Advice please

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Jenn77
Jenn77 Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mother has stage IV BC with mets.  This is her 4th go against this terrible fight.  She was first dignoised in 1994 and then again in 2004 with a completely different type of BC.  In 2007 was the first time the cancer had spread she went through chemo for about 9 months of treatments the cancer was in remission until May of this year.  She started treatments again and was doing alright but then in October was feeling very sick and went to the hospital they found fluid in the lungs and that the chemo she'd been on since May was not working.  In November she was feeling really sick a couple days after the new chemo.  It was the most horrible experience for my family (and my mom) they found that there was a significant amount of fluid around the heart.  My mother was in the hospital for over 2 weeks on a vent and a number of surgeries.  A couple times throughout this stay they told us that they thought the cancer may have spread to the spinal fluid or brain but test after test they found it hadn't.

She's now been out of the hospital for about a month and is so physical weak.  She's only 53 and has always been so active even while going through chemo in the past.  She cry's all the time and is so afraid that she will not live and that if she dies we won't remember her.  My family is very close and supportive I live out of state and this is so overwhelming for all of us.  We're all realistic and understand they she may not have much longer but at the same time she's a fighter and if someone could pull through and live for years it's her. 

Can anyone give me advise on how to help my family.  I want to reasure her that we're a strong family and will always be there for one another but I don't want her to start feeling that we've moved on without her or given up on her....please help me help my family.

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  • ElaineD
    ElaineD Member Posts: 2,265
    edited December 2009

    Jenn it sounds as if you are uderstanding the severity of your Mum's condition-but is your Mum? You said that she is frightened that she won't live- but at stage 1V she will be on treatment for the rest of her life until it no longer works. We are all fighters-none of us want to leave our families, but unless we live in denial, we accept that sooner or later either the cancer or the treatments will kill us. Miracles can happen occasionally-and save a small part of your heart hoping that one may happen-but don't focus on it too much, as the return to reality becomes even harder to bear. So, does your Mum understand, is the first thing I have to ask.

    In terms of how you can help-carry on as you are-trying to live your lives as normally as you can. I'm the same age as your Mum with 2 kids-a daughter of 25, son of 23-and one of my main focuses is that their lives can continue as normally as possible, for as long as possible. I feel that this is the last thing I can do for them-they both have their own homes, and I am blessed in having the most loving and supportive husband-does your Mum have a partner? If not, I appreciate that much more will fall on you and your siblings.

    Be strong for her-but don't be frightened to be honest too and share your fears-she's still your Mum and will want to protect and help  you through this nightmare time-it's what Mums do! In practical terms, how much help do you feel she needs? Does she still have a degree of mobility and independence, or does she need more supportive nursing?

    Can I also suggest that you post on the stage 1V forum, as I think you'll get more answers there? This is a forum specifically for stage 1V sufferers and their carers, and we try to help support and share our experiences to help each other as far as possible. It sounds like we could help you.....

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