LAST CHEMO FRIDAY

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jenn3
jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer
LAST CHEMO FRIDAY
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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Tomorrow is my last chemo - I'm glad it's the end - I really am.............. but I don't have the whoo hoo....... excited.........throw a party..........smile on my face feeling.  My DD made arrangements at school to take all of her exams before tomorrow so she could be with me for my last chemo, which is so sweet and I'm so happy the school did that for her/us.  Of course my Mom who has been there since day one will be there and then there is the bell I will have to ring with the nurses cheering me on.  However, I am a mixed ball of emotions that my family just doesn't seem to understand.  I've tried to tell them how I'm feeling and I know I'll cry when I ring the bell because I cry whenever the damn bell rings during chemo.  This is the only place (besides the dr's office) I've talked about how much pain I'm in and even here I haven't gone into great detail and it seems everyone expects that I'll be better by Christmas - Really???? Christmas is only one week from my last chemo - I won't be better I'll still have this toxic mess running through my system. Why does everyone think the end of chemo is it?  I still have 6 weeks of radiation, which I know is easier, but again everyone keeps telling me how easy it'll be.  I guess it will be easy, it's not them going through this........... Since my dx in June I have not had a breakdown - I have put on the "I can do it" front for family and friends and I guess myself so that I don't have to deal with the emotions.  In all honesty I don't know what I feel, I want to face it, talk about it, run from it, never talk about it, laugh about it, cry about it, be angry and sad...........................

    Just rambling............. needed somewhere to vent where people understand.

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    i have broken down every step of the way so (lol) I plan on running out of the room and hoping on a plane to San Francisco:) I know how you feel though-when I almost had the baby on Monday I cried so hard I thought I was going to stop breathing-b-c his birth is an ending to a really hard process and facing things will be different after he is born.

    Something I highly suggest is start breaking donw-sta I know how yourt dealing with this -don't hold it in-your immne system will be healthier for it......

    Also, there are great bc retreats you can go to to work on healing etc. I am going to one this summer-some yoga retreat at the beach.

    You have come so so far and you had a small tumour, very litte nodes, etc.....You will be fine!!Your almost there!!!!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    You know you mentioned the tumors and that's something I haven't addressed with anyone, but was shocked by a few weeks ago.  For whatever reason I recently pulled out my final path and surgery reports and discovered that the tumors in two of my lymph nodes were 3cm and 4cm, combined 7cm - whew. And.... the tumor in my breast was 1.9cm.   I remember the onc showing me on a scale the size and going over everything, but I just didn't realize how big they were, but the conversation as I remember it was something like you have BC........blah blah blah.......... you're TN........ blah..... blah....... need chemo....... blah....... radiation........blah..........Knowing how big the tumors are is scary. Especially since chemo and radiation are my only treatment right now-maybe thats some of the fear and anxiety I'm facing.  After radiation that's it for me.............

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  • Karen09
    Karen09 Member Posts: 320
    edited December 2009

    I feel for you Jenn.  You've had such a miserable time of chemo and have had so much pain.  This whole thing has been a rollercoaster for sure but you are such a strong and positive person and I really admire you.  No matter how bad you've felt, you've always taken the time to encourage people on the August chemo thread and to ask how other people are feeling.  It's hard to "celebrate" the end of chemo when you have radiation ahead of you and then all the fear of the future.  Cancer is a horrible disease but I'm glad we all have each other to help each other through this.  Hugs!!!

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    so your original tumour was the 1 cn and then it pased to the lymphs and you had big lymph nodes? I always thought the size didn't matter of the lymph nodes-just that they did there job and caught the cancer!

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited December 2009

    Jenn - firstly, way to go for getting through it. That in itself is an achievement. If it is any consolation, my last Chemo was my hardest. I cried on the way in, I cried when we left, everyone was so happy for me, and I was just terrified. People will want to celebrate it - everyone you know just wants you to be healthy and moving along, and I just let everyone be happy for me. But it is normal to not be delighted yourself!

    It will take a few weeks to start feeling better, but you will find by New Years that you didn't even realise how bad you were feeling during Chemo. I felt so much better a few weeks later. Don't expect too much of yourself by Christmas, I can't imagine you will feel great by then.

    BTW, I had one big node too. I can't remember how big, but it was around the size of yours. I have read that the number is more important that the size, but it doesn't stop me worrying sometimes. All I can say is, you throw as much as you can at it, and then try and forget about it. You can't change things, you can only make the best decisions with current information regarding treatment, then move forward.

    Are you going to be getting Zometa??

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Karen - thank you!!! you've been a wonderful friend on our journey and have been equally supportive to me and the others on our August thread.

    Kerry - From what I understand TN's don't take anything after chemo and radiation.  I am in the Avastin trial, but was in the arm that received placebo.  I did some of my own research and it looks like I don't qualify for the Bisphonsphonates trials, but plan on asking the onc this week if they can find something.  I am looking forward to New Years - I'd like to really put this one behind me!

