Feeling Guilty

Pure · November 2009

I never told my kids about my diagnosis. I told them I had a bad infection in my breast and had to have it removed. I told them I need treatment so it would get better and that I would loose my hair. I have a 5, 8, and 9 year old.

Since I never got sick with treatment not a whole lot has changed in their life-routine -everything has stayed the same. My 5 and 8 year old never said a word-even when slightly probed by me. They seem more into my pregnancy then anything else.

My 9 year old did ask and I told him No I don't have cancer and I am doing treatment to make sure I don't get cancer. He also knows his grandma and dad had cancer and both are fine.

Welll my 9 year old said to me that his friend asked him if I had cancer. He told him the above. Apprently his friend noticed I had on a wig.

i guess I feel like the cancer is gone and everything I said above is true. I check in with my kids from time to time to see if they are stressed or wondering and to date they seem not affected and very happy and stress free.

I guess my thought is that until they tell me something otherwise then why have them loose ONE DAY to stressing about this. They are to young to understand and if it never comes back then they spent all this time stressed out.

But for some reason I feel guilty-my friend just emailed me saying she found a book to read to her 3 year old to explain cancer. HE IS 3????

Since our life is actually pretty normal and they are not affected I am not sure why I would tell them? But at times I feel bad-like I am keeping something from them.

everyminute · November 2009

Its natural to want to protect them - they are your kids. And because they are your kids you can do what ever you and your husband want.

My kids were older - 13 and 16 and I did tell them. My oldest, especially, doesnt deal well with the fear of the unknown so it was better to get it out there then to have her wonder.

My (now) 14 year old said to me just this weekend- it wasnt so scary when you were going through chemo, like you I still did everything including work and drive to school, etc. She says it is scary now thinking back about it but at the time she was not worried.

Im sure someone else will come along and say something much wiser!

jdash · November 2009

my kids were 12 and 20 so i did tell them and i am a single mom and their support was amazing

i never thought not to tell them but i do understand your side. i think i believe in telling the truth as much as they can understand when they really start asking more i would advise to be truthul

I also find that other children overhear lots of things that their parents talk about- i am hoping that this is not the case for you either way just assuring your kids that you are fine is wonderful and keeping their routines as normal as possible is wonderful you are doing an awesome job! xoxo

momand2kids · November 2009

PurE

I think your perspective is a good one-- the cancer is gone--the treatment is insurance. My kids were 12 and 7- we told them age appropriate things--- I kept away from the books, etc. We told them I had a lump and it was removed and it had some unhealthy cells in it.... I think kids take their cues from you..... one of my younger daughter's friends noticed my wig as well--- my younger daughter told her it was none of her business ( and she had my full permission to talk to her friends if she wanted to). I think keeping their lives going is the best medicine--they eventually get back to their own worlds and think very little about yours--- other than what can you do for them!!!!lol... and that is a good thing and developmentally appropriate for them....

Kids totally take their cues from you. I think the approach of "I had cancer, they took it out and now we are working really hard to make sure it NEVER comes back" is a good one.....

Sounds like you are doing just fine with them--- you know your kids better than anyone else--do what feels right to you.....

ElaineD · November 2009

Our kids were 9+11 when I was first diagnosed. It didn't occur to us not to tell them. We simplified it hugely-but even at that age, they have some understanding of cancer. When we started to explain ("Mummy has a lump which needs to be removed, or it will make her very ill")-it was quickly followed by their question "is it cancer?". We protect our kids, but we don't lie to them. They would have been devastated if they had then had worries prompted by things their peer group had said to them. I think it's vital to keep any explanation as simple as possible-but it's important to be honest with them-or at least, in your case, with the eldest. The younger ones may not assimilate too much, but the eldest, as you have seen, has already been put in the situation of being questioned about you by his friends. If you have further problems, he may find it difficult to trust you-however good your intentions of protecting them, I think you have to be honest with them,even if only on a very basic level. Our kids coped with it all very well (mastectomy and chemo), and took great pride in "helping" with jobs around the house. As they were involved, a lot of the potential fear didn't materialise. Then-and now (with mets diagnosed 2 years ago, and kids now in their 20s!), we have always said that we would answer any questions they may have-and if we didn't know the answer, we would do our best to find the answer for them. I honestly think this attitude gave them comfort, focus-and the knowledge that we hadn't lied to them. Given that you have two family members who have had cancer and who are ok, you have a great basis for being able to talk about cancer without it automatically being a chat about cancer=death.

