MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

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  • NativeMainer
    NativeMainer Member Posts: 10,462
    edited January 2010

    There is a great deal of fun and humor on this thread duirng the moments when things are going well for all of us.  But we all know those fun/everything going well times will give way to times of trial, pain, difficulty and fear.  We all also know that these problems will not always come from  breast cancer.  These other things affect us, perhaps more intensely because of our battle with the beast. I have no problem at all reading posts about other family members, other cancers, other trials.  I see this thread as a group of women with the common bond of bc who understand and support each other.  At our age, the challenges will come from many directions.  It's all part of our lives and I don't see any reason these things can't be discussed here.  So, we'll band together and support elimar, cookiegal, and anyone else.  Eventually we'll be in a place to have fun and humor again. 

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  • Kim09
    Kim09 Member Posts: 100
    edited January 2010

    Elimar - I am sorry that your mom has to go on hospice.  I went thru this 11 years ago with my father.  I will say that having my dad at home and having hospice come to him made it easier.  I am sending ((hugs)) your way.

    Cookiegal - ((hugs)) your way also.

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2010

    Not exactly an inappropriate tangent, but still I can't resist, Kleenex.

    Right after my bilat mx, my younger daughter sent me a greeting card with the picture of Thing One and Thing Two on the front.

    Inside, she wrote a very wonderful message about how difficult it is shop for a Hallmark card for your mom, about to have a bilat . This was the best she could come up with yada yada.

    She then went on...... maybe you think Thing One & Thing Two are us, your loving daughters (how on earth would she have ever imagined I might have referred to them in that simplistic manner??? seriously???) She went on......or maybe you think of your grandchildren, including the twins...... or maybe your old boobs can be remembered as Thing One and Thing Two.

    Then she wrote some sort of wonderful thing about how glad she was that I was strong, and loved them, and that I wanted to do everything in my power to be here "forever." Or something absolutely wonderful like that......

    The good news, is that there's very great odds that your teenage daughters will turn into twenty-somethings and with all the good fortune in the world you will reflect back on these days with less and less memory of the specifics.

    ***** Did I miss welcoming Ainm?? Where have you been??? We need you here. I took you up on that hug, by the way.

    xx00xx00xx00xx00xx 

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  • one-L
    one-L Member Posts: 1,110
    edited January 2010

    About 10 years ago, my DH's mom came to live with us.  She was 84 and she needed constant care.  She only lived 6 months after she moved in with us and it was so sad when she was gone.   I loved her like she was my mother and it was so hard to watch her go down a little bit every day.  We suffered terrible empty nest syndrome when she was gone.  We still have so many funny stories to tell about her during that six months, she was a remarkable woman.

    It is the cycle of life and sometimes there is just nothing we can do to change it.  It doesn't make it any easier though. 

    Sending gentle hugs.

    Juannelle

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  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited January 2010

    elimar I love that picture of the snow. It reminds me of Minnesota on a beautiful day.

    I like winter there, I mean the summer with trees and lakes and fishing is nice, but the winter is really special.

    On another note, my cancer center has a writing program, with a newletter, literary anthology, and recital. I woke up in the middle of the night and my whole story came pouring out, of how I discovered bedbugs and my cancer the same week.

    It's actually really funny.

    So now they will have a professional writer work with me, and if its one of the 10 best,they will put it in the recitial. I'm not sure if I read it or an actor.

    So that's some good to come of this mess.

    I think my cousins situation is so hard, because she was just recovering, at thanksgiving her hair was just about an inch long, she could just gel it into a headband.

    I know there are worse things than being bald, but it seems so unfair as she was just getting back to normal, to start all over again.

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  • NativeMainer
    NativeMainer Member Posts: 10,462
    edited January 2010

    Cookiegal--good for you!  If your story is chosen or not, this is a wonderful affirmation for you!  You're cousin's situation IS hard.  It's not fair that the beast struck again just when she was recovering.  Sure, there are worse things than being bald, but how many of them is your cousin experiencing right now?  She (and you) have very right to be angry, hurt, upset, discourage and generally pissed off about what's happening to her. 

