Dealing with your teenager while dealing with breast cancer.

vtmom ~  If you haven't had a heart-to-heart with her about it yet, just be sure that your daughter knows that your prognosis is excellent.  So many times we forget that they have heard about or known of people with breast or other cancers who didn't survive, and we want to be sure that they have that burden lifted off of them if it's anywhere in the back of their minds.

I also think sometimes it takes getting away from our normal routine to give kids time and a desire to open up.  Maybe when you're done with rads you and she could do something together to celebrate the end of your treatment, whether it's a night away or a special activity she'd enjoy.  As Penny said, they're often more sensitive than they let on, and what seems like not caring can be a front that is hiding a lot of fear, both for you, and for her own future.

Just some thoughts, and congrats on only 8 more zaps to go!  You're almost there!   Deanna 

I know there are exceptions to every rule, but the standard issue teen is going to be pretty self-absorbed.  The average teen usually needs to be reminded that, indeed, you did have cancer, but some do have actual feelings that they repress.  You need to be very vigilant that your cancer is not emotionally scarring your teen for life.  Look for signs:  Random hugs, without money exchanging hands = deep-seated fear of losing mom.  Teen offering to make dinner = guilt that all the stress they put you through caused your cancer.  Cleaning room without being hollered at five times = indicates teen is an emotional basket case and it's time to seek professional help.

I have two teen hellions of the male persuasion, not that those credentials make me an expert.

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I started to read these posts and then dissolved into tears.  Maybe it's I have teenagers that I feel like I have dragged them through something that they didn't need to go through, or I am tired or that my initials are VT and I am a mum!!

I am nearly 9 months out from dx, and we have weathered so many storms in that time.  My DS is 16 and not very talkative about BC but he does little things ....makes me a cocoa everynight so I will take my tablets, occasionally tucks me into bed, but when I start crying he is the first person there to hug me tight. He said once when he was consoling both me and my DD that it all sucks but it has made us a stronger family.

My DD (14) has been my rock throughout it all...she had come to a couple of appointments with my Breast Surgeon, helps with the housework without me asking when it is needed.  Shortly after my op's she would sit in the bathroom while I had a bath and look at the wound. She was just interested. She already has plans for a tamoxifen party when I finish my treatment in 5 years. I do worry that she takes on too much and hope that she doesn't break down later over this.  So far this year she had dealt with BC, starting High School, getting braces and tearing 2 ligaments in her ankle playing sport.

I had friend ask how we were coping...I voiced my concerns about it all and he said that " I am currently teaching them how to cope in a crisis and what they are learning now are very valuable lessons will help them later in life. "

Looking at it all...they really are Super Kids!!

Big hugs to all with a squeeze for the ones that need a little extra

Viv

This is a great topic. I have a daughter 25,two boys 18 & 20. When I was first dx everyone knew right away we are a very close family.The two boys are still at home  my 18yr old had just started college and my  daughter was (is) expecting her first baby. I had always been the strong one for everyone and through everything that life had thrown our way( the one  in  charge).  When I was first dx going through tht phase that we all do (hell) I would just start crying  and I could not stnd for my kids to see me cryin and weepy. I didn't want them to see me what I thought was being weak I would get in the car and leave when I felt that helpless feeling coming on. Now, through ops etc..  After they expericed with me the weaknesses that every human has no matter how strong a person tries to be, I seen how strong they are. I was afraid that me, my diesase would damage them, but it has only made them stronger  and yes, show alittle more love.

wishing you inner peace............D.

My youngest turns 13 next month and my oldest is 23 - both boys.

The last thing I want is for them to worry about me or feel any undue pressure because I have cancer.  They less they seem to be interested in my health, the happier I am.  I don't need my children to take over any caregiver activities.  I want them to live their lives and as a teen - that's when they separate from you.  I don't think it's too healthy if they are too close during the teen years.

I tell them everything but I do it with humor and a light hand. I honestly don't feel depressed about my cancer and I don't think I will have anything but a long life - and it shows in my attitude witih them.   My older son doesn't live with me but when I see him he makes jokes - he's going to buy me a rainbow clown wig for Christmas.  My youngest son's only worry was me being bald - I think because as a teen, my appearanced reflects on them.

There was on exception to my rule not to involve my son - right after my mastectomy I needed to go to the grocery store to get stuff for Thanksgiving.  I wanted my son to come with me to push the cart as my right side was still weak.   He threw a fit for some reason.   That was very unlike him - he's an A+ student in the rigorous IB program and very even-keeled.  Looking back, I think he didn't like the reminder that I couldn't do it.  Or, maybe he just didn't feel like going - he was on the computer and doing something fun -  with somebody his age it's hard to tell- maybe hormones reared their ugly head.

I gave him a consequence for his rudeness about it but didn't guilt him because I have cancer.   It was more a "you don't yell at your mother" thing rather than a "how dare you not help your mom who has cancer" thing.