KerryMac · November 2009

Jen - I think you have to do what seems right for you and your kids. I know my daughter was more worried when i was first diagnosed and we hadn't said anything to her. She knew something terrible was going on but had no idea what. She was much calmer once we told her "Mummy has something yucky in her boobie" We didn't use the word "cancer" as she was only 4 at the time, and it was a meaningless word.

She is pretty sensitive, and worries, so I make sure I give her warnings before I have a Dr appointment - she always wants to know that it is "just a check-up."

My son, on the other hand, who was 2 when I was diagnosed, is pretty oblivious to it all. He knew I lost my hair, he knows I don't have a boobie, but I don't think he worries at all.

So, a lot depends on the personalities of your kids as well.

They had a big assembly at school for Terry Fox day, they showed them a movie which talked about him having cancer, but I don't think they have connected the dots yet. They do think now that it is all behind me, which is good.

We are also very careful not to have any "deep discussions" in front of them, like in the car. They do hear what is going on!

NancyD · November 2009

While I certainly understand not telling them now, at their currrent age, please do not hesitate to tell them your medical history when they are older. That they know who has had cancer, and what kind, is very important. I know my mother had ER+ IDC bc, but I don't know what stage or grade. Or what size the tumor was...or even which breast! Perhaps she would have told me but she died less than four years after the bc diagnosis from throat cancer. But again, I was told very little about that, too.

Pure · November 2009

Yeah, they actually know daddy had colon cancer and survived. If they google our familly name one day they will plenty to read about his journey. But telling them he had it 10 years ago seemed safe. I check in with them to make sure they haven't heard anything or have any questions. Since bc is such a LONG disease process even if it came back I just feel like scaring them now wouldn't be best. I do keep journals for each of them so one day they know of this time in my life. I live everyday not in fear of this coming back as much as having to one day tell them I am going to die. That wouled be the true tragedy.

AsiaYM · November 2009

When in doubt or quilt, best to pray for guildance and strength and God will give you wisdom and peace. Place faith in God. You are blessed in so many ways and he will continue to protect you and your family. Hugs, Karen

Bugs · November 2009

My son was 8 when I was diagnosed. I kept it quiet until I knew for sure, but then I had to tell him. I wanted any info to come from me..not something he may overhear and not understand. I was very basic with him..but he did hear the cancer word from me first. I do understand you wanting to protect your kids, but do remember that they see and hear more than we think...most especially your older kids.

Gabe and I were doing a taping at church a few weeks ago on "faith during hard times". We were talking about this beforehand and I asked him if he wanted to talk about my cancer and how it made him feel. He looked at me like "DUH" and said "Mom, I was in 2nd grade when that happened..I can't remember much of THAT!". I was surprised...but pleasantly so

lexislove · November 2009

My daughter was 2 when I was diagnosed. My husband and I just told her momma had a "boo boo." She is now 4 and remembers nothing.

I like to keep things this way untill she is old enough, early teens, to understand more about this disease and her risks.

clariceak · November 2009

I can't help but notice how many of us had young children when we were dxed. And I thought the average age for dx with bc was over 50.

My girls are 8 and 11 and we told them I had cancer. My younger sister was dxed 3 years ago and they saw her without hair and have seen her since looking healthy and happy. A counselor advised me to only tell them as much as information as they requested. They were not interested in any details other than some fascination with the loss of hair.

I don't think there is any reason to talk about reoccurance. If that should happen, we'll deal with it then.

It sounds like you have given all the information that they need at this point and they are content with that.

scrappy_survivor · November 2009

My kids were 1, 3, 4, & 9.

