Unmarried daughter is pregnant

From my point of view people can think whatever they want. I wouldn't even care. My workmate and his gf are not married, just living as common laws. They have two gorgeous kids, 12 and 8 years old. They just feel wedding is not for them. I personally don't see any difference between a life like that and a marriage.

For most people that's not an issue. So please don't worry

Edited to add: Congratulations on becoming a grandma!

Hiya Renee

 I fell pregnant with my 16 year old out of wedlock.  I come from a very protective South African background.  My father didn't allow me to go to school disco's or kids parties.  As soon as I could I rebelled. 

I was 20 when I fell pregnant.  I did not get support from my parents and it was really hard.  I was sooo much in love with his dad.  At six months pregnant I found out that the daddy had lied to me about absolutely everything what his name was how old he was etc etc etc.  The worse was to come he had three kids from three different girls.  It shattered my life.

The only thing that pulled me through was that my parents had come through for me in the end.  No matter how upsetting it was for them, Tyron is the apple of their eye.  My mom and dad won't have one word said against him.  Yes people did talk (especially as my dad was high up in the church) but family ALWAYS pulls through for you. 

I seriously wouldn't be worried what other people are saying, so what.  Everyone has skeletons in the cupboard, I defy anyone who says differently. 

You just be there for your daughter, she will need you right now.  I promise you will look back at this time in years to come and think it was really ridicilous feeling like that!!

(PS my nan always told me I'd be pregnant by 16!! So at least she gave my parents good warning LOL)

Jinny

This happened to my daughter as well.  Ahhhh, yes!    It's hard to think what people say, but there's really nothing YOU can do but hold your head up and move on.  If you and your husband support your daughter and boyfriend, then nothing else matters.  It's all about those the parents....and kind of about you and his parents. 

In five years, it won't matter what people say.  I can guarantee some of those tongue waggers will be in your shoes, and suddenly they won't be so "above it". In fact, something like what happened to me MAY happen to you.  One of the "waggers" came teary eyed to me because her daughter was pregnant. "How did you do it? How do you make it through this tragedy?"" she wanted to know.  I just smiled, and said, "It wasn't a tragedy.....it was a life", and walked away.  Not nice, but there was a little bit of vindication there. 

 Love that grandbaby!!  Congratulations!

Jennifer

Hi Renee,

I remember (probably 30+ years ago) my friend's SIL became pregnant by her steady guy.  They had talked marriage before so he was all for it.  She would not have it.  She insisted that she would NOT get married because she was pregnant.  If "marriage" desire was real (not imposed by the situation) the desire would survive pregnancy.  They married when baby was about 3 mos. old.  They are still together (with more kids.)

My older brother (as a 'mature' professional man) shocked my Mom out of her socks.  And I think she may have suspected her DIL of 'trapping' him.  I think my brother was more insistent on marriage; I always had a "feeling" that my (now ex-) SIL really hadn't intended to 'trap' him and it was truly 'accidental.'  She always seemed to resent being married to my brother and used my nephew as a pawn for 18 years until she found someone else, divorced my brother and cut the very tightly wound apron strings from my nephew.  So marriage as "the right thing to do" sometimes misses the mark.

Try to ignore what other say (yep, yep, easier said).  It is obvious you love your daughter and the father of your grandbaby.  By the time Precious Widdle Tootsie Toes arrives you will be so distracted that you won't even hear what the "toxic" people say, much less give a rat's patootie about it.  Is everyone's heart in the right place?  Then only good can come of it.  Congratulations to you all.

Peace,

Beth

The world is so different from when I was a teenager. Although a couple of girls in my class did get pregnant it was pretty close to shameful. One girl kept her baby but the other dissapeared and gave them up. Heaven only know who might have had an abortion.

Times have changed. Heck, the President arrived a bit early himself.

I'm glad that the shamefulness of un-wed motherhood and children of un-wed mothers is diminished. That's not a good way to start out a life. I'm sure if it were my children I'd be hinting an d leaning heavily on them to marry before the baby arrived, but end the end you'll still be thrilled when baby arrives. 

So congradulations! You're going to be a Grandmother. I hope everything goes well and you have a healthy grandchild. 

My daughter would have married a real turd if she had married the father of her baby.  They were living together in an apartment down the hall from us.  He would do nothing to help with the chores or the baby.  Then he left her for his girlfriend.  Sounds fun.  Then he and his parents tried to kidnap the baby and we had to kidnap him back. 

If anyone dared make a comment about her being unmarried, "Thats my daughter and my grandchild.  Nothing else matters."

Now she has a better boyfriend.... we are waiting to see what THEY decide to do.

congratulations on becoming a grandmother---enjoy this baby and who gives a "fig" what people think.  If she needs assistance, there are federal agencies to help with medical, WIC, etc.  Plenty of people use these resources, so if eligible, apply.  Again, congrats.

My daughter was 19 when she became pregnant with her first son. She felt compelled to marry the father and my husband and I did our best to talk her out of it.

Yes, times have changed. Marriage simply for the sake of a baby is not a good enough reason to get married. It sounds like what you are doing is projecting your own fears and feelings about what is happening onto your daughter.

Back to my daughter, as it turns out, that marriage ended in a disaster. They ended up divorced before the baby was 2 years old. 

Some time later, she met and fell in love with a wonderful man. They have been living together ever since, and they have 2 sons of their own now.

And my daughter still refuses to marry him. To her the entire divorce thing was much more of an emotional trauma, and she never plans to go through that again.

In this case, I'd love for them to get married, but they feel more comfortable this way.

Will it work out for your daughter better or worse if they get married? Who knows. But the point is, it is her responsibility and she will either feel like she made the right decision or the wrong one, but it would still be her own decision. If she were to succumb to pressure from others that she loves, just because of the way they think others will think about her, and it doesn't work out, who knows if that alone might not cause damage to your relationship with her. She may regret it and feel that had you not pressured her, she would have made a different decision that would have turned out better.

Of course we all know there's no way she can know that.

But prove to her that you trust who she is as an adult and that you love her and trust her no matter which way she decides to go.

That's all we can do as moms, after a certain point in our children's lives! Give them permission to fail or succeed on their own.

PS: Congrats on being a nana! It's 100 times better than being a parent!

ReneeS

It sounds like everyone is beginning to adjust and are ready to welcome the little newcomer.  Even though the wedding may be delayed for a while I would like to suggest that the young couple begin their marriage preparation classes or at least talk to their parish priest.  I am not a Catholic but it is my understanding that the classes are very important and full of good information.

You may also wish to enroll them in a family financial course.  This will enable them to have a shared understanding of financial goals and be able to talk about finances from an informed perspective.  Most divorces are caused by financial problems and arguments.  My sister's children all attend a course and what a difference it has made in their lives.  I am sure there are excellent classes in your area.  My sister's family attend one called "Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University".  The one my  family attended was sponsored by a local church.  http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/

Best wishes to you and your family.

Hi there

We have three children, two sons and a daughter. One son and the daughter got married and then had children, my other son started living with a really lovely girl and then announced that she was pregnant. Her mother and me both said that we would prefer for them to be married when they have children, It fell on deaf ears. Ten years years on they have two children, are very happy and totally committed to each other BUT still not married. I have stopped worrying about this. I tell myself that a lot worse things happen. They are happy but I would still rather they were married.

Mal x