But here's the "fly' in the ointment:  My husband is also, in my humble opinion, suffering from depression which often manifests in insomnia.  He has been this way for YEARS---this is NOT related to my situation.  Oh and he has ADD. All of which combine to mean that many many things in our house get forgotten or not done or can't be adhered to.  Like a budget.  Husband can't keep track of spending. This makes it impossible to budget.  Laundry is another good example.  There are always heaps of laundry.  Now you might think that with kids the age of mine, they could help in doing laundry.  I think so too.  But husband doesn't think they will do it "right." Okay says me, let them wash their own darned clothes [which for 2 of them are uniforms] and if its not right, who cares?  No go.  So except for when my exceptional mother in law visits, there are HEAPS of clothes waiting to be washed.  Dishes end up the same way.  Husband can't seem to get himself in a system/routine that gets them done.  So the kitchen is mostly a mess.

Not being the tidiest person on the planet I could probably live with all that BUT husband is always complaining about being stressed and needing time to himself.  Now I get that it was hard when we had kids at home and there was constant stuff/demands but honestly now, I just don't get it.  The 3 kids and I are gone by 8:45 am.  No one is home until 3:30pm.  Isn't that time to himself?  Okay there is stuff he should be doing but he doesn't do it so call it "self time" and be done with it.

But he doesn't.  What he does is to constantly say how stressed he is and how he needs time to himself.  Okay but the 3 kids also need time with the whole family.  Unfortunately when we do that, more often than not, he goes with us and is grumpy the whole time to the point that I think it'd be more fun to leave him home. 

Then there's plan B which is where I get myself and the kids up early in the am on a day that I am not working and we all get out of the house and stay out all day and leave him to the house by himself.  The problem is that he has really specific ideas as to what makes this worthwhile to him as in we have to leave so that he wakes up to an empty house. . . .which means by 7:30am.  And when we haven't, then well, per him, it doesn't matter, its not good enough.

Yesterday was one of those attempts to give him a day to himself.  I had MLK off.  The kids and I left later than he wanted but still before 9am.  We had breakfast together and then I schleped people to playdates and went to do a bit of grocery shopping [I like cooking so that wasn't such a bad thing for me].  I drove about 110 miles because one was a long distance playdate and we weren't back until 6:30 pm.  This morning, husband had been up half the night with the insomnia thing so I tiptoed around, got everyone getting breakfast, did lunches and got us all gone without him waking up. 

In an effort to get myself some exercise, I bought a bike which had to be picked up.  Husband finally went to get it today and en route we had lunch.  Lunch was a disaster. When we met husband thanked me for letting him sleep, I said I hoped it helped as I wasn't going to be able to organize him having time away for a couple of months.  He said it didn't matter, not to worry, i should have just woken him up. Well the problem is, he DOESN'T MEAN IT because he says this and then he goes right back to complaining about how burned out he is how he must get some time to himself etc etc.  In fact, thats what he did last night when we all got home from giving him the day to himself.

We get to lunch and I ask him about sleep etc, I get monosyllabic answers. I said I was sorry he wasn't sleeping, he says he thinks its getting better.  Maybe I shouldn't have but I said I have concerns over this:  here you are having sleep issues after you have had a whole day to yourself.  That doesn't seem to be better.  Then I said I thought maybe he should check out a support group for family members dealing with cancer.  He said that would add to his stress because it would mean he needed to deal with more people.  I screwed up my courage and said that as I read more and more about research about people needing people/interaction support to be healthy, I couldn't help wondering if his attitude about people was part of the problem.  I made a point of saying that I didn't question that given events in his life he sure did have some reasons to lack faith in humanity and not want alot of contact but still maybe that was the problem.

The crux of his response was that in 47 years he had never gotten anything he needed from people so why should he expect differently.  And yes, he said never and yes he included me in that calculation. 

And I couldn't help it, I had to ask why the heck, if you get nothing you need from me, why are you married to me? Why do you have a wife and kids?

And he got angry and said I was unsupportive and that I never listen or ask the right questions and that he had to leave.

Okay, I'm unsupportive, I am a crappy wife. But I'm still left wondering:  if you feel like Aaron in "the Little Drummer Boy," [the one who hated people]  why on earth did you get married?   And I'm also wondering when the heck I get to focus on ME instead of trying to baby you--remember me, the one stressing about whether DCIS is going to just be DCIS or whether like other women on this list, I will find I have something bigger to deal with.

Some days I feel like I am juggling just too many balls.

Any suggestions on a good antidepressant?

Thanks for listening.