My supportive husband..
Comments
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Colette
I'm a bit confused , its either you haven't told your husband your BX or he just doesn't understand , He sounds like a fantastic husband someone whom you have trusted in the past ,so I'm sure he will be by your side no matter what.
JOANNE
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There have been times that my husband has said he has wanted to lock the computer up because i was obsessivly looking up things that were upsetting me. It was like a compulsion, I totally understand where you are coming from.
All I can say is your husband loves you and doesn't want you to be upset. He also doesn't want to think that the "worst thing" will happen to you. He is just trying to protect you.
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Also-your not in the group "worse cae out there"
Dont you think someone with stage 4 is that-or someone stage 4 tripple neg or stage 4 her 2 pos or stage 3 with tons of nodes, triple neg, or her positive.
Your sig says no nodes-you should be really happy with that.
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I find that people that who aren't going through this don't understand our need for information and to ability to connect with others going through the same thing. It's easy for them to tell us to stay off of the computer, not to read this, that or the other, but......... we need it right now. Good thing is they love us and put up with it.
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My DH is just like yours but I told him that I needed to connect with other BC ladies to share and exchange lots of info, feelings included, then, he let me be. He knows it's healthy for me now, because I am peaceful with myself and have a great outlook for us in the future. We want to do lots of traveling.....Both of us are retired, he likes to take photos and I like to do oil paintings...
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One day during treatment I got so frustrated at my dh for being optimistic and positive- I said "Why are you so sure I am going to be ok, this could kill me, I may not see 5 years" I will not even go into the specifics of what I said to him because it was upseting - it was like I puked my worst fears on him.
He cried and told me "I wont belive it, I cant believe it"
That was when I realized, as much as he loves me and wants to support me, I cant take him down that dark road with me again and its why I come here and share those fears with people who do understand.
He is your husband and he loves you and he wont believe that the worst may happen even when you worry about it all the time.
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I remember I was out shopping with my husband during chemo, and I was trying on some clothes - I sort of half joking said "Oh, well, you can always bury me in them." I will never forget the look of total horror on his face.
I too have learnt that although he can offer support to a certain level, there is a line I can't cross with him.
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I think even though we are the ones having to deal with this horrid disease and all the what if's.......we have to be the stronger ones. Men are not good at handling the "what if's".
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Yes! that is exactly why I come to these threads too. Granted, I often leave depressed when I go into threads that I shouldn't be going into, but I don't want to take my husband through my daily roller coaster of emotions, so I can release my fears here -- or just feel the support and similar feelings expressed by the others here. Kerry - I made a similar 'burial' joke to my husband and got that horror look too - never again! Sometimes my morbid sense of humor is just another way of releasing my stress, but I just can't take him there with me!
Colette, I completely understand- my husband gets upset at how much I come here too, especially when I seem depressed afterwards!
Jackie
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My husband has also asked me at times to get off the computer because I also have been upset thinking of "the what if's" after going onto forums I shouldn't have. This is a local recurrance for me after only 10 months so have been in treatment for almost 2 yrs and now am really scared of it always coming back... I asked my husband does he think about if I will beat this and he stays positive because he has to for himself and me....He has been my rock thru all this and knows when I just need a hug, listens when I need to vent and is really the only person that I can just open up to because I think we hold back to protect everyone else like, kids, parents and friends....
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We kind of had the opposite situation going on in our home. Tim was on the boards long before me & actually pointed out women that were similar in dx to me. I think it would be great if there was a forum for just the husbands. I was dealing with a couple of other life crisis & was just spent. I think husbands want to be the strong ones and make their wives better. Just fix us. If only it was that simple.
But, there are things that I regret saying to him. I am reading a book titled "Heaven" and he doesn't understand why. There are things I want to do in my life asap and it is impossible for some people to understand. I wonder if he will be married to someone else in a few years. The thoughts that go through my head some days, yikes! I feel an urgency to talk to my daughters about important life things like the type of man they should consider marrying. I even wanted to talk to my husband about stuff like that. I wish I could control my own thoughts.
It is hard for our loved ones. I remember telling friends, family, coworkers about my situation and watching them one by one fall apart.
