Holiday Blues

A lot happened to me and to people I love this time of year, too.  For me it was a horrific 2005.  I have let all the holiday stuff go.  I don't really want to do it any more and there is no pressure from my family, so it works for me.  I guess I could look at it as another loss, but I think of it as just a new way of looking at things.

holdiays, not so good-- me in a quandary about what to do next (chemo, more surgery, what) and our beloved cat begging for release.  years later (more than I expected), baking, etc.

let go and hang in there both.

take care,

--Hattie 

Shanagirl, please know that you are not alone.  We can all relate to you and what you are feeling.  That's what makes this a "sisterhood" unfortunately.  I think when we are diagnosed, we lose our innocence forever.  After treatment, we try with all our might to look forward instead of backwards, and this all takes time, which we then always have hanging in the back of our minds - will I have the time?  It doesn't seem to matter with this beast how early we were diagnosed, whether we had clean nodes or not, whether we make 2 yrs, 3, 4, 5, or even 10 (which of course we all hope for and then some), this beast is just so unpredictable.  Seems like no rules really apply.  I guess what I am saying is that we can count on nothing being the "same" ever again, as we used to do.  All we can do is enjoy each day, each season and each event to the best we can muster.  God bless you honey, God bless all of us.  Merry Christmas, and may you enjoy peace and serenity with your loved ones during this holiday season.

Hugs,

Linda

Shanagirl, the wicked aniversary effect! Still haunts me. I found my lump in the shower on my birthday in mid-November. Got the "you have breast cancer" talk the day before Thanksgiving. Day after Thanks got scheduled for lumpectomy on Dec 12. On December 24 got call to report to surgery at 6 am on Dec. 26th for another lumpectomy--didn't get clean margins. On New Years eve got call didn't get clean margins, report for mastectomy at 6am Jan. 2. I still have a hard time celebrating and decorating the house. We are all flying to Vegas on the 24th for a very unChristmasy Christmas. So glad we decided to do this, my much beloved cat died today unexpectedly. His reminders-- his blankets, his baskets, even his fur-- are all over the house...It will be good to get away.

Shana - I love the holidays and have found this one much harder, just finishing chemo, still not feeling well, starting rads soon and still bald w/o eyebrows and lashes.  I have kept up the best that I can this year, but the mood is "off".  I'm not in a bad mood, but the "Christmas Spirit/Mood" is off this year and is bothering me................  I am trying, but I think going through what we're all going through and the reminders of what we've been through make it harder.  You'll get through this one, then the next one and so on....................Then there will be that year that comes along and this will be more of a distant memory.  (((HUGS)))

Weesa, so sorry to hear about your beloved kitty.

Love the cats baking!

Weesa - I'm so sorry to hear about your cat.  It hurts so much to see all the toys and cat stuff around after their gone.  The last time it happened I cried so hard the whole time I was putting things away.  Those fuzz butts can be so precious...

I haven't been a Christmas person for a long time.  Not since the kids were little.  Since then it seems like it's been a burden to pull things together with decorations, cards, cookies, etc.  For the past few years I've tried to limit the things I do -- only decorate if we're having the family over for instance.  But this year I'm trying to stir up some enthusiam since I now have a grandson who'll is 2 months old.  Maybe next year when he's old enough to really enjoy the sights, sounds, excitement and maybe I'll be healthy enough to do the grandma things for him.

Weesa - sorry about your kitty - Have fun in LV.  We were there a few months ago and really enjoyed ourselves, especially the warm weather.

I am 18 months (+ 2 1/2 weeks) from diagnosis.  Last Xmas I spent alot of time thinking "oh God - how many xmases will I have?".  This Xmas I feel more like, "I am glad I am here to see this or that (my daughter playing in a xmas concert at the state office campus)".  Not sure what next year will bring - hopefully me here and still feeling grateful. 

I have been trying to talk dh into a destination xmas for years - maybe next year.

aw weesa.. i'm sorry to hear about your dear cat.

I can truthfully say that the day I gave up my cat (he was a mean mean attack cat, but i loved him dearly... and my newborn was coming home in the next day or two), was the saddest day of my life.  It's wonderful the relationships we have with our pets.

me too-I am feeling like I need a good cry to get through the next 2 days-it's coming:)))  Also, discovery channel called me about documenting my bc and baby and gosh it really made me sad. I never thought I could be the subject of a documentary-so so sad.

Weesa...so sorry to hear about your beloved cat....we lost one of our dogs to leukemia this past september....

Leah....the Yom Kippur after Dx....I had finished chemo and rads...was the hardest Yom Kippur....walked into Kol Nidre ready for tears....don't remember what I was feeling, but I'm sure fear was one of the feelings.....I like what your friends told you...I will have to try to remember that....