THAT STUNG..................

jenn3
jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Today I woke up feeling down, no particular reason, just a down day.  It happens, a bad day here and there - I'll get through it.  But.... today wasn't just a bad day - my feelings got hurt for the first time in a really long time by people who really don't matter, but it hurt.

I forgot to bring my lunch with me to work so I ran over to Subway - getting ready to check out and the man behind the counter looks up and says "How may I help you Sir, Ma'am, Sir, Ma'am".  He was busy, I understand - I have very, very short hair and was wearing a black trench coat over my black suit. Although it caught me off guard and was my first Sir, I was okay after the little sting of hearing Sir for the first time.

Then........... about 2 hours later a client I haven't seen in years walked by my desk - I was busy, looked up smiled at him and he looked at me with that I know you, but why look.  As he was walking out he glanced at my nameplate, which told him who I was - I used to talk to him daily for years, so at that point he knew who I was.  He leaned over to my co-worker and whispered "WHAT HAPPENED TO HERRRRRRR".  Yes, he did that loud whisper thing.  Ouch - that hurt my feelings.  Bigger sting - two in one day. Tearing up as I type this, but I just needed to say it to people who understand.   

Yes, my hair is extremely short - still growing out, but really - keep the comments to yourself or at the very least, keep them away from me. 

Guess I'll go home take a good walk - hot shower and hope to wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.

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  • lovetosail
    lovetosail Member Posts: 544
    edited January 2010

    OUCH, sorry jenn3.  I can imagine that hurt.  I am in the middle of chemo now, and the hat/scarf look signals this to everyone.  I've had plenty of the strange looks etc. that you describe.   I wish we didn't stand out so much during treatment and subsequent regrowth period of hair.  Like you said - keep your comments to yourself!

    I  hope the good walk and hot shower helps. 

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  • swest
    swest Member Posts: 680
    edited January 2010

    Jenn3 - I know how this feels!  I am so sorry it has happened to you too! When I was in elementary school my mom would keep my hair very short.  It was curly and she did not know what to do with it.  When I'd go to the roller skating rink with my friends they would have a "all girls" skate.  Several times I was asked to get off of the floor.  They thought I was a boy.  I would cry all of the time.  When I went through chemo I was worried about this issue so I bought big hoop earings, wore lipstick and did all I could to display that I was female. 

    People are stupid!  Try your best to ignore them as they are ignorant! 

    Hugs your way!

    Sonia

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited January 2010

    Jenn - I'm so sorry those things happened. It is totally understandable for those events to hurt your feelings. I think there are fragile elements inside us after all we have gone through (and are going through).  I went to the hairdresser today for a tiny trim (I mean TINY - just the loose ends that are uneven) and while my hair is growing in nice and thick and fairly quickly (although still super short), and I should be grateful...well, sitting in the chair and looking at myself in that mirror as she worked really got me down. I didn't expect it to. But it did.   Just like at the gym, when i am working out, if I look at myself in those BIG mirrors too much....it isn't good for me. 
    So let's you and I check this day off the calendar and say it sucked and tomorrow will be better. In the photo above, which one are you? All three of you are beautiful!

    AND - even though we are all the way up here in MD, we are cheering for your Saints next weekend. Beat those Colts!

    In sisterhood,
    Amy

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited January 2010

    After typing this I went into the restroom had a good cry - then read your words of support. Thank you so much - starting to feel better.  It's seems these things happen on bad days - why I don't know, but they do. Had it happened on a good day I may have been able to let it roll, but today I just couldn't do it. 

    Amy - I'm the one on the left, my youngest (18) in the middle and oldest (26) on the end.  And.... can you believe it - after all of these years the Saints are headed to the Superbowl.  Wow!!! 

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited January 2010

    Sorry Jenn.  People just don't think. 

    I had a bit of a sting today - I work in a law firm, we handle estates (aka dead people) all day long so we can be a bit frank about death.  Anyway we were talking about my dad's estate - for some reason it got kicked back because they needed my dad's divorce decree even though my mom has passed years ago.  So the paralegal says - "you were married before right?"  I said yes (it was when I was 18).  She said "Well, in your spare time - go find the attorney who did your divorce and get a certified copy of your divorce decree and put it in your safe at home.  I don't want to be having to help Joe with that"

    Gee - thanks for the vote of freaking confidence.

    Actually - it probably wasnt directly related to me, bc, or anything else.  This is just how she thinks because she deals with estates all day but it stung nonetheless.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited January 2010

    Oh, Jenn, yep, some people are insensitive idiots. End of story. At least your hair will grow - they will always be idiots.

    Tomorrow will be a better day! 

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited January 2010

    Oh, Mary, ditto for you. Idiots.

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  • victoriasecret
    victoriasecret Member Posts: 333
    edited January 2010

    Ohh Jen...yes today I ran into an old friend ...she of course had no idea what has been happening to me ...she was one ahead in the checkout and I really debated saying hi ...but did in the end...she said Oh I did not recognize you with your hat on I am so used to seeing your hair ...I coulda cryed she had no idea I have ...well ...very little but growing hair...I think this part of being in treatment is the saddest for me,because when you wear a wig some clue into it and stare...when you wear head scarves people stare.