It's different with girls, I suppose.  I think moms expect more from their daughters.  But,  keep in mind, they are your children and not your source of emotional support.  In fact, you are supposed to be their source of emotional support.  

Thanks, all, I really need this string.  My girls are 12 and 16 at my recurrence , and were 2 and 6 the first time around.  (Adopted).  My eldest won't talk about anything (her normal mode), and the younger won't quit talking (also normal).  I'm really worried about the eldest, she is a good kid, works hard, no drugs or sex, but is very obviously angry, and won't talk.  We make it a point to talk a lot about feelings in our family, but she is just Clammed Up.  So we just keep talking, whether she participates or not.  Sigh.  Kit, in MN

Thanks, Leah.  She has a godmother, who I'll talk to about her specifically. She went ballistic when I told a counselor at highschool what's going on, "I can never talk to her again!".  Teenage drama plus cancer is a tocix mess! 

Kit

I did send an e-mail to all the teachers and told the guidance counselor (twins are in 10th grade) and they had already started acting out, so it really did explain alot to the teachers.  My older kids (35 and 28) are the ones who will not discuss anything with anybody or each other.  I have to go to the onoc. tomorrow and my daughter did ask if I wanted her to go with me and I really don't need her cause he is just checking to see how the medication is working and seeing if the Femara is giving me any side effects (none so far only 3 weeks) my son who is 35 has only asked 1 time what the dr. said and other than that has never asked me how I was, if I needed anything or what is going one.  He couldn't deal with it the first time as I said and this time it is about the same, I tell his wife stuff and if she wants to tell him she does, but she is 9 months preg. and due in about 2 1/2 weeks, so for this to be happening now is not a priorty for her.  I was worried about my oldest grandaughter who is 14 and how she would be, I did tell her in person myself and she is a big support.  Was going to take her to the drs. tomorrow but she had to go home until Thursday, where she could hear what the dr. said and she would be ok with it.

The kids know that you are sick so you can't protect them from that.  My daughter was 15 the first go round and the twins were 2 1/2.  She took care of them through the 6 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation and maintained a b average, I was and am a single parent.  They are going to be upset but as a family you pull together to help one another when one can't for whatever reason, that's IMO what a family does.  Some people have strengths that others don't.  Have a family meeting (which I used to have all the time) and ask them how they feel and what they want to do.  You didn't say how old they were, that makes a difference, cause you don't want to scare them about your illness but my 14 year old grandaughter is so glad that I told her what is going on in person and actually that I even told her at all...there is no denying that we are sick and they IMO deserve as much true as you can give them.

Sandy

I too have a teenager to deal with.  Our relationshaip is not as good as yours is with your daughter.  He is 17 and has not been a loving child since his single digit years. His teachers tell me how worried he was while I was in the hospital but I don't see it.  I even called him on his cell phone 3 times while I was in the hospital and he never called me back.  This hurt bad.  I'm just hoping it's because he's going through his tough teenage years and he'll understand my actions later on in life.  I was a tough teenager too (sorry mom). Every once in a blue moon he does something nice for me, like cooks breakfast.  I just keep doing the best I can do and stay firm.  Good luck to you.

Haven't been here for a while...I'm going to throw in something that may or may not apply to the situation with the teen in your home.  You know how the teenage biological clock makes them night owls, to the point that they can't get to sleep until midnight (or later) even when they get up for school at 6:30?   And you know how sometimes a teen will get real sassy and argumentative  with their parents (as if we need that on top of our B/C?)   I'm connecting the dots to say that these kids are sleep-deprived.  Mine are.  Some of the worst behavior they have shown me was very similar to a three year old that missed his afternoon nap!  Cranky!!!

I'm saying even without the drama of B/C in the household, the teen years are tough.  Some of us are just unfortunate enough to experience B/C and teens simultaneously.  I think that's what they call the double-whammy!   Persevere my sister-parents.

Thanks for starting this topic.  I have an 18 year old son and a 15 year old daughter.

My son acts as if nothing is happening and is as inconsiderate as ever, even though he is a very good kid. He uses the same coping style he always has (retreat and say nothing) so I don't expect he will be much different with this. I know he loves me, I tell him that and then I tell him exactly what I need from him, like pick up your sister and drive her home.  If I waited for him to show support, I'd be waiting for a loonng time. He's off to college in the fall and I just trust he's going to be fine because he's too damn stubborn not to be.

My daughter is a split personality right now but will talk about it most of the time so she's ok. She gets very angry with me sometimes for no apparent reason but I think its "cancer anger". I can't do as much as I used to and she doesn't know how to handle this. She is so helpful but I think resents it sometimes. She will have coping skills far superior to her peers but what a high price to pay for it.

I feel guilty like most of us but theres nothing to be done about it and I'm getting increasingly fatigued and can't waste energy on guilt. I feel all the drama of being a teenager myself. I hate this and am rebelling but it sometimes feels as if this will last forever.