I SHOULD BE HAPPY, BUT I'M NOT

((((((((((Hugs Shanagirl)))))))))))))))  I'm so sorry you're having a tough time!!!!!  I remember when my rads were ending I had the same thought.   But I am still so bombarded with "How are you feeling...how are you doing...you look well, etc" comments, that I guess I didnt have to worry.  I remember I decided I would milk it cuz I deserved it after all the crap I had to go through.   And all the crap you have had to go through...and everyone else here on this site, right?  But I didnt really need to because I do have good people around me which is a blessing.  Hopefully, you're family and friends will show all the love and care that you deserve and need and have every right to receive, even if treatments are done!

I posted something very similar (many of us have) right after finishing rads last feb.  It takes time to build your confidence back but you are not doing nothing- antihormonals, zometa, exercise, vitamin d.

as far as feeling better - it does take a few weeks but you will feel better.  Be good to yourself.

Shana - I had a sore back during rads and I think that the board they had me laying on might have had something to do with it.  Yes, it totally freaked me out.  One day, when I was leaving rads, I ran into my medical oncologist on the street.  I took that as a sign to have confidence in my medical team.  I am 3 months out of rads but still working at getting my energy back.  I am not ill; just extremely fatigued.   Every ache in my body worries me.  I saw a psychiatrist last week and he said a couple of things that made sense.  He said that people usually do better with handling cancer fears over time.  Reasoning is that when you repeatedly get presented with the same fear you develop a bit of a resistance to it.  Used the scarry movie example.  ie the 1st time you watch  the scarry movie it is extremely scarry; 2nd time not so much, 3rd time even less.  Hope this make some sense to you.  These are tough times.  Be gentle on yourself!  And, yes, go shopping.

Bev

Shanna - some excellent points here. I can only further add to what has been already said - that what you are feeling is normal, and again, good old Father Time will help some.

I think there is a sort of "let down" as you have been in fighting mode for months and months, and then poof, all the active stuff is done with, you get to take a pill a day and be on your way.

Give yourself a bit of time to regroup, and get yourself back on your feet. For me, having a little vacation helped. Try and do things that make you happy. 

I finished Rads in July, and I have noticed that only in the past few weeks have I been truly feeling like "myself" again. Like that "inside" happy. I am enjoying my kids and my husband much more than I have done in the last year. I don't think about cancer all the time. I am feeling physically and mentally strong.

It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.

Yup.  You are normal.

It is going to take some time to recover, physically and emotionally, from cancer treatment.

It is a hard road.

Try to get some rest and get well soon.

tl

is tomorrow your last rads?

think of the time you'll have. you've survived cancer treatment.. wait till you really start feeling better.. it's almost magical how your energy returns and you don't have to go to the stupid cancer center every day.

maybe they'll give a certificate  (i threw mine in the trash).

i hope you smile a big smile today and think of tomorrow.

Right now, I think you're raw, Angel.

It is going to take some time...both physical and emotional healing...for you to even remotely feel like "dealing" with people.

It is possible that some grief counseling would help.

Coping with the losses takes some time.  Try to be kind to yourself...you've been through alot.

xx

tl

Shanagirl-So far I have had panic attacks about mets in my rear, mets in my neck, mets in my brain, mets in my back, and mets in my knee.  I went running in tears to my oncologist every time only to have my fears become unfounded.  I know a lot of my pains have been needlessly amplified by my fear.  For a while I wondered if I was in a severe depression and wondered if life would ever be joyful without so much fear.  I watched the boards and heard so many other women having the exact same fears and reactions and now...slowly... I have begun to fear less and not over-react to each pain.  This is a long process and the end of rads is just the beginning of your full recovery and getting back to the real world.  It took a long time to get here, give yourself twice as much time to emotionally heal.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best.  Stay confident!