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  • Mom3
    Mom3 Member Posts: 170
    edited December 2009

    This is totally the right place to vent. Remember, we've ALL been there.

     I've learned one thing....people don't understand unless they've worn our shoes. People can be empathetic until they're blue in the face, but unless they've heard the terrible "you have cancer" sentence uttered to them, there is no way they really, truly "know". And it's not that they mean bad, it's just a fact. 

    My family and friends are the same way. I still feel like you do sometimes. But after 2 years out I've come to understand that people don't truly get it until they've felt it. 

     Ex. for my 2 yr cancerviserary I had set up a dinner party at a local nice restaurant. I had sent out an evite to my siblings/their spouses and my parents. You know the kinda, let's meet, do dinner, celebrate me being out 2 yrs type of thing? Well, the day came and it was cold and rainy and my 2 sisters called me and said "can we reschedule the dinner thing for next week?" I was willing to go anyway, heck, rain or shine I wanted to celebrate but they felt it wasn't as important. I said "ok" but on the inside I wanted to cry. No one cared that it was such a huge mile stone for me. And then to top it off the next week came and went and no one said a word. Waaa, I want to cry now!!

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited December 2009

    Jenn - I was the same exact way! I know so many women are psyched, have a party, etc., but I was not there at all. I was incredibly thankful that it was over, and that I lived to tell the tale so to speak, but I was also terrified. Being TN, I felt like chemo was all I had. (God help the poor people, medical folks included, who asked me if I was starting on herceptin or tamoxifin! I would totally snap and say, "no, I'm triple negative, there is nothing they can give me because they don't know what causes it, chemo is my only hope", in a really snotty/pissed off why don't you just shup up kind of way!) Again, chemo made me cranky, that's my excuse ;-)

    I was also really pissed when people kept saying, "Great! You're done!" Uhhh no, now I have to go through 6 weeks of radiation. (Insert same snotty pissed off tone!)

    I'm laughing to myself about it now, but the bottom line is chemo made me cranky, depressed and sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I was not feeling festive and it pissed me off that people expected me to be doing a jig or something. I didn't want to be appreciative/happy that it was over, I wanted to not have had to do it in the first place!

    What I will tell you is that almost 5 years later, I am much less cranky!!! And you will get there too. My theory is always this, if something sucks (like for example, cancer, chemo, radiation) then you have to acknowledge that, and yell, scream, cry, swear, eat chocolate, whatever you need to do. Then you need to haul your butt out of bed and go do whatever you need to do to move forward. But that first step is an important one. So here I am, sending you chocolate, wine, a willing ear, a shoulder to cry on - whatever it is you need. But also sending hope that it really does get better.

    Hugs to you hon...

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  • AsiaYM
    AsiaYM Member Posts: 2,216
    edited December 2009

    Hi, Jenn,

    I am on my last chemo too, just start to feel better today, will start radiation after New Year.  I was DX around same time as yours, what a journey!  We are still here.. ...God bless.

    Love, Karen

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  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited December 2009

    Jenn, I remember having the same thoughts.  I remember thinking nobody, including my onc and family, really understood how serious my cancer was.  My emotions were really hard to take and my brain was working 100 mph.  

    I once read a book where someone described the end of chemo as coming out of the shelter after the battle.  They said it was kind of like walking through a town that had been destroyed.  Parts of it looked the same, but for the most part everything had changed, especially "me".  

    Another book said it was like "living in the void".  You just didn't feel like yourself and you weren't sure what to do with that.

    People who haven't been there can't really understand, can they? 

    I like the way Sheri described feeling better once she told everyone how she really felt and gave herself permission to just "feel your feelings".  That describes it so well.  No way can we endure chemo and this diagnosis, face further radiation treatment, and expect ourselves to act "normal".  If we try to force normal, or fake feeling normal, it just makes it worse.  Pure and cmb35 have good ideas, too.  Get those emotions out when you can.  They are not good or bad, they just ARE, so let them be there without judging them or yourself.  There is no rule that says now you should be happy, and no given time when you can say now it's over so you can relax.  Getting back to familiar feelings and some level of comfort comes on its own, and it may come and go over and over, too.

    I was told it would get better, and it did. (I must admit that I didn't believe people at the time)  I couldn't control the timeline too much.  It happened for me, it will for you, too.  For now,  know that we really understand and send you giant hugs. 

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited December 2009

    you will be better tho.. Jenn with two N's.  Christmas will and pass and then Spring will come.. you should feel great by then, if not a lot sooner.

    it's so nice when you realize the nasty chemo drugs are leaving your system...

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Thanks to all of you!!!!  I "rang the bell" upon leaving chemo today, took pictures and I'm done. And............now I'm crying.  