Sorry for the rant - councelling appt is next week!
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my husband is great too, but he just sort of takes his own simple hubby take on things. He wants to just know I am "going to get better", and has trouble accepting it's an unpredictable disease.
I will say I was really proud of him, we were on vacation in N. Michigan and I showed him the spot on the lake near my HS where I would want to have a memorial, and he took pictures and made a map. I didn't think he would be willing to hear me out and he did. So for that I love him even more.
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purE...I have no nodes diagnosed...but I had an internal mammary node (that they can not biopsy) light up on my bone scan which is why I am a 3b. I said one of the worst, not the worst.
KerryMac...that is exactly why he doesn't like me getting on the internet. And you are right, he is trying to protect me. When I wrote what I did, I was in a negative mood..the rads are getting the best of me right now. I made a comment to him about this possibly being one of my last Christmas photos that we are going to do and I wanted to spend about $70 on Steeler jerseys that were on sale so that everyone except my daughter would be able to wear a jersey for the picture (we live in Olympia WA and a lot of people are still sore here that the Steelers won the SuperBowl and "Stole" it from Seattle) My husband looked totally shocked at me and told me not to talk that way...yes, I got my way, but at a price. I hate the look he gives me sometimes when he knows how risky being a stage 3 is.
It makes me feel better that someone else knows exactly what I am going through and has a husband that does the same thing.
Right now I am severely burned from rads and I have 4 more left. Last night I lost it in the evening...kids fighting, and screaming and I needed to just get away. I got my shoes on and my 9 year old asked me where we were going (I have a 9, 5, and one year old)..I told him "WE" are not going anywhere...then my husband asked. I told him I was going to go for a walk. He let me go and then called me after about 45 minutes on the cell and asked where I was. He has always supported me that if I started burning and decided enough was enough he would understand. He told me on the phone that my 9 year old was impressed that I got as far as I had with the rads...I know that he wants me to stop, but I would feel guilty if I stopped and it came back...I would feel like I didn't do everything that I could have done to fight it and I would feel like I failed my kids and most of all my husband.
This sucks.
cookiegal...that is so sweet and sad at the same time. I have to agree with you. I told my husband that if it comes back that I would not do any chemo because I wanted to live and that I would choose euthanasia verses letting them go through the pain of watching me die a slow and painful death.
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Bev - I find myself thinking similar things. Funny though, I used to think them even before I was diagnosed - what would happen to everyone (hubby and kids) if I was not around. I know they would all be OK, my husband is a fantastic Daddy, I just worry how they would cope with things. The house would be a lot messier, that is for certain!
I just hope I would have enough time to get things sorted out if this does come back - time to write things for the kids, etc. It seems a bit morbid to be doing it now....
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I think as stage III we do need to realize that things are serious. But then I think of the stage IV gals that say we should live our lives now as if it isn't coming back/spreading and not waste so much time on worrying. We aren't stage IV, as far as we know, and for that we have to feel very, very lucky. If that changes, well then that is the time to deal with it.....
That said, I have my first bone scans and pelvic scans on Monday and Tuesday and am really scared. So I am working hard on the mental attitude.
My boyfriend ("together-live" as they call it in Norway) has been absolutely amazing and I couldn't ask for more support or understanding. But anytime I mention stats (I know, I know- we aren't stats, they are old, etc etc!) or my fears of the worst, he completely can't handle it. I am so thankful everything he has handled that I just try hard to keep my dark moments to myself. I sometimes think it is worse for him than for me. He has been feeling panicky when he is at work because he isn't around to see to make sure I'm alright. I really don't know how I could have gotten through this so far without him. He says that I am even more attractive now with my "mono-breast" look, because it gives me character!!
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My husband, who uses the internet obsessively to research things he's interested in, really had no idea how serious my illness is. He only happened to read the letter that I wrote to the local hospital heads urging better treatment for high risk women. I mentioned in that letter that due to their mistakes I might not see my daughters grow up.