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  • LauraM
    LauraM Member Posts: 251
    edited January 2010

    Cookiegal and Elimar -  I am so sorry about the struggles you both are going through!  My thoughts and prayers are with you both. 

    Ohmahagirl - Hope you had fun in the City - one of my favorite places to go!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    Elimar, I am just so very sorry about your Mom. I have done an enormous amount of hospice care.  I was my Mom's primary hospice caregiver (because of my medical background). This was vibrant woman who within a year went from working a fulltime job at age 75 to being curled up in a bed with all of her organs failing. It has been a brutal year 4 me. When I did put Mom on hospice protocol, it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But she had no quality of life and these were her wishes (written in advance). I gave her morphine in the hospital when it got bad (she had a very infectious disease) and I had to treat her in while dressed in isolation gear. My Dad was finally allowed in to her room at the end and we sat for three days holding her close. She begain "cheney stroking" around 5PM April 12. She passed at 2:27AM April 13. The greastest gift I could give her was to "be there." I heard her last breath thru my stethescope and called her time of death. She was in a coma by then and I know that the Lord had taken her soul long before on that day. I have no doubt that she is running with the angels and that the Lord needs her up there so much more than down here. I was in church today for the very first time since my chemo last week and went to support my Dad who rejoined the choir today (at age 84). A woman came up to me and handed me a beautiful silver angel. She told me that my Mom had given it to her a decade ago, when she was facing critical health issues. She said that she felt it only right that "that angel-so freely given by my Mom-come back to me. Wow, what a gift! Prayers for you and your family, SV

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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010

    I hope I didn't give the wrong idea, that my mom was "end stage."  Not yet.  She has a terminal disease and has had all the treatment available (to the point of toxicity) plus this final chemo that she did not respond to, so there's nothing more to be done treatment-wise.  So, on to hospice and "quality of life" care.  She may have many days, weeks, months, we don't know; but she is doing fairly well right now actually.  The situation is definitely serious, but it's not immediate.  Not yet.

    Thanks again everyone.  I know a lot of women on this thread have elderly parents and some are even caregivers like I am.  I know there is understanding here.  I may write more, or if that is too hard, I may not.  Sometimes the last thing I feel like doing (after dwelling on it in my mind) is to talk or write about it.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    OMG El, My bad, I had blown in from church with half a brain and jumped on the board without truly reading!! So sorry for taking you down MY road which is not yours. I also "assume" things and it forever gets me into trouble. Sorry and still, I think, even though your Mum is doing OK, the idea of "end of life issues" can be crushing. Sorry to offend if I did.SV

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    OMG El, My bad, I had blown in from church with half a brain and jumped on the board without truly reading!! So sorry for taking you down MY road which is not yours. I also "assume" things and it forever gets me into trouble. Sorry and still, I think, even though your Mum is doing OK, the idea of "end of life issues" can be crushing. Sorry to offend if I did.SV

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited January 2010

    elimar, there's a difference between hospice care and palliative care.  It's my understanding that palliative care can go on and on for a long time (as long as necessary), whereas hospice really is end-of-life care.  Maybe palliative care would be more appropriate for your mom at this point.  I've heard quite a few hospitals and medical centers have developed good palliative care programs.

    This is a difficult life-stage for us to be in, isn't it? 

    otter 

    [Edited to delete personal information.] 

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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010

    otter, the two terms (hospice care & palliative care ) were  used in combination and interchangably by the nurse specialist that spoke with us.  I know the mind kind of links "hospice" with end care (and that is probably why my mind started to twitch,) but actually it's..."a facility or program designed to provide a caring environment for meeting the physical and emotional needs of the terminally ill."   That's from Webster's.  So, the program will be in my home.