We told them everything. In fact it was recommended we do. We did not want them to hear from anyone but us the truth. We also wanted ot hve them trust us & know we would always be honest with them & thus take the fear out of thing. If they knew we would always be honest then they also knew that when we told them I was going to fight his & beat it & that if that changed we woould tell them, that we would do just that & that what we told them would always be the truth.

I know it is hard to tell your kids but I honestly think it is the best choice. My kids ahve been wonderful. We go them help through hospice & they went to art therapy & had a worker come & talk with them weekly to deal with any felings. They also went to the hospice scout camp over the summer for families with cnacer & got to be with kids that knew exactly how they felt.

I won't ever regret my decision to be honest with them becuase now they know they can always trust me. If I thought I was going to die from this disease I would be honest about that too. We have told them that it may come back & it may someday take my life but we hope not & it won't be any time soon.

HUGS mama

jenn3 · November 2009

My children are older 25 & 18 so I was not faced with the same decision as you are. I do think if your son is asking questions he knows more than he's letting on. Maybe his friend didn't say anything, but that was his excuse to ask you something he may already know. And...... although you may feel like everything is normal right now and things haven't changed, children are very aware of their surroundings and know when things are different. (((HUGS))))

Clarice - Prior to my dx, I thought BC was for people over 50. Even in the early days going to the surgeon's office I was the youngest one (I'm 43) in the waiting room. However, after coming to this website and doing more research, I've realized how many women under the age of 50 are dx'd with BC.................

Pure · November 2009

Well I have thought of that -that is why I keep checking in with him. He didn't come to me with his story about his friend. I actually asked him if he minded if I took off my wig-he said sure why would I care? And I told him I just wanted to make sure and I didn't want to scare his friends with my bald head (kind of kidding around) and that is when he told me.

We have asked him and talked to him over and over so unless I make him say something-he is not talking and seems very happy and well. He usually expresses stress through his behavior.

They don't see me sick-they don't see me go to treatment-they don't really see much other then my bald head and fake boob-which they play with by putting under their shirt and pretending their pregnant.

I talked with a child psychologist and she said give them the info they need and ask for but that's it-don't give them what they don't ask for. I really don't think my 5 year old would ever know what I was talking about and with all the stuff they see on TV about cancer equalling dying I would be nervous to label it to him.

DCMom · November 2009

My kids were 16, 7, and 5 when I was diagnosed. I actually cried on my oldest's shoulder the day I found out and he told me he would be there to support me if I ever needed to talk. I can't even tell you how blessed I am with this wonder boy.

I was also up front with my two younger ones, but didn't cry with them. I told them that I had cancer in my boob and that they were going to take it out. I told them I would have to take medicine that would make my hair fall out, but that it would help to keep the cancer from coming back. My daughter saw my boob after my biopsy, but I have never shown her my chest after the masectomy. I also never went around them without my wig on because I really didn't want them to make that a memory. I moved back my wig slightly to show them my hair was gone when they questioned, but I just didn't want them to see any more. I wore that wig all the time (except in bed with the door locked) until my hair was about two inches long.

Now my 9 year old boy comments on pink being for breast cancer and how his mom is a survivor. I never talked to them about dying because that is definitely not part of the plan and until it is why would I bring it up? My oldest knows the extent of my cancer, but he has kept an optimistic outlook and really doesn't seem preoccupied with the possibility of a recurrence. And you want to know something as time passes neither do I.

Pure I took a rather similar approach to yours except I did say cancer and let them know it was gone, because it was!

apple · December 2009

we told our kids.. ages 8, 10 and 13.. they are 2 years older now.. the shock was a bit much for the first few hours..

they so quickly accepted it tho.. I never freaked out or sickened.. just lost my hair.. twice. I don't think they know how serious it is, altho I often tell them they need to learn to be self sufficient if I happen to die.. i'm very open and accepting of the fact that i have a serious disease.

it's not hard for them... i think they assume, like I do, that I'll be around for a long time. it's very convenient to blame grumpiness on medication.

Hattie · December 2009

Life is wasted on guilt.

you know yourself and your kids, so go forward.

we did say cancer with ours--treatable, beatable, different from anyone else's, and that we expected a good outcome. moving on.