He made the mistake of asking me about it on the phone when I was in Seattle, by myself, reeling from my first chemo and feeling the dark side caused by steroids. And I let him know in the worst possible way. I feel badly about that, but I don't think he can really handle the reality of my dx. So I'm back to being positive, taking one step at a time and hoping for the best.
Was anyone else warned about the psych. effects of steroids? I wish I had known. I did beg my onc for the minimum amount because of the other ses. but never realized how much it would mess with my emotions.
krcll - wishing you clear scans next week.
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I'm with you on the steroids. I got a flushed puffed up face and a good dose of the crazies.
My Onc never told me, not until I was a blubbering mess at one appointment and she said "oh, yeah, the steroids can do that" Thanks for the warning! But I have heard to many "Wrestling Champ goes crazy" stories to not be surprised....
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My husband has been through cancer-so he has beat stae 3 cancer before. He believes WITH HIS ENTIRE being that he decided the cancer was gone and it would'nt come back. He believes God gives you his strength but we have the ability to heal ourselves. He doesn't believe in 2nd guessing and pulls these bibles versus-which supports what he says. Were not religious people but he has a strong strong faith in God. He knows him deeply.
Now on to me-I was raised Catholic and though I feel I have a deep relationship with God I don't know if I belive the above but my husband actually gets MAD at me for not believing like he does-he almost makes me feel like if I don't believe like he does that if it comes back it will be my fault. Anyway I had a breakdown at chemo last week and the nurses talked with him. Funny thing is my chemo nurse who has been a nurse for 25 years says she believe totally in science but that she has seen over and over people beat cancer for smillar reasons that my husband states-BUT she doesn't believe he should be putting this pressure on me and she talked with him.
So not only is my husband strong but HE BELIEVES like the back of his hand what I wrote above and with that pressure on me I get so so sad that I might let him down. I hate the pressure and in a way it doesn't even feel like support.
He says I have so much to be thankful for ( stage 3, small nodes, deep margins, fully encased, zometa, and this new drug I just found out about) He feels we have really good things in our court-he doesn't look at it as I do at times. We are really opposite but I will say he had bad odds, and I remember how sick he was with chemo-he was on deaths door, but nope he never cried, never faultered, he would always say the cancers gone and I am cured. I didn't believe it-but 10 years later, 50/50 odds-never had another single issue nor did he ever have a single scare on a scan-not one. He never even feared the scans. Anyway that is what I deal with everyday-the pressure to feel and handle things the way he did- and it sucks! I am not that person and can't ever be that person.
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Yep. I've also made the mistake going to far with morbid humor. The look in his eyes. But we've been able to do a lot of talking about the future and what it might hold. So it's out in the open.
My hubby was a machinist (retired now) and I'm a systems analyst who has always loved my job before bc. So I would sneak back here and get on the computer to do my work from home. He wouldn't touch the computer since he felt intimidated between me and our two kids (both ended up with computer related degrees). But since all this started he has changed. Now he knows that I need to do my research and look for support. He is all for me doing whatever I can to get through the emotional lows and get back to my normal optimism. He knows that he can't provide that special connection you get when you talk to others going through bc. And he dearly wants to have a future with me. So I keep moving forward.
Thank goodness this week is over because moving forward was so hard. Last Taxol. Was it the steriods? The taxol SEs? Or just the fatigue? Probably all of it. Woke up this morning and finally, for the first time in 2 weeks I feel OK and have some optimism. This is such a head game. I get a week of vacation and then I start 15 weeks of AC. I'm dreading it. But I keep coming back to this site because I keep seeing women who've kept going. And my DH knows that he just needs to let me spend my time reading and finding some encouragement.
BTW - I knew that this dx has changed him just like it has changed me but I had a shocker yesterday. He actually wanted to take me shopping. Neither one of us normally like to shop so this was totally new. Makes me realize what extremes he is willing to go through to try and make me feel better! Gotta love the guy!
