It's midnight and I'm in bad company...alone

I was where you are now!!!!

Seriously, I was taking 5 Ativan a day, just to get through. This beginning part is the hardest part. The tests, scans being diagnosed...its horrid. Im pretty sure I can speak for a lot of ladies on the board and say we have all been there.....but we have come out the otherside.

Im 28 months past diagnosis, big ugly tumor blah blah...I never thought Id get to this point. But I am. Take a breath of fresh air. watch some tv,listen to some relaxing music. Go for a walk up and down the street. I know its midnight there but do what you have to.

Just take one day at a time with these tests. Think of them like a check list....done...done...over!!!

Im sorry you are struggling...if you need to talk to someone you can call YME. they have breast cancer survivors available to talk 24/7. I think the number is 1-800-221-2141..or just google.

I have been in your spot...it is so scary ...the not knowing part. wondering where this will all go or how it will go.  I am here to tell you ... it will be ok. Ask for reports I kept copies of everything just so I could look up words etc. when I got home from meeting with doctors.  They told me it looked like I had no node involvement but I did and had to have chemo.  I kept working through the whole thing.  I am now off work because I had to have a hyterectomy. We can all tell you it will be ok, but it is still scary and my heart goes out to you.  I just wish it didn't take so long for test results...endless I know.  You could try the chat rooms on this site...they have been very helpful to me and the ladies there have a lot of insight, answers to questions, and will make you feel better.  I wish you the best of luck. 

I remember sitting up some nights and reading, looking on the internet and worrying - I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone at that time either.  i was looking for information that would make me feel better, or that if I got the right information I could control the outcome.  I firmly believe that with most of us, our minds go to the "worst case scenario".  It is human nature to think and expect the worst, even when we try to remain hopeful.  It doesn't mean the worst is going to happen, it is just how we think!  Most women here will tell you that the waiting is harder than anything else.  If you are still up, you might go into the chatroom here on breastcancer.org.  I did that a couple of times, there are people chatting most of the time and they were very quick to respond - helped me feel that there were real people out there. 

notinvincable,

I hope that Ativan kicked in and you were able to get some rest.  Lack of sleep is a huge contributor to those dark periods we would have at your stage in the game.  Pure is right...believe it or not this IS the worst part to go through.  All the unknowns, tests, the waiting.  Once you have a game plan with your oncologist and you start your treatment plan you will feel more in control.

Welcome to you.  Come here often (you too, pagowens!).  We understand all the feelings rolling through you right now.  Also..next time wake your husband.  We are awesome on this stage III board, but sometimes nothing beats a warm pair of arms wrapped around you.

Not - sorry I wasnt up with you!  Hope you were able to fall asleep.

I have two teenage daughters and, too, am their world and theirs mine.  I thought that was so awesome.  After bc I got so scared that I thought maybe I should pull back.  But I am back to thinking for them again (lol) and hoping to do so for a very long time!

pm me if you would like my phone number and you can text or call me 24 hours a day.

we are here for you.  this is just so hard; i hope you were able to get some rest.  when you feel like that...it seems nothing anyone says can really help.....but know that you are not alone and maybe that will offer you some comfort. there will be better days....every once and awhile the monsters come out and scare us.....tell them to go away...and know that you have cyber friends to replace those monsters.  keep writing...and posting...it will help.

Hi

I also have been where you are and recently too as I wait for results of MRI for back pain. I just want to tell you that you do have one VERY positive thing going for you and that is that you are HER2 and it is a miracle drug and saving lives every day.  HER2 used to be a bad prognostic factor and now it is actually a good one. As I was laying in the MRI chamber this am I was praying for all the MOTHERS that go through this as I think it is the worst part envisioning our poor children dealing with this and being without us. It scares me to my core can't even think on it too long. I just want you to know that I am praying for you now and that you will be able to raise your children.

The odds are in your favor that it is not metastatic at onset, that is a much lower odd, however if by chance it were to happen there are ladies on these boards have found NED at stage4 with

Herceptin, go to the HER2 thread and you will see their posts.

Good luck and we are here for you!

Nights are the worst.  In the beginning, BC was the last thing I thought about before going to sleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night or the morning it was the very first thing that popped into my head.  It's better now because I'm in active treatement and feel like I'm doing something and not just waiting.  For me, that was the biggest help.  It is still a constant thought but in a more positive way since I feel like I'm fighting back.

And my DH has told me countles times that when I do my nighttime wanderings if I want to come back to bed to try and sleep just wake him up and he'll cuddle with me. I think he needs the cuddling just as much as I do.

Once you get your results please share them.  We care.  Chances are very, very good that they'll be clear since the scans are routine. 

And I want to echo what Kerry said about Dr. Google.  I'm a data type person so I needed the info but I was very careful in keeping to the sites that are reputable and maintained (ACS, NCI, Susan G Komem, Dr Susan Love).  Ask yourself if the information your thinking about reading is helpful to you now.  For instance, since I'm neoadjuvant chemo I stayed away from the surgery and rad information for a long time.  I didn't need to worry about what wasn't in front of me right now.  Many women don't search at all.  You need to know what you can handle.

notinvincalbe-Wow, you are so newly diagnosed, there is SO much for you to digest right now. That is such a hard time! At the beginning there are so many bits of information coming your way, and for a stage III woman, the bad news just never seems to stop. Well, it really does stop and I bet you already are there. But you still have to have all those scans done and wait for the results. If it is any consolation, you are absolutely going through the worst time and it will only get better as you start treatment. It may seem brutal to get all the scans at the start, but I didn't get them until 4 months in and I was worrying the whole time. They turned out clear and so I would have preferred to know that from the beginning. Just to warn you- the scan results aren't always so clear. You may be called in for further scans. I think this is normal. In any case it happened with me and erverything turned out fine.

I hope the scans are going alright and we'll be waiting with you for your results on Monday...