    The logical side of me knows it will be fine, but then there is the emotional side trying to sneak in and I'm not prepared for it.  Dealing with this disease, keeping up with life, the holidays and lots of humor have gotten me through without tears, but they're ready to come now.......  I still have a few more dr appts to do....... echo cardio gram, EKG, follow up visit and meet with the surgeon and have my port removed - then radiation. I guess after crying for a little while I'll get caught back up on the "disease" a little, cry, then move on after radiation.

    Gitane - Funny you used coming out of a shelter or going through a town that was destroyed.  I went through that in 2005 and remember having feelings much like I am now when I came back to town for the first time.  Like now I became the "rock" for the entire family and honestly I have not had a breakdown over what I went through then (which by all standards was better than most). Maybe I'll freak the family out and have a meltdown......  I'm realizing that now showing sad or scared emotions is something I seem to have trouble with.

    Sherri - your breakdown at the party isn't funny, but I'm laughing because it's so what I want to do, but don't.  I hate hearing I look good, really no hair, boobs, eyebrows and lashes and I look good?

    Karen - congrats on being done!!!!  We'll go through radiation together.

    Daisy - You're right it does seem that the people that haven't been through it understand the importance of the milestone dates we have or how we're feeling. For your 3rd canniversay bring the laptop and we'll be with you in cyberspace............

    cmb - I'm trying to let the tears happen, acknowledge the sadness, pain and............ I went to the Godiva store and do have the chocolate!

    Apple -It is nice to know I won't have this poison running through my veins causing so many terrible SE's...........

    Again, THANK YOU to everyone and ((((HUGS)))) to all.

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2009

    Jenn3

    I say your are entitled to at least one complete box of tissues.No apologies. What an ordeal, so hard every step of the way. (((Hugs)))

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited December 2009

    cry-cry and cry some more then celebrate and move on.

    I am so happy for you!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2009

    Jenn, we all deal with our fears and emotions differently and you might just be someone who can hold it all inside, but I am worried that you say you have not had a breakdown about this thing.  You are going through a real battle and it is okay to be terrified.  Do you have access to a psychologist at your cancer centre.  Would you consider going to one?  I went and it made a difference.  I am thinking of going back as I am one year from dx and each passing milestone is finding me anxious and weepy so I need a little boost from her again.

    Hugs to you

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  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited December 2009

    Jenn, these feeling will pass like everyone says, everyday you get further away from cancer you will feel better.

     Gitane, the shelter analogy is a perfect way to describe how we feel after dx, surgery & rads :)

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    I'm feeling better for now........ of course as the damn steroids run through my system over the next few days I'm sure I'll have a few bad days. 

    Coming here for support is so much help and I thank all of you!!! I'm sure I'll need more as I finish this up and work my way back to a new normal.  I had only mentioned my cancer and chemo once on facebook a while back, but decided to post that today was my last day and received a lot of postive repsonses from friends that have been with me every step of the way on this journey.

    thisisme - Our breast center has a wonderful couseling program, which I've seriously thought about. But....... again, I'm just not ready to go there.  The funny thing is that I am a fairly open person in almost all aspects of life, I tell all............except emotional pain.  I humor my way through, which is good, but also doesn't let me truly get it out. I do believe in counseling, when going through a divorce 14 years ago I spent a year in counseling.  And............. because my DD's father recently passed away and then I was dx w/cancer within 2 months my youngest needed help - so I do believe in it.  Maybe I just need to talk to someone and be done with it!  I'll get there.

    Jenn

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited December 2009

    Jenn - just want to add my congrats for you being done.

    It will take a while to regain your footing, but you will. The analogy of a destroyed town is a good one. Things will be the same but different. You just need to find your way around again.

    Now, go grow some hair!!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Oh I can't wait for more hair.  It started growing back about a month ago, but not long enough to go commando yet.   What I really want (for Christmas) are eyebrows and lashes.............

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited December 2009

    Jenn - I was diagnosed about the same time as you last year (6.2.08).  I have had a few haircuts (shapings, I was too impatient to wait for a bob so I went through some mini cuts to give me a more intentional look along the way - now I am trying to grow it out).  At dad's funeral yesterday I couldnt help but notice that no one commented on my hair or " you look so good!"  so I must be starting to just look normal like everyone else, huh?

    Congrats. 

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited December 2009

    Mary -   Wow - having no one notice the hair was a milestone in itself - that is a "normal" feeling.  I look forward to that.  Weren't you doing a marathon?  How did it go?  

    I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and you've been in my thoughts...........

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited December 2009

    Thanks Jenn.  It really was an odd feeling - very normal.

    I ran a half marathon back in October and we are signed up for another sprint triathalon in March down in Orlando :-)

    Thanks - gonna be a tough holiday but I am trying to keep it in perspective

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