How to tell the kids

Awaywego,

I'm soooo sorry you have to be here.  I have 6, 8, and 14 year-old kids, so I know how heart-wrenching it can be.  Openness worked best for us - we basically gave each child as much or as little information as they wanted/needed.  One thing that helped my younger two was a book called "Becky and the Worry Cup" - it's a childrens book about a girl whose mother had cancer, and she developed some good strategies for helping cope with emotions and fears.  I highly recommend it.  

We tried hard to balance the tears and fears with lots of humor, hugs, and extra family activities and memory making.  Kids are remarkable strong and resilient, and I bet you'll find that they handle things better than you expect.  I think it's important to make sure they have things they can control. Give them responsibilities and let them help you.  

Hang in there, and keep reaching out.  There's a ton of support here, and a wealth of experience with just about anything you can imagine.

PS - If you do happen to be triple negative, focus on the fact that chemotherapy is especially effective for TN since it acts on fast-growing cells.  There's a specific forum for triple negative too, but check out some of the other forums too.  

Just be as factual and non-emotional as you can stand to be. They shouldn't have to share your fears; after all there is no reason why you shouldn't be OK at the end!!! I tried to keep the schedule as normal as possible; I went to all the activites I felt up to, and my husband was there if I couldn't be. We did a lot more 'quiet' activites like watching movies etc. so even if I didn't feel good, I was still there. Good luck!

As the others have said, be straightforward and honest but they really don't need a lot of details.  I have a 12 and 17 year old (obviously older than you kids).  We told our kids an hour or so before dinner, talked about it, answered their questions, and then they went off to do whatever they were doing.  We then had dinner, watched a movie, etc...  All the things we would have done on a Sunday night.  There will be disruptions to their lives but we tried to keep things as normal as possible.  I had lots of doctor's appt early on, trying to figure out who "my team" would be and what I was going to do.  It got much better after the first couple of weeks.  I had a bi-lat mastectomy in early in Dec. and now I am doing chemo.  Yes, the good news is triple negative is highly responsive to chemo.

You aren't weak or letting anyone down. All those people who will tell you that you should have done or not done this or that to prevent this whole thing have no idea what they are talking about. Unless you have the BRCA gene (and most do not) there is no particular reason you got this other than bad luck. It might even be time to buy a lottery ticket to see if your good luck is working in other spheres - that theory hasn't worked for me yet, but it should for somebody!

I'd bet that the children already know that something is happening. If you tell them a child's version of what is going on sooner rather than later, you won't be keeping a secret any more. From what you have said, your prognosis is good which means you can present the information without fear. My then five year old grandson needed to be told as he lives one street away and is in my daily life. His mother (my daughter) and I decided to tell him before surgery that I had a bad boo boo in my boob and the doctors were going to fix it. Then when it was determined that I would have chemo, we told him that I needed some medicine to make the bad boo boo stay away - and then he learned about silly side effects. The information was presented without fear and without the C word (he didn't know it anyway) - he has been very matter of fact about it and brought a ton of sunshine into my days.

Hugs, Awaywego, you are in my heart. I can also relate to this: "I know none of this is my fault but at the same time I have this nagging feeling I have let everyone down. Often times I perceive my cancer as a weakness.... Anyone have these thoughts?"

I don't know when or how we got the memo that mommies (and nanas) aren't allowed to get sick, but somehow we all picked up on it! 

I still find myself apologizing to my husband when I come down with a bad cold or a flu. It's probably one of the single most things he says frustrates him most about me.

In my head, I know it's not my "fault" -- but in my heart I feel weak and vulnerable, and don't like that feeling.

My daughter told my grandsons, (ages 6, 12, and 15) and pretty much explained it without the word cancer, too. The older boys took it really well. The younger one just keeps hugging me and wanting to kiss the boo boo away. They are so precious!

Good heavens yes and i thought i was the only one! I feel as though I am just a huge disappointment to my kids. I sit up at night to deal with my emotions and zoom around this site and others just to connect with other triple negs and others. I feel so guilty sometimes!

My kids are 4 years and 15 months old. My daughter had not turned 4 yet when I was diagnosed. I was afraid to talk to her about it and did not know how to begin. I decided to tell her that mommy has a "bad boob" and the doctors are going to help me fix it.

As time went on, and she got used to me going to the hospital for treatment, I started to bring her for follow up visits. She needed to see that even though mommy was sick for a few months, that I was getting better.

After my bilateral mastectomy, my home health nurse gave me the best advice. She said that children are very accepting. When she finally saw my scars a week later, my daughter told me they were beautiful.

Since then, I have been talking to my daughter about radiation. She did ask me some questions about dying. I just told her that was why I was going to see the doctor and having treatments, so that I woud prevent that from happening.

I hope this helps.

My children were 7, 9 and 13.  They had just lost a friend from leukemia six months prior.

I was slow telling them that it was cancer but they eventually figured it out.  They asked ..."do they have a cure" and I said no but that my doctors were great and they were going to work hard at it. That seemed to help.

I think my youngest was the most scared about me losing my hair although I always wore my wig. (being vain and all).  We tried to make light of all of it.  I told them that laughter killed cancer cells so they all pitched in......whenever I had a great laugh they reminded me that the cancer was being killed.....even the dogs helped!

For Halloween they wanted me to answer the door without my wig to scare the kids.  And then there was something on Nickelodean where they wanted me in a video so they could submit and win a prize.  (Fortunately they eventually forgot about that)

I went to work every day..... I made sure that nothing changed in my house....things were exactly as it always was.  I think this was key.

You can look at my signature......very bad path but I will be celebrating six years this year.  The treatment today is good.....  If I can beat it....so can you!

All the best.... I know our children are everything.

Jacqueline