Dealing with your teenager while dealing with breast cancer.

blondiex46

I have 16 year old twin boys that said they don't want to know anything and I have a 14 year old grandaughter and an 11 year old grandaughter.  The older one I wanted to personally tell her AFTER and only AFTER I found out what the deal was and what the treatment was and I was honest with her.  The 11 year old I left to my son and his wife, thought she was young and her parents should tell her as much as they think she should know.  My oldest grandaughter said that she is glad that I told her in person and told her because she would have felt that I didn't trust her or that I was keeping something from her. 

Sandy 

pastapesto

Artsymom..  I feel for you.  My girls are 12 and 17, they were 2 and 6 when I had my first BC. we told them, at their developmental level, and now we are telling them everything again, at the level they can take in.  They know their parents are "wacky", and pretending it isn't so just makes us all crazier.  My teen did NOT want me to tell any of her teachers or her parents friends, that is "messing in her life".  So I tried not to. 

I hope you get a diagnosis of "all is well", and then can tell yr kids why you were scared.  If not, I know you will find the right words in your own time.  Blessings to you.  Kit

Leah_S

Kit, I know you said your daughter was upset when you told someone (guidance counselor?) about your bc, but having a mother go through this is going to affect her. My daughter also didn't want me to tell her teacher, principal, or school counselor but I knew the situation would make a difference to how she acted/studied. I did tell the personnel in her school and asked them not to let her know that they knew - she didn't want to be treated as the "poor kid whose mother has cancer" but I know it was good that everyone had a "heads up" on what was happening.

Leah

blondiex46

I told the school cause they are were not doing work cause they were really emotional and continue to be.  They have switched teachers and the guidance counselor knows but the new ones don't.

Sandy

ruthbru

My son was 16 at the time, and I felt really bad because I thought that he should just be having fun and just having to deal with all the 'normal' teenage stuff, and here he was having to be worried about his mom. We tried to keep everything very factual and upbeat. Kept as normal a schedule as possible, encouraged him to stay involved in all his usual activites etc. I went to as many of his activites as I could, and if I couldn't, then his dad for sure was there. Also did more just 'hanging out' stuff with him (ie sat in a chair and watched him play video games, watched movies; just tried to be there). Outwordly, it didn't seem like it affected him that much, but I know it did because his grades slid; 'A's became 'B's, 'B's became 'C's-screwed up his grade point for scholarships! I think it is important to tell the school, you can ask that they not say anything to your child, but if they are aware they can keep an eye out for him or her, and maybe give them a few breaks if they know what they are going through, or at least be more understanding.

artsymom

Will hopefully get the results today and then speak with the kids either way, about Mom's little 'on tilt' behaviour of the other.  Unfortunately I have to miss my daughters cheerleading performance today as that was the only time I could get in for the results.  However she will be performing again this evening so hopefully I will totally be able to concentrate on the show and nothing else!

I agree trust is very important esp if there is more to come.

artsymom 

desdemona222b

When I was diagnosed, my kids were 17 and 20.  My son ended up taking me in for my surgery and he says now that, until he was actually at the hospital waiting for me to get out of surgery, it wasn't real for him.  I know it wasn't real for my daughter because of the blase way she behaved as well. 

I can understand kids not wanting school authorities to know - they may even be embarrassed because it is breast cancer.  Acknowledging that your mother has diseased breasts may be very embarrassing for a teen.  I was very angry with my own mother for telling a lot of people about it - I guess everyone feels they should be able to decide who knows about these things in their lives. 

Cherries58

My 17 and a half year old is really improving. I'm going in for my exchange in a week and he's been so pleasant. My poor husband had a double whammy with my hormones (surgical menopause) and our teenagers raging at the same time. I'm beginning to believe what I've heard about how teens start to go batty at about 13 and come out of it at 18.

tibbies

I was just given my diagnosis yesterday. I texted my husband who is 2400 miles away "I have cancer come home now" because I couldn't get him on the phone. Only I accidentally sent it to my daughter instead. I was sick over this. We talked last night about it and both my teen girls kind of went into their own world. I guess we will see how the journey goes with them during this awful time. I am worried that this could happen to them too.

Anonymous

My son is 13 and has had alternating times of wonderfulness and teenage self absorption so I guess he is pretty normal.  The good thing is my DH is spending much more time with him now and they have gotten very close.  I, on the other hand, have been unable to spend as much time and feel sometimes like my son and I are drifting apart.  I know it is mostly my fault because I isolate myself in the bedroom when I'm not feeling well.  I almost feel jealous of my DH's relationship with my son.  Just another reason to hate cancer.

But then my son will do something wonderful like cook me dinner when my DH is out of town or just come in and sit with me and tell me how sorry he is that I don't feel good and asks what he can do to make my day better and then I know it will all be better.  And I can see what a wonderful husband he will be someday, too.  All in all I am pretty lucky to have my two guys. 

EnglishMajor

I was 15 when my mom was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. This was before the Internet, e-mail, etc. My mom did not ahve a great prognosis, I think maybe she was told six months to a year. She lived for two years. Having never been around anyone with cancer, I assumed my mom was dying any day right after she was diagnosed. (Bear in my mind, my "knowledge" was from TV movies like "Brian's Song" and "Something for Joey." I guess football players with leukemia must have been the popular network TV movie disease then. My mom died a few weeks before "Terms of Endearment" came out. I lost it during Debra Winger's final scenes. Too close to home.) 

I couldn't believe my mom could have breast cancer-- I kept waiting for someone to say it was mistake or it wasn't as bad as originally thought. I had a friend in HS whose mom had a brain tumor. But nobody else, it seemed, had a mom with breast cancer and most people changed the subject. (Gilda Radner was still alive then, no Gilda's Clubs.)

I think it's true as some people have said here that as a kid I wished things would go back the way they were. I would sometimes bring my mom little presents and treats but I found it really hard to talk about her being sick (nevermind dying) and I think she did too. 

I would say that still waters run deep tho...so even if your kids don't seem to be thinking about you, they probably are.