    StillVerticle, no problem.  Nothing to even hit the Caps Lock over. Really.  No matter what background you have and arrangements you make, I don't think anyone can be truly prepared for the loss of a loved one. The whole "circle of life" business is not to my liking.  Pffffftt!

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  • Ainm
    Ainm Member Posts: 781
    edited January 2010

    Evening ladies,

    I hope you all have been able to take some time for yourselves this weekend - time to recharge your batteries so to speak. 

    I found it so difficult not to get cross with mum today - she keeps moving her things around the house - separating power leads from their machines etc. For example I go to boil the kettle but the power lead is missing or the aerial lead for the TV.  She insists that she hasn't moved them - but there is no one else in the house!!! I know it is her memory and the dementia but it is so frustrating.  I know I should be delighted that her physical health is wonderful it's just the dementia is the problem.  I know that some of you are dealing with the very poor health of your parents and I hope you are coping as well as possible.

    It is so difficult to deal with this role reversal - when I was dx last year I would have loved to have Mum's support but she use to forget from day to day that I was ill - when I was too sick to do her meals, laundry, shopping, cleaning etc (I did arrange for someone else to do it) she use to phone me quite crossly demand to know why I wasn't visiting.

    Well I'm off to bed now - hope I get a few hours good sleep. Take care all.

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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010

    Ainm, since you brought up "the kettle" and since I am a tea-a-holic (but only by American standards, which are quite low) let me ask you this:  Sometimes I buy Twinnings Irish Breakfast Tea; is that even something that an Irish person would drink?  Is it the real deal? 

    My mom cared for my grandfather with Alzheimer's some years back.  One day I went over and on the table was a replacement head for a sponge mop -- with a bite out of it!  I asked him if he liked my mom's "sponge cake" or if it tasted stale?  Even he laughed.  He liked to rearrange things too and was very good at sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night also.   

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  • chrisct
    chrisct Member Posts: 2,662
    edited January 2010

    I am so sorry all these difficult things are happening to so many of us.  2010 isn't starting out on a very good note.

    Alzheimer's scares the crap out of me.  I'm not much of a caregiver.  I have no patience and I am squeamish so taking care of people with difficult health problems is something I was hoping I would somehow avoid.  But my mother is acting like she has Alzheimer's.  She's only 66.  She doesn't go to the doctor.  My father has tried to get her to go, but she won't and hasn't been in years.  She smokes and used to be on high blood pressure medication - which she isn't taking anymore.  And way back when, she used to have borderline sugar tests and was using diet to control it - so for all we know, she has diabetes issues too.  I don't think so since she doesn't have the excessive thirst or urination symptoms.  But her memory is terrible.  Can't even remember what has been decided during conversations.  She has entire conversations with my father and has no recollection of them later.  She can't program the VCR to record her shows anymore and she 's been doing that for 25+ years.  She knows she can't remember things, but I don't know if she is aware of how bad it is.  I think she is pretending it's not happening. 

    I am an only child so it will be just my father and me to take care of her.  And I have been a stay at home mom for many years and it is time for me to try to rejoin the workforce (in this economic climate with 10% unemployment) so I am really afraid that they are going to need help right when I can't give it - needing to work to pay for college for my kids.  I see very stressful days ahead. 

    I greatly admire all the caretakers and hope I can somehow find a way to cope when I am needed.  I have a hard enough time dealing with my problems and my problems with my immediate family...   Many prayers for all of us as we go through these difficult times.

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  • smithlme
    smithlme Member Posts: 1,322
    edited January 2010

    Sponge cake....ewwww.

    My dad is a three different types of cancer survivor at 84. (colon, kidney and skin) My mom is healthy as a horse at 78. They'll be celebrating their 61 year wedding anniversary in March. They still live in the same house that I was brought home from the hospital to.

    Tea-a-holic here, too. Tea was my moms cure all when we were kids. Upset stomach, drink tea. Headache, drink tea. She would brew a gallon jug and we were too lazy as kids to wait for the sugar to dissolve so we all drank ice tea without sugar. I still drink ice tea plain but hot tea with sugar and milk.