    I had radiation tday and my gfs and I went for lunch it is the first time I took off my hat because my  hair resembles a very short boy cut and I mean short...but i bit the bullet and went without...had a great lunch !!!

    much love

    Cheryl

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  • victoriasecret
    victoriasecret Member Posts: 333
    edited January 2010

    ps good luck to the "Saints" !!!

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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited January 2010

    Oh Jenn..ugh day, huh?  Sigh...this too shall pass.  Hey, on the bright side...even MN Vikings fans are cheering for the Saints! (well, we are now...we weren't on Sunday hehe)

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  • Kyta
    Kyta Member Posts: 713
    edited January 2010
    Sorry to hear about your day Jenn3 and hoping tomorrow is better Smile
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  • Nordy
    Nordy Member Posts: 2,106
    edited January 2010
    Oh my GOSH. These stories are heart wrenching! I am so sorry - people ARE idiots! When I started getting my hair back, I always went without a hat or wig - we lived in Southern Cal and nobody even batted an eye. BUT, we went on v-k to Utah and I had one cashier at a grocery store totally staring at me, then the next day - some punk kids were calling me Harry Krishna when I left another store. If I hadn't felt so fragile at the time, I probably would have grabbed one of them by the shirt and walked them back into the store to find their parents and asked their parents what kind of insensitive *ssholes they were raising for children.... BUT, having been exhausted from chemo - I was nowhere near my normal fiesty self... and it just hurt. People will always be stupid. LOL... Now let me tell you how I really feel... Wink
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  • lexislove
    lexislove Member Posts: 2,645
    edited January 2010

    Im sorry your feelings were hurt. Mine were hurt too going through chemo, and it was by a supposive friend...<sigh>

    Nordy is right...people are idiots and most should think before speaking.

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited January 2010

    Oh Jenn - I am so sorry you were hurt today.  I so love Kerry's remark.  They will 'always' be idiots.  Made me laugh.  They should be ashamed of themselves!   Even if your coworker had no idea what you have been through it is still wrong, wrong & horribly wrong!!!  Why not just say hi, good to see you back.  

    I 'always' had long hair & this short hair challenges my self confidence.  We need all the compliments we can get.  If someone has nothing nice to say then just be quiet.  

     I have been mistaken for my brother's brother.  My brother is the only boy in the family but I guess I really confused this person.  

    I make sure I always wear little stud earings.  

    Hugs

    Bev

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited January 2010

    You can't fix stupid.

     Sigh.

    Leah

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited January 2010

    Damn it Jenn, Thank just sucks.  I can imagine how you must feel.  I HATE my bald head and have feared exactly what happened to you.  I'm sorry that happened.  Try to remember it's just temporary, and you will grow beautiful hair again.  But in the meanwhile, blah to them!

    Love,

    Sharon

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited January 2010

    hi jenn

    look, you are doing great. as everyone above my post has said; people are stupid and they are caught up in their own crapolla. that is all i have to say.

    if it makes you feel any better; i was called "SIR" pretty much all my life. i am very tall...6'1 and athletic looking. i had always worn my hair long....but after chemo...and being a baldy...and after my hair grew in ..i decided i really liked it short. i think will all the hair i had prior to chemo..no one could see my ear rings. lol now, they can see the ear rings....and very rarely do i get called SIR.  actually, one day at the market a few month ago...when i had my cycling outfit on..someone called me sir.  sigh...oh well.  well, i live in california...southern california...hmmm Cool  and you know how we are in california. lol

    hang in there. you...and everyone here...are beautiful inside and out. bald...short crew...long locks...we are survivors. never give up.

    diana50

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited January 2010

    people have said plenty of stupid things to me.. why is that we have to lose our hair.

    however,.. this a cute story.  I was at the grocery store in the parking lot and a huge gust of wind blew my brown hat off my head.  I panicked..  I didn't have a scarf on and it was early in my bald days.  Some guy ran and got it.  I was practically in tears till I looked at his totally bald head and smiling eyes.

    he liked it.

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited January 2010

    Cancer has brought AMAZING people into my life. I am sure it has for you to-try to focus on the kindness you have been exposed to and unfortunately there are just a lot of insensitive people out there that are in a different phase of life. They haven't experienced their life lessons that help them evolve into a certain type of person-I just stay way from people like that and kind of feel sorry for them.. Your lightyears ahead of people like that and don't need to have anything to do with them.

     With that said-what an ass.

