I realized today

Oh, Jen, I was exactly where you were this time last year. I had Surgery Dec 11th, got my Path report Dec 23rd (Happy Christmas to me). I remember too thinking that it would be my last Christmas, I wrote messges in the kids Christmas books that I thought they would look back on and wonder who I was....It was a very difficult time.

Now this year I am so looking forward to the Holidays. I have always loved Christmas, and after all the mess of this year, I really want it to be special.

All I can say is yes, this year will suck for you. I tried just not to think about "it" for a few days, i sort of managed, but it was not the same. Just try and get through it the best you can. Make things easy for yourself (like don't try and cook a huge spread!)  Just try and enjoy the kids. Don't overthink things. You are here this year, just try and be in the moment. And know that the chances are pretty high that you will still be here next year too.

All right, I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. (I did this with myself to calm my own fears when I was at your treatment stage.)

Suppose you are stage IV. Most likely, you will NOT die by Thanksgiving or Christmas of next year. Very likely, you would be around for several - if not many - more holiday seasons. I work with a lady who has stage IV bc (bone, lung, and brain mets). When she was first diagnosed, her son was in elementary school. He's a senior in high school now, and she's still going strong.

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but there's no guarantee you'd be here next holiday season even if you didn't have breast cancer. Car accidents, H1N1, aneurysms, infections, nuts with guns, falls in the bathtub, electrocution, falling down an elevator shaft, etc. - cancer-free people die from these each and every day. You want to know the truth - I worry more about dying from a mountain lion attack or a snake bite on one of my backcountry hikes than I do bc. And I'm not about to give up hiking! Have faith - don't let worry about tomorrow rob you of the joy of today.

Have you looked into a local support group? Perhaps actually seeing and speaking with breast cancer survivors may give you encouragement. The lady I work with who is stage IV certainly inspires me - she continues to work, go on vacations, garden, fix up her house, help her son plan for college, etc. Sometimes, seeing is believing.

GREAT advice Celtic! I too work with a stage 4 bc sister (5 years now) and she lives to the fullest each and every day. If not for her example I think I might have days under the bed in the fetal position. Instead I tell myself "if she can do it, so can I!" ? Yes Pure, sometimes seeing IS believing!

Nico

Excellent post Celtic.

As a stage 1V my time is definitely limited! But I make the most of every day and categorically refuse to brood on "how much longer" I may or may not have. A day at a time is all that any of us can do-why waste that precious time worrying about something that may not happen? On the other hand, if your illness does progress, you'll find yourself filled with regrets for all the time you have wasted, when you could have been enjoying yourself and focusing on the present. Perhaps PureE, you would find counselling helpful.It may be that you spend a lot of time looking for information/statistics? This can be counter productive, and depending on how you feel can either be a comfort or a source of distress. At the end of the day, nobody knows how well they will thrive. We can all have the same treatmnets-but will all respond differently. What may help one, won't be beneficial for another. So please try to enjoy today for what it is-focus on what you have to be grateful for. Literally counting your blessings can be very therapeutic. Good luck.

That day will come.....it's impossible to live continuously in a state of  high fear/tension.Either the fear subsides, or you reach acceptance-or a combination of both. You'd burn yourself out if you continuosly worried. But until such time as that happens, don't be afraid to ask for help/counselling to get you through the rougher patches. It always makes me really sad to see people focusing on a tomorrow which may never happen-in that way, cancer wins a significant battle (by making us think about it so much).Please don't let that happen to you!

Great post, Celtic!  Carpe diem, I always say.....

Weesa -

That's what pepper spray is for! Plus, I can hear just about anything before it gets close. People, especially, are noisy in the woods. I worry more about getting killed by a nutter when I'm in the city. I've seen fights break out between gangs several times while shopping at nice, middle-class malls here. It's hard to hear or see someone coming with all the noise and visual distractions in an urban setting. Other than snakes and cougars (not the middle-aged female variety), I feel pretty safe in the backcountry. Not many gangstas are industrious enough to slog several miles up the side of a mountain. What would be the point - most hikers aren't carrying cash. It's not like there's a Starbucks on the side of the trail. Well...yet.

I also am not looking forward to the holidays this year. Started chemo 8/19 and won't be done till 1/28/2010. Just started weekly Taxol and already discussed with DH that it's going to be low key this year as we don't need any extra stress.. (which he totally agree's) as we usually host most of the holidays. 

PureE.. Try and enjoy your little one's as much as possible  this Xmas and think positive thoughts. You are taking excellent care of yourself with diet etc. and maybe seeking out a counselor could help the depression and anxiety this awful disease causes us....

 I have mentioned before that I take little comfort but much anxiety  myself assoc. with stats , stages, node status etc....As I was told last year I had <1% chance of recurrance that happened < 10 mos later I now realize as my onc pointed out that a stage1, node neg can become stage IV  any time and stage 3 with pos. nodes can remain that way and never get mets and I think that's why this is sooo scary for many of us...  A social worker comes in to visit me every time I have chemo and I find comfort when she comes and just talking to somebody neutral... Just started Yoga also which I think is going to be great for the mind and body......