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  • carolinachick
    carolinachick Member Posts: 387
    edited January 2010

    Just popping back in after being away for the weekend.

    Hugs to you both, Elimar and Cookie.  Every time I hear of another person affected by cancer, I ask my husband, "Have I told you how much I HATE CANCER??!!??"  He always says that yes, I may have mentioned that before.  I hate that this dreadful disease is affecting your loved ones.

    Elimar - I'm also a tea-a-holic.  Never could stomach the taste of coffee.  I'm sure the Lipton I drink doesn't count as the "real deal."  What do you drink Ainm?

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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010

    Twinnings Tea gives theirs little colorful names sometimes, so I just thought I'd do some fact-checking about the "Irish Breakfast Tea" since I now have someone to ask.  (Let us not forget the total innacuracy of the "French" fry!)

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2010

    Popping in with a happy distraction.

    Today's is Cookiegal's birthday.

    Let's have a party.

    I am headed to the onc's office momentarily, or I'd start with decorations & a cake.

    Those who can insert graphics, could you add some??

    xx00xx00xx00xx00xx

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  • gillyone
    gillyone Member Posts: 1,727
    edited January 2010

    I am a Brit living in the US and drink tea. (what a surprise!) I buy Tetley "British Blend" which is described as premium black tea, a rich full bodied blend. (full bodied - that's a bit ironic!). If I were in the UK I would buy Brook Bond PG Tips - simply because that's what I grew up on. But Tetley's is much cheaper here and perfectly fine. The important thing for me is that it is tea and nothing else - no herbs, perfumes etc, just tea.

    Happy birthday Cookie.

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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010
    gillyone, I've seen Tetley's, but not sure if it was "British Blend."  I'm in a small city that has some brand limitations.  I got hooked on tea in the UK, so have had the PG Tips before.  Like smithlme, I also take my hot tea with the milk and sugar.  I like tea in the morning to start the day, and it's not like getting hit with the sledgehammer of caffeine from a cup of coffee.  But that's just how my body tolerates it now.  I drank coffee more in my 20's & I like the taste of that too.
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  • elimar86861
    elimar86861 Member Posts: 7,416
    edited January 2010

    cookiegal, Happy Birthday to You!  I got you some cyber-cookies.  Enjoy! 

                                         

    Don't worry about cleaning up the cyber-crumbs. I'll take care of it.

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  • Kleenex
    Kleenex Member Posts: 764
    edited January 2010

    Happy Birthday Cookiegal! Cyber-cookies are much better for your health than Girl Scout Cookies...

    I'm a "sledgehammer of caffeine" in the morning kind of girl. Didn't really like coffee until I lived in NEBRASKA and needed the warmth and energy to handle dark, cold mornings. Now I'm just in the habit... I do have my "tea moments," but if I have to get up and go, coffee is my fuel...

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  • carolinachick
    carolinachick Member Posts: 387
    edited January 2010

    Happy birthday Cookiegal!  Can we have cake as well as cookies to celebrate...and maybe some wine too?

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  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited January 2010

    Faith....I did post pictures but instead of here I posted on your thread by cookie. I dont know what I was thinking.

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  • NativeMainer
    NativeMainer Member Posts: 10,462
    edited January 2010
      
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  • smithlme
    smithlme Member Posts: 1,322
    edited January 2010

    Happy, healthy birthday Cookie!!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2010

    Nativemainer, that is one georgous cake you whipped up.  Happy Birthday, Cookie. 

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  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited January 2010

    Thank you everyone!!!!!

    Love all the birthday treats!!!!!Wink

    We had our "fattening bar food of the midwest" party. The tater tot fondue was great, the vanilla milkshake with Jim Bean was insane. Only one friend made a big "cancer fuss" over me. Best part, no cake, gourmet chipwitches!

    Hugs to all

    a slightly tipsy and very full Cookie gal

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