Pregnant with Breast Cancer

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Pure
Pure Member Posts: 1,796
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I am sitting here waiting to go to my obgyn. I am having contractions and lots of pressure. I am only 35 weeks so hopefully it's not the baby coming.

I am soo soo scared. I think every fear that has built up inside me has just hit me. .

Chances are this baby wont know me, that if I die my husband will remarry and he will know someone else as his mom, that he might not come out healthy, that a few weeks after I have this baby I will find out I am really stage 4.

This is beyond emotionally painfull-this is dreadful. The tears I am crying right now are like known I have ever cried. This is so so unfair and I just don't understand where God is in all of this pain. I just don't understand.

I don't care about my life I just don't want my children to know someone else as their mother or to know the pain of the death of me.

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  • motheroffoursons
    motheroffoursons Member Posts: 333
    edited December 2009

    Hi Pure E,

    Your post touched me.  First of all, at 35 weeks the baby can be fine, even if you are in labor.  Rest your mind about that.

    For now, concentrate on that baby and the painful joy of giving birth.  A new life!

    I don't know anything about your treatment/prognosis, but I pray for you and want you to know that you can live years and years.  We are not statistics.

    God, give PURE E a peaceful heart today.

    Just as a note:  I looked at your home page and want to tell you that  I have had lesions on my liver and pancreas that the Dr. said were too small.  They monitored them for a couple of years with MRI's, and there was no change.  Having lesions on the liver does not mean you are stage 4, lots of benign things pop up on MRIs

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2009

    Awwww, Jen, You WILL get through this, and God will give you the strength. Try to focus on looking down at that baby's face for the first time and nothing else.http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000   

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited December 2009

    Jen - I wish I was there with you too. You know, it is funny, I used to worry about not being there for my kids even before I knew about my BC. I think it is any mothers biggest fear.

    I can't say anything to make this "all right' for you - just remember you have a huge chance of beating this. A huge one. The odds are so in your favour. This baby will know you, you will get to see him grow up, you will be sending him off to college before you know where you are. Believe in it.

    What has happened to you - and to all of us - is just so monumentally unfair.  I wish none of us had to ever think of our children being without us. I can't take that fear away, but I can be here for you.

    Just concentrate on seeing his face for the first time. Enjoy this moment, don't let any of the stupid cancer stuff take that away from you.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited December 2009

    aw Jen..  we're prayin for you here.  you've had such a rough time emotionally with all those hormones coursing thru you.

     they really should have wine at the obgyn

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  • Moissy
    Moissy Member Posts: 550
    edited December 2009

    Jen - Wishing that this will be a good day for you starting now. I'm sorry you have so much racing through your brain. Apple, I think you're on to something "Wine and Gyn"

    Moissy

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  • maryannecb
    maryannecb Member Posts: 1,453
    edited December 2009

    Good luck at the hospital Jen. Hopefully you and the bay will be just fine!

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  • Rhonda1966
    Rhonda1966 Member Posts: 52
    edited December 2009

    Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and the baby. My daughter was born a month early at 36 weeks and she was just fine! Hang in there!

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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited December 2009

    Hugs and prayers, Jen.  You've hit on the fear all of us mothers have.  Tell Boo Boo baby he has to stay put for a couple more week.

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  • HairSprayMom
    HairSprayMom Member Posts: 251
    edited December 2009

    Hang in there PureE,

     My little surprise baby was born at 35 weeks and came out tiny, but perfectly healthy! No NICU or anything. She looked so funny in the nursery with all of those giant babies. LOL I know your fears as well, I believe we all do but they get better with time. All I can say is my new post cancer montra is "Live each day to the fullest, wether its a good one or a bad one, at least it is one more I get!" Sending LOVE!

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  • pj12
    pj12 Member Posts: 25,402
    edited December 2009

    I think the fear that you will not be there for your child as they grow up is universal and in every mother's heart.  Of course, a breast cancer diagnosis makes it more real.  But, no matter what happens you are there with that child.  Your genes, your DNA, your soul flows through and over them in every thing they say or do.  Distance, disease, even death cannot erase you from their smile or silly laugh, from the way they walk or dance, from the very essence of who they are. Just as you see your mother in little things you do, so will your child carry who you are in his genetic blueprint.  

    My heart aches for you and my prayers are with you.  What you give this little baby now and in the weeks and months and even years to come NO ONE can erase.  It will be with him even when he does not know it. Every moment is precious.  He will be here so soon.  And you will be with him forever.