This is why we all find comfort with each other on these boards because we all relate to these same feelings and find comfort reading each others posts.....Sorry about the bold print!!!!! don't know what I did. Not too computer savy

Can't add a single thing.  So much thought and wisdom in these pages, but I wanted to share.

It wasn't too long ago I had headaches and vertigo and convinced myself I had brain cancer.  I planned to die soon.  It did not happen and after a clean MRI my tension headaches (self induced from my fear) cleared.  Then an accident occurred in my neighborhood.  I can not get this accident or the family out of my mind.

Mike and Jeannie Merrill were killed when their car was knocked into oncoming traffic.  Three of their four girls were in the vehicle with them, the third that was at a movie with friends.  They were survived by all four girls.  They had gone to Bertuccis to pick up pizza for dinner and were on their way home.  I am sure the last thing they were thinking was of leaving their children behind.  I debate whether it was a blessing they never had to face the fear of leaving their children, or whether I am so fortunate that I will have time to prepare my family.  

The oldest was 13 and the youngest was 1 1/2, I believe.  The oldest will remember her parents and the grief, the youngest will probably not remember her parents, but will be spared the grief.  Which would I want for my children, to remember me or to be spared the grief?  Selfishly I of course want them to remember me and to expecially remember how much I loved them.  My youngest was still in preschool at diagnosis, she has completed kindergarten and is now a full-time 1st grader.  Every milestone is so much bigger to me now. I think now that preparing my children to be good people is all I can focus on now.  As I see them grow I know the longer I stay the better and I can't let this time pass worrying about what ifs. 

In a nutshell I planned on brain cancer and got a clean bill of health and the Merrills planned on pizza and orphaned their 4 girls.  So much for worrying and planning.  Christmas is a time to celebrate hoping that next year will be better and knowing that for today all is well!

DCMom:  Thank you so much for sharing that; what a brilliant post and a message that spoke to me.

Cathy

Time is a great healer. I felt nothing but doom last year and now life is fairly normal. PureE, make sure you share your fears with your Onc, have a heart to heart and express the need for reassurance. I think a good Oncologist or experienced nurse will have the skills to make you feel better. Otherwise a breast cancer support group that you can attend may be a good idea.

what wonderful posts.

so very thoughtful.

Thank you

Well done to you rinna. That's a great attitude to have-one which not only makes you feel good and strong in yourself, but also one which is transmitted to those who love you. Keep up the good work.

I am undergoing chemo now and do have good and bad days.  But...... when I go into a bad place I tell myself I really don't know when my time is going to be.  I have realized that I have time now and maybe having cancer has made me realize how precious time can be.  I had to learn to slow up and enjoy life with children when I realized that the getting caught up in the frenzy of raising children was making me miss too much.  Maybe that's what cancer has done for me (not that this is a blessing in anyway - I would trade it away any day).  I'm slowing up again, realizing I have time now to enjoy my family and friends and let them know I love them and thank them for everything.  It could be 1 year from now that I can no longer do these things or 30 years from - I don't know, but I sure know that I don't want to miss the opportunity. 

I really debated not hosting Thanksgiving and the Christmas breakfast that I host and have thought and thought about the holidays, but the fact of the matter is I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS, my husband and girls LOVE the holidays and I don't want to let this disease take something we so dearly love away.  My husband loves to decorate in Griswold style with my youngest and I love decorating my tree with the only thing I collect - ornaments.  I only bake at Christmas and really love doing it for family and friends.  This year will be harder and I'll have to cut back, but I am not giving it up.  

I have severe pain from the Taxol and at times walking is painful, but I want to host Thanskgiving  like I always do.  Am I crazy and putting unnecessary pressure on myself - YEP I know I am, but I want to do this.  Is my family worried about me - Yes they are, but I can do it with planning and have incorporated the help of my daughters (25 & 18 now), my DH and Mom in addition to simplifiying things like using paper plates and cups and cooking easier foods and waiting until next year for new or involved dishes. 

I guess what I'm saying is don't let this horrible disease take away your enjoyment.  I know it's really hard - believe me when the pain is bad it is very hard for me to get myself mentally out of bad....................  but sometimes if you start to go through the motions, pretend to have fun you can climb out of that bad place.

 ((((HGUS TO ALL)))

Kerry - Thanks - Luckily my good days are Wed & Thurs because chemo is on Friday.  Initially they wanted me to do chemo Wed and I put my foot down for the first time and said no way - if clinic is open - chemo has to be Friday.  I will try to take it easy and I'm sure at the end of the day I know my sister will pick up and my husband ALWAYS helps pick up after everyone has left - he is really good about that.  Bad news - my youngest who is a great help around the house sprained her ankle, she won't be able to do much because she has to keep her foot elevated for at least a week as much as possible.  Maybe she planned it that way...............