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited January 2010
    as pure has said; cancer has brought amazing people into my life. we are here. wow
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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited January 2010

    Well that sucks! Some people really are insensitive idiots!

    wallan

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited January 2010
    Like everyone has said stupid, stupid people say stupid, stupid things. I was called Sir when my hair was growing back, by the paramedics. When they came to take me to the ER., I couldn't talk to them to tell them, so imagine their surprise once I was loaded into the truck and they cut my shirt off. lol Embarassed
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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited January 2010

    Yep, I got called sir too. Hurts, but it passes and hair thankfully grows

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  • Celtic_Spirit
    Celtic_Spirit Member Posts: 748
    edited January 2010

    Apple - I was taking a lunchtime walk around campus one day while my hair was grey and about an inch long and I was still wearing my wig. The wig got caught on a tree twig and flipped off onto the ground in front of a whole lawn-full of college students. I was mortified, but I nonchalantly picked it up, stuck it on my head, and walked away casually to the nearest restroom so I could adjust it. Fortunately, I think most of the students were texting, so no one paid me any attention (or took a video of me and put it on YouTube. Gak!).

    So sorry, Jenn, about the hurtful comments. Like we really need anything extra to make us feel worse!

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  • Moissy
    Moissy Member Posts: 550
    edited January 2010

    Jenn,

    That "sir" thing bit me a couple of times too. Usually the person is so focused on their own world that they aren't paying real attention to what's around them. It's as though they don't really see you. Then they're usually mortified afterward. So try not to take it personally. That Subway guy was probably thinking about how many Italian hoagies he was gonna have to toast today.

    Someone once said that they didn't like to be around people who hadn't ever suffered...because in the suffering we become more empathetic to others and kinder people. You and all of us are a lot more sensitive to the pain of cancer....and I think it makes us more able to respond to others and be kinder in the same situation...if not now, then sometime in the future.

    One of my happy "bald" memories was driving somewhere by myself, taking off my hat --baring my bald head, opening the sunroof, blaring the radio, speeding along the highway and feeling the warm sun and wind whip over my head in a way it never could when I had long hair. It was a kind of freeing moment. (But still and all, I wanted my hair back in the worst possible way...It couldn't happen too soon. Yours will be picking up here too very soon!

    Every - Sorry to hear you got hit today also. Yep, I'm sure it was just a "business as usual" comment. When that happens, I want to say, "Hello? Lost a breast, not my heart!

    Wishing 2010 is better for both of you!

    Moissy

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited January 2010

    I started going "naked" towards the end of my chemo and one day I had someone come up to me in the grocery store and say something to the effect of "I admire you" or other similar comment....what is to admire...what did I do?  I had cancer, chemo and was bald and wanted to be comfortable!!!  It was just a weird comment. 

    Our hair is so much a part of our identity that when we loose it or it grows back different it is hard and affects our sense of self, so those comments are particualry hard on good or bad days.

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited January 2010

    I started going Topless during Rads, which was great in a way. I was going every day into a Cancer centre, so lots of people around me who were doing chemo, and every day someone would say to me "Wow, you have so much hair" and actually mean it!

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  • victoriasecret
    victoriasecret Member Posts: 333
    edited January 2010

    Kerry

    I too have now exposed myself(head) during rads ...and your right we are a sisterhood there( its all rads no chemo that is done on the 2nd floor)...we compare growth and chat ..I offered up my Mane & Tail shampoo tip ...I get laughs with that and of course I have to tell them no ses and then I whinny ...he he...ml C

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited January 2010

    Thanks - sorry I didn't check back in last night.  After the "sir" and "what happened to herrrr..." comment I was bummed.  Went to rads, came home walked the dogs, dinner and hit the bed.  Woke up this morning feeling better, then starting reading this and feel much much better - THANK YOU for the support.  I have had so much support from my family, friends and co-workers and have not had to endure too many stares - like those who said the live in CA - New Orleans we can pretty much dress or wear anything and get away with it.  However, the sir comment backed up with the what happened to her comment just caught me off guard - like you said  - some people are just idiots.  I want to say - I'm sorry for all of you that have had to endure idiots along the way. Thank goodness we have each other.

    Bugs/Gg08- Geaux Saints!!!  It's so exciting and what great timing - this and then Mardi Gras.  BTW - I liked the Vikings before Farve and Farve before the Vikings so when Vikings weren't playing the Saints I did pull for them.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited January 2010

    i had something kind of mean done to me by a Alzheimer's man..

    i was playing the organ and during communion, people walk right behind me.. just inches away.  This guy is Irish.. full of vim and vinegar and used to sing with my choir till he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.. or maybe that's the excuse his wife give to explain his BEHAVIOR.

    Anyway, I was wearing a wig (one of two times) and he pulled it off my head while I was playing.  There was a collective gasp... I'm very visible sitting there..  I cried while I kept playing and then forgave him because he was just giggling to himself as he walked away.  one of the ushers brought me my wig and i put it back on.  That was the last time i wore it. (except for a funeral).  I got a lot support from that incidence.... people brought us cakes and lasagnas .. some women came and cleaned my house.. my pastor came over after church to chat.

    that was the worst i think.  Still I played for him this last year while he sang Danny Boy at a party.. I don't think he remembered.

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