    Pam 

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  • Beverly11
    Beverly11 Member Posts: 443
    edited December 2009

    Jen - Sending prayers and hugs your way. 

     All of you ladies continually amaze me how you always have the right words to say to anyone who needs them.  There are so many amazing, thoughtful souls on this forum that are so helpful.  Jen, I am so glad that you have come here.  

    I can't begin to understand what you are going through Jen.  My Mom passed away a few days after I was dx & I did not tell her of my dx.  I miss her so much now.  But, I truly believe that she knows everything that I have gone through.  

    Bev 

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  • nene2059
    nene2059 Member Posts: 270
    edited December 2009

    Hi PureE.  I was just looking through the active threads and saw your thread and when I read your post my heart broke for you.  I can understand all the feelings you are having right now and know that they are very normal.  Anyone in your position with a fear of uncertainty would be feeling the same way.  In fact so many women on here are moms and even though they were not pregnant when they found out they had BC I know they had the same fears that you have now.  I am sure you have been trying to be strong through all of this and if you feel like having a good cry right now let it out.  BC took away my chance to become a mom and I hope through all of this fear and crap that you are going through right now you will allow yourself some quiet time where you clear your mind for awhile and don't fear the future and just "be" with your unborn baby.  The future will take care of itself even though it does not feel that way right now.  You have every reason to live free of BC as any of us.  New treatments are coming out all of the time that lead us closer to a time where we will be without (hopefully) BC.  As my onc put it each year you survive is another year of research and development.  Enjoy these moments of your pregnancy even though you and your baby have to share your body with the BC tx.  It is not fair and you should never be made to feel that it is.  I wanted a baby so badly and my hubby and I had been trying for a few years.  Who knew that I would not meet the man I wanted to marry until I was 30 and marry him at 32?  Who knew that at 36 I would be diagnosed with BC in both breasts?  Who knew that I would not be able to metabolize Tamoxifen and would be having a complete Hysterectomy a week later? No one could have predicted and I would not have believed them if they did.  That was not fair but it is different because I really can not miss something that I never had and I would have liked the opportunity but there are other ways to become a mom.  For you, it is here and now.  You will get through this and will be over joyed at your precious little life.  Hopefully it will reaffirm that there is meaning to life and you will be around to enjoy many wonderful moments with this baby and all of your family. There are so many horrific moments on the BC journey and you are more than entitled to yours so cry, scream whatever you gotta do.  Then don't mourn the loss of you and arrange the future of your family just yet..you are still here.  You are here and you will be.  This strong little soul inside of you will come out just fine and then you will take over your body and defeat this BC.  Look at how strong you already are.  You will be a great mom to this little one and what a privelege it will be to have you, survivor you, as his mommy as it is for all of your children.  I am sending you loads of positive energy and am saying prayers of strength for you tonight.  I hope you don't mind if I pop in to this thread every now and then to check on your progress.  I can't wait to hear about your joy when you meet your healthy new baby.  Congratulations, not condolences, are in order.  Stay strong.

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2009

    Pure......sending you a gentle big ((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))

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  • unklezwifeonty
    unklezwifeonty Member Posts: 1,710
    edited December 2009

    Jen,

    Sending  you my best wishes and love.

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks all of you for your tremendous support!!!!

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited December 2009

    Dearest Jen and baby Killian,

    Honey,  I am actually glad you have these forum to vent all your fears. It is so much better to come to a place where we can support you, and really "Get" the fears on the beast. The baby at 35 weeks will be fine, and you will be too.

    The emotional roller coaster your on, will not be forever. Soon, You will have baby boo boo Killian in your arms, and before you know it and the further you are " out" of tx the fear will diminish bit by bit. All your children will know you growing up.

    I promise, it does happen. I will  continue to keep you and all of your family in my prayers.

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks IKC:) You always say the perfect comment:)

    Hopefully by honestly displaying my fears one day someone else will come hear and benifit from the supportive comments and the knowing that someone else has been in their position.:))

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  • Esha
    Esha Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2009

    Dear Pure,

    I assure you, survival happens.  Have posted to 2 other threads today

    Diagnosed 22 years ago, two weeks after birth of last son.  Stage 3, very large tumor not initially found due to engorgment.  Although all symptons were present, was told prior to babe birth at  5 months pregnant that the nipple discharge was merely a duct infection, not to worry.  So I didn't, which probably helped tremendously with my sanity

    Anyway, after Jakes birth I became very suspisious during breast feeding as he would nurse only one breast and practically fight with to avoid nursing the other. I believe to this day, my son saved my llife by alerting me to the fact that there was indeed a serious problem.  This child was a seriously hungry boy.  Bless this now, 6'2, 225 lb child he  has grown to be today, sitting in the next room, studying hard for  optometry school entrance exams. 