Take care,

--Hattie

ElaineD · December 2009

Your original post said this-

"My 9 year old did ask and I told him No I don't have cancer and I am doing treatment to make sure I don't get cancer. He also knows his grandma and dad had cancer and both are fine.

Welll my 9 year old said to me that his friend asked him if I had cancer. He told him the above. Apprently his friend noticed I had on a wig."

This is completely different to your second post when you said that you were the one who raised the topic. If the first version is the case, then he was asking a direct question-which your child psychologist had suggested that you should answer. If it was the second-

"He didn't come to me with his story about his friend. I actually asked him if he minded if I took off my wig-he said sure why would I care?",

then it is slightly more problematic. But however you look at it, the topic has been raised and discussed, and it concerns me that you weren't honest with him.He would have required only the most basic questions answered, and this could have reassured him, wheras now he may have unresolved worries. I hope not-but perhaps if a similair situation arises in the future, it would be easier for him to be told the truth- as you said, your illness isn't impacting on their lives-that can be tremendously comforting. Hopefully too you will go on to live a happy and cancer free life once your treatment is completed-but if there are further problems, he will be confident in the knowledge that you have been honest with him in the past, and so can believe whatever you may need to add in the future.

YATCOMW · December 2009

When I was first diagnosed I told them I had a "bug" and that we were going to poison it with the red devil (adriamycin). I wore a fanny pack with the chemo in it every two weeks. They were fascinated by the idea. Eventually they figured it out and they wanted to know if there was a cure. I was honest and told them no but that I had such wonderful doctors and they were working hard on it. They had just lost a good friend from leukemia which didn't help the situation.

Like you Jen... I worked hard at keeping things normal in my life....kept working, traveling on business etc. I wanted so much for things to be the same. I rarely took my wig off as that was the most scariest for my youngest. We did have some laughs....they wanted me to answer the door at halloween bald.....and they wanted to shoot a video of me with no hair for some skit they were sending to Nickelodean.

Were they scared? Yes....and it broke my heart. I would find notes in my sons backpack--- a diary of sorts. At christmas they wrote notes to st. nick that asked him for help. (intentionally not writing to "santa".) I hated that they had this burden at such young ages.

I think if I thought for a minute I could have kept it from them I would have. It is just that they eventually figure it out. I think it does build character and they will be different children because of it ...in a positive way.

Jacqueline

Mantra · December 2009

When I was dx, my grandchildren were 3, 4 & 5. My daughters told them grandma is sick and that I would be having surgery. They did not say that I had cancer. My 5 year old grandson saw a pink stone heart at the store and asked if he could buy it for me. He gave it to me and I told him I took it with me into surgery and held onto to it because it made me feel like I was hugging him. He was very happy about that.

About a month after surgery, when he was over one day, he picked up the heart and said "if you had died in surgery, would papa have remembered to put the heart in the box . . . you know that box they put you in before you go into the ground?" I was rendered speechless . . . I had no idea that he even associated my illness with being that serious. I spoke to my daughter that night and let her know that obviously he knows a lot more than what he's been told. I guess he overheard his parents discussing breast cancer. Knowing this, they now sat him down and answered all of his questions.

He is now 6 and I was extremely honoured when he told me he was doing his oral presentation on grandma and breast cancer. Here was a 6 year old boy standing infront of his grade one class discussing breast cancer. He said the presentation was amazing and that every single classmate asked him questions about breast cancer. He said no one ever asks questions after an oral presentation but everyone asked lots of questions after his. He said "not just a couple of kids . .. EVERYONE!!

His teacher gave him top marks and said she was very proud of him and that his topic of choice was extremely important and that his knowledge was impressive. He is so involved in this and took part in the CIBC Run for the Cure. He made t-shirts for the run and even though he said the run was boring (well at least he's honest!!), he understood that it was extremely important to be there so he could raise money and support his grandma.

He is anything but shy and loves nothing more than having an audience and I hope he continues to share his interest with all who will listen. Getting the next generation involved can only help in bringing us one step closer to a cure.

Feeling Guilty

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