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I have to comment on some of the statements made here. Stage 3 is worse than Stage 2, but it is an absolute fact that more than half of us will have 5 years and longer. As a matter of fact it is more like 76% after chemo for some of us (that's what I was given at 3A). MOST of us will look back at this as a horrible time in our lives. Colette- I have the exact opposite problem with my husband. He continually wants to look at statistics and treatments and at first he kept emailing them to me and I would look at them and be depressed the rest of the day. I finally told him he was more than welcome to research all he wanted, but unless it was something I could actually do I would not be opening his emails. I NEEDED to be in a better place. I love him to death and I know he is so type A he will continue to search, but I just can't go with him on that journey.
Why in the world would MOST of us want to be wrong and spend so much time worrying? Some Stage I women worry just as much and they only have a 1% chance of recurrence (just check some of the other threads). And in the event you fall in that minority the worry will still be ready and waiting. I plan on being in the majority, staying positive, listening to my body, and eating right. We all have our own way of coping, but as time goes by (it sounds like most of those posting are still in treatment) I hope you all realize the odds are in your favor. Right now most of us are "cancer free" and I am counting on that for as long as possible.
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DCMom,
I agree with you - I don't want to worry. And I agree that our odds look much better than the statistics which are based on past treatments. Speaking for myself, I'm normally very optimistic. And today I'm my normal self now that I'll pulling out of the chemo low.
I think knowing the stats is important when deciding the treatment options. And I hear what you are saying about some of the ladies who seem to seem to be excessively concerned when their odds are so much in their favor.
But, in my case, the chemo tx makes me think differently. It's very difficult during these times keep positive. I've been struggling with how to keep away from the negative thoughts. I am thankful that my DH doesn't go there. If he did, I know I would do the same as you and tell him that I can't look at the negative side.
I try to be open with him about how I'm feeling. The more he knows then the better he can respond to me with love and support. I know he wishes he could do more.
Right now all I can do is cross my fingers and hope AC treats me OK. And I look forward to being where you are (in your thinking - I don't know where you are in tx). I know that once this is over I'll be back to everyday optimism and enjoying each day.
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Any just think if your odds are 75% and zometa studies are correct knock another 10% off that 25% roccurence bringing you to 15%. Thats a small chance it's coming back and that could be made up of people who didn't do agressive treament, quit treatment, or died of something else. Odds are so on your side.
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Yep, the you can halve that again with diet and exercise....it is so NOT coming back!!
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I am so happy that I know you guys! Thank you for making me smile!
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Pure E- Your husband is incredible but a tough if not impossible act to follow. He has put the bar up really really high. I get preached by the medical profession "everyone is different" to every single question I ask. Different in side affects, different in how we handle things and unfortunately the disease is unpredictable. Praying gives us comfort. God gives us strength. But, some people have poorer outcomes. We live in a broken world. Only God can fully explain all of this.
Prior to my dx, I ranted to my husband that I wasn't going to be one of those perky positive cancer patients. Keep it real. This is crap. However, how we handle the crap makes a difference in the quality of our lives. Off topic, cancer has made some positive impacts in my life. But, it does not get any awards. My life was quite fine.
Kerry - Yep, it is just crazy how are minds go.
Pure E - what is the new drug you just found out about? I am also on zometa.
RE - Steroids - I had a puffy face, fingers and feet for about 6 months. Although everyone disagreed with me which annoyed me; I thought I was pretty unrecognizeable. (hated when everyone said I looked great)
A couple of days ago I was ranting to my husband about my worry about bone mets and the vague symptoms they have and I have virtually no guidance about what to look for or worry about. I ask everyone and get no specific answers. That just breaks him down to hear me talk and he will change the subject. I probably would too.
Thank you all for keeping it real!!!
Bev
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kerry,
i sent you a private message
diane
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I hope it's ok that I post on here. My husband is the same way. It drives me crazy. Yes I do need his optimism but it borders on denial. I worry that if something happens to me he wont follow my wishes because he wont know them. And I worry he will raise our son not to face his problems but simply ignore them. Some days I just want to shake him and say "don't you realize I'm in CANCER treatment???" He's gone away on 3 business trips while I'm in treatment and left me at home with our 2 year old. Didn't even ask how I felt about it. He's a good husband and father, despite how it sounds, but I think he's in some serious denial.
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My husband is that I believein denial. I guess I would be too if I had to face the fact of raising 4 kids on my own:)
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