MISSING MY FRIEND

I know what you are going through.  This has happened to me with two friends,  it seems so unbelievable to me.  One friend was a friend from high school,  she did contact me several times and then nothing. The other one is going through financial difficulties and I know it's hard, but I really don't think it is the same as stage 3 breast cancer.  I have had so many losses in the past 2 years that i'm afraid to cross the street that I might be hit by a car. But, I'm a true optimist I keep trudging along.

some people just can not handle a BC diagnosis. Many of my daughter's classmates parents couldn't even look at me when I showed up at school with my chemo-head. I have decided to forgive most of them-- I remember asking my mother --who was widowed at 37-- why we didn't see any of the people we used to socialize with when my father was alive. She said, "they don't want to see me-- I remind them that it could happen to THEM."

I think it has happened to all of us - it is sad but true - tragedy brings out strength in some, but not in others.

I have gained far more friends than I lost but the ones I lost does hurt pretty badly, I have to admit.  I will not forget or give in - mostly because I just don't want them in my life.  I will be civil if I see them out - my kids still see them occaisionally but I just don't need it.  I thought it was just me but when I asked my dh to pick our youngest up at a bday party for a mutual friend he said no - he didnt want to deal with the former friends either! 

So I dont waste anymore anger on it, I am past that.

Kerry.....exactly.

Im a very unforgiving person. I dont see that as a bad thing at all. It allows me to see things for what they really are and people too. I have no time for drama or BS, none.

Bottom line, if you are my friend you should be there through the good...bad...and ugly.

Man I am such a pushover.  I just had a friend send me a message on facebook that she wanted to get together.  I was her maid of honor 20 years ago but we have lost touch.  Her husband is my exhusband's boss and she told me about 20 years ago that our friendship was too difficult because of that.  So, I ran into her occasionally throughout the years (every 5 years or so) and she was polite.  She has asked about me through my kids (mutual friends) but now wants to get together.  I left her a message on face book - sure.  What am I doing?  Do I really need this?  We were extremely tight at one time; like sisters.  This whole BC has made me not want to put up with any crap but also to not want to have hard feelings with people.  Still a people pleaser I guess. 

 I am sorry to hear your story. I have had such a hard time with people and friends since my diagnosis. It's so hard. I think you should decide what you feel is the write thing to do for you and based on your beliefs. Don't act in a way b-c she treated or acted in a certain way. If the right thing to do is sen dher a card or note -do that. You can then feel better that you acted the way you wanted to based on your beliefs despite how she has treated you.

Okay I am going to approach this from another direction.  I am in no way defending your friend, just piecing together the possible reason for her behavior.  

Losing a child is the most heart wrenching, gut twisting, black hole, and dark despair that anyone could ever face.  I have lost a parent.  I have stage III bc and am facing my own mortality.  All of that fades in comparison.  Your friend has felt the black void of emotions as well as the intense highs and lows. She has had the rug pulled out from under her and now works hard to make her world as stable as she can.  She never wants to feel any of this again, but it comes back to haunt her at the strangest and most unpredictable times.  She probably spends her life fighting the slippery slope back into this black hole even though it looks as if she has it all together most of the time.  In order to do that she has to be able to audit and edit things in her life.

Now having a close friend, one who was her rock and her supporter, needing the comfort and help is turning her world upside down again.  And she does not want to even contemplate experiencing another devastating loss.  So, she can face all that and give you the comfort and support that you so badly need right now, or she can pull that veil over reality and try to ignore it.  She is obviously doing the later.

Is it right?  No.  Is it what a best friend does? No. But it is clearly her coping method that has worked for her in the past.  It is not fair to you.  It sucks.  But I would ask that you try to see it through her eyes and try not to judge her too harshly.  Clearly she is toxic to your well being right now.  In my opinion, you can chose to sit her down and get her to open up or just let her go on her own way.  You need to worry about YOU right now.  

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, someone who has obviously been such a good friend.  Having been through this myself, I can only suggest that you understand that you cannot change your friends behavior and move on without too much anger.  There are wonderful people out there who are ready to support you when you need it...now. 

How cool.  My daughter's horse was name "Victoria's Secret".   Coincidence, or the universe's way of telling you to take our advice and cut her loose and let the resentment go with her.

I sometimes think it was harder for my husband than for me. He was the one left having to cope with organising everything, looking after me, looking after the kids, he has his own fears, etc.

He found his work really suffered, he was lucky enough to have very, very understanding employers, who said to him, just do what you have to do. But he still felt like he was letting others he works with down. He did get a bit of counselling, which I think helped him a bit.

Good for you!  You've followed your heart.  After what she has gone through I suspect she will be a better friend with more compassion.  Life can do that to us.

You are a beautiful person, really, and you did the right thing by going to her dad's funeral! That said, you must remember that she has not been a good friend to you way BEFORE the breast cancer from what you wrote. I think we survivors tend to think of everything as before and after diagnosis but from your initial post she has not been a reliable friend for years and years. This will NEVER change. People don't change.

I have a friend that is very similar. We were sorority sisters, she was in my wedding, we lived together, etc. but she drops in and out of my life on a whim and has never been there for me when I had any kind of crisis. Don't get me wrong, when she is "with" me she is wonderful, kind, funny, etc. But I can't count on her for anything. I have been hurt so many times by her lack of consistency because when I count someone as a close friend they become almost like family to me. I realized that she is narcessistic (sorry if I spelled that wrong) and its really ALL about her. I kind of figured this out now that she and I are "friends" on facebook. I have a window into her thought process and "life" .that I never had before. For instance, she has almost 700 "friends" and posts many  pictures of herself hoping for compliments, etc. She answers male friends MUCH faster than other women and all her posts are very pretentious about her music interests, concerts, culture, etc. Its like she is trying to prove how ecclectic she is. The reason I even mention this is because these very self-centered diatribes finally got me to realize that she does not think of others unless it is how they relate to HER or how they make her LOOK. She will answer those who she feels are important. She will NEVER change!

The final straw for me was when I emailed her that my mother died suddenly. I never even heard back. She acts friendly on facebook occassionally but its just too much for me to handle. And it started WAY before I got breast cancer. I accept that she is not a friend at all, really. It breaks my heart but its true. I have good friends...and I surround myself with those who truly care and love me.