    You and babe wiill be just fine. Smile  As nene wrote, the future does take care of itself.

    Peace be with you.

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks for your response-so encouraging:) I would love to know what your treatment plan was?

    I just read your initial first post unser DCIS-is was beautiful and it will be the only other post I read today. Will you consider posting under success stories. It will be such an inspiration to us stage 3 girls!!!!!

    Thanks much!!!! I am so happy for you!

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  • Esha
    Esha Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2009

    Pure. Truly, look at what cancer is...

    Renegade, stupid, malformed cells  that do not have the ability or know how, to shut themselves down. YOU, are infinitely smarter than they are - seek in addition to your outer physicians, you inner physician wisdom. Do visualizations?

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  • BC1999
    BC1999 Member Posts: 124
    edited December 2009

    Pure,

    Just saw your post today, you may have already have your baby in your arms but i still needed to share with you my bc history.

    I was diagnosed on 1999 at age of 33 while were planning having a baby. It was stage I breast cance back then. Had to have all chemo, radiotherapy and tamoxifen for 5 years. While all treatments were finished i already hit age of 40. It was time for baby again but it was hard this time. After all, i was almost 40 and had chemo in my past. Anyway, managed to get pregnant. Great! Cancer is in the past, baby is coming life is back to normal rigth? Wrong, diagnosed with bc for the second time while 13 weeks pregnand. Had 11 nodes positive which made me IIIc and don't know at the time if i have mets or not since they can not scan all the body because of the baby. Making long story short, that was 2006. I had my baby while 34 weeks pregnant who is 3 years old now. Had 4 rounds of EC during pregnand 2 rounds taxol and after birth 2 rounds of taxotere. Then radiation again and now on arimidex. Stayed at stage IIIc until today and hoping to remain same for a long while.

    I had same fears, is my baby going to know me? Am i going to be able to raise him etc... Well, today i still am here. Don't know if i will be able to pass my next check-up on January but have hopes. And i hope my history gives you some courage.

    Best wishes,

    Pakize

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks for your email:) I appreciate you taking the time to write that to me....

    I was diagnosed 13 weeks as well.....

    I am glad to hear your doing so well:) 3 years is a big bench mark!!!!

    Where were you treated?

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  • BC1999
    BC1999 Member Posts: 124
    edited December 2009

    Pure,

    I don't live in the States. I live in Istanbul/Turkey. I am lucky all my doctors (OGYN, surg, onch, radio ) made a great team and walk me through out this difficult stage. They all made their researches and i beleive i had the best treatment i can have at the time under those conditions.

    It IS a difficult time and now when i go back and look at the past my eyes fill with tears all the time thinking how strong we can be when we are walking on the edge.

    Breast Cancer is a nigth mare, one of the worse things which may happen in a life time. But treatments are getting better and better. We always are thinking the worse case scanario : metastazes. Please try to keep in mind that nowadays with the new protocols and treatments this desease is more controlable. And one last thing from my experiances : even i was stage I in my first diagnosys it was harder for me back then to cope with bc. Although the second time my prognosys was worse, it was much easer for me this time. Because i have my miracle in my life and i barely remember i have cancer.

    Just try to think that these days will stay in the past.

    Cyber hugs,

    Pakize

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited December 2009

    Pakize - you have a great story. What an inspiration. Wishing you continued health and many many many more years of happiness with your little miracle!!

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks Pakzie- I really appreciate your post:)))

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  • Sunflower64
    Sunflower64 Member Posts: 166
    edited December 2009

    Pure,

    I think of you and pray for you daily.

    Diane

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    Thanks Diane:)

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited December 2009

    Pure,  i also have been following your story and praying for you and your family.  What a wonderful network of support there is on these boards.  I send all my best wishes and love for you.  I can't wiat to hear the news of the birth of your new little one!  God bless you honey, xo

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited January 2010

    Lovmyfamily-tks so much:)

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited January 2010

    Hi Sherri,

    I was thinking about you this morning -about you praying for us- Tks:)))

    We are inducing the 11th so a week from Monday. Countdown is on!

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